Quick Update

Still no real word from Rudy. It's been 2 weeks now and he's been over to see Lucian a total of 1 hour in that period of time. I don't understand why he's ignoring me and I'm really tired of this childish behavior. It's time to grow up. It's time to start communicating like a grown up that has a 2 month old baby. I don't understand why he can't separate his relationship with me from his relationship with Lucian. You don't want to see me, fine. Come see your son, I'll leave. How did I judge him so badly? How did I miss all of this horrible stuff about him? I suppose Rudy showed me what he wanted me to see. I think he wanted to be able to do all of this: have a baby, be a family. But when it came down to it, he just can't.

I know that I deserve better than what he's giving me and that I really shouldn't want him in my life. So why do I? Why do I even care what happens to him? Outside of Lucian and Lucian needing Rudy in his life. I guess I’m still holding on to that person Rudy was; the person he was pretending to be when all of this started. I keep hoping that person will come back; that Rudy really is that person he was pretending to be. Maybe he is; maybe he’s not. The question I need to answer, is how long am I willing to wait to find out?

I hate it. I hate not knowing, I hate not being able to move forward. I wish I could have a clear answer, a clean cut or a real relationship. Honestly at this point I’d settle for some honest, good communication. I’ve always demanded total honesty and the utmost of intimacy from all of my relationships. Whatever it is, I can deal with it so long as I know the whole story. Tell me your thoughts and feelings, where you’re coming from. I thought I had explained this to Rudy when we first got together.

Maybe I don’t have to have the answers. I suppose neither of us is going anywhere, and we’ll be in each other’s lives for at least the next 18+ years. I can be open to other relationships at the same time as I’m waiting to see who Rudy really is. I guess that question will need to be answered if I find someone else. In the mean time I’ll just hang out here in purgatory, no-man’s-land, limbo.