Picking at Scabs

My apartment is finally in order now. It stays pretty clean and tidy. There are no dishes in the sink; the trash and recycling are taken out when full. The laundry basket is empty and all of the clothes are always put away. There is a sense of calm and peace here now.

It’s cool today. I sit with my sliding glass door open to the mountains and hear an autumn breeze rustle the leaves on the tress. The first sign that fall is right around the corner. I love fall, it’s probably my favorite time of year. The sound of the leaves should excite me but it terrifies me.

If fall is just around the corner then so is my baby! But that can’t be, Rudy and I aren’t back together. He still refuses to talk to me and we can’t have a baby when he won’t even talk to me. It’s not supposed to be this way.

I say there is a sense of clam and peace in my house now because when Rudy was here everything felt so overwhelming, chaotic. So then why do I miss him? Why do I even want him back?

I gave those questions some serious thought. The answers are filled with strong emotions that are very hard to tack down.

I don't miss the massive amounts of extra laundry. I don't miss feeling like I'm doing everything and that I'm not appreciated for doing so. I don't miss clothes and papers that were all over the apartment; the dirty dishes in the sink or the clean ones that would sit in the dishwasher for days. It's true that some things are easier and even better now that Rudy's not a factor in the situation.

So what then? Why do I miss him and want him back?

Is it because I'm afraid to do this alone? No, I know I can do this alone and be damn good at it. Am I just lonely? Well sure I'm lonely but that's not a reason to want specifically him back.

Rudy is spontaneous and silly. So masculine, but sweet and almost vulnerable at the same time. He exposed me to things I didn't know about or wouldn't normally have tried. One of our first 'dates' was to a tea cafe one Sunday afternoon. What guy takes you to get afternoon tea? I LOVE hot tea and going to tea. I never knew this place existed. He showed me several movies that I wouldn't have picked on my own that I ended up really enjoying. I miss someone pushing me out of my comfort zone and the possibility of these new and exciting things.

We have this biological chemistry that is stronger than I've ever had with anyone. The passion and attraction is unbelievable. Our sexual appetites are a perfect match. But we also had great conversations about nothing. When we first started living together we would stay up super late every night, just laying in bed talking. And this was after we had spent the entire day at work together.

I also think that I want Rudy back and miss him so much because there has been absolutely no closure. I have no idea what happened or why everything fell apart to the point that he won't even speak to me. Sometimes I think if he had died it would be easier to deal with than this. At least with a death its finite, definite. You know what happened and you can start the process of dealing with it. But this; I don't even know where to begin to deal with this because I don't know what's going on. And the silly, foolish, romantic that I am, I still hold out hope that Rudy will change his mind. I fantasize that once the baby is born something inside him will change. That he'll see what a good mother I am or what I went through to bring our baby into the world and want me back. That hope keeps me from healing or moving forward, but I don't want to let it go. So the wound stays fresh and raw; like a little kid that won't stop picking a scab.