Ironic

My sister thought that this would be a good time to 'work on our relationship'. Ya know, cause I don't really have anything else going on, and I have the energy and emotional stamina to deal with this right now… We have never gotten along very well and we almost never see things eye to eye. I’ve come to a place of acceptance around this idea; we will never have a sisterly relationship. She will never be able to give me what I think a sister should be; especially an older sister. We can be cordial and surface in dealing with each other. Keep in touch and up-to-date about each other’s lives. But when I have a bad day or a big decision to make, talking to Stacy about it will never be something that comes to mind as a possible fix. I truly believe that she is incapable of seeing things from any perspective other than her own. This is true so much so that she doesn’t even realize there is any other perspective; she doesn’t see what she is missing. She doesn’t think she is selfish because she can’t see anything other than herself. Bear with me, I’ve got to give a little background before I get to what happened last night/today. And I like to just copy and paste emails because it’s so much easier than me trying to rehash it in new words.

Back in May I scanned and emailed out the first ultrasound pics of Lucian! I was SO excited and couldn’t wait to share them with everyone! Here is what I said:

Hello everyone!
We had the first ultrasound today and here are the pics of baby! The baby was moving all around, the doctor said baby was dancing. I don't think baby was still for more than 3 seconds at a time.

Hope all is well! Lots of love to you all!
Taryn

How would you expect a sister to respond to this? Lots of well wishes, congratulations, and questions about how you’re feeling? Here is how Stacy responded:

Taryn,
You had made a comment a few months ago about how you wanted to name your child Avie if you had a girl. I didn't say anything at the time because It wasn't something that I needed to mention. It didn't seem that this was an issue, as you weren't having a baby anytime soon. Now that you are pregnant and though you don't know if you are having a girl yet I just wanted to let you know how much it would and did hurt me at the time to know that you would take my name for your child. I have waited my whole life to give my special name to my special little girl. I would hope that the comment you made about taking my name was just that. I have hoped and waited as long as I have dreamed about having a little girl that I could name her after me. My name is one of the great things that I have always wanted to pass to my baby girl. It is a total sign of my love for her being passed on. It is so much more than just a name to me. I just wanted to talk to you about this. It is VERY important to me for you to know how strongly I feel about this. Being that we are both adopted I think that you understand how important it is to have that special child of your own. That one person in the world that you know is your blood. A child you can look to and see yourself in them. And naming them after you is just a further affirmation of that love. If you want to talk about this I would be glad to, please call

Unreal. Talk about hurtful and selfish; she didn’t even mention the ultrasound pics. All she did was talk about herself, and tell me what I can’t do. Hmmmm. I responded very directly and honestly but probably out of too much hurt as well.

That’s fine Stacy. It’s funny to me that you NEVER mentioned naming your child that until Rylen was born. And that I had talked about it back when Stephen and I got pregnant, 5 yrs ago. I wanted to give the baby a family name, and I know how important that name was to Mom. But whatever. That's fine. I think it's probably better that I name my baby something else anyways. Rudy and I already have our names picked out. So don't worry. Thanks for asking if we had names picked out and what they were before sending this hurtful email. And couldn't you have waited until we know the sex of the baby to bring this up? It might not even be a girl, then you brought this up for nothing.

Thanks for responding to my last email also. I reached out to you and you said nothing and did nothing. Now you send me this email...now think about why I feel the way I do about our relationship. So not only do you not respond to me when I try to reach out to you, but then I reach out again and send you the first pictures of my baby and you don't even mention them! But instead talk about yourself and how I can't name my baby what you want to name your baby. That's pretty selfish Stacy. Do you see why I said that it wasn't just kid stuff and that you still hurt me now that we're adults? If you want to have a relationship with me, try thinking about other people's feelings some of the time.

I am really hurt by your email and I am very frustrated that you continue to think of yourself first and expect me to want a relationship with you. I don't know what to do anymore Stacy.


Taryn,

My email was not intended to upset you or to seem selfish. I just wanted to let you know how I feel and have always felt about naming my child after me, should I be fortunate enough to have a little girl. It has always been my dream since I was a child to have a little girl named Avie. That is my legacy to her. My love and my name is what I wish to pass on. I just wanted you to know how I felt.

Then the next day out of no where Stacy sends this:

Congratulations! The pictures are great. Thanks for sharing. This is an exciting time. Enjoy it.
Love,
Stacy, Mike and Rylen

Like the other email has never been sent, like some sort of unspoken 'do over'.  After not talking to her for a while things move along cautiously.


July 23, 2009
Stacy,
Sorry that we haven't been able to connect on the phone. Things are so crazy right now with mom and dad coming out and trying to find another job. I've been so tired at the end of the day that I can barely make myself anything to eat. I've been feeling really down and don't much feel like talking to anyone.

Thank you for reaching out to me. I just need to be alone right now.
Taryn


July 24, 2009

I am sorry that you are feeling down. Just keep your spirits up and stay healthy. You aren't alone. You have your little one to care for and think about. (Trust me.. it will be a long time before you get a moment alone again)

Have fun with Mom and Dad.
Call me when you feel like talking.
Love, Stacy


Over the next months I occasionally reach out a few different ways on Facebook; post things on her wall, comment on things Stacy’s posts about Rylen, and even sent her an IM. The response I got sends me the message that she is not interested in talking to me. So I abandon all efforts and decide that I’ve finally had enough; I’ve got WAY too much on my plate right now to deal with this anyways. Then I get an email…

October 7, 2009
Hey Taryn,

It is getting close to baby day! I bet you are getting excited! I haven't heard from you in a while and have been respecting your wishes and not calling. How are you feeling? are you nervous or had any time to think about the delivery?? Well I would be happy to talk if you want to. Also, I have a lot of baby things (obviously-lol) and am wondering if you need anything? So please let me know what I can do. I hope to hear from you soon.Love, Stacy


October 11, 2009
Stacy,
Thanks for the note. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. Things have been crazy. I had divorce court on Friday and a Dr appt. Then I got sick this weekend and I've got a really big week coming up so I've been resting.

I'm not sure what you mean about respecting my wishes and not contacting me. I've tried to reach out to you a few times through facebook and you didn't really seem interested in talking with me.

But, I'm starting to get very excited. I have 2 classes this week, breast feeding and my first birthing class. I'm pretty well set with baby stuff and I have 2 showers coming up in the next few weeks. Thanks for the offer though.

Hope things are going well for you...I'm sure you're gearing up for Rylen's first birthday! I can't believe he's already a year old!! But at the same time it feels like forever ago that I came down to see you when he was born.
 Thanks again for the note, talk to ya later
Taryn


October 14, 2009
Taryn,
I am glad that you are set with baby things. That must be a relief. What I was referring to was your last email to me asking to leave you alone. So I took that as you wanted to be left alone. So that is what I did. The reason I was a little put off was because you seem to talk to everyone but me and tell me that you need to be alone. It just is upsetting. For a while I called and called and you would talk to others but not me. And the "book" that you posted on your blog.. while I am sorry that you feel that I wasn't there for you.. I can remember many times that I was there for you and as I said before we were sisters and sisters go back and forth with each other that is just the way it is. And all that was when we were children. But in the book you continued to trash me.. I would never do that to you. And then send it to all our family and friends. Why would you do that? How hurtful. As I remember You were not always an angel to me.. It is just not right of you to drag my name through the mud. I am sorry for what you feel happened to you but don't blame me. If you would talk to me about things instead of trash me and the family on a blog that might work out a lot better for you. How can your family be supportive of you if you don't tell us what is going on? but ,,that is all in past now we are adults having our own families and i just thought that maybe at some point you would realize that we are your family and no matter how far geographically and emotionally you try to be from us you should realize that we are still your family. Can't we just have some sort of a relationship? This not talking and writing rude things about me is just childish. I want to move on. I want a sister in my life, I want that for my family and my son. I would imagine that you would want the same for yours. It is just upsetting to me to see families that I know all getting together and having fun and you never want to just drop the walls down and let your family know what is really going on and let us be there for you. It doesn't have to be this way. I just feel like our relationship is such a missed opportunity. I just have to say all of this to get it out there. In my opinion there won't ever be a right time and I have been biting my tongue for years now wanting to tell you how much I would like to know the real you, .. There has been times that you have actually had conversations with me but then when I think we are making progress and getting closer you put the walls right back up. I guess what I am saying that I am not going to hurt you.. I have been trying and offering to help.. to listen basically to do anything.. for a while now. I thought for sure that this time... us having so much in common in our lives right now.. this time would be the one you would be receptive.. but again nothing. I am not blaming or trying to argue with you anymore I am just wanting you to know I am tired of being like this and if we can move on and have an "actual" relationship I am game for it. I am just exhausted of the drama. Lets forget what has happened in the past both what you have done to me and what you perceive I have done to you. Let me know what you think. I hope we can move on for us, for our parents and especially so that our sons can know each other. Please take this email with the thought that it was intended. I just need to get it off my chest and I care SO much for you Taryn I just really would like to have you back in my life. I hope you feel the same. I would love to talk to you on the phone if you have the time please call. Love Stacy


We obviously have very different perspectives on how things have gone in the past. And I don’t think that you really understand where I am coming from at all. What you’ve said is in blue, my response or thoughts follow.

The first impression that I get from reading your email, is that it’s all about you. My book/blog was written for me, about me and my life from my perspective. It’s not about you, or trying to ‘drag your name through the mud’, or ‘trashing’ you. My perspective of things when we were kids is that you were very hurtful and mean to me on a consistent basis. Not ‘sisters going back and forth’. I can understand if that’s not how you remember things, and I have no doubt that I also did hurtful things to you as a kid. However, this is not something that is exclusive to my childhood. To this day, you hurt me and come across as always only thinking of yourself. I have several recent examples of this but don’t see the point in rehashing things that have gone by. You will never see my perspective, and I don’t think you will ever change this part of you.

Comments like ‘I am sorry for what you feel happened to you but don't blame me’ are not only hurtful and selfish but also discount what ACTUALLY happened to me, rather than what I ‘feel’ happened to me. This does not make me what to talk to you or open up to you. This does not help me to build trust in you to take my ‘walls’ down.

And comments like ‘If you would talk to me about things instead of trash me and the family on a blog that might work out a lot better for you.’ Do NOT make me want to talk to you; they effectively shut me down and close me off from you. This is a bitchy comment and does not help any situation. And what exactly might work out better for me? Talking to you openly is going to bring my baby’s father back into his life? It will make me not be a single mother? It will put money in my pocket for rent? It will make things so that I don’t have to work full time to just scrap by and support myself and my son? I don’t think so.

‘Can't we just have some sort of a relationship?’ I am not sure if we can have any sort of relationship, Stacy. I am honestly tired of trying, tired of being hurt, and tired of having to translate everything you say to not be selfish. And right now (if you would stop being selfish for ONE minute) I have more pressing things going on in my life than rehashing something that has not changed with you. Right now my baby needs a Father not an Aunt; and so that is where any extra energy and attention is going. I talk to other people and not you because you require too much energy and emotional control that I cannot afford right now. Right now I need to be selfish and do what is best for me alone. It was made very clear to me at a young age that I am the only person I can trust and count on. That idea is not going to change anytime soon. If other people come through and help me out, that’s just gravy; it cannot be counted on or expected.

‘This not talking and writing rude things about me is just childish. I want to move on. I want a sister in my life’. I wrote most of my book/blog a few YEARS ago, so it has NOTHING to do with what’s going on between us now! And again it’s not all about you. I didn’t write those things for you, to hurt you, or have ANY effect on you what so ever. Also it’s not like I’m ignoring you or not responding when you send me a message, so I’m not sure exactly how I’m being childish. And I can’t help but notice that you said you want A sister in your life, not ‘I want MY sister in my life’.

‘It is just upsetting to me to see families that I know all getting together and having fun and you never want to just drop the walls down and let your family know what is really going on and let us be there for you.’ The words you use here ‘never want to just drop the walls’ make it seem like I’ve not tried, or that this is something that could easily be done and I’m just choosing not to do it. I have tried over and over but you don’t know how to be there for me, you only hurt me. You have shown me this over and over again. Example: Even though my plate is OVERFLOWING with responsibilities and stress and emotions right now (most of which you will NEVER come close to understanding or appreciating), I reached out to you and commented on your video of Rylen walking and even sent you an IM. You gave me very short responses and made it clear you didn’t want to talk. If you care SO much about me, you could have asked me how I was, how my new job was going, how I was feeling, if I had heard anything from Rudy. But you asked me nothing; sending me the message that you’re not interested in me or my life. And don’t say that you thought I wanted to be left alone. People that want to be left alone don’t reach out to talk to you, so that excuse is BS.

‘There has been times that you have actually had conversations with me but then when I think we are making progress and getting closer you put the walls right back up. I guess what I am saying that I am not going to hurt you’ I don’t believe you won’t hurt me. In fact, I’m almost positive that you will hurt me because you always do and you have shown me no evidence you have changed. Those walls go right back up because you’ve done something to hurt me or show me that you have not changed or grown since the last time I let my walls down and gave you a chance. Eventually the walls just stop coming down. I give more opportunities than most people would. This is evident in my relationships with Stephen, Jason, Rudy, and you.

‘I have been trying and offering to help.. to listen basically to do anything.. for a while now. I thought for sure that this time... us having so much in common in our lives right now.. this time would be the one you would be receptive.. but again nothing.’ I don’t perceive you as trying to help or as listening, I perceive you as trying to tell me what to do (from your prospective, with your values, with your goals, as if I were you) and telling me what you think I’ve done wrong. I cannot think of a single conversation where you have truly listened to me and been supportive of me. I don’t think you really know what it means to do those things. That’s not meant as a cut, I just honestly don’t think you know how. We have NOTHING in common in our lives right now. Are you worried about how you will pay your bills? Are you in the middle of a divorce? Are you waiting for the phone call that says your soon-to-be ex has finally gone all the way and killed himself? Are you unsure if the father of your baby will just randomly show up while you’re giving birth after you haven’t seen or talked to him in months? Are you preparing to be a single mother? Are you wondering how you’re going to cope with giving your child over to an almost stranger when he’s just 6 WEEKS old? Or what you’ll do for healthcare for you and your child once he’s born? NO! You are able to stay home with your son. Your baby’s father was there with you throughout your pregnancy, you didn’t worry if he was going to be in your son’s life or not. Your healthcare is guaranteed and free. So tell me what we have in common right now? Just because we’re both going to be moms? Our lives are like night and day! This is a perfect example of how you don’t see things from my perspective at all.

‘I am not blaming or trying to argue with you anymore I am just wanting you to know I am tired of being like this and if we can move on and have an "actual" relationship I am game for it. I am just exhausted of the drama. Let’s forget what has happened in the past both what you have done to me and what you perceive I have done to you.’ It’s interesting to me that you say what I ‘have done’ to you but it’s what I ‘perceive’ you have done to me. You say that you’re not blaming, but you certainly aren’t accepting any responsibility either.

Let me know what you think. I hope we can move on for us, for our parents and especially so that our sons can know each other. Please take this email with the thought that it was intended. I just need to get it off my chest and I care SO much for you Taryn I just really would like to have you back in my life. I hope you feel the same. I would love to talk to you on the phone if you have the time please call. Move on to what? This email, and our most recent interactions (going back to your reaction when I first told you I was pregnant, your email after the first ultrasound pictures I sent out, and our conversation on facebook) all show me that nothing has changed. You are still the same person that you have always been. So I’m not sure how to move forward from something that isn’t changed. More of the same, more opportunities for me to be hurt, is not what I want. And honestly it’s not something I can afford right now. If you had changed, and were able to see things from my perspective alone, you would know this. This email is not supporting me; it’s not about me at all. The point of your email is exactly what you said ‘I just need to get it off my chest’. It was for you, to make you feel better. I can understand that; I just don’t have the energy to help you with it. I’m sorry.

This morning at 6:50AM my phone rings. I thought it was my alarm going off again and just turned it off. But I look at the phone and see that it was a call from Stacy’s phone. Right, because that’s how you prove that you’re not selfish; call someone at the butt crack of dawn when you know that they will be getting ready for work and NOT be able to talk to you, leave them a message to start their day with emotional things to think about all day long at work. I’m about to get in the shower 10 minutes later or so and the phone rings again; it’s Stacy, again. I don’t answer, because I don’t have time to talk, I’ve got to get ready for work. She leaves another message.

Once I get in the car and am on my way to work I check the messages. The first is actually from Mike, her husband. He goes on and on about how he wants to talk to me because this is affecting him and his family and he’s tired of the drama. He ends this uncouth, out of line message by saying “call me back when you get this, if you’re not a coward”. Really? Wow, umm name calling didn’t go over so well with me in 3rd grade, and it goes over even worse now that I’m an adult.

The second was Stacy and she went on and on so much that the message actually got cut off. She said to me that I’m dissecting her words but the jest of what she was saying is that she wants me in her life. She said that she hopes I’ll realize that life is short and this is stupid. Everyone has struggles, and by far her life isn’t perfect…we all have great things and we all have bad things but if we can just get over it and realize that our family is important, she tells me. Then she talks about how great she is; she has people in her life that have done horrible things to her but she was able to forgive them and move on. This is all a missed opportunity that we haven’t been close up to this point in our lives. And my favorite part of the message is when she said ‘I hope you can just realize you’ve done things to me in the past and upset me but I’m over it, let’s get over it and move on’.

This message struck me as callus, selfish, and self motivated. This was not about me, it was not for me; it was about Stacy and for Stacy. I think the biggest disconnect that we have is that I don’t see her as family. Stacy brings no value to my life; she does not enrich my life, she takes away from it. A sister is defined as either a female having the same parents as another or one parent in common with another; or a girl or woman who shares a common ancestry, allegiance, character, or purpose with another or others. We have none of these. She is not my blood and we have no relationship to speak of. What then makes her my family?

So I find myself on the other side of the coin. I don’t want to talk to her and really want nothing to do with her, but she won’t leave me alone and I presume is somewhat confused about what’s happened. She only wants to work things out and make things better; I don’t feel like dealing with her anymore. And I imagine this is how Rudy is feeling about me. Ironic...