I'm working my way through some pretty tough stuff. I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that Lucian's dad seems to want nothing to do with either of us. I haven't seen him in 7 weeks and the last I heard from him (which wasn't even a conversation it was a one line text message) was 2 weeks ago.
I don't understand what has happened and I feel completely powerless to change it. It is a horrible feeling that I can't describe. I don't understand how someone, who takes care of kids for a living and teaches them martial arts outside of work, can plan to have a baby and then abandon them. I feel lied to and tricked. The person I wanted to have a baby with no longer exists. And I get very upset with myself when I am sad that he's gone.
On top of that, it's been a really hard month. I took over a classroom and have been playing catch up with lesson plans and work. Lucian has been very sick twice and then this weekend I got very sick. My life on the day to day literally takes everything I have to make it work. So any normal bumps are disasters for me, I don't have anything extra to cope with them.
And I don't know where to go from here. I don't really have any good options. I can move to NC with Mom and Dad where I wouldn't know anyone, be in a place that I don’t' want to be, start all over finding a job building friendships. But I would be financially better off. Or I can stay here and keep struggling, take Rudy to court to try and get some child support, but he has no money.
I'm sorry I've gone on like this! There is just a lot to process in my head and I don't really have anyone to talk it out with. I know that in the end things will work and I'll be ok...it’s just the process of getting there is SO difficult and I'm tired of struggling. Just once I want something to be easy! :-)
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Skydiving
After jumping out of a plane at 17,000 feet today I feel like I'm myself again, finally alive again! I remember who I am. And I’m just starting to allow myself to accept that....I’m amazing! I am really, honestly and truly just starting to realize that everyone else is NOT like me.
I have a lot to offer the world and maybe someday to offer someone special. But they had better be pretty damn amazing too. And they better be able to keep up!!! I’m not bring anyone along anymore; maybe for a change someone could bring me along, or we could walk/run/skydive side by side!
I have a lot to offer the world and maybe someday to offer someone special. But they had better be pretty damn amazing too. And they better be able to keep up!!! I’m not bring anyone along anymore; maybe for a change someone could bring me along, or we could walk/run/skydive side by side!
Saturday, March 6, 2010
car accident
I had a car accident on the way to school today. I was driving down Santa Fe, 3 cars in front of me and the light turns yellow. The first car, which was practically in the intersection, stops dead! Everyone starts to slam on their breaks and I can’t stop in time. I hit the red Jeep Grand Cherokee in front of me. I exchange info with the lady I hit. Who by the way was the nicest person I’ve ever hit with my car! She said she was so sorry that it happened and that she was lucky to have been able to stop in time. She hugged me and wished me a better day! I love Colorado!
I sat in my car deciding if I was gonna go on to class or not. I was in shock and just beside myself. My mind was racing about what to do and how I was gonna be able to take care of this. The first person I thought to call was Rudy. I hate that he’s the first person I thought of to call. But he had Lucian and I was thinking how thankful I was that I didn’t have him in the car with me! Why do I hate that Rudy’s the first person I thought to call? I guess because he’s hurt me so much. The stubborn brat in me doesn’t want to admit that I needed him, no I wanted him there.
I called Rudy and he talked to me and calmed me down. Then he offered to come pick me up (I’m a good 30 mins away and he’s got the baby and he has to go teach a class in an hour and a half). I was floored that he offered to come help me. At first I said I don’t know. I didn’t know if I really wanted to accept help from him. And I was worried that it would just add more emotion and drama to an already emotional and dramatic situation. But he asked again, “do you want me to come pick you up?” I said yes. He came out and looked at my car. Told me it was drivable if I wanted to drive it home and follow him. I didn’t want to leave my car there and I trusted him. So I said ok.
I called him on the way back and thanked him for coming and helping me out. I knew he had to get to class and offered for him to just go on and I’d watch Lucian while he was in class. I asked him if he would please come back though and take care of Lucian while I took care of getting my car fixed, getting a rental car, etc. He said he would.
We got back to my apartment and he wrapped his arms around me. I felt safe, and small, in a good way, ya know what I mean? I cried. I’ve tried SO hard to put up this front with Rudy. Like I don’t need him, I’m doing just fine on my own; when really I’ve been hanging on by a very thin thread. But today I felt safe enough to let my guard down, be vulnerable and cry. He held me tight and said Just breathe. He left for class and I called his parents. They were in the area because they thought they were watching Lucian while Rudy was at class. They came over and helped me with Lucian while I took care of insurance and what not. Bob, Rudy’s dad drove me to get my rental car. He asked about my deductable. I told him it was $750…that I don’t have. He said “I’d like to help you with that”. I was speechless. I thanked him and told him how much that meant to me; I didn’t know what I was going to do. It was a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders.
Rudy came by after class and his parents were still there. We all chatted for a bit and just hung out. They helped me get some of the cat stuff out of the apartment. We laughed and were light-hearted. I caught a glimpse of the life that Rudy and I could have together but never will. It was a tease, a mirage. It wasn’t real, it didn’t matter. It almost would have been easier if he would have just blown me off but he didn't. And I don’t know what that means…probably nothing.
I sat in my car deciding if I was gonna go on to class or not. I was in shock and just beside myself. My mind was racing about what to do and how I was gonna be able to take care of this. The first person I thought to call was Rudy. I hate that he’s the first person I thought of to call. But he had Lucian and I was thinking how thankful I was that I didn’t have him in the car with me! Why do I hate that Rudy’s the first person I thought to call? I guess because he’s hurt me so much. The stubborn brat in me doesn’t want to admit that I needed him, no I wanted him there.
I called Rudy and he talked to me and calmed me down. Then he offered to come pick me up (I’m a good 30 mins away and he’s got the baby and he has to go teach a class in an hour and a half). I was floored that he offered to come help me. At first I said I don’t know. I didn’t know if I really wanted to accept help from him. And I was worried that it would just add more emotion and drama to an already emotional and dramatic situation. But he asked again, “do you want me to come pick you up?” I said yes. He came out and looked at my car. Told me it was drivable if I wanted to drive it home and follow him. I didn’t want to leave my car there and I trusted him. So I said ok.
I called him on the way back and thanked him for coming and helping me out. I knew he had to get to class and offered for him to just go on and I’d watch Lucian while he was in class. I asked him if he would please come back though and take care of Lucian while I took care of getting my car fixed, getting a rental car, etc. He said he would.
We got back to my apartment and he wrapped his arms around me. I felt safe, and small, in a good way, ya know what I mean? I cried. I’ve tried SO hard to put up this front with Rudy. Like I don’t need him, I’m doing just fine on my own; when really I’ve been hanging on by a very thin thread. But today I felt safe enough to let my guard down, be vulnerable and cry. He held me tight and said Just breathe. He left for class and I called his parents. They were in the area because they thought they were watching Lucian while Rudy was at class. They came over and helped me with Lucian while I took care of insurance and what not. Bob, Rudy’s dad drove me to get my rental car. He asked about my deductable. I told him it was $750…that I don’t have. He said “I’d like to help you with that”. I was speechless. I thanked him and told him how much that meant to me; I didn’t know what I was going to do. It was a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders.
Rudy came by after class and his parents were still there. We all chatted for a bit and just hung out. They helped me get some of the cat stuff out of the apartment. We laughed and were light-hearted. I caught a glimpse of the life that Rudy and I could have together but never will. It was a tease, a mirage. It wasn’t real, it didn’t matter. It almost would have been easier if he would have just blown me off but he didn't. And I don’t know what that means…probably nothing.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Dating
I went on a second date last night with this guy that I didn't really want to go on a first date with. Haha All these years and I'm still too much of a people pleaser! I feel bad because he's SUCH a nice guy and seems like he'd be a great friend. He is accepting of Lucian. No it's more than that; he thinks its GREAT that I have Lucian and he enjoys seeing how happy Lucian makes me. And that's AMAZING to me... I just don't feel romantically about him. It sucks, because he's a great guy. I know I have to tell him, I just don't really know how...no that's a lie. I just don't want to deal with it. God that's awful!
I don't know if I'm really ready to start dating. Is my heart really mine to give to someone else yet? I love when I ask myself questions I already know the answer to. But I ask hoping the answer will be different...it never is! haha
I want to be ready. I want to move on, to start healing. I want to finally find the person I can grow old with. I'm so tired of thinking I've found that only to find that the other person isn't ready, willing, healthy, or straight!
Having said that, I'm happy. I'm content and fulfilled in the rest of my life. I LOVE my son, and I wouldn't change a thing about him. I love my job and the people I work with. I'm happy where I live and with the friends I have. I have SO much going for me that I'm ok to wait. I think I'm finally at a place in my life where I can wait for love to come and find me. It's a good place to be.
I don't know if I'm really ready to start dating. Is my heart really mine to give to someone else yet? I love when I ask myself questions I already know the answer to. But I ask hoping the answer will be different...it never is! haha
I want to be ready. I want to move on, to start healing. I want to finally find the person I can grow old with. I'm so tired of thinking I've found that only to find that the other person isn't ready, willing, healthy, or straight!
Having said that, I'm happy. I'm content and fulfilled in the rest of my life. I LOVE my son, and I wouldn't change a thing about him. I love my job and the people I work with. I'm happy where I live and with the friends I have. I have SO much going for me that I'm ok to wait. I think I'm finally at a place in my life where I can wait for love to come and find me. It's a good place to be.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Been Forever
Wow I can’t believe I haven’t written anything since December! I'm sorry it's been so long since I updated my blog...I need to learn to write shorter blogs more often. Haha I'm still figuring all of this out and it's VERY hard to find time to do much of anything these days!
Ok the quick and dirty. I’m back at work and loving it! Things are going REALLY well there. I am enjoying the kids I work with and am SO incredibly thankful that I get to nurse Lucian twice a day. He’s right down the hall and I get to see him whenever I want to! It’s wonderful!
Now Rudy. I don’t really know what happened. But he’s not talking to me at all. Here is what I can remember of how things went last month.
I started a class for ECE (early childhood education) that runs on Saturdays. It’s ALL day, from 9 until 3. I had asked Rudy a while back if he wanted to watch Lucian while I was in class. He’d said yes, but then things went south again and I wasn’t sure what he wanted to do. So I set up for a friend of mine to watch Lucian. I thought just to be safe I should contact Rudy to be sure he didn’t want to watch Lucian. I hadn’t heard from him in weeks and got no response anytime I’d tried to contact him. So I was fully expecting the same, no response. But I got an answer and it was yes, I want to watch him.
So I thought I’d give him a chance…remember I hadn’t heard a WORD from Rudy for literally weeks before this. So I was a little nervous about leaving Lucian with him. I went to drop him off that morning. As a nice gesture I brought breakfast from chick-fil-a. I used to do that when we worked together so I thought it would be a nice thing to do. I get out of the car, breakfast in hand and say “good morning!”
Rudy says “what’s that?! I have food! I don’t want that”
I look at him disappointedly.
He says “why did you do that? I have breakfast”.
I respond, “I know I’m such a horrible person, I brought your breakfast”
“you are a horrible person.”
I can’t tell if he’s joking or being serious
He begrudgingly goes to take the food inside and I say to him, “my food is in there as well”
He comes back and doesn’t want me to come inside, he wants to carry everything himself. This is a huge red flag to me. Why don’t you want me inside? His apartment building has an access door before you can get to his actual apartment door. Now my food is inside too and I want it! He doesn't even want me to come in to get it. He runs inside and brings it all out and won't take what I got for him. And it’s freezing outside and there are things I need to tell him. I’m so thrown for a loop that I can’t really remember what I needed to tell him about the car seat and feeding times and tricks I’ve learned to help Lucian sleep. I remember to tell him that this is hard for me. I’ve never left Lucian this long with ANYONE. I tell him that I’ll call in the middle of the day to see how things are going. Not because I’m worried about him or that I don’t think he’ll do a good job. But because I want to know how Lucian’s day is going, what he’s doing, how he’s eating, etc. I tell him specifically “when I call and ask how his day is please give me something more than ‘fine’.” Rudy says ok that he will.
Well as you can guess this doesn’t happen. I send a text on my lunch break (4 hours later) to see how things are going. I ask “how is Lucian’s day going? How were things are the dojo?” Rudy teaches a sword class Saturday mornings at the Dojo and I knew he had to take Lucian with him. This was the first time anyone at the Dojo had seen Lucian. I was SO excited to hear about people’s reactions to Lucian and to hear Rudy be proud and excited about Lucian.
“he took up all of my time”
What does that mean?! So now I’m getting a little nervous that things aren’t going well. Maybe Rudy is resentful that Lucian is even there.
“I’m sorry to hear that….was it a huge pain?”
No response in more than 5 mins so I send another text with more questions. By the time I’m sending it I realize I have to be back in class in 5 mins. So I say I’ll just call him and talk. I send the text and then call. He doesn’t pick up. A few mins later I get a text “Can you relax?”
I tell him No I can’t relax I’m worried, this is hard for me, I want to know what’s going on. How is Lucian?
“he’s fantastic”
Is that sarcasm? What does that mean? And PS that is only a variation of ‘fine’ which I had very specifically asked him NOT to do! I’m dying at this point. I’m late back to class and when I get there I can’t concentrate to save my life! I leave class and call Rudy again. He doesn’t answer. I send a text and tell him that I’ve left class and I need to know what’s going on. He beats around the bush and really tells me nothing more about what’s been happening. I reluctantly go back to class and try to focus.
When class ends I send a text to let him know I’m on my way. When I get there I send a text to let him know I’m there and ask if we can talk. No response.
10 mins later Rudy appears and says sorry. I suppose for making me wait. He has Lucian and all of his things in hand. He still doesn’t want me to come inside. I say “I guess this means you don’t want to talk?”
“I’d rather not”
“Ok, then I’ll find somewhere else for Lucian to be next week”
“why?”
REALLY!? You don’t know why!!!
“because this is not ok. You won’t let me come in, you aren’t communicating with me and now you won’t even talk to me about it”
He walks away and I leave.
Here are the emails that transpired after that….
if you don't want to talk then please just listen...today was REALLY hard for me. I have NO doubts that you did a good job, and that Lucian was in very good hands with you. That's not what was hard for me today. I'm used to knowing when he breaths funny, when he goes cross-eyed, when he poops, and everything else that he does.
today wasn't hard because I was worried about Lucian being taken care of, today was hard because I'm selfish with him. I want to know everything he's doing, how he's eating, how he's feeling, how he slept, what people at the dojo thought about him. Today was about me. I know I have to let him go and let other people take care of him sometimes.that's really hard to do when I've taken care of him for the last 3 months. Do you understand?
I needed you to help me get through that today. I thought I had communicated that when I dropped him off, but I guess I didn't do it well enough. I needed to know about him, not because I thought you would do a bad job, but because I don't know how to be without him anymore. I got upset when i couldn't know everything he was doing. Also I was really excited to hear you be excited about having Lucian with you I wanted to hear you talk about him smiling and laughing, funny things you guys did. I didn't handle that very well. But all of this could have been avoided if you would have just told me some things about the day Help me feel like I'm not missing out. Do you think you can do that in the future?
I didn’t expect to hear from him but got this…
Help you feel like your not missing out??
yes, help me feel like I'm not missing stuff when i'm not with Lucian by telling me things you guys do, telling me about his day so i feel like I was kind of there in a way
When was that done for me
I've tried to do that for you...I even remember asking you if you would rather I not tell you things about his day...I never got an answer. If you want me to do that more i will...
also though baby doll, when i don't hear back from you (like when I told you lucian was sick) it makes me think you don't want to know these things...does that make sense?
no response....
I don't know where the line is between keeping you involved, and bothering you....most of the time i just feel like I'm bothering you, like you'd rather I not talk to you at all about anything. And I don't want to push you any further away....I'm figuring this out as I go love
no response.....so the next day I sent this
I know I've gone back and forth between being really upset with you and trying to help you be around lucian. I want you in Lucian's life and I try to make that happen...but when that doesn't happen I get upset. Or if i feel like I'm being taken advantage of I get upet because I'm hurt. I've decided that from here on out what I want and how I feel doesn't matter. All that matters is that lucian has his dad in his life. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help make that happen...I'll do it
just wanted you to know where I stand
I haven’t heard from him since….that was 3 weeks ago and he didnt even respond to me when I asked if he wanted to watch Lucian this Saturday.
Ok the quick and dirty. I’m back at work and loving it! Things are going REALLY well there. I am enjoying the kids I work with and am SO incredibly thankful that I get to nurse Lucian twice a day. He’s right down the hall and I get to see him whenever I want to! It’s wonderful!
Now Rudy. I don’t really know what happened. But he’s not talking to me at all. Here is what I can remember of how things went last month.
I started a class for ECE (early childhood education) that runs on Saturdays. It’s ALL day, from 9 until 3. I had asked Rudy a while back if he wanted to watch Lucian while I was in class. He’d said yes, but then things went south again and I wasn’t sure what he wanted to do. So I set up for a friend of mine to watch Lucian. I thought just to be safe I should contact Rudy to be sure he didn’t want to watch Lucian. I hadn’t heard from him in weeks and got no response anytime I’d tried to contact him. So I was fully expecting the same, no response. But I got an answer and it was yes, I want to watch him.
So I thought I’d give him a chance…remember I hadn’t heard a WORD from Rudy for literally weeks before this. So I was a little nervous about leaving Lucian with him. I went to drop him off that morning. As a nice gesture I brought breakfast from chick-fil-a. I used to do that when we worked together so I thought it would be a nice thing to do. I get out of the car, breakfast in hand and say “good morning!”
Rudy says “what’s that?! I have food! I don’t want that”
I look at him disappointedly.
He says “why did you do that? I have breakfast”.
I respond, “I know I’m such a horrible person, I brought your breakfast”
“you are a horrible person.”
I can’t tell if he’s joking or being serious
He begrudgingly goes to take the food inside and I say to him, “my food is in there as well”
He comes back and doesn’t want me to come inside, he wants to carry everything himself. This is a huge red flag to me. Why don’t you want me inside? His apartment building has an access door before you can get to his actual apartment door. Now my food is inside too and I want it! He doesn't even want me to come in to get it. He runs inside and brings it all out and won't take what I got for him. And it’s freezing outside and there are things I need to tell him. I’m so thrown for a loop that I can’t really remember what I needed to tell him about the car seat and feeding times and tricks I’ve learned to help Lucian sleep. I remember to tell him that this is hard for me. I’ve never left Lucian this long with ANYONE. I tell him that I’ll call in the middle of the day to see how things are going. Not because I’m worried about him or that I don’t think he’ll do a good job. But because I want to know how Lucian’s day is going, what he’s doing, how he’s eating, etc. I tell him specifically “when I call and ask how his day is please give me something more than ‘fine’.” Rudy says ok that he will.
Well as you can guess this doesn’t happen. I send a text on my lunch break (4 hours later) to see how things are going. I ask “how is Lucian’s day going? How were things are the dojo?” Rudy teaches a sword class Saturday mornings at the Dojo and I knew he had to take Lucian with him. This was the first time anyone at the Dojo had seen Lucian. I was SO excited to hear about people’s reactions to Lucian and to hear Rudy be proud and excited about Lucian.
“he took up all of my time”
What does that mean?! So now I’m getting a little nervous that things aren’t going well. Maybe Rudy is resentful that Lucian is even there.
“I’m sorry to hear that….was it a huge pain?”
No response in more than 5 mins so I send another text with more questions. By the time I’m sending it I realize I have to be back in class in 5 mins. So I say I’ll just call him and talk. I send the text and then call. He doesn’t pick up. A few mins later I get a text “Can you relax?”
I tell him No I can’t relax I’m worried, this is hard for me, I want to know what’s going on. How is Lucian?
“he’s fantastic”
Is that sarcasm? What does that mean? And PS that is only a variation of ‘fine’ which I had very specifically asked him NOT to do! I’m dying at this point. I’m late back to class and when I get there I can’t concentrate to save my life! I leave class and call Rudy again. He doesn’t answer. I send a text and tell him that I’ve left class and I need to know what’s going on. He beats around the bush and really tells me nothing more about what’s been happening. I reluctantly go back to class and try to focus.
When class ends I send a text to let him know I’m on my way. When I get there I send a text to let him know I’m there and ask if we can talk. No response.
10 mins later Rudy appears and says sorry. I suppose for making me wait. He has Lucian and all of his things in hand. He still doesn’t want me to come inside. I say “I guess this means you don’t want to talk?”
“I’d rather not”
“Ok, then I’ll find somewhere else for Lucian to be next week”
“why?”
REALLY!? You don’t know why!!!
“because this is not ok. You won’t let me come in, you aren’t communicating with me and now you won’t even talk to me about it”
He walks away and I leave.
Here are the emails that transpired after that….
if you don't want to talk then please just listen...today was REALLY hard for me. I have NO doubts that you did a good job, and that Lucian was in very good hands with you. That's not what was hard for me today. I'm used to knowing when he breaths funny, when he goes cross-eyed, when he poops, and everything else that he does.
today wasn't hard because I was worried about Lucian being taken care of, today was hard because I'm selfish with him. I want to know everything he's doing, how he's eating, how he's feeling, how he slept, what people at the dojo thought about him. Today was about me. I know I have to let him go and let other people take care of him sometimes.that's really hard to do when I've taken care of him for the last 3 months. Do you understand?
I needed you to help me get through that today. I thought I had communicated that when I dropped him off, but I guess I didn't do it well enough. I needed to know about him, not because I thought you would do a bad job, but because I don't know how to be without him anymore. I got upset when i couldn't know everything he was doing. Also I was really excited to hear you be excited about having Lucian with you I wanted to hear you talk about him smiling and laughing, funny things you guys did. I didn't handle that very well. But all of this could have been avoided if you would have just told me some things about the day Help me feel like I'm not missing out. Do you think you can do that in the future?
I didn’t expect to hear from him but got this…
Help you feel like your not missing out??
yes, help me feel like I'm not missing stuff when i'm not with Lucian by telling me things you guys do, telling me about his day so i feel like I was kind of there in a way
When was that done for me
I've tried to do that for you...I even remember asking you if you would rather I not tell you things about his day...I never got an answer. If you want me to do that more i will...
also though baby doll, when i don't hear back from you (like when I told you lucian was sick) it makes me think you don't want to know these things...does that make sense?
no response....
I don't know where the line is between keeping you involved, and bothering you....most of the time i just feel like I'm bothering you, like you'd rather I not talk to you at all about anything. And I don't want to push you any further away....I'm figuring this out as I go love
no response.....so the next day I sent this
I know I've gone back and forth between being really upset with you and trying to help you be around lucian. I want you in Lucian's life and I try to make that happen...but when that doesn't happen I get upset. Or if i feel like I'm being taken advantage of I get upet because I'm hurt. I've decided that from here on out what I want and how I feel doesn't matter. All that matters is that lucian has his dad in his life. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help make that happen...I'll do it
just wanted you to know where I stand
I haven’t heard from him since….that was 3 weeks ago and he didnt even respond to me when I asked if he wanted to watch Lucian this Saturday.
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