Wonders Never Cease

Yesterday I asked Rudy if he was going to come by. I ask him every Monday and Wednesday because he teaches a martial arts class at the Lifetime fitness right next to my apartment. But he came by on Sunday and he's NEVER come by 2 days in a row. I ask him anyways. He says, maybe. We talk for a bit through texts and it gets closer to when he would be coming by. I ask again, he says probably not.

About 5 minutes later there is one loud, strong BANG on my door. It’s done that before and I guess it’s the wind, or some kinds playing games. I get up and look out the peep hole, I don’t see anyone. I slowly open the door and Rudy is standing there leaning on the door frame. My heart is in my throat and my stomach is doing summersaults. This is a glimpse of who he used to be; playful, spontaneous, and almost romantic. He likes to keep me on my toes so I never know what’s coming next. But in a really good way, an exciting, impulsive, sweep you off your feet kind of way.

He stays for a little over an hour. I kissed him on the cheek and snuggled a little bit while he held Lucian. A few hours after he leaves I get a text “kind of disappointing you didn’t do anything”. He means I didn’t kiss him on the mouth. We flirt back and forth about this for a bit. I tell him that I will eventually, maybe before the week is out. And I give him a hard time that he isn’t making any moves. He says it’s because he has ‘restraint’. I tell him that I don’t buy it and he’s just afraid. He says that he’s not afraid but he’s not going to do anything about the fact that he wants to kiss me too. We talk for 2 hours on text messages. By that time I’m in my PJs and sitting in bed feeding Lucian. Here’s how the conversation wrapped up…

I say ‘before the week is over, I’ll kiss you, so long as you come over…but you know this will change things’
‘How’
‘It just will, I don’t know how, kissing someone always changes things….didn’t we sleep together like the day after we kissed for the first time?’
‘Possibly’
‘I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, is certainly wasn’t a bad thing then ;) good lord was it a good thing ;-)’
‘hmm’
‘hmm what?’
‘just hmm’
‘ok then’
‘k?’
‘yeah, ok :) I wish you were here right now, I’d kiss you and hold you’
‘whys that?’
‘Cause I want to, I want to remember how good it felt, kissing you, holding you in bed laying together.’
‘why’
‘why not, it was a really good feeling, and I’ve thought about it for a long time. Do you know how hard it is to sleep alone in the bed where we slept together? Where we made our son….it sucks’

Just then there was a knock at the door…
‘are you here?’
‘yes’

I thought my stomach was doing summersaults before, I surprised I didn’t throw up this time! I open the door and he has a change of clothes in his hands and says…

‘I have to leave by 6:30’
I’m speechless and stammer and stutter trying to piece it all together in my mind.
He says again, ‘I have to leave by 6:30’
‘do you want me to make you a spot on the couch…or did...you want to…sleep… in the bed?’
He says coyly, ‘why do you think I’m here’
‘ok, I’m just asking’

I scurry around clearing the bed where I keep everything for Lucian at night; diapers, wipes, pacifiers, blankets for burping, wash clothes for wiping droll. Rudy finds a place to put his things. We brush by each other in the little hallway. He says, ‘don’t read too much into this’.

I respond assuredly ‘I’m not’

We get in the bed with less awkwardness than one might think. I had been feeding Lucian when he showed up so I needed to finish. Rudy lays down and pretends he’s not looking at me. I always sleep with Lucian in the bed with me. (Maybe not the safest thing, but it’s how he sleeps best, otherwise he just throws up over and over and over. Plus I’m a VERY light sleeper to begin with, so I'm not really worried about it.) I turn out the light and lay down with Lucian on my chest. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Rudy staring at us. I roll over away from him, Lucian in front of me but still facing me. I quietly say ‘come here’. Rudy fidgets a minute. ‘Please?’ ‘hang on a minute’. He spoons us both; his arm around my waist, hand on Lucian’s back. We sleep that way for a few hours.

Then it’s time to feed Lucian again. I feed him and Rudy asks if I’ll put him in the bassinette, he’s having trouble sleeping. I put Lucian in his bed and Rudy scoots close and grabs me. We hold each other the rest of the night. In the morning he gets dressed and I walk him to the door with Lucian in my arms. He kisses Lucian and hugs me; I tell him to have a good day. It was almost like we were a family.