After jumping out of a plane at 17,000 feet today I feel like I'm myself again, finally alive again! I remember who I am. And I’m just starting to allow myself to accept that....I’m amazing! I am really, honestly and truly just starting to realize that everyone else is NOT like me.
I have a lot to offer the world and maybe someday to offer someone special. But they had better be pretty damn amazing too. And they better be able to keep up!!! I’m not bring anyone along anymore; maybe for a change someone could bring me along, or we could walk/run/skydive side by side!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
car accident
I had a car accident on the way to school today. I was driving down Santa Fe, 3 cars in front of me and the light turns yellow. The first car, which was practically in the intersection, stops dead! Everyone starts to slam on their breaks and I can’t stop in time. I hit the red Jeep Grand Cherokee in front of me. I exchange info with the lady I hit. Who by the way was the nicest person I’ve ever hit with my car! She said she was so sorry that it happened and that she was lucky to have been able to stop in time. She hugged me and wished me a better day! I love Colorado!
I sat in my car deciding if I was gonna go on to class or not. I was in shock and just beside myself. My mind was racing about what to do and how I was gonna be able to take care of this. The first person I thought to call was Rudy. I hate that he’s the first person I thought of to call. But he had Lucian and I was thinking how thankful I was that I didn’t have him in the car with me! Why do I hate that Rudy’s the first person I thought to call? I guess because he’s hurt me so much. The stubborn brat in me doesn’t want to admit that I needed him, no I wanted him there.
I called Rudy and he talked to me and calmed me down. Then he offered to come pick me up (I’m a good 30 mins away and he’s got the baby and he has to go teach a class in an hour and a half). I was floored that he offered to come help me. At first I said I don’t know. I didn’t know if I really wanted to accept help from him. And I was worried that it would just add more emotion and drama to an already emotional and dramatic situation. But he asked again, “do you want me to come pick you up?” I said yes. He came out and looked at my car. Told me it was drivable if I wanted to drive it home and follow him. I didn’t want to leave my car there and I trusted him. So I said ok.
I called him on the way back and thanked him for coming and helping me out. I knew he had to get to class and offered for him to just go on and I’d watch Lucian while he was in class. I asked him if he would please come back though and take care of Lucian while I took care of getting my car fixed, getting a rental car, etc. He said he would.
We got back to my apartment and he wrapped his arms around me. I felt safe, and small, in a good way, ya know what I mean? I cried. I’ve tried SO hard to put up this front with Rudy. Like I don’t need him, I’m doing just fine on my own; when really I’ve been hanging on by a very thin thread. But today I felt safe enough to let my guard down, be vulnerable and cry. He held me tight and said Just breathe. He left for class and I called his parents. They were in the area because they thought they were watching Lucian while Rudy was at class. They came over and helped me with Lucian while I took care of insurance and what not. Bob, Rudy’s dad drove me to get my rental car. He asked about my deductable. I told him it was $750…that I don’t have. He said “I’d like to help you with that”. I was speechless. I thanked him and told him how much that meant to me; I didn’t know what I was going to do. It was a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders.
Rudy came by after class and his parents were still there. We all chatted for a bit and just hung out. They helped me get some of the cat stuff out of the apartment. We laughed and were light-hearted. I caught a glimpse of the life that Rudy and I could have together but never will. It was a tease, a mirage. It wasn’t real, it didn’t matter. It almost would have been easier if he would have just blown me off but he didn't. And I don’t know what that means…probably nothing.
I sat in my car deciding if I was gonna go on to class or not. I was in shock and just beside myself. My mind was racing about what to do and how I was gonna be able to take care of this. The first person I thought to call was Rudy. I hate that he’s the first person I thought of to call. But he had Lucian and I was thinking how thankful I was that I didn’t have him in the car with me! Why do I hate that Rudy’s the first person I thought to call? I guess because he’s hurt me so much. The stubborn brat in me doesn’t want to admit that I needed him, no I wanted him there.
I called Rudy and he talked to me and calmed me down. Then he offered to come pick me up (I’m a good 30 mins away and he’s got the baby and he has to go teach a class in an hour and a half). I was floored that he offered to come help me. At first I said I don’t know. I didn’t know if I really wanted to accept help from him. And I was worried that it would just add more emotion and drama to an already emotional and dramatic situation. But he asked again, “do you want me to come pick you up?” I said yes. He came out and looked at my car. Told me it was drivable if I wanted to drive it home and follow him. I didn’t want to leave my car there and I trusted him. So I said ok.
I called him on the way back and thanked him for coming and helping me out. I knew he had to get to class and offered for him to just go on and I’d watch Lucian while he was in class. I asked him if he would please come back though and take care of Lucian while I took care of getting my car fixed, getting a rental car, etc. He said he would.
We got back to my apartment and he wrapped his arms around me. I felt safe, and small, in a good way, ya know what I mean? I cried. I’ve tried SO hard to put up this front with Rudy. Like I don’t need him, I’m doing just fine on my own; when really I’ve been hanging on by a very thin thread. But today I felt safe enough to let my guard down, be vulnerable and cry. He held me tight and said Just breathe. He left for class and I called his parents. They were in the area because they thought they were watching Lucian while Rudy was at class. They came over and helped me with Lucian while I took care of insurance and what not. Bob, Rudy’s dad drove me to get my rental car. He asked about my deductable. I told him it was $750…that I don’t have. He said “I’d like to help you with that”. I was speechless. I thanked him and told him how much that meant to me; I didn’t know what I was going to do. It was a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders.
Rudy came by after class and his parents were still there. We all chatted for a bit and just hung out. They helped me get some of the cat stuff out of the apartment. We laughed and were light-hearted. I caught a glimpse of the life that Rudy and I could have together but never will. It was a tease, a mirage. It wasn’t real, it didn’t matter. It almost would have been easier if he would have just blown me off but he didn't. And I don’t know what that means…probably nothing.
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