Catching Up...Again

Wow, where do I start!? Thanksgiving. Rudy came and got me and Lucian and took us to his parents’ house for Thanksgiving dinner…it wasn’t a good day. Emotions came to a head and over flowed; Rudy and his mom had it out. I think it will ultimately be a good thing but it’s going to take some time to get there. One good thing that came from the day is that Rudy was thinking about me and my needs. We stayed for about 4 hours even though he was miserable, very uncomfortable and wanted to leave. I asked him why he stayed and he said “well I knew you needed to be around people today”.

I didn’t see Rudy again until Saturday and then it was just for a little over an hour. As he was leaving I gave him a look like I was going to kiss him. He said “not now.” I asked him why and he couldn’t give me a reason.

I sent a guilt filled message saying “Come spend the day with us tomorrow. I need some company and a break. You’ve had my car for 2 weeks I don’t think one day is too much to ask.” The response was a simple “ok”.

Rudy came over about 12:30 Sunday. He hung out and took care of Lucian while I got some things done around the apartment. I asked if Rudy wanted to give Lucian a bath and he said no. I asked him why not. “I don’t know how.” I told him “Then learn, you have a son you need to know how to give him a bath”. Then I offered “why don’t you help me give him a bath so you can learn.” Rudy agreed. I told him he was lucky that he had me to help him figure things out…I had to figure everything out on my own. He said “you’re in a strange mood”.

“I know, I’m feisty”
“Why?”
“I feel like I’m doing all of this by myself and it’s not fair”

We gave Lucian a bath and then they fell asleep on the couch, it was very sweet. A while later I asked Rudy if he was hungry ‘cause I was going to make something for me to eat. He said that he was but he wanted to go out to eat. He asked where I wanted to go. We decided to go out to Red Robin, one of our favorite places to go to eat. It was really nice eating out, felt like a family. It was hard to remember that we’re not a family and it was a little bit hard to enjoy myself because I knew I would soon be alone again.

He took us home and then said he was heading out. I gave him that look again like I wanted to kiss him and said, “You probably don’t want me to do it now either.”
“Probably not.”
“well you don’t give a girl a lot of options”
“for what?”
“when to kiss you.”
“Fine then” and he kissed me square on the lips. It was soft and firm, sweet. It lasted for a while and I pulled away before he did. There was one long kiss and a few little kisses after before he walked to the door and left. It was so comfortable, like we’d been doing it all along. It felt natural and right, like it was supposed to happen. It was 7:00pm by the time Rudy went home, he really did spend the day with us!

This was a week ago Sunday. My friend Ashley was coming out to see me Wednesday of the following week and I needed my car back by Tuesday night. Rudy brought it by Tuesday and stayed for about 45 mins. I told him that we probably wouldn’t see each other while Ashley was here because he didn’t want to be put in an awkward position knowing that she hates him for what he’s done.

Thursday Rudy and his friend Garrett wanted to come over. I told them that would be fine. They came and stayed for a few hours. I enjoyed them being here but I know that Ashley did not. I think everyone felt awkward. After they left Rudy sent me a text asking me to come over; it was 11:00 at night and he’s NEVER asked me to come over. He was very insistent and really wouldn’t let it go. I said we should make plans to hang out another day. Ashley had offered to watch Lucian if there was something I wanted to go and do without him. So we decided to hang out Saturday night. We saw a movie and then went to his apartment to hang out. It was great! We started talking and he was really opening up and letting down his guard.

I went home. Almost as soon as I got home Rudy was texting me to come back. He wanted me to spend the night. I tried to explain to him that I couldn’t. Lucian needed me and I had a friend out visiting me. He was VERY insistent and got upset like his feelings were hurt.

The next day I told him I wanted to come see him again. He agreed. I asked if he wanted me to bring Lucian or if he wanted to take advantage of us being able to be alone. He said he wanted it to be just us.

It was a fantastic night! We talked a lot and made a lot of progress. I told Rudy “I love you”

He said “I still love you too. But I want to take things slow, not rush into anything. I need to take some time just for me to figure out what I want in life and what I’m doing. If something happens between us it is going to be over time.”

Holding me on the couch he asked me “Are you happy? Do you feel safe? Do you feel warm inside?” I told him that I was happy and did feel safe and warm; but I was terrified to trust it. He said that he understood.

He said “I won’t be a jerk to you anymore and I won’t be mean…unless I’m picking on you. No matter what you’re the mother of my son and I’ll always love you and care about you. We’ll always have a relationship as parents. And I’ll try to protect you and take care of you.”

It was everything that I’ve been wanting to hear. But it was so hard to accept as true. I’ve been SO hurt for months now. I want it to be true but I’m afraid to completely let my guard down. I can’t afford to get hurt like I was before. This was a really good first step, but I need to see how things play out over time.

We fell asleep on the couch watching a movie; Rudy holding me. I woke up about 1:00am and headed home. The next morning I got a text “I wish you had stayed the night. I wanted to wake up next to you.” I was on cloud 9!

That was Sunday. We talked some on Monday and Tuesday. We agreed on what to do for Christmas and Christmas Eve. We decided to exchange gifts between us and for Lucian; also that we would spend Christmas Eve together. This is all very exciting and wonderful. But at the same time it’s horrible and confusing. Now it’s Wednesday and I didn’t really hear from Rudy today; I’ve not seen him since Sunday. I don’t know what that means but it makes me crazy! I don’t know what to think or how to feel. I’m trying to be logical and protect myself but my heart always gets swept away.