2 Steps Forward...

On Wednesday Rudy didn’t really respond to any of my texts. Then he didn’t come over….again. He hasn’t seen Lucian since last Thursday. It’s very frustrating because on Mondays and Wednesdays he teaches classes at the Lifetime gym, 50 yards from my apartment. Yet he can’t come over…? Really? I thought that things had changed after last weekend and I trusted all of the things he said….such a fool. Here’s our conversation on Thursday.


“4 nights in a row he’s been awake for 2 hours in the middle of the night, im so frustrated….he was up a lot yesterday so he should have been tired, took 5 oz then nursed so he shouldn’t be hungry. I don’t know what to do, I hate this and I hate that I have to figure it out by myself”

No response, no support, no anything!

2 hours later…“I need you to come over tonight, we need to talk and figure some things out”

“figure what out?”

“We need a schedule of when you’re going to have Lucian, you don’t want to commit to me, that’s fine, but you need to make some commitments to Lucian because he needs you, I can’t do this alone, and I shouldn’t have to….your son deserves better than what I can give him when I have to do this by myself all the time”
“it’s time for you to share some of the responsibility”

“ah no not tonight”

WHAT!? This is the fourth night he’s not coming over! And I clearly need a break and some help!

“you better have a damn good reason….why not?”

“cause your attitude and approach”

“fuck that Rudy, I’ve been patient long enough, you should want the opportunity to have scheduled time with your son….I’m done”

“bye”

“you can figure out the birth cert, you don’t want to accept responsibility…you get no rights”

You see in Colorado when you’re married and have a baby, only your ‘husband’ can be on the birth certificate…even if he’s been in another state for 10 months because he tried to kill you one too many times! So now that my divorce is final we have to go back and fill out some paperwork to get Rudy on the birth certificate as Lucian’s father. This is a REALLY big sticking point for Rudy so I’m basically just being a bitch and trying to hit a nerve. The fact that he says nothing means he knows what I’m doing and is trying to not let it affect him. But at the same time what I said is true; why should Rudy have the right to be on the birth certificate when he’s not taking any responsibility for his son. If I want to take him to court for child support though, he has to be listed as the father. If he’s not on there I can’t get any money, but I also don’t have to let him see Lucian. This is NOT what I want!! I don’t want things to get catty and mottled by legal bullshit! UGH!

“I’ve been through hell the last 6 months and it’s because of you, this is exactly what I said I was afraid of on Sunday, you say you love me but nothing changed you’re still being selfish. You said you want to take care of me and protect me but I’m still having to do this on my own. I don’t understand”

“apparently you didn’t understand anything I said on Sunday”

“apparently you didn’t communicate it well because those were your exact words”

"I said a lot more then that”
“and those were not my exact words”

“then what were your exact words? what did you mean?”
“I felt bad for you and your bad luck so I tried to make things easier for you, but you’ve taken advantage of it and pushed me past my limit time and time again”

“I haven’t taken advantage of anything”

“you have in a big way, you’ve taken advantage of my patience, understanding, forgiveness, most of all my strength and ability to take care of Lucian on my own”
“this would be easier if I knew you were going to be no help at all so I could stop counting on it and being let down”
“you never answered my questions: what were your exact words? what did you mean?”

“I can’t answer I’m at work”

This is a bullshit response and basically means that he has NO idea what his exact words were.

2 hours later when I knew he was on lunch “you don’t have anything to say”

No response

“ok then, don’t show up here without an apology, for walking out 6 months ago, not going to any dr appts or birth classes, and not taking any responsibility for or helping me with Lucian since he was born except that one Sunday.”

“how you’re acting is one reason why I don’t want a relationship”

“haha right back at you!”
“I deserve way more than you’ve given me, someone that actually wants to take care of me and Lucian”
“what I hear you saying is that you don’t want a relationship b/c I have expectations of you and when you continuously don’t meet them, I get frustrated”

2 hours later...

“I need help and a break, so your mom is gonna come by tonight after Lucian’s dr appt. she called about the baby pictures and she could tell I had been crying”

“and”

“wow, just thought I’d let you know…that’s pretty cold”
“I told you about her calling so you don’t think I ran to her, and that I was crying so you know I didn’t tell her anything to make her come over”

“I knew you would take that the wrong way”

“If you knew then why did you say it anyway?”

“I realized too late”

“fair enough”
“you know that I think it should be you giving me a break and help”

Then I told him that I got the results of my pap smear and it came back abnormal again and I have to have another test done. He didn’t even respond. I’m so confused and frustrated. I’m mad at myself for being a fool and trusting him this past weekend that he really did love me. I should have known that things wouldn’t change.

I saw my therapist today and he suggested that I take Rudy’s words literally. Rudy said he ‘wants’ to take care of me and protect me. He didn’t say he would. Often times there are a lot of things we want to do that we don’t actually do or that we can’t do right now. I think that’s what Rudy was saying. He wants to do those things, but he said he was going to take things slowly…I suppose that means he’s not going to do those things for me now. Ugh it’s so much bullshit to wade through and try to figure out. Why do guys SUCK at communication?