Well last Friday morning I went to the Dr because I was still bleeding from delivering Lucian. They did an ultrasound and found I still had part of the placenta inside me. The Dr said I needed to have a D&C. A D&C is when they dilate you and then scrape out everything inside your uterus. It’s outpatient surgery; you’re put to sleep and the whole nine yards of any surgery but you get to go home pretty soon after everything is done. We scheduled it for the next day but then his office called and asked if I could do it that night instead. So we scheduled the surgery for Friday night.
I had told Rudy earlier in the week that I had to go back to the Dr and I might need his help. I had a feeling I was going to need a D&C. So as soon as I got home I sent Rudy a text to let him know what was going on and see if he would come help me with Lucian.
I said, “Can you come over tonight right after work? I’m having surgery…”
A little later, “I need a ride and someone to watch Lucian, will you help me?”
A while later still, “Are you seriously not even going to respond to me when I’m having surgery? That’s really fucked up Rudy…”
He hasn’t really been talking to me at all in the last week or so. I’ve gotten maybe one or two texts is all.
An hour or so goes by and it’s been my experience that if he doesn’t respond right away, he isn’t going to. So most of what I send him is for my benefit and not his; just things I need to get off my chest.
“I’m so hurt that you aren’t even going to talk to me when I’m having surgery, there aren’t words for it. I’ve never been so let down.”
Almost right away I get this message, (prepare to get mad) “first I’m at work second you never told me about this.”
REALLY!? I couldn’t tell you the number of HOURS Rudy has spent texting at work. This has never been a concern of his; he’s just being an ass hole!
My response, “I’m sorry to bother you at work, this is kind of important. You didn’t know about this because I just found out this morning when I went to the Dr, and I told you I was going to the dr and might need your help.”
No response
About 20 minutes later I say, “But you don’t have to do anything, your mom is going to help me, like always”
After surgery I send this message, “Do you want to know how things went? Or do you care?”
No Response.
The next day he was teaching a sword class at the Dojo here in Parker, 5 minutes away from my apartment. Hoping that maybe he didn’t respond to any of my texts because he cares about me so much he was just scared to deal with the idea of me having surgery and because I figured with the message I had sent the night before he wasn’t likely to stop by and check on me so I thought I would open that door and see if he walked through.
“I hope you’ll come by after sword class, it would be really nice to know that you care, if you do. I was very hurt yesterday by your response. I was scared and felt like you didn’t care at all.”
He knew his mom was over and I don’t think he wanted to see her so several hours later when I knew class was over I said, “Your mom left a little bit ago…are you going to stop by?”
No response and he never stopped by.
An hour later, “Is that a no? Do you care about me at all Rudy? I’m so hurt, I can’t even be mad, I’m devastated, I don’t understand.”
Two hours later still no response and I need a little closure, “Well I guess we’ll see you Christmas Eve….bye my love”
His family invited me and Lucian out to dinner for Christmas Eve, it’s their family tradition.
I took a long nap and woke up feeling a bit stiff and achy. I thought I had just slept wrong on the couch or something like that. Otherwise I was feeling ok and my friend Kate was having a holiday party. There would be several people there I know and haven’t seen in a while. I’ve been isolated and cooped up for awhile and really wanted to go to the party. So I went. Ate some great food and hung out for a while. As the night wore on I felt more and more achy and stiff.
I didn’t sleep well that night and to move, even just to turn over in bed, took a lot of effort and hurt like none other. To sit up in the bed so I could feed Lucian hurt, to unbutton his clothes hurt, to slide open my phone hurt.
That was Saturday. When I got up Sunday, this afternoon, I almost fell over because it hurt so badly to stand up. So I wrote to Rudy, “I’m in a lot of pain, having trouble taking care of Lucian, will you help me?”
No response…he never responded and didn’t come over to help me. Luckily a good friend came over and helped me that night. The next day I was on the mend. So strange!
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Interesting Dream
I had a crazy dream...well most of my dreams are crazy, long and very detailed. The jest of this dream was that I'm supposed to wait for Rudy to get his shit together and that I'm supposed to be with him...perhaps that's my subconscious hoping things will work out, or maybe it's really what I'm supposed to do...who knows?
So I dreamt that I was in this big room, there were a lot of people in there and we were being attacked by this octopus like monster...I just saw the tentacles. I had Lucian in my arms and was climbing up on a desk in a corner and trying to get up on the cabinets above. I was screaming for Rudy to help me as the tentacles were thrashing around me, scraping my leg. He was nowhere to be found, and it was getting really scary. Then out of nowhere he showed up and saved us. HOW CHEEEEEZY!!!! God I'm a hopeless romantic even in my dreams! hahaha Well then in my dream I heard someone say, 'see he does care about you, you just have to wait for him' I don’t know who said it....
So I dreamt that I was in this big room, there were a lot of people in there and we were being attacked by this octopus like monster...I just saw the tentacles. I had Lucian in my arms and was climbing up on a desk in a corner and trying to get up on the cabinets above. I was screaming for Rudy to help me as the tentacles were thrashing around me, scraping my leg. He was nowhere to be found, and it was getting really scary. Then out of nowhere he showed up and saved us. HOW CHEEEEEZY!!!! God I'm a hopeless romantic even in my dreams! hahaha Well then in my dream I heard someone say, 'see he does care about you, you just have to wait for him' I don’t know who said it....
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Quick Update
Still no real word from Rudy. It's been 2 weeks now and he's been over to see Lucian a total of 1 hour in that period of time. I don't understand why he's ignoring me and I'm really tired of this childish behavior. It's time to grow up. It's time to start communicating like a grown up that has a 2 month old baby. I don't understand why he can't separate his relationship with me from his relationship with Lucian. You don't want to see me, fine. Come see your son, I'll leave. How did I judge him so badly? How did I miss all of this horrible stuff about him? I suppose Rudy showed me what he wanted me to see. I think he wanted to be able to do all of this: have a baby, be a family. But when it came down to it, he just can't.
I know that I deserve better than what he's giving me and that I really shouldn't want him in my life. So why do I? Why do I even care what happens to him? Outside of Lucian and Lucian needing Rudy in his life. I guess I’m still holding on to that person Rudy was; the person he was pretending to be when all of this started. I keep hoping that person will come back; that Rudy really is that person he was pretending to be. Maybe he is; maybe he’s not. The question I need to answer, is how long am I willing to wait to find out?
I hate it. I hate not knowing, I hate not being able to move forward. I wish I could have a clear answer, a clean cut or a real relationship. Honestly at this point I’d settle for some honest, good communication. I’ve always demanded total honesty and the utmost of intimacy from all of my relationships. Whatever it is, I can deal with it so long as I know the whole story. Tell me your thoughts and feelings, where you’re coming from. I thought I had explained this to Rudy when we first got together.
Maybe I don’t have to have the answers. I suppose neither of us is going anywhere, and we’ll be in each other’s lives for at least the next 18+ years. I can be open to other relationships at the same time as I’m waiting to see who Rudy really is. I guess that question will need to be answered if I find someone else. In the mean time I’ll just hang out here in purgatory, no-man’s-land, limbo.
I know that I deserve better than what he's giving me and that I really shouldn't want him in my life. So why do I? Why do I even care what happens to him? Outside of Lucian and Lucian needing Rudy in his life. I guess I’m still holding on to that person Rudy was; the person he was pretending to be when all of this started. I keep hoping that person will come back; that Rudy really is that person he was pretending to be. Maybe he is; maybe he’s not. The question I need to answer, is how long am I willing to wait to find out?
I hate it. I hate not knowing, I hate not being able to move forward. I wish I could have a clear answer, a clean cut or a real relationship. Honestly at this point I’d settle for some honest, good communication. I’ve always demanded total honesty and the utmost of intimacy from all of my relationships. Whatever it is, I can deal with it so long as I know the whole story. Tell me your thoughts and feelings, where you’re coming from. I thought I had explained this to Rudy when we first got together.
Maybe I don’t have to have the answers. I suppose neither of us is going anywhere, and we’ll be in each other’s lives for at least the next 18+ years. I can be open to other relationships at the same time as I’m waiting to see who Rudy really is. I guess that question will need to be answered if I find someone else. In the mean time I’ll just hang out here in purgatory, no-man’s-land, limbo.
Friday, December 11, 2009
2 Steps Forward...
On Wednesday Rudy didn’t really respond to any of my texts. Then he didn’t come over….again. He hasn’t seen Lucian since last Thursday. It’s very frustrating because on Mondays and Wednesdays he teaches classes at the Lifetime gym, 50 yards from my apartment. Yet he can’t come over…? Really? I thought that things had changed after last weekend and I trusted all of the things he said….such a fool. Here’s our conversation on Thursday.
“4 nights in a row he’s been awake for 2 hours in the middle of the night, im so frustrated….he was up a lot yesterday so he should have been tired, took 5 oz then nursed so he shouldn’t be hungry. I don’t know what to do, I hate this and I hate that I have to figure it out by myself”
No response, no support, no anything!
2 hours later…“I need you to come over tonight, we need to talk and figure some things out”
“figure what out?”
“We need a schedule of when you’re going to have Lucian, you don’t want to commit to me, that’s fine, but you need to make some commitments to Lucian because he needs you, I can’t do this alone, and I shouldn’t have to….your son deserves better than what I can give him when I have to do this by myself all the time”
“it’s time for you to share some of the responsibility”
“ah no not tonight”
WHAT!? This is the fourth night he’s not coming over! And I clearly need a break and some help!
“you better have a damn good reason….why not?”
“cause your attitude and approach”
“fuck that Rudy, I’ve been patient long enough, you should want the opportunity to have scheduled time with your son….I’m done”
“bye”
“you can figure out the birth cert, you don’t want to accept responsibility…you get no rights”
You see in Colorado when you’re married and have a baby, only your ‘husband’ can be on the birth certificate…even if he’s been in another state for 10 months because he tried to kill you one too many times! So now that my divorce is final we have to go back and fill out some paperwork to get Rudy on the birth certificate as Lucian’s father. This is a REALLY big sticking point for Rudy so I’m basically just being a bitch and trying to hit a nerve. The fact that he says nothing means he knows what I’m doing and is trying to not let it affect him. But at the same time what I said is true; why should Rudy have the right to be on the birth certificate when he’s not taking any responsibility for his son. If I want to take him to court for child support though, he has to be listed as the father. If he’s not on there I can’t get any money, but I also don’t have to let him see Lucian. This is NOT what I want!! I don’t want things to get catty and mottled by legal bullshit! UGH!
“I’ve been through hell the last 6 months and it’s because of you, this is exactly what I said I was afraid of on Sunday, you say you love me but nothing changed you’re still being selfish. You said you want to take care of me and protect me but I’m still having to do this on my own. I don’t understand”
“apparently you didn’t understand anything I said on Sunday”
“apparently you didn’t communicate it well because those were your exact words”
"I said a lot more then that”
“and those were not my exact words”
“then what were your exact words? what did you mean?”
“I felt bad for you and your bad luck so I tried to make things easier for you, but you’ve taken advantage of it and pushed me past my limit time and time again”
“I haven’t taken advantage of anything”
“you have in a big way, you’ve taken advantage of my patience, understanding, forgiveness, most of all my strength and ability to take care of Lucian on my own”
“this would be easier if I knew you were going to be no help at all so I could stop counting on it and being let down”
“you never answered my questions: what were your exact words? what did you mean?”
“I can’t answer I’m at work”
This is a bullshit response and basically means that he has NO idea what his exact words were.
2 hours later when I knew he was on lunch “you don’t have anything to say”
No response
“ok then, don’t show up here without an apology, for walking out 6 months ago, not going to any dr appts or birth classes, and not taking any responsibility for or helping me with Lucian since he was born except that one Sunday.”
“how you’re acting is one reason why I don’t want a relationship”
“haha right back at you!”
“I deserve way more than you’ve given me, someone that actually wants to take care of me and Lucian”
“what I hear you saying is that you don’t want a relationship b/c I have expectations of you and when you continuously don’t meet them, I get frustrated”
2 hours later...
“I need help and a break, so your mom is gonna come by tonight after Lucian’s dr appt. she called about the baby pictures and she could tell I had been crying”
“and”
“wow, just thought I’d let you know…that’s pretty cold”
“I told you about her calling so you don’t think I ran to her, and that I was crying so you know I didn’t tell her anything to make her come over”
“I knew you would take that the wrong way”
“If you knew then why did you say it anyway?”
“I realized too late”
“fair enough”
“you know that I think it should be you giving me a break and help”
Then I told him that I got the results of my pap smear and it came back abnormal again and I have to have another test done. He didn’t even respond. I’m so confused and frustrated. I’m mad at myself for being a fool and trusting him this past weekend that he really did love me. I should have known that things wouldn’t change.
I saw my therapist today and he suggested that I take Rudy’s words literally. Rudy said he ‘wants’ to take care of me and protect me. He didn’t say he would. Often times there are a lot of things we want to do that we don’t actually do or that we can’t do right now. I think that’s what Rudy was saying. He wants to do those things, but he said he was going to take things slowly…I suppose that means he’s not going to do those things for me now. Ugh it’s so much bullshit to wade through and try to figure out. Why do guys SUCK at communication?
“4 nights in a row he’s been awake for 2 hours in the middle of the night, im so frustrated….he was up a lot yesterday so he should have been tired, took 5 oz then nursed so he shouldn’t be hungry. I don’t know what to do, I hate this and I hate that I have to figure it out by myself”
No response, no support, no anything!
2 hours later…“I need you to come over tonight, we need to talk and figure some things out”
“figure what out?”
“We need a schedule of when you’re going to have Lucian, you don’t want to commit to me, that’s fine, but you need to make some commitments to Lucian because he needs you, I can’t do this alone, and I shouldn’t have to….your son deserves better than what I can give him when I have to do this by myself all the time”
“it’s time for you to share some of the responsibility”
“ah no not tonight”
WHAT!? This is the fourth night he’s not coming over! And I clearly need a break and some help!
“you better have a damn good reason….why not?”
“cause your attitude and approach”
“fuck that Rudy, I’ve been patient long enough, you should want the opportunity to have scheduled time with your son….I’m done”
“bye”
“you can figure out the birth cert, you don’t want to accept responsibility…you get no rights”
You see in Colorado when you’re married and have a baby, only your ‘husband’ can be on the birth certificate…even if he’s been in another state for 10 months because he tried to kill you one too many times! So now that my divorce is final we have to go back and fill out some paperwork to get Rudy on the birth certificate as Lucian’s father. This is a REALLY big sticking point for Rudy so I’m basically just being a bitch and trying to hit a nerve. The fact that he says nothing means he knows what I’m doing and is trying to not let it affect him. But at the same time what I said is true; why should Rudy have the right to be on the birth certificate when he’s not taking any responsibility for his son. If I want to take him to court for child support though, he has to be listed as the father. If he’s not on there I can’t get any money, but I also don’t have to let him see Lucian. This is NOT what I want!! I don’t want things to get catty and mottled by legal bullshit! UGH!
“I’ve been through hell the last 6 months and it’s because of you, this is exactly what I said I was afraid of on Sunday, you say you love me but nothing changed you’re still being selfish. You said you want to take care of me and protect me but I’m still having to do this on my own. I don’t understand”
“apparently you didn’t understand anything I said on Sunday”
“apparently you didn’t communicate it well because those were your exact words”
"I said a lot more then that”
“and those were not my exact words”
“then what were your exact words? what did you mean?”
“I felt bad for you and your bad luck so I tried to make things easier for you, but you’ve taken advantage of it and pushed me past my limit time and time again”
“I haven’t taken advantage of anything”
“you have in a big way, you’ve taken advantage of my patience, understanding, forgiveness, most of all my strength and ability to take care of Lucian on my own”
“this would be easier if I knew you were going to be no help at all so I could stop counting on it and being let down”
“you never answered my questions: what were your exact words? what did you mean?”
“I can’t answer I’m at work”
This is a bullshit response and basically means that he has NO idea what his exact words were.
2 hours later when I knew he was on lunch “you don’t have anything to say”
No response
“ok then, don’t show up here without an apology, for walking out 6 months ago, not going to any dr appts or birth classes, and not taking any responsibility for or helping me with Lucian since he was born except that one Sunday.”
“how you’re acting is one reason why I don’t want a relationship”
“haha right back at you!”
“I deserve way more than you’ve given me, someone that actually wants to take care of me and Lucian”
“what I hear you saying is that you don’t want a relationship b/c I have expectations of you and when you continuously don’t meet them, I get frustrated”
2 hours later...
“I need help and a break, so your mom is gonna come by tonight after Lucian’s dr appt. she called about the baby pictures and she could tell I had been crying”
“and”
“wow, just thought I’d let you know…that’s pretty cold”
“I told you about her calling so you don’t think I ran to her, and that I was crying so you know I didn’t tell her anything to make her come over”
“I knew you would take that the wrong way”
“If you knew then why did you say it anyway?”
“I realized too late”
“fair enough”
“you know that I think it should be you giving me a break and help”
Then I told him that I got the results of my pap smear and it came back abnormal again and I have to have another test done. He didn’t even respond. I’m so confused and frustrated. I’m mad at myself for being a fool and trusting him this past weekend that he really did love me. I should have known that things wouldn’t change.
I saw my therapist today and he suggested that I take Rudy’s words literally. Rudy said he ‘wants’ to take care of me and protect me. He didn’t say he would. Often times there are a lot of things we want to do that we don’t actually do or that we can’t do right now. I think that’s what Rudy was saying. He wants to do those things, but he said he was going to take things slowly…I suppose that means he’s not going to do those things for me now. Ugh it’s so much bullshit to wade through and try to figure out. Why do guys SUCK at communication?
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Catching Up...Again
Wow, where do I start!? Thanksgiving. Rudy came and got me and Lucian and took us to his parents’ house for Thanksgiving dinner…it wasn’t a good day. Emotions came to a head and over flowed; Rudy and his mom had it out. I think it will ultimately be a good thing but it’s going to take some time to get there. One good thing that came from the day is that Rudy was thinking about me and my needs. We stayed for about 4 hours even though he was miserable, very uncomfortable and wanted to leave. I asked him why he stayed and he said “well I knew you needed to be around people today”.
I didn’t see Rudy again until Saturday and then it was just for a little over an hour. As he was leaving I gave him a look like I was going to kiss him. He said “not now.” I asked him why and he couldn’t give me a reason.
I sent a guilt filled message saying “Come spend the day with us tomorrow. I need some company and a break. You’ve had my car for 2 weeks I don’t think one day is too much to ask.” The response was a simple “ok”.
Rudy came over about 12:30 Sunday. He hung out and took care of Lucian while I got some things done around the apartment. I asked if Rudy wanted to give Lucian a bath and he said no. I asked him why not. “I don’t know how.” I told him “Then learn, you have a son you need to know how to give him a bath”. Then I offered “why don’t you help me give him a bath so you can learn.” Rudy agreed. I told him he was lucky that he had me to help him figure things out…I had to figure everything out on my own. He said “you’re in a strange mood”.
“I know, I’m feisty”
“Why?”
“I feel like I’m doing all of this by myself and it’s not fair”
We gave Lucian a bath and then they fell asleep on the couch, it was very sweet. A while later I asked Rudy if he was hungry ‘cause I was going to make something for me to eat. He said that he was but he wanted to go out to eat. He asked where I wanted to go. We decided to go out to Red Robin, one of our favorite places to go to eat. It was really nice eating out, felt like a family. It was hard to remember that we’re not a family and it was a little bit hard to enjoy myself because I knew I would soon be alone again.
He took us home and then said he was heading out. I gave him that look again like I wanted to kiss him and said, “You probably don’t want me to do it now either.”
“Probably not.”
“well you don’t give a girl a lot of options”
“for what?”
“when to kiss you.”
“Fine then” and he kissed me square on the lips. It was soft and firm, sweet. It lasted for a while and I pulled away before he did. There was one long kiss and a few little kisses after before he walked to the door and left. It was so comfortable, like we’d been doing it all along. It felt natural and right, like it was supposed to happen. It was 7:00pm by the time Rudy went home, he really did spend the day with us!
This was a week ago Sunday. My friend Ashley was coming out to see me Wednesday of the following week and I needed my car back by Tuesday night. Rudy brought it by Tuesday and stayed for about 45 mins. I told him that we probably wouldn’t see each other while Ashley was here because he didn’t want to be put in an awkward position knowing that she hates him for what he’s done.
Thursday Rudy and his friend Garrett wanted to come over. I told them that would be fine. They came and stayed for a few hours. I enjoyed them being here but I know that Ashley did not. I think everyone felt awkward. After they left Rudy sent me a text asking me to come over; it was 11:00 at night and he’s NEVER asked me to come over. He was very insistent and really wouldn’t let it go. I said we should make plans to hang out another day. Ashley had offered to watch Lucian if there was something I wanted to go and do without him. So we decided to hang out Saturday night. We saw a movie and then went to his apartment to hang out. It was great! We started talking and he was really opening up and letting down his guard.
I went home. Almost as soon as I got home Rudy was texting me to come back. He wanted me to spend the night. I tried to explain to him that I couldn’t. Lucian needed me and I had a friend out visiting me. He was VERY insistent and got upset like his feelings were hurt.
The next day I told him I wanted to come see him again. He agreed. I asked if he wanted me to bring Lucian or if he wanted to take advantage of us being able to be alone. He said he wanted it to be just us.
It was a fantastic night! We talked a lot and made a lot of progress. I told Rudy “I love you”
He said “I still love you too. But I want to take things slow, not rush into anything. I need to take some time just for me to figure out what I want in life and what I’m doing. If something happens between us it is going to be over time.”
Holding me on the couch he asked me “Are you happy? Do you feel safe? Do you feel warm inside?” I told him that I was happy and did feel safe and warm; but I was terrified to trust it. He said that he understood.
He said “I won’t be a jerk to you anymore and I won’t be mean…unless I’m picking on you. No matter what you’re the mother of my son and I’ll always love you and care about you. We’ll always have a relationship as parents. And I’ll try to protect you and take care of you.”
It was everything that I’ve been wanting to hear. But it was so hard to accept as true. I’ve been SO hurt for months now. I want it to be true but I’m afraid to completely let my guard down. I can’t afford to get hurt like I was before. This was a really good first step, but I need to see how things play out over time.
We fell asleep on the couch watching a movie; Rudy holding me. I woke up about 1:00am and headed home. The next morning I got a text “I wish you had stayed the night. I wanted to wake up next to you.” I was on cloud 9!
That was Sunday. We talked some on Monday and Tuesday. We agreed on what to do for Christmas and Christmas Eve. We decided to exchange gifts between us and for Lucian; also that we would spend Christmas Eve together. This is all very exciting and wonderful. But at the same time it’s horrible and confusing. Now it’s Wednesday and I didn’t really hear from Rudy today; I’ve not seen him since Sunday. I don’t know what that means but it makes me crazy! I don’t know what to think or how to feel. I’m trying to be logical and protect myself but my heart always gets swept away.
I didn’t see Rudy again until Saturday and then it was just for a little over an hour. As he was leaving I gave him a look like I was going to kiss him. He said “not now.” I asked him why and he couldn’t give me a reason.
I sent a guilt filled message saying “Come spend the day with us tomorrow. I need some company and a break. You’ve had my car for 2 weeks I don’t think one day is too much to ask.” The response was a simple “ok”.
Rudy came over about 12:30 Sunday. He hung out and took care of Lucian while I got some things done around the apartment. I asked if Rudy wanted to give Lucian a bath and he said no. I asked him why not. “I don’t know how.” I told him “Then learn, you have a son you need to know how to give him a bath”. Then I offered “why don’t you help me give him a bath so you can learn.” Rudy agreed. I told him he was lucky that he had me to help him figure things out…I had to figure everything out on my own. He said “you’re in a strange mood”.
“I know, I’m feisty”
“Why?”
“I feel like I’m doing all of this by myself and it’s not fair”
We gave Lucian a bath and then they fell asleep on the couch, it was very sweet. A while later I asked Rudy if he was hungry ‘cause I was going to make something for me to eat. He said that he was but he wanted to go out to eat. He asked where I wanted to go. We decided to go out to Red Robin, one of our favorite places to go to eat. It was really nice eating out, felt like a family. It was hard to remember that we’re not a family and it was a little bit hard to enjoy myself because I knew I would soon be alone again.
He took us home and then said he was heading out. I gave him that look again like I wanted to kiss him and said, “You probably don’t want me to do it now either.”
“Probably not.”
“well you don’t give a girl a lot of options”
“for what?”
“when to kiss you.”
“Fine then” and he kissed me square on the lips. It was soft and firm, sweet. It lasted for a while and I pulled away before he did. There was one long kiss and a few little kisses after before he walked to the door and left. It was so comfortable, like we’d been doing it all along. It felt natural and right, like it was supposed to happen. It was 7:00pm by the time Rudy went home, he really did spend the day with us!
This was a week ago Sunday. My friend Ashley was coming out to see me Wednesday of the following week and I needed my car back by Tuesday night. Rudy brought it by Tuesday and stayed for about 45 mins. I told him that we probably wouldn’t see each other while Ashley was here because he didn’t want to be put in an awkward position knowing that she hates him for what he’s done.
Thursday Rudy and his friend Garrett wanted to come over. I told them that would be fine. They came and stayed for a few hours. I enjoyed them being here but I know that Ashley did not. I think everyone felt awkward. After they left Rudy sent me a text asking me to come over; it was 11:00 at night and he’s NEVER asked me to come over. He was very insistent and really wouldn’t let it go. I said we should make plans to hang out another day. Ashley had offered to watch Lucian if there was something I wanted to go and do without him. So we decided to hang out Saturday night. We saw a movie and then went to his apartment to hang out. It was great! We started talking and he was really opening up and letting down his guard.
I went home. Almost as soon as I got home Rudy was texting me to come back. He wanted me to spend the night. I tried to explain to him that I couldn’t. Lucian needed me and I had a friend out visiting me. He was VERY insistent and got upset like his feelings were hurt.
The next day I told him I wanted to come see him again. He agreed. I asked if he wanted me to bring Lucian or if he wanted to take advantage of us being able to be alone. He said he wanted it to be just us.
It was a fantastic night! We talked a lot and made a lot of progress. I told Rudy “I love you”
He said “I still love you too. But I want to take things slow, not rush into anything. I need to take some time just for me to figure out what I want in life and what I’m doing. If something happens between us it is going to be over time.”
Holding me on the couch he asked me “Are you happy? Do you feel safe? Do you feel warm inside?” I told him that I was happy and did feel safe and warm; but I was terrified to trust it. He said that he understood.
He said “I won’t be a jerk to you anymore and I won’t be mean…unless I’m picking on you. No matter what you’re the mother of my son and I’ll always love you and care about you. We’ll always have a relationship as parents. And I’ll try to protect you and take care of you.”
It was everything that I’ve been wanting to hear. But it was so hard to accept as true. I’ve been SO hurt for months now. I want it to be true but I’m afraid to completely let my guard down. I can’t afford to get hurt like I was before. This was a really good first step, but I need to see how things play out over time.
We fell asleep on the couch watching a movie; Rudy holding me. I woke up about 1:00am and headed home. The next morning I got a text “I wish you had stayed the night. I wanted to wake up next to you.” I was on cloud 9!
That was Sunday. We talked some on Monday and Tuesday. We agreed on what to do for Christmas and Christmas Eve. We decided to exchange gifts between us and for Lucian; also that we would spend Christmas Eve together. This is all very exciting and wonderful. But at the same time it’s horrible and confusing. Now it’s Wednesday and I didn’t really hear from Rudy today; I’ve not seen him since Sunday. I don’t know what that means but it makes me crazy! I don’t know what to think or how to feel. I’m trying to be logical and protect myself but my heart always gets swept away.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Wonders Never Cease
Yesterday I asked Rudy if he was going to come by. I ask him every Monday and Wednesday because he teaches a martial arts class at the Lifetime fitness right next to my apartment. But he came by on Sunday and he's NEVER come by 2 days in a row. I ask him anyways. He says, maybe. We talk for a bit through texts and it gets closer to when he would be coming by. I ask again, he says probably not.
About 5 minutes later there is one loud, strong BANG on my door. It’s done that before and I guess it’s the wind, or some kinds playing games. I get up and look out the peep hole, I don’t see anyone. I slowly open the door and Rudy is standing there leaning on the door frame. My heart is in my throat and my stomach is doing summersaults. This is a glimpse of who he used to be; playful, spontaneous, and almost romantic. He likes to keep me on my toes so I never know what’s coming next. But in a really good way, an exciting, impulsive, sweep you off your feet kind of way.
He stays for a little over an hour. I kissed him on the cheek and snuggled a little bit while he held Lucian. A few hours after he leaves I get a text “kind of disappointing you didn’t do anything”. He means I didn’t kiss him on the mouth. We flirt back and forth about this for a bit. I tell him that I will eventually, maybe before the week is out. And I give him a hard time that he isn’t making any moves. He says it’s because he has ‘restraint’. I tell him that I don’t buy it and he’s just afraid. He says that he’s not afraid but he’s not going to do anything about the fact that he wants to kiss me too. We talk for 2 hours on text messages. By that time I’m in my PJs and sitting in bed feeding Lucian. Here’s how the conversation wrapped up…
I say ‘before the week is over, I’ll kiss you, so long as you come over…but you know this will change things’
‘How’
‘It just will, I don’t know how, kissing someone always changes things….didn’t we sleep together like the day after we kissed for the first time?’
‘Possibly’
‘I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, is certainly wasn’t a bad thing then ;) good lord was it a good thing ;-)’
‘hmm’
‘hmm what?’
‘just hmm’
‘ok then’
‘k?’
‘yeah, ok :) I wish you were here right now, I’d kiss you and hold you’
‘whys that?’
‘Cause I want to, I want to remember how good it felt, kissing you, holding you in bed laying together.’
‘why’
‘why not, it was a really good feeling, and I’ve thought about it for a long time. Do you know how hard it is to sleep alone in the bed where we slept together? Where we made our son….it sucks’
Just then there was a knock at the door…
‘are you here?’
‘yes’
I thought my stomach was doing summersaults before, I surprised I didn’t throw up this time! I open the door and he has a change of clothes in his hands and says…
‘I have to leave by 6:30’
I’m speechless and stammer and stutter trying to piece it all together in my mind.
He says again, ‘I have to leave by 6:30’
‘do you want me to make you a spot on the couch…or did...you want to…sleep… in the bed?’
He says coyly, ‘why do you think I’m here’
‘ok, I’m just asking’
I scurry around clearing the bed where I keep everything for Lucian at night; diapers, wipes, pacifiers, blankets for burping, wash clothes for wiping droll. Rudy finds a place to put his things. We brush by each other in the little hallway. He says, ‘don’t read too much into this’.
I respond assuredly ‘I’m not’
We get in the bed with less awkwardness than one might think. I had been feeding Lucian when he showed up so I needed to finish. Rudy lays down and pretends he’s not looking at me. I always sleep with Lucian in the bed with me. (Maybe not the safest thing, but it’s how he sleeps best, otherwise he just throws up over and over and over. Plus I’m a VERY light sleeper to begin with, so I'm not really worried about it.) I turn out the light and lay down with Lucian on my chest. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Rudy staring at us. I roll over away from him, Lucian in front of me but still facing me. I quietly say ‘come here’. Rudy fidgets a minute. ‘Please?’ ‘hang on a minute’. He spoons us both; his arm around my waist, hand on Lucian’s back. We sleep that way for a few hours.
Then it’s time to feed Lucian again. I feed him and Rudy asks if I’ll put him in the bassinette, he’s having trouble sleeping. I put Lucian in his bed and Rudy scoots close and grabs me. We hold each other the rest of the night. In the morning he gets dressed and I walk him to the door with Lucian in my arms. He kisses Lucian and hugs me; I tell him to have a good day. It was almost like we were a family.
About 5 minutes later there is one loud, strong BANG on my door. It’s done that before and I guess it’s the wind, or some kinds playing games. I get up and look out the peep hole, I don’t see anyone. I slowly open the door and Rudy is standing there leaning on the door frame. My heart is in my throat and my stomach is doing summersaults. This is a glimpse of who he used to be; playful, spontaneous, and almost romantic. He likes to keep me on my toes so I never know what’s coming next. But in a really good way, an exciting, impulsive, sweep you off your feet kind of way.
He stays for a little over an hour. I kissed him on the cheek and snuggled a little bit while he held Lucian. A few hours after he leaves I get a text “kind of disappointing you didn’t do anything”. He means I didn’t kiss him on the mouth. We flirt back and forth about this for a bit. I tell him that I will eventually, maybe before the week is out. And I give him a hard time that he isn’t making any moves. He says it’s because he has ‘restraint’. I tell him that I don’t buy it and he’s just afraid. He says that he’s not afraid but he’s not going to do anything about the fact that he wants to kiss me too. We talk for 2 hours on text messages. By that time I’m in my PJs and sitting in bed feeding Lucian. Here’s how the conversation wrapped up…
I say ‘before the week is over, I’ll kiss you, so long as you come over…but you know this will change things’
‘How’
‘It just will, I don’t know how, kissing someone always changes things….didn’t we sleep together like the day after we kissed for the first time?’
‘Possibly’
‘I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, is certainly wasn’t a bad thing then ;) good lord was it a good thing ;-)’
‘hmm’
‘hmm what?’
‘just hmm’
‘ok then’
‘k?’
‘yeah, ok :) I wish you were here right now, I’d kiss you and hold you’
‘whys that?’
‘Cause I want to, I want to remember how good it felt, kissing you, holding you in bed laying together.’
‘why’
‘why not, it was a really good feeling, and I’ve thought about it for a long time. Do you know how hard it is to sleep alone in the bed where we slept together? Where we made our son….it sucks’
Just then there was a knock at the door…
‘are you here?’
‘yes’
I thought my stomach was doing summersaults before, I surprised I didn’t throw up this time! I open the door and he has a change of clothes in his hands and says…
‘I have to leave by 6:30’
I’m speechless and stammer and stutter trying to piece it all together in my mind.
He says again, ‘I have to leave by 6:30’
‘do you want me to make you a spot on the couch…or did...you want to…sleep… in the bed?’
He says coyly, ‘why do you think I’m here’
‘ok, I’m just asking’
I scurry around clearing the bed where I keep everything for Lucian at night; diapers, wipes, pacifiers, blankets for burping, wash clothes for wiping droll. Rudy finds a place to put his things. We brush by each other in the little hallway. He says, ‘don’t read too much into this’.
I respond assuredly ‘I’m not’
We get in the bed with less awkwardness than one might think. I had been feeding Lucian when he showed up so I needed to finish. Rudy lays down and pretends he’s not looking at me. I always sleep with Lucian in the bed with me. (Maybe not the safest thing, but it’s how he sleeps best, otherwise he just throws up over and over and over. Plus I’m a VERY light sleeper to begin with, so I'm not really worried about it.) I turn out the light and lay down with Lucian on my chest. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Rudy staring at us. I roll over away from him, Lucian in front of me but still facing me. I quietly say ‘come here’. Rudy fidgets a minute. ‘Please?’ ‘hang on a minute’. He spoons us both; his arm around my waist, hand on Lucian’s back. We sleep that way for a few hours.
Then it’s time to feed Lucian again. I feed him and Rudy asks if I’ll put him in the bassinette, he’s having trouble sleeping. I put Lucian in his bed and Rudy scoots close and grabs me. We hold each other the rest of the night. In the morning he gets dressed and I walk him to the door with Lucian in my arms. He kisses Lucian and hugs me; I tell him to have a good day. It was almost like we were a family.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Catching up
Rudy's car broke down about 2 weeks ago. It needs a new engine and he still owes money on it! I like to think that's a little bit of Karma coming back around. So his dad offered to help him get a new car. Well not new but another car. They went out a few days and found something. The day after he bought it, a tire FALLS off of the new car. I think Karma is getting a little out of hand. I mean really give the poor guy a chance to get up before you push him back down at least! Apparently he called his mom crying, hysterical and ready to just give up on life. He really has had a string of bad luck here lately. He had borrowed a car from a friend before he found the car that broke and now had nowhere else to turn. Luckily they were able to return the car and get their money back from the guy that sold it to them. But now he’s back to square one with no car.
I had offered my car to him when his car first broke down. It’s just sitting there and I really only need to go somewhere like once a week. Rudy needs to get to work, how else is he going to help pay for this baby? When his ‘new’ car broke, he asked me how long he could borrow my car. I told him I really didn’t need it until Lucian’s doctor appointment this Wednesday. So last Tuesday he came and got my car. I started getting low on diapers and asked Rudy if he would come by and let me go get some or would he please bring us some. I figured I’d have to go out and get them, but that was fine because it would give me a chance to get out of the house.
He was going to come by on Friday evening. That afternoon I get a text, ‘what kind of diapers do you need?’ Whoa! Wait, what? He’s actually going to bring us diapers! So I tell him and figure that he’ll show up with a 24 pack or something of diapers that will last us 2 or 3 days at best. He shows up with a huge box of diapers, I’m floored. Rudy’s friend Garrett comes with him; which is fine, he is actually a good buffer and I think he’s on my side ;-) We hang out for a while and watch Shrek the third on TV. Rudy is sitting really close to me on the couch even though there is plenty of room. He’s even leaning towards me with Lucian in his arms.
We flirt and pick on each other back and forth. Dawn (Rudy’s mom) had invited me to her house for Thanksgiving and she offered to come pick me up since Rudy has my car. We figured he’d never come pick us up and take us there because he would feel too awkward driving us and showing up together, like a family. I ask Rudy if he is going to his parents for Thanksgiving. “Did you want to go?” He loves to answer a question with a question. I tell him, yes. “I’ll come get you then.” I try not to show my shock and how pleased I am with this response all over my face. I’m sure I fail at this attempt. “I’d like that very much.”
He tells me that he doesn’t want to stay very long though. I had talked to Dawn the day before and she said that I could make the Turkey if I wanted to, because I REALLY do. I make a killer crock pot turkey and kind of wanted to show that off to his family. So I tell Rudy that I’m making the turkey so we might need to be there for a while.
“you’re not making the turkey, I have 23 years of tradition of my mom making the turkey, you’re not going to ruin it.”
“who said I would ruin it, I make a killer crock pot turkey”
“that’s fine, we can have it another time, NOT Thanksgiving. I’m gonna call my mom right now and tell her” the tone of all of this was VERY light and playful.
Rudy says something about how he's crushing all my hopes and dreams. I say, "well it's not the first time". He ignores me and starts talking about traditions again and says something about crushing my hopes and dreams being a new tradition. I say “then you should only do it once a year”. He sheepishly, playfully says “bitch”. So I kiss him. On the check, to ‘make it better’. Apparently this opened the door to all kinds of conversations and to a WHOLE other person. No Rudy has pulled a total 180!
He brought me diapers, took me shopping and offered to take me to see New Moon if I could find a sitter (which is NO problem!). I've no idea what's going on and I'm treading lightly but am VERY excited at the same time! He asked me why I kissed him and we talked about that some, he said that he wanted to kiss me too but that he doesn't want a relationship which to me means that he has feelings for me but is scared and doesn't want to get hurt. I have NO idea what's going on, and I DO realize that things could blow up in my face at ANY minute for ANY reason...but this has to be a good thing! right?
I had offered my car to him when his car first broke down. It’s just sitting there and I really only need to go somewhere like once a week. Rudy needs to get to work, how else is he going to help pay for this baby? When his ‘new’ car broke, he asked me how long he could borrow my car. I told him I really didn’t need it until Lucian’s doctor appointment this Wednesday. So last Tuesday he came and got my car. I started getting low on diapers and asked Rudy if he would come by and let me go get some or would he please bring us some. I figured I’d have to go out and get them, but that was fine because it would give me a chance to get out of the house.
He was going to come by on Friday evening. That afternoon I get a text, ‘what kind of diapers do you need?’ Whoa! Wait, what? He’s actually going to bring us diapers! So I tell him and figure that he’ll show up with a 24 pack or something of diapers that will last us 2 or 3 days at best. He shows up with a huge box of diapers, I’m floored. Rudy’s friend Garrett comes with him; which is fine, he is actually a good buffer and I think he’s on my side ;-) We hang out for a while and watch Shrek the third on TV. Rudy is sitting really close to me on the couch even though there is plenty of room. He’s even leaning towards me with Lucian in his arms.
We flirt and pick on each other back and forth. Dawn (Rudy’s mom) had invited me to her house for Thanksgiving and she offered to come pick me up since Rudy has my car. We figured he’d never come pick us up and take us there because he would feel too awkward driving us and showing up together, like a family. I ask Rudy if he is going to his parents for Thanksgiving. “Did you want to go?” He loves to answer a question with a question. I tell him, yes. “I’ll come get you then.” I try not to show my shock and how pleased I am with this response all over my face. I’m sure I fail at this attempt. “I’d like that very much.”
He tells me that he doesn’t want to stay very long though. I had talked to Dawn the day before and she said that I could make the Turkey if I wanted to, because I REALLY do. I make a killer crock pot turkey and kind of wanted to show that off to his family. So I tell Rudy that I’m making the turkey so we might need to be there for a while.
“you’re not making the turkey, I have 23 years of tradition of my mom making the turkey, you’re not going to ruin it.”
“who said I would ruin it, I make a killer crock pot turkey”
“that’s fine, we can have it another time, NOT Thanksgiving. I’m gonna call my mom right now and tell her” the tone of all of this was VERY light and playful.
Rudy says something about how he's crushing all my hopes and dreams. I say, "well it's not the first time". He ignores me and starts talking about traditions again and says something about crushing my hopes and dreams being a new tradition. I say “then you should only do it once a year”. He sheepishly, playfully says “bitch”. So I kiss him. On the check, to ‘make it better’. Apparently this opened the door to all kinds of conversations and to a WHOLE other person. No Rudy has pulled a total 180!
He brought me diapers, took me shopping and offered to take me to see New Moon if I could find a sitter (which is NO problem!). I've no idea what's going on and I'm treading lightly but am VERY excited at the same time! He asked me why I kissed him and we talked about that some, he said that he wanted to kiss me too but that he doesn't want a relationship which to me means that he has feelings for me but is scared and doesn't want to get hurt. I have NO idea what's going on, and I DO realize that things could blow up in my face at ANY minute for ANY reason...but this has to be a good thing! right?
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Stagnant
Things are starting to get hard. Day is the same as Night and every day is the same and every night is the same...I'm pretty isolated and starting to get depressed cause it's SO lonely. This is week 4, so I guess it makes sense that I'm starting to feel this way by now.
I'm not eating the way I should, you know me. I don't eat that much to start with and when I get going on something I just forget that I need to eat. I probably have 1 good meal a day and some little snacks here and there. But it might be 1 o’clock before I put anything in my mouth. Or I’ll eat at 9 and then not eat another thing until 7 or 8 that night.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being with Lucian but I'm really anxious to get back to work and in a routine. I need human contact! I need something outside these 4 walls. I think it would be easier if there was someone to come home each night... something to look forward to, tell me about their day and take over with Lucian for just a bit so that I don’t have to be ALWAYS on. Are other single mothers THIS single?
Lucian has been very demanding lately. He wants to eat every hour/ hour and a half, day and night. Then he throws up almost every time, several times. So I try to keep him upright to help get burps out. But no matter how long I keep him upright, the minute I lay him down (even just to change his diaper) he throws up; even if he's been upright for an hour and burped several times. I think he's gaining weight pretty well so I try not to worry about it too much. It's just time consuming and feels very defeating when I can't keep him from throwing up. The doctor said it was most likely just because he was so early and his little system is still developing and figuring out how to work.
My mom brought me a 2 page note from the family that took care of me in foster care before they got me. It talks about my personality and behaviors, and a lot about my eyes :-) One of the things in the note talks about how I throw up all the time. It says even when they lay me down to change my diaper to put something under my head, because I will likely throw up. Ha, I’ve waited all my life to have some behavior in common with a blood relative…and the behavior I get is throwing up. Figures! Hahaha I’m hoping he will outgrow this pretty quickly.
Physically I'm still healing. I'm still bleeding like an average to heavy period, my stitches are still pretty sore and I have to spray them with this numbing stuff several times a day. And I don't have any stamina. If I go to meet someone for lunch or run to the store I almost always need a nap when I get home. It's very frustrating because I'm not the type of person to just sit around. And it’s even more frustrating because I have my body back and emotionally I really want to ‘get out there’ and be cute and meet someone just to have fun with and rebound on. And I can’t. I still have no idea what's going on with Rudy...in terms of his involvement with this son and with me. I get such mixed signals for both!
So the one word I would use to describe my life right now is stagnant. And I HATE stagnant! I feel like Blanch from the Golden Girls. She is talking to one of the other girls and is describing how she feels. She says she’s not scared so she wouldn’t call herself ‘yellow’. She’s not sad so she wouldn’t call it ‘blue’. She calls that feeling ‘magenta’ and says “I hate feeling that way and I hate the color magenta!”
I want so badly to move forward, and I can’t yet. Lucian requires so much attention right now that at the end of the day I don’t even feel like I’ve accomplished anything. I’ll get half a load of laundry done, make one meal, get a shower, empty the diapers out of the trash can but not get a new bag in there…everything gets done halfway…and you know that is NOT my personality. I like to do everything over the top! It’s just hard right now…I’m sure it will get better soon. Perhaps I'm supposed to learn patience from this....
I'm not eating the way I should, you know me. I don't eat that much to start with and when I get going on something I just forget that I need to eat. I probably have 1 good meal a day and some little snacks here and there. But it might be 1 o’clock before I put anything in my mouth. Or I’ll eat at 9 and then not eat another thing until 7 or 8 that night.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being with Lucian but I'm really anxious to get back to work and in a routine. I need human contact! I need something outside these 4 walls. I think it would be easier if there was someone to come home each night... something to look forward to, tell me about their day and take over with Lucian for just a bit so that I don’t have to be ALWAYS on. Are other single mothers THIS single?
Lucian has been very demanding lately. He wants to eat every hour/ hour and a half, day and night. Then he throws up almost every time, several times. So I try to keep him upright to help get burps out. But no matter how long I keep him upright, the minute I lay him down (even just to change his diaper) he throws up; even if he's been upright for an hour and burped several times. I think he's gaining weight pretty well so I try not to worry about it too much. It's just time consuming and feels very defeating when I can't keep him from throwing up. The doctor said it was most likely just because he was so early and his little system is still developing and figuring out how to work.
My mom brought me a 2 page note from the family that took care of me in foster care before they got me. It talks about my personality and behaviors, and a lot about my eyes :-) One of the things in the note talks about how I throw up all the time. It says even when they lay me down to change my diaper to put something under my head, because I will likely throw up. Ha, I’ve waited all my life to have some behavior in common with a blood relative…and the behavior I get is throwing up. Figures! Hahaha I’m hoping he will outgrow this pretty quickly.
Physically I'm still healing. I'm still bleeding like an average to heavy period, my stitches are still pretty sore and I have to spray them with this numbing stuff several times a day. And I don't have any stamina. If I go to meet someone for lunch or run to the store I almost always need a nap when I get home. It's very frustrating because I'm not the type of person to just sit around. And it’s even more frustrating because I have my body back and emotionally I really want to ‘get out there’ and be cute and meet someone just to have fun with and rebound on. And I can’t. I still have no idea what's going on with Rudy...in terms of his involvement with this son and with me. I get such mixed signals for both!
So the one word I would use to describe my life right now is stagnant. And I HATE stagnant! I feel like Blanch from the Golden Girls. She is talking to one of the other girls and is describing how she feels. She says she’s not scared so she wouldn’t call herself ‘yellow’. She’s not sad so she wouldn’t call it ‘blue’. She calls that feeling ‘magenta’ and says “I hate feeling that way and I hate the color magenta!”
I want so badly to move forward, and I can’t yet. Lucian requires so much attention right now that at the end of the day I don’t even feel like I’ve accomplished anything. I’ll get half a load of laundry done, make one meal, get a shower, empty the diapers out of the trash can but not get a new bag in there…everything gets done halfway…and you know that is NOT my personality. I like to do everything over the top! It’s just hard right now…I’m sure it will get better soon. Perhaps I'm supposed to learn patience from this....
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Labor Part 2
So then the nurse said it was time to get back into bed and they were going to put the monitors on me for about 20 mins. The monitors go around the outside of my belly and track my contractions and the baby's heart rate. They wanted me to lay back while I was on the monitors. The problem is that when a contraction came I felt the urge in my body to sit up. When I would do this they would lose the baby's heart rate and it looked like he was in trouble when he really might not be. The nurse explained that if I wanted to do this naturally I had to lay back so they could track Lucian's heart rate.
But sitting up was compulsive. I had no control over it, it's just what my body said it needed to do. And contractions were stronger, coming faster and faster and lasting longer. The only comparison I can make for it is this: it's like if your hand was being smashed under something really heavy and you were told that you have to leave it there, while your body is telling you to move it. A nearly impossible task.
It's right about this time that there is a knock on the door. It's Rudy's dad, Bob. He had been in and out, which didn't bother me at all. But this time he wasn't coming in, he just cracked the door and didn't even poke his head in. He stood out of sight, and said that he had Rudy with him. Being delirious and in the middle of labor I intelligently said “Does he want to come in?” No, Taryn, he’s standing outside your door knocking because he doesn’t want to come in.
They come in. Rudy sits on the couch which is horrifically located directly at the foot of my bed. He’s front and center to all of my glory! I have a contraction, it passes. I tell Rudy that I have a birthday present for him in my car and ask him to go get it. I’ve been trying to give this gift to him for weeks. I tell him not to open it until he gets back up here. I have another really strong contraction while he’s gone. By the time he gets back though it’s like nothing’s happened. The contractions are strange that way. When they hit it’s like all hell has broken lose. But once they’re gone it’s as if they were never even there! He opens the gift and gives me a genuine thank you looking in my eyes.
He got there just in time because just after he opened his gift things really started moving. And not in the direction I had hoped. The nurses now tell me that we’re going to have to do internal monitoring. Ok, that doesn’t sound too bad, maybe then I can actually sit up like I want to. I couldn’t have been more wrong. For internal monitoring they have to screw something into Lucian’s head. You read that right, screw something in his head; while he’s still inside me.
So a nurse or doctor or someone comes in and they tell me to lay flat. Lay flat! Not just lay back a little like before, now I have to lay flat! That in itself hurts. So I lay flat. This person then puts her entire arm inside me. She is like a salmon swimming upstream when my body is trying to push everything out! All I could see was her shoulder…I can only guess where the rest of her arm was. I am literally screaming bloody murder, I’ve never heard the sounds that came out of my mouth and I have no idea where they came from. I couldn’t help it. It felt like my body was actually being ripped apart from the inside.
They finish and I recover a bit from the trauma. I am still not allowed to sit up and they tell me to roll over on my side to see if that helps. It doesn’t. I hear the nurses talking; they’ve done something wrong with the monitoring and are going to have to do it AGAIN! I want to scream out “hell no you don’t; you had your chance, and you fucked it up, too bad!” But I’m in too much pain to say or do anything!
They turn me over and back up they go. It was just as bad as the last time.
This whole time Rudy is just sitting at the foot of the bed, just across the room. I’ve got no idea what he’s thinking or how he’s reacting to all of this. I’m quite the spectacle I’m sure.
I say that I feel the need to push. The nurses tell me that I can’t I’m only 7 cm. They check me again and say I’m at 9 now. I tell them that I need to push, they still say that I can’t I’m only at 9. I think in my head “check it again, because I need to push” I’m honestly not sure if I said anything or not. The doctor with the great bedside manner shows up and tells me “hold on I’m gonna go change clothes, you’re only at 9 you can’t push yet” I’m sorry, what?! Hold on? You’re going to change clothes…to what something that matches your eyes better! NO, it’s time to push, I will not hold on!
The next thing I know a nurse has grabbed Rudy and brought him up by my head. I hear him say very quietly “I don’t know what to do” he sounded so small, and helpless. The nurse puts his hand under my head and I start to push.
Pushing was WAY harder than I thought it would be. And it’s ironic. You feel the need to push but when you do it HURTS! I push and push and feel like my legs are going to fall off because I’m breaking my hips in half. I feel a few little pricks and then a pain that I cannot describe because my body didn’t let me feel it, it was so intense. I sit straight up and reach down to push the doctor away from me. She’s cut me before I am numb. I scream “THAT HURT!” Glaring at the doctor. Everyone grabs me and is trying to make me lay back down (why I don’t know, I really would have done so much better if they would let me sit up some! It’s like trying to take a crap laying down!! Who does that?) I’m hysterical and not listening to anyone. They say that I have to push, I just shake my head no. You just cut me! Now you want me to push in the same place you cut me!!! You’ve lost your mind!
The doctor tells me the cord is around Lucian’s neck his heart rate is dropping. He is too small to use the suction cup to get him out, I have to push now. Everyone is yelling at me to push and I think it would just be easier to die. Through it all I hear my name right beside my head. “Taryn!” it was Rudy. Everything else in the room fell away. I only saw his face and heard his voice. He said “You wanted to do this, and you’re gonna do it” He held up his hand for me to take. We held hands and he pulled in close, we looked at each other for a min. I pushed.
After each push I grunted. I’m a very vocal person to start with and this was really strenuous work; it called for some grunting. Not that I could help myself anyway. Lucian’s head was out. They didn’t wait for me to push again, the doctor just pulled him out. I heard it. I don’t remember hearing him cry. I just remember being glad it was over. They held him just over my right thigh and asked Rudy if he wanted to cut the cord. He said “I don’t know what to do”. They showed him. He cut the cord and Lucian was whisked away to the warmer in the corner. I had more work to do.
Now I had to deliver the placenta. No one told me there would be more pushing. So I push and the doctor pulls on the umbilical cord and pushes on my stomach. It was not pleasant. A nurse comes to remove the wires from my inner thigh that were tapped there for Lucians monitoring. She briskly rips them off in one fail swoop. I cry out “Ouch!” “it’s only tape” she tells me. I’m dumbfounded. Yeah it’s only tape that you just ripped from my inner thigh!!! That area is already on high alert!
Next I get stitched up. I’m still not entirely numb and I feel several of the passes of the semi-circle hook of a needle. I exclaim, “ouch!” The ever sensitive doctor says “yeah, I know” I’m not given anymore numbing shots.
Finally I get to see my baby. He has on a tiny little oxygen mask. A nurse is telling me something about his breathing and that he’s going to the NICU. He’s gone before I really even get to see him. Rudy goes to the NICU with Lucian and then comes back a while later to give me an update on how he’s doing and to check on me.
Lucian is off of the oxygen but they have to give him something to help keep his lungs inflated. I ask Rudy, “so what do you think about all of this?” He makes an overwhelmed face.
I say “I know, fucking crazy huh?”
“no one told me it would be that intense” he says
“yeah, no one told me either”
We squeeze hands for a min and just take in the moment. Then he leaves to go back with Lucian.
Two hours after giving birth I walk down the hall to a new clean room. Rudy leaves once I’m settled in the new room. We share a very strong lingering hug.
I’m so tired and all I want is to go see my baby. I know I don’t have the strength to walk down to the NICU and I’m too delirious to think to ask for a wheelchair. I eventually make it down there and get to feed Lucian for the first time. Incredible!
Lucian got to come to the room at about 11 that night. I slept for about an hour that night. Well it was 6 in the morning by the time I finally gave in. I could hardly blink; I didn’t want to take my eyes off him. I couldn’t believe he was there, that he was mine. That I brought him into the world, I created him. He was magnificent, the most amazing thing I’d ever seen.
The next day we had a dozen people come to see us! Five hours of visitors. It was wonderful! The love and support was overwhelming. We are SO lucky!
Rudy came to visit that next day. He sat in a chair staring at Lucian for almost 2 hours. When he left he offered a hug. Again strong and lingering. I asked him while we were hugging "We're really gonna do this huh?" He said "yeah".
Lucian and I both got to come home the next day. I walked in to deliver my baby and I walked out of the hospital 2 days later :-)
But sitting up was compulsive. I had no control over it, it's just what my body said it needed to do. And contractions were stronger, coming faster and faster and lasting longer. The only comparison I can make for it is this: it's like if your hand was being smashed under something really heavy and you were told that you have to leave it there, while your body is telling you to move it. A nearly impossible task.
It's right about this time that there is a knock on the door. It's Rudy's dad, Bob. He had been in and out, which didn't bother me at all. But this time he wasn't coming in, he just cracked the door and didn't even poke his head in. He stood out of sight, and said that he had Rudy with him. Being delirious and in the middle of labor I intelligently said “Does he want to come in?” No, Taryn, he’s standing outside your door knocking because he doesn’t want to come in.
They come in. Rudy sits on the couch which is horrifically located directly at the foot of my bed. He’s front and center to all of my glory! I have a contraction, it passes. I tell Rudy that I have a birthday present for him in my car and ask him to go get it. I’ve been trying to give this gift to him for weeks. I tell him not to open it until he gets back up here. I have another really strong contraction while he’s gone. By the time he gets back though it’s like nothing’s happened. The contractions are strange that way. When they hit it’s like all hell has broken lose. But once they’re gone it’s as if they were never even there! He opens the gift and gives me a genuine thank you looking in my eyes.
He got there just in time because just after he opened his gift things really started moving. And not in the direction I had hoped. The nurses now tell me that we’re going to have to do internal monitoring. Ok, that doesn’t sound too bad, maybe then I can actually sit up like I want to. I couldn’t have been more wrong. For internal monitoring they have to screw something into Lucian’s head. You read that right, screw something in his head; while he’s still inside me.
So a nurse or doctor or someone comes in and they tell me to lay flat. Lay flat! Not just lay back a little like before, now I have to lay flat! That in itself hurts. So I lay flat. This person then puts her entire arm inside me. She is like a salmon swimming upstream when my body is trying to push everything out! All I could see was her shoulder…I can only guess where the rest of her arm was. I am literally screaming bloody murder, I’ve never heard the sounds that came out of my mouth and I have no idea where they came from. I couldn’t help it. It felt like my body was actually being ripped apart from the inside.
They finish and I recover a bit from the trauma. I am still not allowed to sit up and they tell me to roll over on my side to see if that helps. It doesn’t. I hear the nurses talking; they’ve done something wrong with the monitoring and are going to have to do it AGAIN! I want to scream out “hell no you don’t; you had your chance, and you fucked it up, too bad!” But I’m in too much pain to say or do anything!
They turn me over and back up they go. It was just as bad as the last time.
This whole time Rudy is just sitting at the foot of the bed, just across the room. I’ve got no idea what he’s thinking or how he’s reacting to all of this. I’m quite the spectacle I’m sure.
I say that I feel the need to push. The nurses tell me that I can’t I’m only 7 cm. They check me again and say I’m at 9 now. I tell them that I need to push, they still say that I can’t I’m only at 9. I think in my head “check it again, because I need to push” I’m honestly not sure if I said anything or not. The doctor with the great bedside manner shows up and tells me “hold on I’m gonna go change clothes, you’re only at 9 you can’t push yet” I’m sorry, what?! Hold on? You’re going to change clothes…to what something that matches your eyes better! NO, it’s time to push, I will not hold on!
The next thing I know a nurse has grabbed Rudy and brought him up by my head. I hear him say very quietly “I don’t know what to do” he sounded so small, and helpless. The nurse puts his hand under my head and I start to push.
Pushing was WAY harder than I thought it would be. And it’s ironic. You feel the need to push but when you do it HURTS! I push and push and feel like my legs are going to fall off because I’m breaking my hips in half. I feel a few little pricks and then a pain that I cannot describe because my body didn’t let me feel it, it was so intense. I sit straight up and reach down to push the doctor away from me. She’s cut me before I am numb. I scream “THAT HURT!” Glaring at the doctor. Everyone grabs me and is trying to make me lay back down (why I don’t know, I really would have done so much better if they would let me sit up some! It’s like trying to take a crap laying down!! Who does that?) I’m hysterical and not listening to anyone. They say that I have to push, I just shake my head no. You just cut me! Now you want me to push in the same place you cut me!!! You’ve lost your mind!
The doctor tells me the cord is around Lucian’s neck his heart rate is dropping. He is too small to use the suction cup to get him out, I have to push now. Everyone is yelling at me to push and I think it would just be easier to die. Through it all I hear my name right beside my head. “Taryn!” it was Rudy. Everything else in the room fell away. I only saw his face and heard his voice. He said “You wanted to do this, and you’re gonna do it” He held up his hand for me to take. We held hands and he pulled in close, we looked at each other for a min. I pushed.
After each push I grunted. I’m a very vocal person to start with and this was really strenuous work; it called for some grunting. Not that I could help myself anyway. Lucian’s head was out. They didn’t wait for me to push again, the doctor just pulled him out. I heard it. I don’t remember hearing him cry. I just remember being glad it was over. They held him just over my right thigh and asked Rudy if he wanted to cut the cord. He said “I don’t know what to do”. They showed him. He cut the cord and Lucian was whisked away to the warmer in the corner. I had more work to do.
Now I had to deliver the placenta. No one told me there would be more pushing. So I push and the doctor pulls on the umbilical cord and pushes on my stomach. It was not pleasant. A nurse comes to remove the wires from my inner thigh that were tapped there for Lucians monitoring. She briskly rips them off in one fail swoop. I cry out “Ouch!” “it’s only tape” she tells me. I’m dumbfounded. Yeah it’s only tape that you just ripped from my inner thigh!!! That area is already on high alert!
Next I get stitched up. I’m still not entirely numb and I feel several of the passes of the semi-circle hook of a needle. I exclaim, “ouch!” The ever sensitive doctor says “yeah, I know” I’m not given anymore numbing shots.
Finally I get to see my baby. He has on a tiny little oxygen mask. A nurse is telling me something about his breathing and that he’s going to the NICU. He’s gone before I really even get to see him. Rudy goes to the NICU with Lucian and then comes back a while later to give me an update on how he’s doing and to check on me.
Lucian is off of the oxygen but they have to give him something to help keep his lungs inflated. I ask Rudy, “so what do you think about all of this?” He makes an overwhelmed face.
I say “I know, fucking crazy huh?”
“no one told me it would be that intense” he says
“yeah, no one told me either”
We squeeze hands for a min and just take in the moment. Then he leaves to go back with Lucian.
Two hours after giving birth I walk down the hall to a new clean room. Rudy leaves once I’m settled in the new room. We share a very strong lingering hug.
I’m so tired and all I want is to go see my baby. I know I don’t have the strength to walk down to the NICU and I’m too delirious to think to ask for a wheelchair. I eventually make it down there and get to feed Lucian for the first time. Incredible!
Lucian got to come to the room at about 11 that night. I slept for about an hour that night. Well it was 6 in the morning by the time I finally gave in. I could hardly blink; I didn’t want to take my eyes off him. I couldn’t believe he was there, that he was mine. That I brought him into the world, I created him. He was magnificent, the most amazing thing I’d ever seen.
The next day we had a dozen people come to see us! Five hours of visitors. It was wonderful! The love and support was overwhelming. We are SO lucky!
Rudy came to visit that next day. He sat in a chair staring at Lucian for almost 2 hours. When he left he offered a hug. Again strong and lingering. I asked him while we were hugging "We're really gonna do this huh?" He said "yeah".
Lucian and I both got to come home the next day. I walked in to deliver my baby and I walked out of the hospital 2 days later :-)
Monday, November 9, 2009
Unbelievable
Rudy was supposed to come by tonight, for the first time in a week! And literally minutes before I was expecting him he sends a text: 'I have to run a couple errands and I'll have someone with me'
I respond "umm I wish you would have told me all of that sooner, who is with you?'
'Isaac'
I'm thinking who the fuck is Isaac?
I tell Rudy "Lucian is ready to eat, I was holding off so that you could do it, who is that? I'm sure you know I'm upset about this"
"You feed him; I have to run a couple of errands, why"
He really wants to know why I'm upset about this...really?
'Think how you felt when I would just show up at the dojo, it's the same thing only you’re bringing a stranger, uninvited to my home. I have to go ahead and feed Lucian he can't wait anymore and he's awake, probably be asleep by the time you get here"
"Oh anybody that you know can meet Lucian but someone that I want to meet him can't fuck that shit."
"Whatever...you know actually I'm not comfortable with this, you'll have to come another time, this is not fair of you, this is MY home, and when you decide to be truly involved then you can have a say too, you can't just spring shit on me"
"He’s my son too damn it"
"Then ACT like it!!! You've done NOTHING for him!"
"And so you know Isaac was there when he was born he has been my best support'
"That’s great, I have no idea who he is, and you cannot just invite people to MY house'
'Please change your attitude'
'Change your behavior, show me some respect...what I've been doing is NOT easy, and deserves some respect, you don't get to just pop in whenever it suits you with whomever you want'
'You have no idea what I've been doing so please let's stop before it gets worse'
'I'm sorry my mind is made, I'm not ok with this, I'm not saying you can't have people meet Lucian, you just need to give me some notice, this is still my home and I have a right to say who can be here'
'And I'm not coming over now cause of your reactions'
"haha no you’re not coming over because I told you that you couldn't, but ok'
'Damn you look at what you've been saying and truthfully tell me you're not being a bitch, don't text me'
"you’re the one missing out then, I have just finally decided to stop letting you shit on me, I'm setting up some expectations, you decide if you can meet them....I have been your doormat long enough, my patience has run out'
'I'm not shitting on you and please listen I said don't text me...oh god you're ridiculous'
'How is that?'
'right now it's were not having a conversation, I'm really upset and were not going to talk for 2 days, or at least I'm not responding'
"I’m really sorry to hear that, I wish that it surprised me that you can't talk about things, I'm very disappointed and sad for Lucian, it’s a shame'
'I can talk, but it's better to talk when calm and I'm far from calm'
"btw I was making you dinner and I got you disaronno, but you're right I'm a total bitch, thoughtless'
Ok so I might not have handled things the best, but the basic idea of what I was saying doesn’t change...and I stand by that. I'm so tired of just taking his shit and keeping my mouth shut! Enough already! Time to step up and be a father, not just a sperm donor!
He can't just invite strangers to my house and then not understanding why that upsets me...it's really not unreasonable of me. he’s been by twice in 2 weeks for about an hour and a half each time...not exactly father of the year. And it's almost always a last min thing, and then he just up and leaves all of a sudden.
Then he says that I’m being a bitch b/c I don’t' want strangers in my house when I didn't even know they were coming over until like 10 mins before hand. I'm so tired of trying to make things work with him when he won't even meet me a tenth of the way there. He's been so rude just flitting in and out whenever it suits him, acting like this is someone else's kid he's just going to visit...he's taken NO responsibility. Then he says that he's not coming over...like him coming over is doing ME a favor. ugh
I've been seeing a therapists and he has been encouraging me to set expectations and boundaries. So I’m trying to do that...I can only change myself and my behavior
I respond "umm I wish you would have told me all of that sooner, who is with you?'
'Isaac'
I'm thinking who the fuck is Isaac?
I tell Rudy "Lucian is ready to eat, I was holding off so that you could do it, who is that? I'm sure you know I'm upset about this"
"You feed him; I have to run a couple of errands, why"
He really wants to know why I'm upset about this...really?
'Think how you felt when I would just show up at the dojo, it's the same thing only you’re bringing a stranger, uninvited to my home. I have to go ahead and feed Lucian he can't wait anymore and he's awake, probably be asleep by the time you get here"
"Oh anybody that you know can meet Lucian but someone that I want to meet him can't fuck that shit."
"Whatever...you know actually I'm not comfortable with this, you'll have to come another time, this is not fair of you, this is MY home, and when you decide to be truly involved then you can have a say too, you can't just spring shit on me"
"He’s my son too damn it"
"Then ACT like it!!! You've done NOTHING for him!"
"And so you know Isaac was there when he was born he has been my best support'
"That’s great, I have no idea who he is, and you cannot just invite people to MY house'
'Please change your attitude'
'Change your behavior, show me some respect...what I've been doing is NOT easy, and deserves some respect, you don't get to just pop in whenever it suits you with whomever you want'
'You have no idea what I've been doing so please let's stop before it gets worse'
'I'm sorry my mind is made, I'm not ok with this, I'm not saying you can't have people meet Lucian, you just need to give me some notice, this is still my home and I have a right to say who can be here'
'And I'm not coming over now cause of your reactions'
"haha no you’re not coming over because I told you that you couldn't, but ok'
'Damn you look at what you've been saying and truthfully tell me you're not being a bitch, don't text me'
"you’re the one missing out then, I have just finally decided to stop letting you shit on me, I'm setting up some expectations, you decide if you can meet them....I have been your doormat long enough, my patience has run out'
'I'm not shitting on you and please listen I said don't text me...oh god you're ridiculous'
'How is that?'
'right now it's were not having a conversation, I'm really upset and were not going to talk for 2 days, or at least I'm not responding'
"I’m really sorry to hear that, I wish that it surprised me that you can't talk about things, I'm very disappointed and sad for Lucian, it’s a shame'
'I can talk, but it's better to talk when calm and I'm far from calm'
"btw I was making you dinner and I got you disaronno, but you're right I'm a total bitch, thoughtless'
Ok so I might not have handled things the best, but the basic idea of what I was saying doesn’t change...and I stand by that. I'm so tired of just taking his shit and keeping my mouth shut! Enough already! Time to step up and be a father, not just a sperm donor!
He can't just invite strangers to my house and then not understanding why that upsets me...it's really not unreasonable of me. he’s been by twice in 2 weeks for about an hour and a half each time...not exactly father of the year. And it's almost always a last min thing, and then he just up and leaves all of a sudden.
Then he says that I’m being a bitch b/c I don’t' want strangers in my house when I didn't even know they were coming over until like 10 mins before hand. I'm so tired of trying to make things work with him when he won't even meet me a tenth of the way there. He's been so rude just flitting in and out whenever it suits him, acting like this is someone else's kid he's just going to visit...he's taken NO responsibility. Then he says that he's not coming over...like him coming over is doing ME a favor. ugh
I've been seeing a therapists and he has been encouraging me to set expectations and boundaries. So I’m trying to do that...I can only change myself and my behavior
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Labor Part 1
My little boy, Lucian Alexander Trenconsky came on Sunday, October 25, 2009, 5 weeks early. He weighed 5 lbs 15 oz, and was 18.5 inches long.
After having cramps throughout the night I woke up with some spotting so I checked the what to expect book to see what was going on. It sounded like a bloody show, and the book said that baby would be here usually within 24 to 48 hours. So I called Dawn, Rudy’s mom and my coach. I told her what was going on and said that we should get our bags ready. Dawn said that I probably shouldn’t go to work the next day and that she would come stay with me that night incase anything happened. While we were on the phone I sat down at the computer. When I stood up there was a gush of water, I ran to the bathroom. I said ‘Umm, uhh, I’m wet. Really really wet.’
Dawn said “your water broke”
“uh huh” it was about 9:30am. She said she was on her way and we were going to the hospital. I asked her to call Rudy and let him know (I still didn’t have his phone number). But I still wasn’t having any contractions and really not even cramps. I ran around the apartment getting things together to take to the hospital. I figured I had a lot of time, it was 5 weeks early, no cramps or contractions…this might not happen for a day or so still yet. I called my parents to let them know what was going on. They were shocked to say the least! I told them I would call again later to let them know how things were going.
Dawn and Bab get to the apartment and we cart all of our stuff out to the cars and head to the hospital. The hospital is literally a 1 min drive and we got to there just after 11:00. By this time I was having contractions that were strong enough to make you stop walking and bend over. But I could still talk through them and they didn’t last very long or come very often. We get checked in and settled in our room. The room is HUGE and beautiful! Parker Adventist Hospital is fairly new and really nice. It has a warm, homey feeling and every room is private. The rooms are also equipped to have labor delivery and recovery all in the same place. Baby is supposed to be able to stay with you for everything once he’s born. They will give his first bath and check up in the room right there with you.
I get into my hospital gown and hooked up to monitors to track my contractions and the baby’s heartbeat. We sit for a while and the contractions start to get stronger. I take this opportunity to call mom and dad and let them know I’ve been checked in to the hospital and that the nurses say baby will be here by about dinner time tonight. The nurse comes back and says that they are gonna take me off the monitors and I can walk around and get into whatever positions I want to be comfortable. Dawn and I had just had our birthing class on the positions that might be comfortable during labor on Thursday. They will put me on the monitor for about 20 mins every hour. She suggests I try to go to the bathroom. So I get up and head to the bathroom, when I stand back up a big contraction hits and all I can say is ‘floor!’ I get down on my hands and knees in the bathroom and hee hee whoo my way through the biggest contraction so far. It ends and I stand back up to head towards the bed. I take one step and another contraction hits, just as strong. I get back down on the ground and Dawn presses on my lower back to offer some counter pressure…it felt GREAT!! The contraction ends and almost immediately another one starts. I can’t get up. Just about now the Dr comes in to introduce herself. My doctor, whom I LOVE, is of course on vacation. Ok so paint the picture: I’m on my hands and knees in the bathroom, hee hee whoing and she is introducing herself standing outside the bathroom. She says I’m Dr so and so, I’ll be delivering the baby today….whawn whawn whawn I have NO idea what she is saying. All I know is that she is NOT saying: how’s your pain level, how far apart are the contractions, what kind of pain management did you want, do you need any help. We’re off to a great start she and I.
So Dawn gets a big mat to put on the floor in the room and a birthing ball for me to sit on. I literally crawl out of the bathroom to the ball and throw my upper body over it. We finally get me up on the ball sitting; it felt AMAZING! Dawn kneels in front of me and we wrap our arms around each other, my head on her shoulder. The nurses come back in and check the print out from the monitor…from about 45 mins ago. She says “Well Taryn, it looks like your contractions are coming about every 2 mins and lasting about 45 seconds.” Dawn tells them, “No, they are lasting about 2 mins and coming every 30 seconds…that read out is from an hour ago, we’ve moved on” haha! I was progressing SO quickly. But Dawn and I were a great team, we were managing the pain and working our way through it. I still felt really good at this point about not having any pain management and doing it all naturally.
After having cramps throughout the night I woke up with some spotting so I checked the what to expect book to see what was going on. It sounded like a bloody show, and the book said that baby would be here usually within 24 to 48 hours. So I called Dawn, Rudy’s mom and my coach. I told her what was going on and said that we should get our bags ready. Dawn said that I probably shouldn’t go to work the next day and that she would come stay with me that night incase anything happened. While we were on the phone I sat down at the computer. When I stood up there was a gush of water, I ran to the bathroom. I said ‘Umm, uhh, I’m wet. Really really wet.’
Dawn said “your water broke”
“uh huh” it was about 9:30am. She said she was on her way and we were going to the hospital. I asked her to call Rudy and let him know (I still didn’t have his phone number). But I still wasn’t having any contractions and really not even cramps. I ran around the apartment getting things together to take to the hospital. I figured I had a lot of time, it was 5 weeks early, no cramps or contractions…this might not happen for a day or so still yet. I called my parents to let them know what was going on. They were shocked to say the least! I told them I would call again later to let them know how things were going.
Dawn and Bab get to the apartment and we cart all of our stuff out to the cars and head to the hospital. The hospital is literally a 1 min drive and we got to there just after 11:00. By this time I was having contractions that were strong enough to make you stop walking and bend over. But I could still talk through them and they didn’t last very long or come very often. We get checked in and settled in our room. The room is HUGE and beautiful! Parker Adventist Hospital is fairly new and really nice. It has a warm, homey feeling and every room is private. The rooms are also equipped to have labor delivery and recovery all in the same place. Baby is supposed to be able to stay with you for everything once he’s born. They will give his first bath and check up in the room right there with you.
I get into my hospital gown and hooked up to monitors to track my contractions and the baby’s heartbeat. We sit for a while and the contractions start to get stronger. I take this opportunity to call mom and dad and let them know I’ve been checked in to the hospital and that the nurses say baby will be here by about dinner time tonight. The nurse comes back and says that they are gonna take me off the monitors and I can walk around and get into whatever positions I want to be comfortable. Dawn and I had just had our birthing class on the positions that might be comfortable during labor on Thursday. They will put me on the monitor for about 20 mins every hour. She suggests I try to go to the bathroom. So I get up and head to the bathroom, when I stand back up a big contraction hits and all I can say is ‘floor!’ I get down on my hands and knees in the bathroom and hee hee whoo my way through the biggest contraction so far. It ends and I stand back up to head towards the bed. I take one step and another contraction hits, just as strong. I get back down on the ground and Dawn presses on my lower back to offer some counter pressure…it felt GREAT!! The contraction ends and almost immediately another one starts. I can’t get up. Just about now the Dr comes in to introduce herself. My doctor, whom I LOVE, is of course on vacation. Ok so paint the picture: I’m on my hands and knees in the bathroom, hee hee whoing and she is introducing herself standing outside the bathroom. She says I’m Dr so and so, I’ll be delivering the baby today….whawn whawn whawn I have NO idea what she is saying. All I know is that she is NOT saying: how’s your pain level, how far apart are the contractions, what kind of pain management did you want, do you need any help. We’re off to a great start she and I.
So Dawn gets a big mat to put on the floor in the room and a birthing ball for me to sit on. I literally crawl out of the bathroom to the ball and throw my upper body over it. We finally get me up on the ball sitting; it felt AMAZING! Dawn kneels in front of me and we wrap our arms around each other, my head on her shoulder. The nurses come back in and check the print out from the monitor…from about 45 mins ago. She says “Well Taryn, it looks like your contractions are coming about every 2 mins and lasting about 45 seconds.” Dawn tells them, “No, they are lasting about 2 mins and coming every 30 seconds…that read out is from an hour ago, we’ve moved on” haha! I was progressing SO quickly. But Dawn and I were a great team, we were managing the pain and working our way through it. I still felt really good at this point about not having any pain management and doing it all naturally.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Ironic
My sister thought that this would be a good time to 'work on our relationship'. Ya know, cause I don't really have anything else going on, and I have the energy and emotional stamina to deal with this right now… We have never gotten along very well and we almost never see things eye to eye. I’ve come to a place of acceptance around this idea; we will never have a sisterly relationship. She will never be able to give me what I think a sister should be; especially an older sister. We can be cordial and surface in dealing with each other. Keep in touch and up-to-date about each other’s lives. But when I have a bad day or a big decision to make, talking to Stacy about it will never be something that comes to mind as a possible fix. I truly believe that she is incapable of seeing things from any perspective other than her own. This is true so much so that she doesn’t even realize there is any other perspective; she doesn’t see what she is missing. She doesn’t think she is selfish because she can’t see anything other than herself. Bear with me, I’ve got to give a little background before I get to what happened last night/today. And I like to just copy and paste emails because it’s so much easier than me trying to rehash it in new words.
Back in May I scanned and emailed out the first ultrasound pics of Lucian! I was SO excited and couldn’t wait to share them with everyone! Here is what I said:
Hello everyone!
We had the first ultrasound today and here are the pics of baby! The baby was moving all around, the doctor said baby was dancing. I don't think baby was still for more than 3 seconds at a time.
Hope all is well! Lots of love to you all!
Taryn
How would you expect a sister to respond to this? Lots of well wishes, congratulations, and questions about how you’re feeling? Here is how Stacy responded:
Taryn,
You had made a comment a few months ago about how you wanted to name your child Avie if you had a girl. I didn't say anything at the time because It wasn't something that I needed to mention. It didn't seem that this was an issue, as you weren't having a baby anytime soon. Now that you are pregnant and though you don't know if you are having a girl yet I just wanted to let you know how much it would and did hurt me at the time to know that you would take my name for your child. I have waited my whole life to give my special name to my special little girl. I would hope that the comment you made about taking my name was just that. I have hoped and waited as long as I have dreamed about having a little girl that I could name her after me. My name is one of the great things that I have always wanted to pass to my baby girl. It is a total sign of my love for her being passed on. It is so much more than just a name to me. I just wanted to talk to you about this. It is VERY important to me for you to know how strongly I feel about this. Being that we are both adopted I think that you understand how important it is to have that special child of your own. That one person in the world that you know is your blood. A child you can look to and see yourself in them. And naming them after you is just a further affirmation of that love. If you want to talk about this I would be glad to, please call
Unreal. Talk about hurtful and selfish; she didn’t even mention the ultrasound pics. All she did was talk about herself, and tell me what I can’t do. Hmmmm. I responded very directly and honestly but probably out of too much hurt as well.
That’s fine Stacy. It’s funny to me that you NEVER mentioned naming your child that until Rylen was born. And that I had talked about it back when Stephen and I got pregnant, 5 yrs ago. I wanted to give the baby a family name, and I know how important that name was to Mom. But whatever. That's fine. I think it's probably better that I name my baby something else anyways. Rudy and I already have our names picked out. So don't worry. Thanks for asking if we had names picked out and what they were before sending this hurtful email. And couldn't you have waited until we know the sex of the baby to bring this up? It might not even be a girl, then you brought this up for nothing.
Thanks for responding to my last email also. I reached out to you and you said nothing and did nothing. Now you send me this email...now think about why I feel the way I do about our relationship. So not only do you not respond to me when I try to reach out to you, but then I reach out again and send you the first pictures of my baby and you don't even mention them! But instead talk about yourself and how I can't name my baby what you want to name your baby. That's pretty selfish Stacy. Do you see why I said that it wasn't just kid stuff and that you still hurt me now that we're adults? If you want to have a relationship with me, try thinking about other people's feelings some of the time.
I am really hurt by your email and I am very frustrated that you continue to think of yourself first and expect me to want a relationship with you. I don't know what to do anymore Stacy.
Taryn,
My email was not intended to upset you or to seem selfish. I just wanted to let you know how I feel and have always felt about naming my child after me, should I be fortunate enough to have a little girl. It has always been my dream since I was a child to have a little girl named Avie. That is my legacy to her. My love and my name is what I wish to pass on. I just wanted you to know how I felt.
Then the next day out of no where Stacy sends this:
Congratulations! The pictures are great. Thanks for sharing. This is an exciting time. Enjoy it.
Love,
Stacy, Mike and Rylen
Like the other email has never been sent, like some sort of unspoken 'do over'. After not talking to her for a while things move along cautiously.
July 23, 2009
Stacy,
Sorry that we haven't been able to connect on the phone. Things are so crazy right now with mom and dad coming out and trying to find another job. I've been so tired at the end of the day that I can barely make myself anything to eat. I've been feeling really down and don't much feel like talking to anyone.
Thank you for reaching out to me. I just need to be alone right now.
Taryn
July 24, 2009
I am sorry that you are feeling down. Just keep your spirits up and stay healthy. You aren't alone. You have your little one to care for and think about. (Trust me.. it will be a long time before you get a moment alone again)
Have fun with Mom and Dad.
Call me when you feel like talking.
Love, Stacy
Over the next months I occasionally reach out a few different ways on Facebook; post things on her wall, comment on things Stacy’s posts about Rylen, and even sent her an IM. The response I got sends me the message that she is not interested in talking to me. So I abandon all efforts and decide that I’ve finally had enough; I’ve got WAY too much on my plate right now to deal with this anyways. Then I get an email…
October 7, 2009
Hey Taryn,
It is getting close to baby day! I bet you are getting excited! I haven't heard from you in a while and have been respecting your wishes and not calling. How are you feeling? are you nervous or had any time to think about the delivery?? Well I would be happy to talk if you want to. Also, I have a lot of baby things (obviously-lol) and am wondering if you need anything? So please let me know what I can do. I hope to hear from you soon.Love, Stacy
October 11, 2009
Stacy,
Thanks for the note. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. Things have been crazy. I had divorce court on Friday and a Dr appt. Then I got sick this weekend and I've got a really big week coming up so I've been resting.
I'm not sure what you mean about respecting my wishes and not contacting me. I've tried to reach out to you a few times through facebook and you didn't really seem interested in talking with me.
But, I'm starting to get very excited. I have 2 classes this week, breast feeding and my first birthing class. I'm pretty well set with baby stuff and I have 2 showers coming up in the next few weeks. Thanks for the offer though.
Hope things are going well for you...I'm sure you're gearing up for Rylen's first birthday! I can't believe he's already a year old!! But at the same time it feels like forever ago that I came down to see you when he was born.
Thanks again for the note, talk to ya later
Taryn
October 14, 2009
Taryn,
I am glad that you are set with baby things. That must be a relief. What I was referring to was your last email to me asking to leave you alone. So I took that as you wanted to be left alone. So that is what I did. The reason I was a little put off was because you seem to talk to everyone but me and tell me that you need to be alone. It just is upsetting. For a while I called and called and you would talk to others but not me. And the "book" that you posted on your blog.. while I am sorry that you feel that I wasn't there for you.. I can remember many times that I was there for you and as I said before we were sisters and sisters go back and forth with each other that is just the way it is. And all that was when we were children. But in the book you continued to trash me.. I would never do that to you. And then send it to all our family and friends. Why would you do that? How hurtful. As I remember You were not always an angel to me.. It is just not right of you to drag my name through the mud. I am sorry for what you feel happened to you but don't blame me. If you would talk to me about things instead of trash me and the family on a blog that might work out a lot better for you. How can your family be supportive of you if you don't tell us what is going on? but ,,that is all in past now we are adults having our own families and i just thought that maybe at some point you would realize that we are your family and no matter how far geographically and emotionally you try to be from us you should realize that we are still your family. Can't we just have some sort of a relationship? This not talking and writing rude things about me is just childish. I want to move on. I want a sister in my life, I want that for my family and my son. I would imagine that you would want the same for yours. It is just upsetting to me to see families that I know all getting together and having fun and you never want to just drop the walls down and let your family know what is really going on and let us be there for you. It doesn't have to be this way. I just feel like our relationship is such a missed opportunity. I just have to say all of this to get it out there. In my opinion there won't ever be a right time and I have been biting my tongue for years now wanting to tell you how much I would like to know the real you, .. There has been times that you have actually had conversations with me but then when I think we are making progress and getting closer you put the walls right back up. I guess what I am saying that I am not going to hurt you.. I have been trying and offering to help.. to listen basically to do anything.. for a while now. I thought for sure that this time... us having so much in common in our lives right now.. this time would be the one you would be receptive.. but again nothing. I am not blaming or trying to argue with you anymore I am just wanting you to know I am tired of being like this and if we can move on and have an "actual" relationship I am game for it. I am just exhausted of the drama. Lets forget what has happened in the past both what you have done to me and what you perceive I have done to you. Let me know what you think. I hope we can move on for us, for our parents and especially so that our sons can know each other. Please take this email with the thought that it was intended. I just need to get it off my chest and I care SO much for you Taryn I just really would like to have you back in my life. I hope you feel the same. I would love to talk to you on the phone if you have the time please call. Love Stacy
We obviously have very different perspectives on how things have gone in the past. And I don’t think that you really understand where I am coming from at all. What you’ve said is in blue, my response or thoughts follow.
The first impression that I get from reading your email, is that it’s all about you. My book/blog was written for me, about me and my life from my perspective. It’s not about you, or trying to ‘drag your name through the mud’, or ‘trashing’ you. My perspective of things when we were kids is that you were very hurtful and mean to me on a consistent basis. Not ‘sisters going back and forth’. I can understand if that’s not how you remember things, and I have no doubt that I also did hurtful things to you as a kid. However, this is not something that is exclusive to my childhood. To this day, you hurt me and come across as always only thinking of yourself. I have several recent examples of this but don’t see the point in rehashing things that have gone by. You will never see my perspective, and I don’t think you will ever change this part of you.
Comments like ‘I am sorry for what you feel happened to you but don't blame me’ are not only hurtful and selfish but also discount what ACTUALLY happened to me, rather than what I ‘feel’ happened to me. This does not make me what to talk to you or open up to you. This does not help me to build trust in you to take my ‘walls’ down.
And comments like ‘If you would talk to me about things instead of trash me and the family on a blog that might work out a lot better for you.’ Do NOT make me want to talk to you; they effectively shut me down and close me off from you. This is a bitchy comment and does not help any situation. And what exactly might work out better for me? Talking to you openly is going to bring my baby’s father back into his life? It will make me not be a single mother? It will put money in my pocket for rent? It will make things so that I don’t have to work full time to just scrap by and support myself and my son? I don’t think so.
‘Can't we just have some sort of a relationship?’ I am not sure if we can have any sort of relationship, Stacy. I am honestly tired of trying, tired of being hurt, and tired of having to translate everything you say to not be selfish. And right now (if you would stop being selfish for ONE minute) I have more pressing things going on in my life than rehashing something that has not changed with you. Right now my baby needs a Father not an Aunt; and so that is where any extra energy and attention is going. I talk to other people and not you because you require too much energy and emotional control that I cannot afford right now. Right now I need to be selfish and do what is best for me alone. It was made very clear to me at a young age that I am the only person I can trust and count on. That idea is not going to change anytime soon. If other people come through and help me out, that’s just gravy; it cannot be counted on or expected.
‘This not talking and writing rude things about me is just childish. I want to move on. I want a sister in my life’. I wrote most of my book/blog a few YEARS ago, so it has NOTHING to do with what’s going on between us now! And again it’s not all about you. I didn’t write those things for you, to hurt you, or have ANY effect on you what so ever. Also it’s not like I’m ignoring you or not responding when you send me a message, so I’m not sure exactly how I’m being childish. And I can’t help but notice that you said you want A sister in your life, not ‘I want MY sister in my life’.
‘It is just upsetting to me to see families that I know all getting together and having fun and you never want to just drop the walls down and let your family know what is really going on and let us be there for you.’ The words you use here ‘never want to just drop the walls’ make it seem like I’ve not tried, or that this is something that could easily be done and I’m just choosing not to do it. I have tried over and over but you don’t know how to be there for me, you only hurt me. You have shown me this over and over again. Example: Even though my plate is OVERFLOWING with responsibilities and stress and emotions right now (most of which you will NEVER come close to understanding or appreciating), I reached out to you and commented on your video of Rylen walking and even sent you an IM. You gave me very short responses and made it clear you didn’t want to talk. If you care SO much about me, you could have asked me how I was, how my new job was going, how I was feeling, if I had heard anything from Rudy. But you asked me nothing; sending me the message that you’re not interested in me or my life. And don’t say that you thought I wanted to be left alone. People that want to be left alone don’t reach out to talk to you, so that excuse is BS.
‘There has been times that you have actually had conversations with me but then when I think we are making progress and getting closer you put the walls right back up. I guess what I am saying that I am not going to hurt you’ I don’t believe you won’t hurt me. In fact, I’m almost positive that you will hurt me because you always do and you have shown me no evidence you have changed. Those walls go right back up because you’ve done something to hurt me or show me that you have not changed or grown since the last time I let my walls down and gave you a chance. Eventually the walls just stop coming down. I give more opportunities than most people would. This is evident in my relationships with Stephen, Jason, Rudy, and you.
‘I have been trying and offering to help.. to listen basically to do anything.. for a while now. I thought for sure that this time... us having so much in common in our lives right now.. this time would be the one you would be receptive.. but again nothing.’ I don’t perceive you as trying to help or as listening, I perceive you as trying to tell me what to do (from your prospective, with your values, with your goals, as if I were you) and telling me what you think I’ve done wrong. I cannot think of a single conversation where you have truly listened to me and been supportive of me. I don’t think you really know what it means to do those things. That’s not meant as a cut, I just honestly don’t think you know how. We have NOTHING in common in our lives right now. Are you worried about how you will pay your bills? Are you in the middle of a divorce? Are you waiting for the phone call that says your soon-to-be ex has finally gone all the way and killed himself? Are you unsure if the father of your baby will just randomly show up while you’re giving birth after you haven’t seen or talked to him in months? Are you preparing to be a single mother? Are you wondering how you’re going to cope with giving your child over to an almost stranger when he’s just 6 WEEKS old? Or what you’ll do for healthcare for you and your child once he’s born? NO! You are able to stay home with your son. Your baby’s father was there with you throughout your pregnancy, you didn’t worry if he was going to be in your son’s life or not. Your healthcare is guaranteed and free. So tell me what we have in common right now? Just because we’re both going to be moms? Our lives are like night and day! This is a perfect example of how you don’t see things from my perspective at all.
‘I am not blaming or trying to argue with you anymore I am just wanting you to know I am tired of being like this and if we can move on and have an "actual" relationship I am game for it. I am just exhausted of the drama. Let’s forget what has happened in the past both what you have done to me and what you perceive I have done to you.’ It’s interesting to me that you say what I ‘have done’ to you but it’s what I ‘perceive’ you have done to me. You say that you’re not blaming, but you certainly aren’t accepting any responsibility either.
Let me know what you think. I hope we can move on for us, for our parents and especially so that our sons can know each other. Please take this email with the thought that it was intended. I just need to get it off my chest and I care SO much for you Taryn I just really would like to have you back in my life. I hope you feel the same. I would love to talk to you on the phone if you have the time please call. Move on to what? This email, and our most recent interactions (going back to your reaction when I first told you I was pregnant, your email after the first ultrasound pictures I sent out, and our conversation on facebook) all show me that nothing has changed. You are still the same person that you have always been. So I’m not sure how to move forward from something that isn’t changed. More of the same, more opportunities for me to be hurt, is not what I want. And honestly it’s not something I can afford right now. If you had changed, and were able to see things from my perspective alone, you would know this. This email is not supporting me; it’s not about me at all. The point of your email is exactly what you said ‘I just need to get it off my chest’. It was for you, to make you feel better. I can understand that; I just don’t have the energy to help you with it. I’m sorry.
This morning at 6:50AM my phone rings. I thought it was my alarm going off again and just turned it off. But I look at the phone and see that it was a call from Stacy’s phone. Right, because that’s how you prove that you’re not selfish; call someone at the butt crack of dawn when you know that they will be getting ready for work and NOT be able to talk to you, leave them a message to start their day with emotional things to think about all day long at work. I’m about to get in the shower 10 minutes later or so and the phone rings again; it’s Stacy, again. I don’t answer, because I don’t have time to talk, I’ve got to get ready for work. She leaves another message.
Once I get in the car and am on my way to work I check the messages. The first is actually from Mike, her husband. He goes on and on about how he wants to talk to me because this is affecting him and his family and he’s tired of the drama. He ends this uncouth, out of line message by saying “call me back when you get this, if you’re not a coward”. Really? Wow, umm name calling didn’t go over so well with me in 3rd grade, and it goes over even worse now that I’m an adult.
The second was Stacy and she went on and on so much that the message actually got cut off. She said to me that I’m dissecting her words but the jest of what she was saying is that she wants me in her life. She said that she hopes I’ll realize that life is short and this is stupid. Everyone has struggles, and by far her life isn’t perfect…we all have great things and we all have bad things but if we can just get over it and realize that our family is important, she tells me. Then she talks about how great she is; she has people in her life that have done horrible things to her but she was able to forgive them and move on. This is all a missed opportunity that we haven’t been close up to this point in our lives. And my favorite part of the message is when she said ‘I hope you can just realize you’ve done things to me in the past and upset me but I’m over it, let’s get over it and move on’.
This message struck me as callus, selfish, and self motivated. This was not about me, it was not for me; it was about Stacy and for Stacy. I think the biggest disconnect that we have is that I don’t see her as family. Stacy brings no value to my life; she does not enrich my life, she takes away from it. A sister is defined as either a female having the same parents as another or one parent in common with another; or a girl or woman who shares a common ancestry, allegiance, character, or purpose with another or others. We have none of these. She is not my blood and we have no relationship to speak of. What then makes her my family?
So I find myself on the other side of the coin. I don’t want to talk to her and really want nothing to do with her, but she won’t leave me alone and I presume is somewhat confused about what’s happened. She only wants to work things out and make things better; I don’t feel like dealing with her anymore. And I imagine this is how Rudy is feeling about me. Ironic...
Back in May I scanned and emailed out the first ultrasound pics of Lucian! I was SO excited and couldn’t wait to share them with everyone! Here is what I said:
Hello everyone!
We had the first ultrasound today and here are the pics of baby! The baby was moving all around, the doctor said baby was dancing. I don't think baby was still for more than 3 seconds at a time.
Hope all is well! Lots of love to you all!
Taryn
How would you expect a sister to respond to this? Lots of well wishes, congratulations, and questions about how you’re feeling? Here is how Stacy responded:
Taryn,
You had made a comment a few months ago about how you wanted to name your child Avie if you had a girl. I didn't say anything at the time because It wasn't something that I needed to mention. It didn't seem that this was an issue, as you weren't having a baby anytime soon. Now that you are pregnant and though you don't know if you are having a girl yet I just wanted to let you know how much it would and did hurt me at the time to know that you would take my name for your child. I have waited my whole life to give my special name to my special little girl. I would hope that the comment you made about taking my name was just that. I have hoped and waited as long as I have dreamed about having a little girl that I could name her after me. My name is one of the great things that I have always wanted to pass to my baby girl. It is a total sign of my love for her being passed on. It is so much more than just a name to me. I just wanted to talk to you about this. It is VERY important to me for you to know how strongly I feel about this. Being that we are both adopted I think that you understand how important it is to have that special child of your own. That one person in the world that you know is your blood. A child you can look to and see yourself in them. And naming them after you is just a further affirmation of that love. If you want to talk about this I would be glad to, please call
Unreal. Talk about hurtful and selfish; she didn’t even mention the ultrasound pics. All she did was talk about herself, and tell me what I can’t do. Hmmmm. I responded very directly and honestly but probably out of too much hurt as well.
That’s fine Stacy. It’s funny to me that you NEVER mentioned naming your child that until Rylen was born. And that I had talked about it back when Stephen and I got pregnant, 5 yrs ago. I wanted to give the baby a family name, and I know how important that name was to Mom. But whatever. That's fine. I think it's probably better that I name my baby something else anyways. Rudy and I already have our names picked out. So don't worry. Thanks for asking if we had names picked out and what they were before sending this hurtful email. And couldn't you have waited until we know the sex of the baby to bring this up? It might not even be a girl, then you brought this up for nothing.
Thanks for responding to my last email also. I reached out to you and you said nothing and did nothing. Now you send me this email...now think about why I feel the way I do about our relationship. So not only do you not respond to me when I try to reach out to you, but then I reach out again and send you the first pictures of my baby and you don't even mention them! But instead talk about yourself and how I can't name my baby what you want to name your baby. That's pretty selfish Stacy. Do you see why I said that it wasn't just kid stuff and that you still hurt me now that we're adults? If you want to have a relationship with me, try thinking about other people's feelings some of the time.
I am really hurt by your email and I am very frustrated that you continue to think of yourself first and expect me to want a relationship with you. I don't know what to do anymore Stacy.
Taryn,
My email was not intended to upset you or to seem selfish. I just wanted to let you know how I feel and have always felt about naming my child after me, should I be fortunate enough to have a little girl. It has always been my dream since I was a child to have a little girl named Avie. That is my legacy to her. My love and my name is what I wish to pass on. I just wanted you to know how I felt.
Then the next day out of no where Stacy sends this:
Congratulations! The pictures are great. Thanks for sharing. This is an exciting time. Enjoy it.
Love,
Stacy, Mike and Rylen
Like the other email has never been sent, like some sort of unspoken 'do over'. After not talking to her for a while things move along cautiously.
July 23, 2009
Stacy,
Sorry that we haven't been able to connect on the phone. Things are so crazy right now with mom and dad coming out and trying to find another job. I've been so tired at the end of the day that I can barely make myself anything to eat. I've been feeling really down and don't much feel like talking to anyone.
Thank you for reaching out to me. I just need to be alone right now.
Taryn
July 24, 2009
I am sorry that you are feeling down. Just keep your spirits up and stay healthy. You aren't alone. You have your little one to care for and think about. (Trust me.. it will be a long time before you get a moment alone again)
Have fun with Mom and Dad.
Call me when you feel like talking.
Love, Stacy
Over the next months I occasionally reach out a few different ways on Facebook; post things on her wall, comment on things Stacy’s posts about Rylen, and even sent her an IM. The response I got sends me the message that she is not interested in talking to me. So I abandon all efforts and decide that I’ve finally had enough; I’ve got WAY too much on my plate right now to deal with this anyways. Then I get an email…
October 7, 2009
Hey Taryn,
It is getting close to baby day! I bet you are getting excited! I haven't heard from you in a while and have been respecting your wishes and not calling. How are you feeling? are you nervous or had any time to think about the delivery?? Well I would be happy to talk if you want to. Also, I have a lot of baby things (obviously-lol) and am wondering if you need anything? So please let me know what I can do. I hope to hear from you soon.Love, Stacy
October 11, 2009
Stacy,
Thanks for the note. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. Things have been crazy. I had divorce court on Friday and a Dr appt. Then I got sick this weekend and I've got a really big week coming up so I've been resting.
I'm not sure what you mean about respecting my wishes and not contacting me. I've tried to reach out to you a few times through facebook and you didn't really seem interested in talking with me.
But, I'm starting to get very excited. I have 2 classes this week, breast feeding and my first birthing class. I'm pretty well set with baby stuff and I have 2 showers coming up in the next few weeks. Thanks for the offer though.
Hope things are going well for you...I'm sure you're gearing up for Rylen's first birthday! I can't believe he's already a year old!! But at the same time it feels like forever ago that I came down to see you when he was born.
Thanks again for the note, talk to ya later
Taryn
October 14, 2009
Taryn,
I am glad that you are set with baby things. That must be a relief. What I was referring to was your last email to me asking to leave you alone. So I took that as you wanted to be left alone. So that is what I did. The reason I was a little put off was because you seem to talk to everyone but me and tell me that you need to be alone. It just is upsetting. For a while I called and called and you would talk to others but not me. And the "book" that you posted on your blog.. while I am sorry that you feel that I wasn't there for you.. I can remember many times that I was there for you and as I said before we were sisters and sisters go back and forth with each other that is just the way it is. And all that was when we were children. But in the book you continued to trash me.. I would never do that to you. And then send it to all our family and friends. Why would you do that? How hurtful. As I remember You were not always an angel to me.. It is just not right of you to drag my name through the mud. I am sorry for what you feel happened to you but don't blame me. If you would talk to me about things instead of trash me and the family on a blog that might work out a lot better for you. How can your family be supportive of you if you don't tell us what is going on? but ,,that is all in past now we are adults having our own families and i just thought that maybe at some point you would realize that we are your family and no matter how far geographically and emotionally you try to be from us you should realize that we are still your family. Can't we just have some sort of a relationship? This not talking and writing rude things about me is just childish. I want to move on. I want a sister in my life, I want that for my family and my son. I would imagine that you would want the same for yours. It is just upsetting to me to see families that I know all getting together and having fun and you never want to just drop the walls down and let your family know what is really going on and let us be there for you. It doesn't have to be this way. I just feel like our relationship is such a missed opportunity. I just have to say all of this to get it out there. In my opinion there won't ever be a right time and I have been biting my tongue for years now wanting to tell you how much I would like to know the real you, .. There has been times that you have actually had conversations with me but then when I think we are making progress and getting closer you put the walls right back up. I guess what I am saying that I am not going to hurt you.. I have been trying and offering to help.. to listen basically to do anything.. for a while now. I thought for sure that this time... us having so much in common in our lives right now.. this time would be the one you would be receptive.. but again nothing. I am not blaming or trying to argue with you anymore I am just wanting you to know I am tired of being like this and if we can move on and have an "actual" relationship I am game for it. I am just exhausted of the drama. Lets forget what has happened in the past both what you have done to me and what you perceive I have done to you. Let me know what you think. I hope we can move on for us, for our parents and especially so that our sons can know each other. Please take this email with the thought that it was intended. I just need to get it off my chest and I care SO much for you Taryn I just really would like to have you back in my life. I hope you feel the same. I would love to talk to you on the phone if you have the time please call. Love Stacy
We obviously have very different perspectives on how things have gone in the past. And I don’t think that you really understand where I am coming from at all. What you’ve said is in blue, my response or thoughts follow.
The first impression that I get from reading your email, is that it’s all about you. My book/blog was written for me, about me and my life from my perspective. It’s not about you, or trying to ‘drag your name through the mud’, or ‘trashing’ you. My perspective of things when we were kids is that you were very hurtful and mean to me on a consistent basis. Not ‘sisters going back and forth’. I can understand if that’s not how you remember things, and I have no doubt that I also did hurtful things to you as a kid. However, this is not something that is exclusive to my childhood. To this day, you hurt me and come across as always only thinking of yourself. I have several recent examples of this but don’t see the point in rehashing things that have gone by. You will never see my perspective, and I don’t think you will ever change this part of you.
Comments like ‘I am sorry for what you feel happened to you but don't blame me’ are not only hurtful and selfish but also discount what ACTUALLY happened to me, rather than what I ‘feel’ happened to me. This does not make me what to talk to you or open up to you. This does not help me to build trust in you to take my ‘walls’ down.
And comments like ‘If you would talk to me about things instead of trash me and the family on a blog that might work out a lot better for you.’ Do NOT make me want to talk to you; they effectively shut me down and close me off from you. This is a bitchy comment and does not help any situation. And what exactly might work out better for me? Talking to you openly is going to bring my baby’s father back into his life? It will make me not be a single mother? It will put money in my pocket for rent? It will make things so that I don’t have to work full time to just scrap by and support myself and my son? I don’t think so.
‘Can't we just have some sort of a relationship?’ I am not sure if we can have any sort of relationship, Stacy. I am honestly tired of trying, tired of being hurt, and tired of having to translate everything you say to not be selfish. And right now (if you would stop being selfish for ONE minute) I have more pressing things going on in my life than rehashing something that has not changed with you. Right now my baby needs a Father not an Aunt; and so that is where any extra energy and attention is going. I talk to other people and not you because you require too much energy and emotional control that I cannot afford right now. Right now I need to be selfish and do what is best for me alone. It was made very clear to me at a young age that I am the only person I can trust and count on. That idea is not going to change anytime soon. If other people come through and help me out, that’s just gravy; it cannot be counted on or expected.
‘This not talking and writing rude things about me is just childish. I want to move on. I want a sister in my life’. I wrote most of my book/blog a few YEARS ago, so it has NOTHING to do with what’s going on between us now! And again it’s not all about you. I didn’t write those things for you, to hurt you, or have ANY effect on you what so ever. Also it’s not like I’m ignoring you or not responding when you send me a message, so I’m not sure exactly how I’m being childish. And I can’t help but notice that you said you want A sister in your life, not ‘I want MY sister in my life’.
‘It is just upsetting to me to see families that I know all getting together and having fun and you never want to just drop the walls down and let your family know what is really going on and let us be there for you.’ The words you use here ‘never want to just drop the walls’ make it seem like I’ve not tried, or that this is something that could easily be done and I’m just choosing not to do it. I have tried over and over but you don’t know how to be there for me, you only hurt me. You have shown me this over and over again. Example: Even though my plate is OVERFLOWING with responsibilities and stress and emotions right now (most of which you will NEVER come close to understanding or appreciating), I reached out to you and commented on your video of Rylen walking and even sent you an IM. You gave me very short responses and made it clear you didn’t want to talk. If you care SO much about me, you could have asked me how I was, how my new job was going, how I was feeling, if I had heard anything from Rudy. But you asked me nothing; sending me the message that you’re not interested in me or my life. And don’t say that you thought I wanted to be left alone. People that want to be left alone don’t reach out to talk to you, so that excuse is BS.
‘There has been times that you have actually had conversations with me but then when I think we are making progress and getting closer you put the walls right back up. I guess what I am saying that I am not going to hurt you’ I don’t believe you won’t hurt me. In fact, I’m almost positive that you will hurt me because you always do and you have shown me no evidence you have changed. Those walls go right back up because you’ve done something to hurt me or show me that you have not changed or grown since the last time I let my walls down and gave you a chance. Eventually the walls just stop coming down. I give more opportunities than most people would. This is evident in my relationships with Stephen, Jason, Rudy, and you.
‘I have been trying and offering to help.. to listen basically to do anything.. for a while now. I thought for sure that this time... us having so much in common in our lives right now.. this time would be the one you would be receptive.. but again nothing.’ I don’t perceive you as trying to help or as listening, I perceive you as trying to tell me what to do (from your prospective, with your values, with your goals, as if I were you) and telling me what you think I’ve done wrong. I cannot think of a single conversation where you have truly listened to me and been supportive of me. I don’t think you really know what it means to do those things. That’s not meant as a cut, I just honestly don’t think you know how. We have NOTHING in common in our lives right now. Are you worried about how you will pay your bills? Are you in the middle of a divorce? Are you waiting for the phone call that says your soon-to-be ex has finally gone all the way and killed himself? Are you unsure if the father of your baby will just randomly show up while you’re giving birth after you haven’t seen or talked to him in months? Are you preparing to be a single mother? Are you wondering how you’re going to cope with giving your child over to an almost stranger when he’s just 6 WEEKS old? Or what you’ll do for healthcare for you and your child once he’s born? NO! You are able to stay home with your son. Your baby’s father was there with you throughout your pregnancy, you didn’t worry if he was going to be in your son’s life or not. Your healthcare is guaranteed and free. So tell me what we have in common right now? Just because we’re both going to be moms? Our lives are like night and day! This is a perfect example of how you don’t see things from my perspective at all.
‘I am not blaming or trying to argue with you anymore I am just wanting you to know I am tired of being like this and if we can move on and have an "actual" relationship I am game for it. I am just exhausted of the drama. Let’s forget what has happened in the past both what you have done to me and what you perceive I have done to you.’ It’s interesting to me that you say what I ‘have done’ to you but it’s what I ‘perceive’ you have done to me. You say that you’re not blaming, but you certainly aren’t accepting any responsibility either.
Let me know what you think. I hope we can move on for us, for our parents and especially so that our sons can know each other. Please take this email with the thought that it was intended. I just need to get it off my chest and I care SO much for you Taryn I just really would like to have you back in my life. I hope you feel the same. I would love to talk to you on the phone if you have the time please call. Move on to what? This email, and our most recent interactions (going back to your reaction when I first told you I was pregnant, your email after the first ultrasound pictures I sent out, and our conversation on facebook) all show me that nothing has changed. You are still the same person that you have always been. So I’m not sure how to move forward from something that isn’t changed. More of the same, more opportunities for me to be hurt, is not what I want. And honestly it’s not something I can afford right now. If you had changed, and were able to see things from my perspective alone, you would know this. This email is not supporting me; it’s not about me at all. The point of your email is exactly what you said ‘I just need to get it off my chest’. It was for you, to make you feel better. I can understand that; I just don’t have the energy to help you with it. I’m sorry.
This morning at 6:50AM my phone rings. I thought it was my alarm going off again and just turned it off. But I look at the phone and see that it was a call from Stacy’s phone. Right, because that’s how you prove that you’re not selfish; call someone at the butt crack of dawn when you know that they will be getting ready for work and NOT be able to talk to you, leave them a message to start their day with emotional things to think about all day long at work. I’m about to get in the shower 10 minutes later or so and the phone rings again; it’s Stacy, again. I don’t answer, because I don’t have time to talk, I’ve got to get ready for work. She leaves another message.
Once I get in the car and am on my way to work I check the messages. The first is actually from Mike, her husband. He goes on and on about how he wants to talk to me because this is affecting him and his family and he’s tired of the drama. He ends this uncouth, out of line message by saying “call me back when you get this, if you’re not a coward”. Really? Wow, umm name calling didn’t go over so well with me in 3rd grade, and it goes over even worse now that I’m an adult.
The second was Stacy and she went on and on so much that the message actually got cut off. She said to me that I’m dissecting her words but the jest of what she was saying is that she wants me in her life. She said that she hopes I’ll realize that life is short and this is stupid. Everyone has struggles, and by far her life isn’t perfect…we all have great things and we all have bad things but if we can just get over it and realize that our family is important, she tells me. Then she talks about how great she is; she has people in her life that have done horrible things to her but she was able to forgive them and move on. This is all a missed opportunity that we haven’t been close up to this point in our lives. And my favorite part of the message is when she said ‘I hope you can just realize you’ve done things to me in the past and upset me but I’m over it, let’s get over it and move on’.
This message struck me as callus, selfish, and self motivated. This was not about me, it was not for me; it was about Stacy and for Stacy. I think the biggest disconnect that we have is that I don’t see her as family. Stacy brings no value to my life; she does not enrich my life, she takes away from it. A sister is defined as either a female having the same parents as another or one parent in common with another; or a girl or woman who shares a common ancestry, allegiance, character, or purpose with another or others. We have none of these. She is not my blood and we have no relationship to speak of. What then makes her my family?
So I find myself on the other side of the coin. I don’t want to talk to her and really want nothing to do with her, but she won’t leave me alone and I presume is somewhat confused about what’s happened. She only wants to work things out and make things better; I don’t feel like dealing with her anymore. And I imagine this is how Rudy is feeling about me. Ironic...
Saturday, October 10, 2009
And Back Down to Zero
October 9, 2009
went to the dr today, everything is fine, we're right on track. he said that we are to the point that whenever I go into labor they don't need to try and stop it, I'm past the pre-term labor mark.
I still want to talk to you, if youre ready to meet
I've already said talk
i don't want to do it over email...we're having too many miscommunications, and it's taking forever...can we please meet?
I'm not saying it again talk
never mind then, I don't want to do it this way...it's too hard love, why won't you meet me?
Well I'm busy so talk if you want
You’re busy…forever? It doesn’t have to be tonight hun…why don’t you want to see me?
Sigh, well, I don’t think we came to a conclusion about you being there for the birth or not…you’re still not sure what you want…correct? Will you please try to figure that out as soon as you can? Do you have any other questions for me about this?
I want you there very much, and I’ll do whatever I can to help you be there and be comfortable.
Have you thought about what you want after Lucian is born? What kind of time you want with him? Do you want to take him to work with you some days? That kind of stuff.
babydoll, I don't want to spend another night checking my email every 5 mins to see if you've written me back, I want to talk to you and get some of this figured out so we can both move forward...does that make sense?
Its pretty sad that you would check your e mail that much
that's hurtful, we're having a conversation...I'm trying to be available to have that conversation..I'm trying to make things better rudy...and i realize that makes me a pitiful fool, but i'm willing to be that to make this work
if you're just going to be hurtful to me then let's do this another time, I've got reasons enough to cry already
I don't know how many times I have said talk
you don't respond! you can say talk all you want, you're not talking back so what else am I to think other than you don't want to talk?
here is what i said that you never responded to:
You’re busy…forever? It doesn’t have to be tonight hun…why don’t you want to see me?
Sigh, well, I don’t think we came to a conclusion about you being there for the birth or not…you’re still not sure what you want…correct? Will you please try to figure that out as soon as you can? Do you have any other questions for me about this?
I want you there very much, and I’ll do whatever I can to help you be there and be comfortable.
Have you thought about what you want after Lucian is born? What kind of time you want with him? Do you want to take him to work with you some days? That kind of stuff.
so 4 hours have gone by with us writing back and forth and we've accomplished nothing, other than me getting frustrated and hurt feelings...thank you for another lovely evening, ending with you not responding to me
how about you? what have you gotten out of this tonight?
October 10, 2009
I just figured it out...you're doing this on purpose. You're trying to hurt me...I guess, because, it's what you think I deserve? this is cruel, spiteful and malicious. haven't I hurt enough too?
when you're really ready to talk, let me know. And don't say back to me that you've said you want to talk...you don't want to talk, you are just toying with me.
when you're brave enough, we can meet and talk face to face, like grown ups
Youre being crazy I'm not doing this to hurt you I'm have things to get done so just e mail me right now
no, i'm sorry, I can't do it like this anymore...and now I'm sick too. I hope sward class goes well
why don't you come by after class? or we could meet for coffee
Can't child safety day
not sure what child safety day is...but what about later then, like this evening? or maybe tomorrow...I am not feeling great today
I have the boys tomorrow
what about tonight? I want to see you this weekend because the birthing classes start this Thursday, if you're thinking you might want to be there for the birth, the classes might help you feel more comfortable... and if you're gonna be at the classes I'd like to see you before that.
This Thursday's class will have a tour of the birthing unit...
Tonight is editing and sleep
come on rudy, I'm trying here, help me out...you can't find an hour in the next two days?
Maybe
I would like that :-)
I don’t know
well, we could give it a try, meet for coffee ...if it's too much or too awkward we just end it. no harm done
I've got to go out anyways to get some juice...I can't drink anymore water, I'll float away :) and drinking is helping my throat feel better :)
Rudy didn't talk to me for 5 days after this....
went to the dr today, everything is fine, we're right on track. he said that we are to the point that whenever I go into labor they don't need to try and stop it, I'm past the pre-term labor mark.
I still want to talk to you, if youre ready to meet
I've already said talk
i don't want to do it over email...we're having too many miscommunications, and it's taking forever...can we please meet?
I'm not saying it again talk
never mind then, I don't want to do it this way...it's too hard love, why won't you meet me?
Well I'm busy so talk if you want
You’re busy…forever? It doesn’t have to be tonight hun…why don’t you want to see me?
Sigh, well, I don’t think we came to a conclusion about you being there for the birth or not…you’re still not sure what you want…correct? Will you please try to figure that out as soon as you can? Do you have any other questions for me about this?
I want you there very much, and I’ll do whatever I can to help you be there and be comfortable.
Have you thought about what you want after Lucian is born? What kind of time you want with him? Do you want to take him to work with you some days? That kind of stuff.
babydoll, I don't want to spend another night checking my email every 5 mins to see if you've written me back, I want to talk to you and get some of this figured out so we can both move forward...does that make sense?
Its pretty sad that you would check your e mail that much
that's hurtful, we're having a conversation...I'm trying to be available to have that conversation..I'm trying to make things better rudy...and i realize that makes me a pitiful fool, but i'm willing to be that to make this work
if you're just going to be hurtful to me then let's do this another time, I've got reasons enough to cry already
I don't know how many times I have said talk
you don't respond! you can say talk all you want, you're not talking back so what else am I to think other than you don't want to talk?
here is what i said that you never responded to:
You’re busy…forever? It doesn’t have to be tonight hun…why don’t you want to see me?
Sigh, well, I don’t think we came to a conclusion about you being there for the birth or not…you’re still not sure what you want…correct? Will you please try to figure that out as soon as you can? Do you have any other questions for me about this?
I want you there very much, and I’ll do whatever I can to help you be there and be comfortable.
Have you thought about what you want after Lucian is born? What kind of time you want with him? Do you want to take him to work with you some days? That kind of stuff.
so 4 hours have gone by with us writing back and forth and we've accomplished nothing, other than me getting frustrated and hurt feelings...thank you for another lovely evening, ending with you not responding to me
how about you? what have you gotten out of this tonight?
October 10, 2009
I just figured it out...you're doing this on purpose. You're trying to hurt me...I guess, because, it's what you think I deserve? this is cruel, spiteful and malicious. haven't I hurt enough too?
when you're really ready to talk, let me know. And don't say back to me that you've said you want to talk...you don't want to talk, you are just toying with me.
when you're brave enough, we can meet and talk face to face, like grown ups
Youre being crazy I'm not doing this to hurt you I'm have things to get done so just e mail me right now
no, i'm sorry, I can't do it like this anymore...and now I'm sick too. I hope sward class goes well
why don't you come by after class? or we could meet for coffee
Can't child safety day
not sure what child safety day is...but what about later then, like this evening? or maybe tomorrow...I am not feeling great today
I have the boys tomorrow
what about tonight? I want to see you this weekend because the birthing classes start this Thursday, if you're thinking you might want to be there for the birth, the classes might help you feel more comfortable... and if you're gonna be at the classes I'd like to see you before that.
This Thursday's class will have a tour of the birthing unit...
Tonight is editing and sleep
come on rudy, I'm trying here, help me out...you can't find an hour in the next two days?
Maybe
I would like that :-)
I don’t know
well, we could give it a try, meet for coffee ...if it's too much or too awkward we just end it. no harm done
I've got to go out anyways to get some juice...I can't drink anymore water, I'll float away :) and drinking is helping my throat feel better :)
Rudy didn't talk to me for 5 days after this....
Thursday, October 8, 2009
But the Content hasn't Changed
October 8, 2009
how long are you going to be at the Dojo? can we talk some more? I thought we were having a pretty good and open conversation last night
you can always come by and have dinner...I could order Chinese :-)
Not coming by
I knew you wouldn't, but I've got to ask :-) can we still talk?
Talk
ok...tell me about your hurt, what's hurt/hurts you?
Not a relevant question I said don't talk to me about that
don't get upset...I don't remember you saying not to talk to you about that, I wouldn't bring something up that we agreed not to talk about...although I feel like it is relevant...but if you don't want to talk about it I'll let it go...
So then, do you want to be there when Lucian is born? how are you feeling about his approaching birth?D
Don't really know
can you give me any more than that?
love, I really want to talk to you and get some of this stuff figured out. And I know that you love to make me wait ;-) but if I'm gonna have to wait 20/30 mins to an hour every time I send you a message just to get 'don't really know'....it's going to make me crazy. we're dragging out a conversations that we could have been done with last night.
so are ready/willing to talk to me or not?
Youre just going on and on that's not talking
wow actually it's called conversation, it's a lot easier when you can actually hear the other person's voice. And I also asked very specific questions of you that you won't answer...ok then forget it...what do you call talking? and how was I going on and on?
I give up
Rudy, I can't make you want this, and i can't make you be a part of this, one of the greatest things in a person's life..I've tried everything I know to do...I've given you every opportunity, made myself open and vulnerable, reached out to you over and over again only to be shot down and hurt, like what you just did right now...
I give up
I guess just let me know when/if you're ready for this, and realize how difficult you are making things...especially for me, like this isn't hard enough on me already,or that I don't have enough other things going on to deal with too.
btw, tomorrow is my divorce hearing, and just so you know, I sent in the paper to find my birth mother, they sent me a letter and are looking into it, I should know something in the next 6 months or so...
I have a dr apt at 2:45 tomorrow...you are, as always, welcome to come
sorry to go on and on...yet again
See you know youre going on and on youre the one right now that is making it hard
how am I making things hard? and even if i am making it hard right now...you've made it hard for 4 months love...maybe I have just finally found my limit
me saying sorry to go on and on...yet again, was sarcasm
do you really want to talk or not? if you do, then lets see each other and really talk, enough of this other crap already
Ok
ok what love? do you really want to talk?
How many times do I have to say it
are you willing to get together then?
let me know what you want to do rudy...I'll try to continue to be open and vulnerable and not put up any defenses or walls...I have to go to bed now, I have court in the morning
how long are you going to be at the Dojo? can we talk some more? I thought we were having a pretty good and open conversation last night
you can always come by and have dinner...I could order Chinese :-)
Not coming by
I knew you wouldn't, but I've got to ask :-) can we still talk?
Talk
ok...tell me about your hurt, what's hurt/hurts you?
Not a relevant question I said don't talk to me about that
don't get upset...I don't remember you saying not to talk to you about that, I wouldn't bring something up that we agreed not to talk about...although I feel like it is relevant...but if you don't want to talk about it I'll let it go...
So then, do you want to be there when Lucian is born? how are you feeling about his approaching birth?D
Don't really know
can you give me any more than that?
love, I really want to talk to you and get some of this stuff figured out. And I know that you love to make me wait ;-) but if I'm gonna have to wait 20/30 mins to an hour every time I send you a message just to get 'don't really know'....it's going to make me crazy. we're dragging out a conversations that we could have been done with last night.
so are ready/willing to talk to me or not?
Youre just going on and on that's not talking
wow actually it's called conversation, it's a lot easier when you can actually hear the other person's voice. And I also asked very specific questions of you that you won't answer...ok then forget it...what do you call talking? and how was I going on and on?
I give up
Rudy, I can't make you want this, and i can't make you be a part of this, one of the greatest things in a person's life..I've tried everything I know to do...I've given you every opportunity, made myself open and vulnerable, reached out to you over and over again only to be shot down and hurt, like what you just did right now...
I give up
I guess just let me know when/if you're ready for this, and realize how difficult you are making things...especially for me, like this isn't hard enough on me already,or that I don't have enough other things going on to deal with too.
btw, tomorrow is my divorce hearing, and just so you know, I sent in the paper to find my birth mother, they sent me a letter and are looking into it, I should know something in the next 6 months or so...
I have a dr apt at 2:45 tomorrow...you are, as always, welcome to come
sorry to go on and on...yet again
See you know youre going on and on youre the one right now that is making it hard
how am I making things hard? and even if i am making it hard right now...you've made it hard for 4 months love...maybe I have just finally found my limit
me saying sorry to go on and on...yet again, was sarcasm
do you really want to talk or not? if you do, then lets see each other and really talk, enough of this other crap already
Ok
ok what love? do you really want to talk?
How many times do I have to say it
are you willing to get together then?
let me know what you want to do rudy...I'll try to continue to be open and vulnerable and not put up any defenses or walls...I have to go to bed now, I have court in the morning
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Conversation is Picking up
October 7, 2009
hope you're having a good week and the new job is going well
can we talk?
Talk
I'm starting to get scared about labor, i want to talk to you about that day, and the days after
I want to make things better between us, I want you to be there when your son is born...i don't know how to do that...the only idea I have is for us to talk
also, how is your new job, how are you doing, how are you feeling about labor getting so close, where are you at emotionally with everything, and i still wanna know about how you're hurting and what you want..i want to talk love
Ok so talk then ask a question I'll answer it
really...? ok... are you going to be there at the hospital while I'm in labor? and if you are, what's that gonna be like? I mean, do you want to be in the room with me, cut the cord, or do you just want to be in a waiting room somewhere?
I don't know I think it would be weird being in the room with you
i can understand it being weird...it would be weird for me too, but what do you want? I think it would only be weird for a little bit, then we would get over it. And we can try to spend some time together now to help it not be as weird
Do you want me there?
yes, very much. not just for me, but for your son. you should be there, you deserve to be there
to be honest, theres no one I want there more than you
what do you want? Do you want to be there?
If I'm there who else would be there?
we can talk about that...I'm open to what makes you comfortable If you don't want anyone else there, we'll make that happen...just realize that makes me completely dependent on you. I'll be putting a lot of trust in you, please don't let me down.
Don't assume I said I wanted to be there
i'm sorry, i don't understand...I'm not assuming anything, I'm still talking hypothetical and trying to find out what you want.
This would be a lot easier if we could actually talk instead of type...I don't want to misunderstand you and I don't want you to misunderstand me either
hope you're having a good week and the new job is going well
can we talk?
Talk
I'm starting to get scared about labor, i want to talk to you about that day, and the days after
I want to make things better between us, I want you to be there when your son is born...i don't know how to do that...the only idea I have is for us to talk
also, how is your new job, how are you doing, how are you feeling about labor getting so close, where are you at emotionally with everything, and i still wanna know about how you're hurting and what you want..i want to talk love
Ok so talk then ask a question I'll answer it
really...? ok... are you going to be there at the hospital while I'm in labor? and if you are, what's that gonna be like? I mean, do you want to be in the room with me, cut the cord, or do you just want to be in a waiting room somewhere?
I don't know I think it would be weird being in the room with you
i can understand it being weird...it would be weird for me too, but what do you want? I think it would only be weird for a little bit, then we would get over it. And we can try to spend some time together now to help it not be as weird
Do you want me there?
yes, very much. not just for me, but for your son. you should be there, you deserve to be there
to be honest, theres no one I want there more than you
what do you want? Do you want to be there?
If I'm there who else would be there?
we can talk about that...I'm open to what makes you comfortable If you don't want anyone else there, we'll make that happen...just realize that makes me completely dependent on you. I'll be putting a lot of trust in you, please don't let me down.
Don't assume I said I wanted to be there
i'm sorry, i don't understand...I'm not assuming anything, I'm still talking hypothetical and trying to find out what you want.
This would be a lot easier if we could actually talk instead of type...I don't want to misunderstand you and I don't want you to misunderstand me either
Thursday, October 1, 2009
They Fall Apart
So why is it that when guys are no longer with me they seem to just totally fall apart and turn to shit!?
See exhibits A and B below...
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See exhibits A and B below...
Rudy then
Rudy Now
Jason then
Jason Now...
What the hell!?
The response
Pretty quickly I got a response from Rudy...I'm not really sure where it got us/me, or where things are now left off...but here it is
Rudy -- Wow sorry I don't respond instantly I've been working
Me -- It's been 2 days rudy...I work 10 hours and still found time to drop you a line...what do you expect me to do?
Yeah 2 days is a very small time frame
Ok then, it's been almost 4 months (15 weeks) and I told you 2 weeks ago that this is where I was heading. Nothing changed...I'm really not sure what more you expect me to do...tell me what you expect and I'll let you know if I can do that...I'll do my best to meet your expectations
I'm trying, and I've been trying
not responding now isn't going to help things love...
Didn't have anything to say
well...i guess just let me know when you have something to say...you know where I stand
October 2, 2009
I was thinking about it some more and reading over what we said last night...and i may have been too hard. i realize that you really have made some efforts, we've been talking more lately and you initiated us getting together last week. i'm sorry that its not been enough for me, and it's not fair for me to discount your efforts. thank you, I know this isn't easy for you either
having said that, I do need more from you please, help me...meet me in the middle
I still want to know about your hurt, about what you want, your expectations of me...anything you'll tell me...
I'm really getting scared, about everything. We/I could have as little as 5 weeks...I've never done this before, and I know it's going to hurt like hell...
Rudy -- Wow sorry I don't respond instantly I've been working
Me -- It's been 2 days rudy...I work 10 hours and still found time to drop you a line...what do you expect me to do?
Yeah 2 days is a very small time frame
Ok then, it's been almost 4 months (15 weeks) and I told you 2 weeks ago that this is where I was heading. Nothing changed...I'm really not sure what more you expect me to do...tell me what you expect and I'll let you know if I can do that...I'll do my best to meet your expectations
I'm trying, and I've been trying
not responding now isn't going to help things love...
Didn't have anything to say
well...i guess just let me know when you have something to say...you know where I stand
October 2, 2009
I was thinking about it some more and reading over what we said last night...and i may have been too hard. i realize that you really have made some efforts, we've been talking more lately and you initiated us getting together last week. i'm sorry that its not been enough for me, and it's not fair for me to discount your efforts. thank you, I know this isn't easy for you either
having said that, I do need more from you please, help me...meet me in the middle
I still want to know about your hurt, about what you want, your expectations of me...anything you'll tell me...
I'm really getting scared, about everything. We/I could have as little as 5 weeks...I've never done this before, and I know it's going to hurt like hell...
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