Stagnant

Things are starting to get hard. Day is the same as Night and every day is the same and every night is the same...I'm pretty isolated and starting to get depressed cause it's SO lonely. This is week 4, so I guess it makes sense that I'm starting to feel this way by now.

I'm not eating the way I should, you know me. I don't eat that much to start with and when I get going on something I just forget that I need to eat. I probably have 1 good meal a day and some little snacks here and there. But it might be 1 o’clock before I put anything in my mouth. Or I’ll eat at 9 and then not eat another thing until 7 or 8 that night.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being with Lucian but I'm really anxious to get back to work and in a routine. I need human contact! I need something outside these 4 walls. I think it would be easier if there was someone to come home each night... something to look forward to, tell me about their day and take over with Lucian for just a bit so that I don’t have to be ALWAYS on. Are other single mothers THIS single?

Lucian has been very demanding lately. He wants to eat every hour/ hour and a half, day and night. Then he throws up almost every time, several times. So I try to keep him upright to help get burps out. But no matter how long I keep him upright, the minute I lay him down (even just to change his diaper) he throws up; even if he's been upright for an hour and burped several times. I think he's gaining weight pretty well so I try not to worry about it too much. It's just time consuming and feels very defeating when I can't keep him from throwing up. The doctor said it was most likely just because he was so early and his little system is still developing and figuring out how to work.

My mom brought me a 2 page note from the family that took care of me in foster care before they got me. It talks about my personality and behaviors, and a lot about my eyes :-) One of the things in the note talks about how I throw up all the time. It says even when they lay me down to change my diaper to put something under my head, because I will likely throw up. Ha, I’ve waited all my life to have some behavior in common with a blood relative…and the behavior I get is throwing up. Figures! Hahaha I’m hoping he will outgrow this pretty quickly.

Physically I'm still healing. I'm still bleeding like an average to heavy period, my stitches are still pretty sore and I have to spray them with this numbing stuff several times a day. And I don't have any stamina. If I go to meet someone for lunch or run to the store I almost always need a nap when I get home. It's very frustrating because I'm not the type of person to just sit around. And it’s even more frustrating because I have my body back and emotionally I really want to ‘get out there’ and be cute and meet someone just to have fun with and rebound on. And I can’t. I still have no idea what's going on with Rudy...in terms of his involvement with this son and with me. I get such mixed signals for both!

So the one word I would use to describe my life right now is stagnant. And I HATE stagnant! I feel like Blanch from the Golden Girls. She is talking to one of the other girls and is describing how she feels. She says she’s not scared so she wouldn’t call herself ‘yellow’. She’s not sad so she wouldn’t call it ‘blue’. She calls that feeling ‘magenta’ and says “I hate feeling that way and I hate the color magenta!”

I want so badly to move forward, and I can’t yet. Lucian requires so much attention right now that at the end of the day I don’t even feel like I’ve accomplished anything. I’ll get half a load of laundry done, make one meal, get a shower, empty the diapers out of the trash can but not get a new bag in there…everything gets done halfway…and you know that is NOT my personality. I like to do everything over the top! It’s just hard right now…I’m sure it will get better soon. Perhaps I'm supposed to learn patience from this....