Well last Friday morning I went to the Dr because I was still bleeding from delivering Lucian. They did an ultrasound and found I still had part of the placenta inside me. The Dr said I needed to have a D&C. A D&C is when they dilate you and then scrape out everything inside your uterus. It’s outpatient surgery; you’re put to sleep and the whole nine yards of any surgery but you get to go home pretty soon after everything is done. We scheduled it for the next day but then his office called and asked if I could do it that night instead. So we scheduled the surgery for Friday night.
I had told Rudy earlier in the week that I had to go back to the Dr and I might need his help. I had a feeling I was going to need a D&C. So as soon as I got home I sent Rudy a text to let him know what was going on and see if he would come help me with Lucian.
I said, “Can you come over tonight right after work? I’m having surgery…”
A little later, “I need a ride and someone to watch Lucian, will you help me?”
A while later still, “Are you seriously not even going to respond to me when I’m having surgery? That’s really fucked up Rudy…”
He hasn’t really been talking to me at all in the last week or so. I’ve gotten maybe one or two texts is all.
An hour or so goes by and it’s been my experience that if he doesn’t respond right away, he isn’t going to. So most of what I send him is for my benefit and not his; just things I need to get off my chest.
“I’m so hurt that you aren’t even going to talk to me when I’m having surgery, there aren’t words for it. I’ve never been so let down.”
Almost right away I get this message, (prepare to get mad) “first I’m at work second you never told me about this.”
REALLY!? I couldn’t tell you the number of HOURS Rudy has spent texting at work. This has never been a concern of his; he’s just being an ass hole!
My response, “I’m sorry to bother you at work, this is kind of important. You didn’t know about this because I just found out this morning when I went to the Dr, and I told you I was going to the dr and might need your help.”
No response
About 20 minutes later I say, “But you don’t have to do anything, your mom is going to help me, like always”
After surgery I send this message, “Do you want to know how things went? Or do you care?”
No Response.
The next day he was teaching a sword class at the Dojo here in Parker, 5 minutes away from my apartment. Hoping that maybe he didn’t respond to any of my texts because he cares about me so much he was just scared to deal with the idea of me having surgery and because I figured with the message I had sent the night before he wasn’t likely to stop by and check on me so I thought I would open that door and see if he walked through.
“I hope you’ll come by after sword class, it would be really nice to know that you care, if you do. I was very hurt yesterday by your response. I was scared and felt like you didn’t care at all.”
He knew his mom was over and I don’t think he wanted to see her so several hours later when I knew class was over I said, “Your mom left a little bit ago…are you going to stop by?”
No response and he never stopped by.
An hour later, “Is that a no? Do you care about me at all Rudy? I’m so hurt, I can’t even be mad, I’m devastated, I don’t understand.”
Two hours later still no response and I need a little closure, “Well I guess we’ll see you Christmas Eve….bye my love”
His family invited me and Lucian out to dinner for Christmas Eve, it’s their family tradition.
I took a long nap and woke up feeling a bit stiff and achy. I thought I had just slept wrong on the couch or something like that. Otherwise I was feeling ok and my friend Kate was having a holiday party. There would be several people there I know and haven’t seen in a while. I’ve been isolated and cooped up for awhile and really wanted to go to the party. So I went. Ate some great food and hung out for a while. As the night wore on I felt more and more achy and stiff.
I didn’t sleep well that night and to move, even just to turn over in bed, took a lot of effort and hurt like none other. To sit up in the bed so I could feed Lucian hurt, to unbutton his clothes hurt, to slide open my phone hurt.
That was Saturday. When I got up Sunday, this afternoon, I almost fell over because it hurt so badly to stand up. So I wrote to Rudy, “I’m in a lot of pain, having trouble taking care of Lucian, will you help me?”
No response…he never responded and didn’t come over to help me. Luckily a good friend came over and helped me that night. The next day I was on the mend. So strange!
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Interesting Dream
I had a crazy dream...well most of my dreams are crazy, long and very detailed. The jest of this dream was that I'm supposed to wait for Rudy to get his shit together and that I'm supposed to be with him...perhaps that's my subconscious hoping things will work out, or maybe it's really what I'm supposed to do...who knows?
So I dreamt that I was in this big room, there were a lot of people in there and we were being attacked by this octopus like monster...I just saw the tentacles. I had Lucian in my arms and was climbing up on a desk in a corner and trying to get up on the cabinets above. I was screaming for Rudy to help me as the tentacles were thrashing around me, scraping my leg. He was nowhere to be found, and it was getting really scary. Then out of nowhere he showed up and saved us. HOW CHEEEEEZY!!!! God I'm a hopeless romantic even in my dreams! hahaha Well then in my dream I heard someone say, 'see he does care about you, you just have to wait for him' I don’t know who said it....
So I dreamt that I was in this big room, there were a lot of people in there and we were being attacked by this octopus like monster...I just saw the tentacles. I had Lucian in my arms and was climbing up on a desk in a corner and trying to get up on the cabinets above. I was screaming for Rudy to help me as the tentacles were thrashing around me, scraping my leg. He was nowhere to be found, and it was getting really scary. Then out of nowhere he showed up and saved us. HOW CHEEEEEZY!!!! God I'm a hopeless romantic even in my dreams! hahaha Well then in my dream I heard someone say, 'see he does care about you, you just have to wait for him' I don’t know who said it....
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Quick Update
Still no real word from Rudy. It's been 2 weeks now and he's been over to see Lucian a total of 1 hour in that period of time. I don't understand why he's ignoring me and I'm really tired of this childish behavior. It's time to grow up. It's time to start communicating like a grown up that has a 2 month old baby. I don't understand why he can't separate his relationship with me from his relationship with Lucian. You don't want to see me, fine. Come see your son, I'll leave. How did I judge him so badly? How did I miss all of this horrible stuff about him? I suppose Rudy showed me what he wanted me to see. I think he wanted to be able to do all of this: have a baby, be a family. But when it came down to it, he just can't.
I know that I deserve better than what he's giving me and that I really shouldn't want him in my life. So why do I? Why do I even care what happens to him? Outside of Lucian and Lucian needing Rudy in his life. I guess I’m still holding on to that person Rudy was; the person he was pretending to be when all of this started. I keep hoping that person will come back; that Rudy really is that person he was pretending to be. Maybe he is; maybe he’s not. The question I need to answer, is how long am I willing to wait to find out?
I hate it. I hate not knowing, I hate not being able to move forward. I wish I could have a clear answer, a clean cut or a real relationship. Honestly at this point I’d settle for some honest, good communication. I’ve always demanded total honesty and the utmost of intimacy from all of my relationships. Whatever it is, I can deal with it so long as I know the whole story. Tell me your thoughts and feelings, where you’re coming from. I thought I had explained this to Rudy when we first got together.
Maybe I don’t have to have the answers. I suppose neither of us is going anywhere, and we’ll be in each other’s lives for at least the next 18+ years. I can be open to other relationships at the same time as I’m waiting to see who Rudy really is. I guess that question will need to be answered if I find someone else. In the mean time I’ll just hang out here in purgatory, no-man’s-land, limbo.
I know that I deserve better than what he's giving me and that I really shouldn't want him in my life. So why do I? Why do I even care what happens to him? Outside of Lucian and Lucian needing Rudy in his life. I guess I’m still holding on to that person Rudy was; the person he was pretending to be when all of this started. I keep hoping that person will come back; that Rudy really is that person he was pretending to be. Maybe he is; maybe he’s not. The question I need to answer, is how long am I willing to wait to find out?
I hate it. I hate not knowing, I hate not being able to move forward. I wish I could have a clear answer, a clean cut or a real relationship. Honestly at this point I’d settle for some honest, good communication. I’ve always demanded total honesty and the utmost of intimacy from all of my relationships. Whatever it is, I can deal with it so long as I know the whole story. Tell me your thoughts and feelings, where you’re coming from. I thought I had explained this to Rudy when we first got together.
Maybe I don’t have to have the answers. I suppose neither of us is going anywhere, and we’ll be in each other’s lives for at least the next 18+ years. I can be open to other relationships at the same time as I’m waiting to see who Rudy really is. I guess that question will need to be answered if I find someone else. In the mean time I’ll just hang out here in purgatory, no-man’s-land, limbo.
Friday, December 11, 2009
2 Steps Forward...
On Wednesday Rudy didn’t really respond to any of my texts. Then he didn’t come over….again. He hasn’t seen Lucian since last Thursday. It’s very frustrating because on Mondays and Wednesdays he teaches classes at the Lifetime gym, 50 yards from my apartment. Yet he can’t come over…? Really? I thought that things had changed after last weekend and I trusted all of the things he said….such a fool. Here’s our conversation on Thursday.
“4 nights in a row he’s been awake for 2 hours in the middle of the night, im so frustrated….he was up a lot yesterday so he should have been tired, took 5 oz then nursed so he shouldn’t be hungry. I don’t know what to do, I hate this and I hate that I have to figure it out by myself”
No response, no support, no anything!
2 hours later…“I need you to come over tonight, we need to talk and figure some things out”
“figure what out?”
“We need a schedule of when you’re going to have Lucian, you don’t want to commit to me, that’s fine, but you need to make some commitments to Lucian because he needs you, I can’t do this alone, and I shouldn’t have to….your son deserves better than what I can give him when I have to do this by myself all the time”
“it’s time for you to share some of the responsibility”
“ah no not tonight”
WHAT!? This is the fourth night he’s not coming over! And I clearly need a break and some help!
“you better have a damn good reason….why not?”
“cause your attitude and approach”
“fuck that Rudy, I’ve been patient long enough, you should want the opportunity to have scheduled time with your son….I’m done”
“bye”
“you can figure out the birth cert, you don’t want to accept responsibility…you get no rights”
You see in Colorado when you’re married and have a baby, only your ‘husband’ can be on the birth certificate…even if he’s been in another state for 10 months because he tried to kill you one too many times! So now that my divorce is final we have to go back and fill out some paperwork to get Rudy on the birth certificate as Lucian’s father. This is a REALLY big sticking point for Rudy so I’m basically just being a bitch and trying to hit a nerve. The fact that he says nothing means he knows what I’m doing and is trying to not let it affect him. But at the same time what I said is true; why should Rudy have the right to be on the birth certificate when he’s not taking any responsibility for his son. If I want to take him to court for child support though, he has to be listed as the father. If he’s not on there I can’t get any money, but I also don’t have to let him see Lucian. This is NOT what I want!! I don’t want things to get catty and mottled by legal bullshit! UGH!
“I’ve been through hell the last 6 months and it’s because of you, this is exactly what I said I was afraid of on Sunday, you say you love me but nothing changed you’re still being selfish. You said you want to take care of me and protect me but I’m still having to do this on my own. I don’t understand”
“apparently you didn’t understand anything I said on Sunday”
“apparently you didn’t communicate it well because those were your exact words”
"I said a lot more then that”
“and those were not my exact words”
“then what were your exact words? what did you mean?”
“I felt bad for you and your bad luck so I tried to make things easier for you, but you’ve taken advantage of it and pushed me past my limit time and time again”
“I haven’t taken advantage of anything”
“you have in a big way, you’ve taken advantage of my patience, understanding, forgiveness, most of all my strength and ability to take care of Lucian on my own”
“this would be easier if I knew you were going to be no help at all so I could stop counting on it and being let down”
“you never answered my questions: what were your exact words? what did you mean?”
“I can’t answer I’m at work”
This is a bullshit response and basically means that he has NO idea what his exact words were.
2 hours later when I knew he was on lunch “you don’t have anything to say”
No response
“ok then, don’t show up here without an apology, for walking out 6 months ago, not going to any dr appts or birth classes, and not taking any responsibility for or helping me with Lucian since he was born except that one Sunday.”
“how you’re acting is one reason why I don’t want a relationship”
“haha right back at you!”
“I deserve way more than you’ve given me, someone that actually wants to take care of me and Lucian”
“what I hear you saying is that you don’t want a relationship b/c I have expectations of you and when you continuously don’t meet them, I get frustrated”
2 hours later...
“I need help and a break, so your mom is gonna come by tonight after Lucian’s dr appt. she called about the baby pictures and she could tell I had been crying”
“and”
“wow, just thought I’d let you know…that’s pretty cold”
“I told you about her calling so you don’t think I ran to her, and that I was crying so you know I didn’t tell her anything to make her come over”
“I knew you would take that the wrong way”
“If you knew then why did you say it anyway?”
“I realized too late”
“fair enough”
“you know that I think it should be you giving me a break and help”
Then I told him that I got the results of my pap smear and it came back abnormal again and I have to have another test done. He didn’t even respond. I’m so confused and frustrated. I’m mad at myself for being a fool and trusting him this past weekend that he really did love me. I should have known that things wouldn’t change.
I saw my therapist today and he suggested that I take Rudy’s words literally. Rudy said he ‘wants’ to take care of me and protect me. He didn’t say he would. Often times there are a lot of things we want to do that we don’t actually do or that we can’t do right now. I think that’s what Rudy was saying. He wants to do those things, but he said he was going to take things slowly…I suppose that means he’s not going to do those things for me now. Ugh it’s so much bullshit to wade through and try to figure out. Why do guys SUCK at communication?
“4 nights in a row he’s been awake for 2 hours in the middle of the night, im so frustrated….he was up a lot yesterday so he should have been tired, took 5 oz then nursed so he shouldn’t be hungry. I don’t know what to do, I hate this and I hate that I have to figure it out by myself”
No response, no support, no anything!
2 hours later…“I need you to come over tonight, we need to talk and figure some things out”
“figure what out?”
“We need a schedule of when you’re going to have Lucian, you don’t want to commit to me, that’s fine, but you need to make some commitments to Lucian because he needs you, I can’t do this alone, and I shouldn’t have to….your son deserves better than what I can give him when I have to do this by myself all the time”
“it’s time for you to share some of the responsibility”
“ah no not tonight”
WHAT!? This is the fourth night he’s not coming over! And I clearly need a break and some help!
“you better have a damn good reason….why not?”
“cause your attitude and approach”
“fuck that Rudy, I’ve been patient long enough, you should want the opportunity to have scheduled time with your son….I’m done”
“bye”
“you can figure out the birth cert, you don’t want to accept responsibility…you get no rights”
You see in Colorado when you’re married and have a baby, only your ‘husband’ can be on the birth certificate…even if he’s been in another state for 10 months because he tried to kill you one too many times! So now that my divorce is final we have to go back and fill out some paperwork to get Rudy on the birth certificate as Lucian’s father. This is a REALLY big sticking point for Rudy so I’m basically just being a bitch and trying to hit a nerve. The fact that he says nothing means he knows what I’m doing and is trying to not let it affect him. But at the same time what I said is true; why should Rudy have the right to be on the birth certificate when he’s not taking any responsibility for his son. If I want to take him to court for child support though, he has to be listed as the father. If he’s not on there I can’t get any money, but I also don’t have to let him see Lucian. This is NOT what I want!! I don’t want things to get catty and mottled by legal bullshit! UGH!
“I’ve been through hell the last 6 months and it’s because of you, this is exactly what I said I was afraid of on Sunday, you say you love me but nothing changed you’re still being selfish. You said you want to take care of me and protect me but I’m still having to do this on my own. I don’t understand”
“apparently you didn’t understand anything I said on Sunday”
“apparently you didn’t communicate it well because those were your exact words”
"I said a lot more then that”
“and those were not my exact words”
“then what were your exact words? what did you mean?”
“I felt bad for you and your bad luck so I tried to make things easier for you, but you’ve taken advantage of it and pushed me past my limit time and time again”
“I haven’t taken advantage of anything”
“you have in a big way, you’ve taken advantage of my patience, understanding, forgiveness, most of all my strength and ability to take care of Lucian on my own”
“this would be easier if I knew you were going to be no help at all so I could stop counting on it and being let down”
“you never answered my questions: what were your exact words? what did you mean?”
“I can’t answer I’m at work”
This is a bullshit response and basically means that he has NO idea what his exact words were.
2 hours later when I knew he was on lunch “you don’t have anything to say”
No response
“ok then, don’t show up here without an apology, for walking out 6 months ago, not going to any dr appts or birth classes, and not taking any responsibility for or helping me with Lucian since he was born except that one Sunday.”
“how you’re acting is one reason why I don’t want a relationship”
“haha right back at you!”
“I deserve way more than you’ve given me, someone that actually wants to take care of me and Lucian”
“what I hear you saying is that you don’t want a relationship b/c I have expectations of you and when you continuously don’t meet them, I get frustrated”
2 hours later...
“I need help and a break, so your mom is gonna come by tonight after Lucian’s dr appt. she called about the baby pictures and she could tell I had been crying”
“and”
“wow, just thought I’d let you know…that’s pretty cold”
“I told you about her calling so you don’t think I ran to her, and that I was crying so you know I didn’t tell her anything to make her come over”
“I knew you would take that the wrong way”
“If you knew then why did you say it anyway?”
“I realized too late”
“fair enough”
“you know that I think it should be you giving me a break and help”
Then I told him that I got the results of my pap smear and it came back abnormal again and I have to have another test done. He didn’t even respond. I’m so confused and frustrated. I’m mad at myself for being a fool and trusting him this past weekend that he really did love me. I should have known that things wouldn’t change.
I saw my therapist today and he suggested that I take Rudy’s words literally. Rudy said he ‘wants’ to take care of me and protect me. He didn’t say he would. Often times there are a lot of things we want to do that we don’t actually do or that we can’t do right now. I think that’s what Rudy was saying. He wants to do those things, but he said he was going to take things slowly…I suppose that means he’s not going to do those things for me now. Ugh it’s so much bullshit to wade through and try to figure out. Why do guys SUCK at communication?
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Catching Up...Again
Wow, where do I start!? Thanksgiving. Rudy came and got me and Lucian and took us to his parents’ house for Thanksgiving dinner…it wasn’t a good day. Emotions came to a head and over flowed; Rudy and his mom had it out. I think it will ultimately be a good thing but it’s going to take some time to get there. One good thing that came from the day is that Rudy was thinking about me and my needs. We stayed for about 4 hours even though he was miserable, very uncomfortable and wanted to leave. I asked him why he stayed and he said “well I knew you needed to be around people today”.
I didn’t see Rudy again until Saturday and then it was just for a little over an hour. As he was leaving I gave him a look like I was going to kiss him. He said “not now.” I asked him why and he couldn’t give me a reason.
I sent a guilt filled message saying “Come spend the day with us tomorrow. I need some company and a break. You’ve had my car for 2 weeks I don’t think one day is too much to ask.” The response was a simple “ok”.
Rudy came over about 12:30 Sunday. He hung out and took care of Lucian while I got some things done around the apartment. I asked if Rudy wanted to give Lucian a bath and he said no. I asked him why not. “I don’t know how.” I told him “Then learn, you have a son you need to know how to give him a bath”. Then I offered “why don’t you help me give him a bath so you can learn.” Rudy agreed. I told him he was lucky that he had me to help him figure things out…I had to figure everything out on my own. He said “you’re in a strange mood”.
“I know, I’m feisty”
“Why?”
“I feel like I’m doing all of this by myself and it’s not fair”
We gave Lucian a bath and then they fell asleep on the couch, it was very sweet. A while later I asked Rudy if he was hungry ‘cause I was going to make something for me to eat. He said that he was but he wanted to go out to eat. He asked where I wanted to go. We decided to go out to Red Robin, one of our favorite places to go to eat. It was really nice eating out, felt like a family. It was hard to remember that we’re not a family and it was a little bit hard to enjoy myself because I knew I would soon be alone again.
He took us home and then said he was heading out. I gave him that look again like I wanted to kiss him and said, “You probably don’t want me to do it now either.”
“Probably not.”
“well you don’t give a girl a lot of options”
“for what?”
“when to kiss you.”
“Fine then” and he kissed me square on the lips. It was soft and firm, sweet. It lasted for a while and I pulled away before he did. There was one long kiss and a few little kisses after before he walked to the door and left. It was so comfortable, like we’d been doing it all along. It felt natural and right, like it was supposed to happen. It was 7:00pm by the time Rudy went home, he really did spend the day with us!
This was a week ago Sunday. My friend Ashley was coming out to see me Wednesday of the following week and I needed my car back by Tuesday night. Rudy brought it by Tuesday and stayed for about 45 mins. I told him that we probably wouldn’t see each other while Ashley was here because he didn’t want to be put in an awkward position knowing that she hates him for what he’s done.
Thursday Rudy and his friend Garrett wanted to come over. I told them that would be fine. They came and stayed for a few hours. I enjoyed them being here but I know that Ashley did not. I think everyone felt awkward. After they left Rudy sent me a text asking me to come over; it was 11:00 at night and he’s NEVER asked me to come over. He was very insistent and really wouldn’t let it go. I said we should make plans to hang out another day. Ashley had offered to watch Lucian if there was something I wanted to go and do without him. So we decided to hang out Saturday night. We saw a movie and then went to his apartment to hang out. It was great! We started talking and he was really opening up and letting down his guard.
I went home. Almost as soon as I got home Rudy was texting me to come back. He wanted me to spend the night. I tried to explain to him that I couldn’t. Lucian needed me and I had a friend out visiting me. He was VERY insistent and got upset like his feelings were hurt.
The next day I told him I wanted to come see him again. He agreed. I asked if he wanted me to bring Lucian or if he wanted to take advantage of us being able to be alone. He said he wanted it to be just us.
It was a fantastic night! We talked a lot and made a lot of progress. I told Rudy “I love you”
He said “I still love you too. But I want to take things slow, not rush into anything. I need to take some time just for me to figure out what I want in life and what I’m doing. If something happens between us it is going to be over time.”
Holding me on the couch he asked me “Are you happy? Do you feel safe? Do you feel warm inside?” I told him that I was happy and did feel safe and warm; but I was terrified to trust it. He said that he understood.
He said “I won’t be a jerk to you anymore and I won’t be mean…unless I’m picking on you. No matter what you’re the mother of my son and I’ll always love you and care about you. We’ll always have a relationship as parents. And I’ll try to protect you and take care of you.”
It was everything that I’ve been wanting to hear. But it was so hard to accept as true. I’ve been SO hurt for months now. I want it to be true but I’m afraid to completely let my guard down. I can’t afford to get hurt like I was before. This was a really good first step, but I need to see how things play out over time.
We fell asleep on the couch watching a movie; Rudy holding me. I woke up about 1:00am and headed home. The next morning I got a text “I wish you had stayed the night. I wanted to wake up next to you.” I was on cloud 9!
That was Sunday. We talked some on Monday and Tuesday. We agreed on what to do for Christmas and Christmas Eve. We decided to exchange gifts between us and for Lucian; also that we would spend Christmas Eve together. This is all very exciting and wonderful. But at the same time it’s horrible and confusing. Now it’s Wednesday and I didn’t really hear from Rudy today; I’ve not seen him since Sunday. I don’t know what that means but it makes me crazy! I don’t know what to think or how to feel. I’m trying to be logical and protect myself but my heart always gets swept away.
I didn’t see Rudy again until Saturday and then it was just for a little over an hour. As he was leaving I gave him a look like I was going to kiss him. He said “not now.” I asked him why and he couldn’t give me a reason.
I sent a guilt filled message saying “Come spend the day with us tomorrow. I need some company and a break. You’ve had my car for 2 weeks I don’t think one day is too much to ask.” The response was a simple “ok”.
Rudy came over about 12:30 Sunday. He hung out and took care of Lucian while I got some things done around the apartment. I asked if Rudy wanted to give Lucian a bath and he said no. I asked him why not. “I don’t know how.” I told him “Then learn, you have a son you need to know how to give him a bath”. Then I offered “why don’t you help me give him a bath so you can learn.” Rudy agreed. I told him he was lucky that he had me to help him figure things out…I had to figure everything out on my own. He said “you’re in a strange mood”.
“I know, I’m feisty”
“Why?”
“I feel like I’m doing all of this by myself and it’s not fair”
We gave Lucian a bath and then they fell asleep on the couch, it was very sweet. A while later I asked Rudy if he was hungry ‘cause I was going to make something for me to eat. He said that he was but he wanted to go out to eat. He asked where I wanted to go. We decided to go out to Red Robin, one of our favorite places to go to eat. It was really nice eating out, felt like a family. It was hard to remember that we’re not a family and it was a little bit hard to enjoy myself because I knew I would soon be alone again.
He took us home and then said he was heading out. I gave him that look again like I wanted to kiss him and said, “You probably don’t want me to do it now either.”
“Probably not.”
“well you don’t give a girl a lot of options”
“for what?”
“when to kiss you.”
“Fine then” and he kissed me square on the lips. It was soft and firm, sweet. It lasted for a while and I pulled away before he did. There was one long kiss and a few little kisses after before he walked to the door and left. It was so comfortable, like we’d been doing it all along. It felt natural and right, like it was supposed to happen. It was 7:00pm by the time Rudy went home, he really did spend the day with us!
This was a week ago Sunday. My friend Ashley was coming out to see me Wednesday of the following week and I needed my car back by Tuesday night. Rudy brought it by Tuesday and stayed for about 45 mins. I told him that we probably wouldn’t see each other while Ashley was here because he didn’t want to be put in an awkward position knowing that she hates him for what he’s done.
Thursday Rudy and his friend Garrett wanted to come over. I told them that would be fine. They came and stayed for a few hours. I enjoyed them being here but I know that Ashley did not. I think everyone felt awkward. After they left Rudy sent me a text asking me to come over; it was 11:00 at night and he’s NEVER asked me to come over. He was very insistent and really wouldn’t let it go. I said we should make plans to hang out another day. Ashley had offered to watch Lucian if there was something I wanted to go and do without him. So we decided to hang out Saturday night. We saw a movie and then went to his apartment to hang out. It was great! We started talking and he was really opening up and letting down his guard.
I went home. Almost as soon as I got home Rudy was texting me to come back. He wanted me to spend the night. I tried to explain to him that I couldn’t. Lucian needed me and I had a friend out visiting me. He was VERY insistent and got upset like his feelings were hurt.
The next day I told him I wanted to come see him again. He agreed. I asked if he wanted me to bring Lucian or if he wanted to take advantage of us being able to be alone. He said he wanted it to be just us.
It was a fantastic night! We talked a lot and made a lot of progress. I told Rudy “I love you”
He said “I still love you too. But I want to take things slow, not rush into anything. I need to take some time just for me to figure out what I want in life and what I’m doing. If something happens between us it is going to be over time.”
Holding me on the couch he asked me “Are you happy? Do you feel safe? Do you feel warm inside?” I told him that I was happy and did feel safe and warm; but I was terrified to trust it. He said that he understood.
He said “I won’t be a jerk to you anymore and I won’t be mean…unless I’m picking on you. No matter what you’re the mother of my son and I’ll always love you and care about you. We’ll always have a relationship as parents. And I’ll try to protect you and take care of you.”
It was everything that I’ve been wanting to hear. But it was so hard to accept as true. I’ve been SO hurt for months now. I want it to be true but I’m afraid to completely let my guard down. I can’t afford to get hurt like I was before. This was a really good first step, but I need to see how things play out over time.
We fell asleep on the couch watching a movie; Rudy holding me. I woke up about 1:00am and headed home. The next morning I got a text “I wish you had stayed the night. I wanted to wake up next to you.” I was on cloud 9!
That was Sunday. We talked some on Monday and Tuesday. We agreed on what to do for Christmas and Christmas Eve. We decided to exchange gifts between us and for Lucian; also that we would spend Christmas Eve together. This is all very exciting and wonderful. But at the same time it’s horrible and confusing. Now it’s Wednesday and I didn’t really hear from Rudy today; I’ve not seen him since Sunday. I don’t know what that means but it makes me crazy! I don’t know what to think or how to feel. I’m trying to be logical and protect myself but my heart always gets swept away.
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