Random passing thoughts

There aren’t words for how I’m feeling. My thoughts and feelings race so fast it’s hard to really know them.

I’m so torn between being sad and wanting Rudy back and being hurt. I don’t understand what’s happened or what’s happening. Rudy’s been gone for 2 months now. He doesn’t seem to want anything to do with me. And I’m not really sure why.
6 months ago we were SO in love. Everything was perfect, we were an amazing couple; had so much fun together. And we decided to have a baby. I’ve wanted a baby for longer than I can remember. Its what I was made for.
Now I have trinkets of Rudy’s love around my apartment. It hurts me SO much to have them around but in a strange way they bring me comfort. Like tangible examples that he really did love me and small pieces of hope that maybe he still does.
In my heart I see us together. My gut says someday he’ll come back. But I’m afraid to hope, afraid to hold on to what I truly believe: we have a real love. Special, rare love. I don’t like being afraid, or admitting it. It’s not an emotion I am used to feeling. I live life in the moment and don’t normally let fear hold me back.
He’s the father of my first child, not a title I would give away lightly. Does he want to be the father? Have I hurt him so badly that he can’t be with Lucian? Does he think about me? Miss me?
I’m not supposed to talk to him. I think about him constantly; dream about him every night! How pitiful is that?! But his child is inside me! We used to work together and live together spending nearly every moment together. And now I’m just supposed to stop, at the drop of a hat. He was my friend too and I miss our friendship. I wonder about him all the time. What is he doing? Is he happy? Is he dating anyone? What worries is he struggling with?

Sometimes I forget that I’m pregnant. It’s not supposed to be like this; me alone, sad. It should be a shared experience of happiness and anticipation. I should have someone to share my fears and anxieties. Someone to support me through this amazing but terrifying experience of pregnancy.


I know I’ve hurt Rudy. Maybe more than I ever imagined. That is by far the biggest regret of my life. And I don’t live my life with regrets. I can only hope that he will be able to trust me again. I’m so sorry. I wish I knew how to make it better, how to heal him. I don’t want him to hurt, and I don’t want him to miss out on his son.
I want Rudy in my life as my partner. He hates that word, but I don’t know what else to call it. I want to do this with him; go through life’s ups and downs together. I want him in his son’s life, and at his son’s birth.
It’s so frustrating. Other guys want me. Even 6 months pregnant old boyfriends want back in the game, I get checked out left and right all the time. Stephen says I’ll always be the love of his life. Jason tells me how much he really loves me and how sorry he is for everything. They both offer to help in whatever way I need. I need Rudy back. He is what I want; only he fills this hole in my life. Only he is the father of this baby.
What we had was really great, and I believe we can have it again.