Vent

I'm working my way through some pretty tough stuff. I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that Lucian's dad seems to want nothing to do with either of us. I haven't seen him in 7 weeks and the last I heard from him (which wasn't even a conversation it was a one line text message) was 2 weeks ago.

I don't understand what has happened and I feel completely powerless to change it. It is a horrible feeling that I can't describe. I don't understand how someone, who takes care of kids for a living and teaches them martial arts outside of work, can plan to have a baby and then abandon them. I feel lied to and tricked. The person I wanted to have a baby with no longer exists. And I get very upset with myself when I am sad that he's gone.
On top of that, it's been a really hard month. I took over a classroom and have been playing catch up with lesson plans and work. Lucian has been very sick twice and then this weekend I got very sick. My life on the day to day literally takes everything I have to make it work. So any normal bumps are disasters for me, I don't have anything extra to cope with them.
And I don't know where to go from here. I don't really have any good options. I can move to NC with Mom and Dad where I wouldn't know anyone, be in a place that I don’t' want to be, start all over finding a job building friendships. But I would be financially better off. Or I can stay here and keep struggling, take Rudy to court to try and get some child support, but he has no money.

I'm sorry I've gone on like this! There is just a lot to process in my head and I don't really have anyone to talk it out with.  I know that in the end things will work and I'll be ok...it’s just the process of getting there is SO difficult and I'm tired of struggling. Just once I want something to be easy! :-)