Yesterday I asked Rudy if he was going to come by. I ask him every Monday and Wednesday because he teaches a martial arts class at the Lifetime fitness right next to my apartment. But he came by on Sunday and he's NEVER come by 2 days in a row. I ask him anyways. He says, maybe. We talk for a bit through texts and it gets closer to when he would be coming by. I ask again, he says probably not.
About 5 minutes later there is one loud, strong BANG on my door. It’s done that before and I guess it’s the wind, or some kinds playing games. I get up and look out the peep hole, I don’t see anyone. I slowly open the door and Rudy is standing there leaning on the door frame. My heart is in my throat and my stomach is doing summersaults. This is a glimpse of who he used to be; playful, spontaneous, and almost romantic. He likes to keep me on my toes so I never know what’s coming next. But in a really good way, an exciting, impulsive, sweep you off your feet kind of way.
He stays for a little over an hour. I kissed him on the cheek and snuggled a little bit while he held Lucian. A few hours after he leaves I get a text “kind of disappointing you didn’t do anything”. He means I didn’t kiss him on the mouth. We flirt back and forth about this for a bit. I tell him that I will eventually, maybe before the week is out. And I give him a hard time that he isn’t making any moves. He says it’s because he has ‘restraint’. I tell him that I don’t buy it and he’s just afraid. He says that he’s not afraid but he’s not going to do anything about the fact that he wants to kiss me too. We talk for 2 hours on text messages. By that time I’m in my PJs and sitting in bed feeding Lucian. Here’s how the conversation wrapped up…
I say ‘before the week is over, I’ll kiss you, so long as you come over…but you know this will change things’
‘How’
‘It just will, I don’t know how, kissing someone always changes things….didn’t we sleep together like the day after we kissed for the first time?’
‘Possibly’
‘I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, is certainly wasn’t a bad thing then ;) good lord was it a good thing ;-)’
‘hmm’
‘hmm what?’
‘just hmm’
‘ok then’
‘k?’
‘yeah, ok :) I wish you were here right now, I’d kiss you and hold you’
‘whys that?’
‘Cause I want to, I want to remember how good it felt, kissing you, holding you in bed laying together.’
‘why’
‘why not, it was a really good feeling, and I’ve thought about it for a long time. Do you know how hard it is to sleep alone in the bed where we slept together? Where we made our son….it sucks’
Just then there was a knock at the door…
‘are you here?’
‘yes’
I thought my stomach was doing summersaults before, I surprised I didn’t throw up this time! I open the door and he has a change of clothes in his hands and says…
‘I have to leave by 6:30’
I’m speechless and stammer and stutter trying to piece it all together in my mind.
He says again, ‘I have to leave by 6:30’
‘do you want me to make you a spot on the couch…or did...you want to…sleep… in the bed?’
He says coyly, ‘why do you think I’m here’
‘ok, I’m just asking’
I scurry around clearing the bed where I keep everything for Lucian at night; diapers, wipes, pacifiers, blankets for burping, wash clothes for wiping droll. Rudy finds a place to put his things. We brush by each other in the little hallway. He says, ‘don’t read too much into this’.
I respond assuredly ‘I’m not’
We get in the bed with less awkwardness than one might think. I had been feeding Lucian when he showed up so I needed to finish. Rudy lays down and pretends he’s not looking at me. I always sleep with Lucian in the bed with me. (Maybe not the safest thing, but it’s how he sleeps best, otherwise he just throws up over and over and over. Plus I’m a VERY light sleeper to begin with, so I'm not really worried about it.) I turn out the light and lay down with Lucian on my chest. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Rudy staring at us. I roll over away from him, Lucian in front of me but still facing me. I quietly say ‘come here’. Rudy fidgets a minute. ‘Please?’ ‘hang on a minute’. He spoons us both; his arm around my waist, hand on Lucian’s back. We sleep that way for a few hours.
Then it’s time to feed Lucian again. I feed him and Rudy asks if I’ll put him in the bassinette, he’s having trouble sleeping. I put Lucian in his bed and Rudy scoots close and grabs me. We hold each other the rest of the night. In the morning he gets dressed and I walk him to the door with Lucian in my arms. He kisses Lucian and hugs me; I tell him to have a good day. It was almost like we were a family.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Catching up
Rudy's car broke down about 2 weeks ago. It needs a new engine and he still owes money on it! I like to think that's a little bit of Karma coming back around. So his dad offered to help him get a new car. Well not new but another car. They went out a few days and found something. The day after he bought it, a tire FALLS off of the new car. I think Karma is getting a little out of hand. I mean really give the poor guy a chance to get up before you push him back down at least! Apparently he called his mom crying, hysterical and ready to just give up on life. He really has had a string of bad luck here lately. He had borrowed a car from a friend before he found the car that broke and now had nowhere else to turn. Luckily they were able to return the car and get their money back from the guy that sold it to them. But now he’s back to square one with no car.
I had offered my car to him when his car first broke down. It’s just sitting there and I really only need to go somewhere like once a week. Rudy needs to get to work, how else is he going to help pay for this baby? When his ‘new’ car broke, he asked me how long he could borrow my car. I told him I really didn’t need it until Lucian’s doctor appointment this Wednesday. So last Tuesday he came and got my car. I started getting low on diapers and asked Rudy if he would come by and let me go get some or would he please bring us some. I figured I’d have to go out and get them, but that was fine because it would give me a chance to get out of the house.
He was going to come by on Friday evening. That afternoon I get a text, ‘what kind of diapers do you need?’ Whoa! Wait, what? He’s actually going to bring us diapers! So I tell him and figure that he’ll show up with a 24 pack or something of diapers that will last us 2 or 3 days at best. He shows up with a huge box of diapers, I’m floored. Rudy’s friend Garrett comes with him; which is fine, he is actually a good buffer and I think he’s on my side ;-) We hang out for a while and watch Shrek the third on TV. Rudy is sitting really close to me on the couch even though there is plenty of room. He’s even leaning towards me with Lucian in his arms.
We flirt and pick on each other back and forth. Dawn (Rudy’s mom) had invited me to her house for Thanksgiving and she offered to come pick me up since Rudy has my car. We figured he’d never come pick us up and take us there because he would feel too awkward driving us and showing up together, like a family. I ask Rudy if he is going to his parents for Thanksgiving. “Did you want to go?” He loves to answer a question with a question. I tell him, yes. “I’ll come get you then.” I try not to show my shock and how pleased I am with this response all over my face. I’m sure I fail at this attempt. “I’d like that very much.”
He tells me that he doesn’t want to stay very long though. I had talked to Dawn the day before and she said that I could make the Turkey if I wanted to, because I REALLY do. I make a killer crock pot turkey and kind of wanted to show that off to his family. So I tell Rudy that I’m making the turkey so we might need to be there for a while.
“you’re not making the turkey, I have 23 years of tradition of my mom making the turkey, you’re not going to ruin it.”
“who said I would ruin it, I make a killer crock pot turkey”
“that’s fine, we can have it another time, NOT Thanksgiving. I’m gonna call my mom right now and tell her” the tone of all of this was VERY light and playful.
Rudy says something about how he's crushing all my hopes and dreams. I say, "well it's not the first time". He ignores me and starts talking about traditions again and says something about crushing my hopes and dreams being a new tradition. I say “then you should only do it once a year”. He sheepishly, playfully says “bitch”. So I kiss him. On the check, to ‘make it better’. Apparently this opened the door to all kinds of conversations and to a WHOLE other person. No Rudy has pulled a total 180!
He brought me diapers, took me shopping and offered to take me to see New Moon if I could find a sitter (which is NO problem!). I've no idea what's going on and I'm treading lightly but am VERY excited at the same time! He asked me why I kissed him and we talked about that some, he said that he wanted to kiss me too but that he doesn't want a relationship which to me means that he has feelings for me but is scared and doesn't want to get hurt. I have NO idea what's going on, and I DO realize that things could blow up in my face at ANY minute for ANY reason...but this has to be a good thing! right?
I had offered my car to him when his car first broke down. It’s just sitting there and I really only need to go somewhere like once a week. Rudy needs to get to work, how else is he going to help pay for this baby? When his ‘new’ car broke, he asked me how long he could borrow my car. I told him I really didn’t need it until Lucian’s doctor appointment this Wednesday. So last Tuesday he came and got my car. I started getting low on diapers and asked Rudy if he would come by and let me go get some or would he please bring us some. I figured I’d have to go out and get them, but that was fine because it would give me a chance to get out of the house.
He was going to come by on Friday evening. That afternoon I get a text, ‘what kind of diapers do you need?’ Whoa! Wait, what? He’s actually going to bring us diapers! So I tell him and figure that he’ll show up with a 24 pack or something of diapers that will last us 2 or 3 days at best. He shows up with a huge box of diapers, I’m floored. Rudy’s friend Garrett comes with him; which is fine, he is actually a good buffer and I think he’s on my side ;-) We hang out for a while and watch Shrek the third on TV. Rudy is sitting really close to me on the couch even though there is plenty of room. He’s even leaning towards me with Lucian in his arms.
We flirt and pick on each other back and forth. Dawn (Rudy’s mom) had invited me to her house for Thanksgiving and she offered to come pick me up since Rudy has my car. We figured he’d never come pick us up and take us there because he would feel too awkward driving us and showing up together, like a family. I ask Rudy if he is going to his parents for Thanksgiving. “Did you want to go?” He loves to answer a question with a question. I tell him, yes. “I’ll come get you then.” I try not to show my shock and how pleased I am with this response all over my face. I’m sure I fail at this attempt. “I’d like that very much.”
He tells me that he doesn’t want to stay very long though. I had talked to Dawn the day before and she said that I could make the Turkey if I wanted to, because I REALLY do. I make a killer crock pot turkey and kind of wanted to show that off to his family. So I tell Rudy that I’m making the turkey so we might need to be there for a while.
“you’re not making the turkey, I have 23 years of tradition of my mom making the turkey, you’re not going to ruin it.”
“who said I would ruin it, I make a killer crock pot turkey”
“that’s fine, we can have it another time, NOT Thanksgiving. I’m gonna call my mom right now and tell her” the tone of all of this was VERY light and playful.
Rudy says something about how he's crushing all my hopes and dreams. I say, "well it's not the first time". He ignores me and starts talking about traditions again and says something about crushing my hopes and dreams being a new tradition. I say “then you should only do it once a year”. He sheepishly, playfully says “bitch”. So I kiss him. On the check, to ‘make it better’. Apparently this opened the door to all kinds of conversations and to a WHOLE other person. No Rudy has pulled a total 180!
He brought me diapers, took me shopping and offered to take me to see New Moon if I could find a sitter (which is NO problem!). I've no idea what's going on and I'm treading lightly but am VERY excited at the same time! He asked me why I kissed him and we talked about that some, he said that he wanted to kiss me too but that he doesn't want a relationship which to me means that he has feelings for me but is scared and doesn't want to get hurt. I have NO idea what's going on, and I DO realize that things could blow up in my face at ANY minute for ANY reason...but this has to be a good thing! right?
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Stagnant
Things are starting to get hard. Day is the same as Night and every day is the same and every night is the same...I'm pretty isolated and starting to get depressed cause it's SO lonely. This is week 4, so I guess it makes sense that I'm starting to feel this way by now.
I'm not eating the way I should, you know me. I don't eat that much to start with and when I get going on something I just forget that I need to eat. I probably have 1 good meal a day and some little snacks here and there. But it might be 1 o’clock before I put anything in my mouth. Or I’ll eat at 9 and then not eat another thing until 7 or 8 that night.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being with Lucian but I'm really anxious to get back to work and in a routine. I need human contact! I need something outside these 4 walls. I think it would be easier if there was someone to come home each night... something to look forward to, tell me about their day and take over with Lucian for just a bit so that I don’t have to be ALWAYS on. Are other single mothers THIS single?
Lucian has been very demanding lately. He wants to eat every hour/ hour and a half, day and night. Then he throws up almost every time, several times. So I try to keep him upright to help get burps out. But no matter how long I keep him upright, the minute I lay him down (even just to change his diaper) he throws up; even if he's been upright for an hour and burped several times. I think he's gaining weight pretty well so I try not to worry about it too much. It's just time consuming and feels very defeating when I can't keep him from throwing up. The doctor said it was most likely just because he was so early and his little system is still developing and figuring out how to work.
My mom brought me a 2 page note from the family that took care of me in foster care before they got me. It talks about my personality and behaviors, and a lot about my eyes :-) One of the things in the note talks about how I throw up all the time. It says even when they lay me down to change my diaper to put something under my head, because I will likely throw up. Ha, I’ve waited all my life to have some behavior in common with a blood relative…and the behavior I get is throwing up. Figures! Hahaha I’m hoping he will outgrow this pretty quickly.
Physically I'm still healing. I'm still bleeding like an average to heavy period, my stitches are still pretty sore and I have to spray them with this numbing stuff several times a day. And I don't have any stamina. If I go to meet someone for lunch or run to the store I almost always need a nap when I get home. It's very frustrating because I'm not the type of person to just sit around. And it’s even more frustrating because I have my body back and emotionally I really want to ‘get out there’ and be cute and meet someone just to have fun with and rebound on. And I can’t. I still have no idea what's going on with Rudy...in terms of his involvement with this son and with me. I get such mixed signals for both!
So the one word I would use to describe my life right now is stagnant. And I HATE stagnant! I feel like Blanch from the Golden Girls. She is talking to one of the other girls and is describing how she feels. She says she’s not scared so she wouldn’t call herself ‘yellow’. She’s not sad so she wouldn’t call it ‘blue’. She calls that feeling ‘magenta’ and says “I hate feeling that way and I hate the color magenta!”
I want so badly to move forward, and I can’t yet. Lucian requires so much attention right now that at the end of the day I don’t even feel like I’ve accomplished anything. I’ll get half a load of laundry done, make one meal, get a shower, empty the diapers out of the trash can but not get a new bag in there…everything gets done halfway…and you know that is NOT my personality. I like to do everything over the top! It’s just hard right now…I’m sure it will get better soon. Perhaps I'm supposed to learn patience from this....
I'm not eating the way I should, you know me. I don't eat that much to start with and when I get going on something I just forget that I need to eat. I probably have 1 good meal a day and some little snacks here and there. But it might be 1 o’clock before I put anything in my mouth. Or I’ll eat at 9 and then not eat another thing until 7 or 8 that night.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being with Lucian but I'm really anxious to get back to work and in a routine. I need human contact! I need something outside these 4 walls. I think it would be easier if there was someone to come home each night... something to look forward to, tell me about their day and take over with Lucian for just a bit so that I don’t have to be ALWAYS on. Are other single mothers THIS single?
Lucian has been very demanding lately. He wants to eat every hour/ hour and a half, day and night. Then he throws up almost every time, several times. So I try to keep him upright to help get burps out. But no matter how long I keep him upright, the minute I lay him down (even just to change his diaper) he throws up; even if he's been upright for an hour and burped several times. I think he's gaining weight pretty well so I try not to worry about it too much. It's just time consuming and feels very defeating when I can't keep him from throwing up. The doctor said it was most likely just because he was so early and his little system is still developing and figuring out how to work.
My mom brought me a 2 page note from the family that took care of me in foster care before they got me. It talks about my personality and behaviors, and a lot about my eyes :-) One of the things in the note talks about how I throw up all the time. It says even when they lay me down to change my diaper to put something under my head, because I will likely throw up. Ha, I’ve waited all my life to have some behavior in common with a blood relative…and the behavior I get is throwing up. Figures! Hahaha I’m hoping he will outgrow this pretty quickly.
Physically I'm still healing. I'm still bleeding like an average to heavy period, my stitches are still pretty sore and I have to spray them with this numbing stuff several times a day. And I don't have any stamina. If I go to meet someone for lunch or run to the store I almost always need a nap when I get home. It's very frustrating because I'm not the type of person to just sit around. And it’s even more frustrating because I have my body back and emotionally I really want to ‘get out there’ and be cute and meet someone just to have fun with and rebound on. And I can’t. I still have no idea what's going on with Rudy...in terms of his involvement with this son and with me. I get such mixed signals for both!
So the one word I would use to describe my life right now is stagnant. And I HATE stagnant! I feel like Blanch from the Golden Girls. She is talking to one of the other girls and is describing how she feels. She says she’s not scared so she wouldn’t call herself ‘yellow’. She’s not sad so she wouldn’t call it ‘blue’. She calls that feeling ‘magenta’ and says “I hate feeling that way and I hate the color magenta!”
I want so badly to move forward, and I can’t yet. Lucian requires so much attention right now that at the end of the day I don’t even feel like I’ve accomplished anything. I’ll get half a load of laundry done, make one meal, get a shower, empty the diapers out of the trash can but not get a new bag in there…everything gets done halfway…and you know that is NOT my personality. I like to do everything over the top! It’s just hard right now…I’m sure it will get better soon. Perhaps I'm supposed to learn patience from this....
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Labor Part 2
So then the nurse said it was time to get back into bed and they were going to put the monitors on me for about 20 mins. The monitors go around the outside of my belly and track my contractions and the baby's heart rate. They wanted me to lay back while I was on the monitors. The problem is that when a contraction came I felt the urge in my body to sit up. When I would do this they would lose the baby's heart rate and it looked like he was in trouble when he really might not be. The nurse explained that if I wanted to do this naturally I had to lay back so they could track Lucian's heart rate.
But sitting up was compulsive. I had no control over it, it's just what my body said it needed to do. And contractions were stronger, coming faster and faster and lasting longer. The only comparison I can make for it is this: it's like if your hand was being smashed under something really heavy and you were told that you have to leave it there, while your body is telling you to move it. A nearly impossible task.
It's right about this time that there is a knock on the door. It's Rudy's dad, Bob. He had been in and out, which didn't bother me at all. But this time he wasn't coming in, he just cracked the door and didn't even poke his head in. He stood out of sight, and said that he had Rudy with him. Being delirious and in the middle of labor I intelligently said “Does he want to come in?” No, Taryn, he’s standing outside your door knocking because he doesn’t want to come in.
They come in. Rudy sits on the couch which is horrifically located directly at the foot of my bed. He’s front and center to all of my glory! I have a contraction, it passes. I tell Rudy that I have a birthday present for him in my car and ask him to go get it. I’ve been trying to give this gift to him for weeks. I tell him not to open it until he gets back up here. I have another really strong contraction while he’s gone. By the time he gets back though it’s like nothing’s happened. The contractions are strange that way. When they hit it’s like all hell has broken lose. But once they’re gone it’s as if they were never even there! He opens the gift and gives me a genuine thank you looking in my eyes.
He got there just in time because just after he opened his gift things really started moving. And not in the direction I had hoped. The nurses now tell me that we’re going to have to do internal monitoring. Ok, that doesn’t sound too bad, maybe then I can actually sit up like I want to. I couldn’t have been more wrong. For internal monitoring they have to screw something into Lucian’s head. You read that right, screw something in his head; while he’s still inside me.
So a nurse or doctor or someone comes in and they tell me to lay flat. Lay flat! Not just lay back a little like before, now I have to lay flat! That in itself hurts. So I lay flat. This person then puts her entire arm inside me. She is like a salmon swimming upstream when my body is trying to push everything out! All I could see was her shoulder…I can only guess where the rest of her arm was. I am literally screaming bloody murder, I’ve never heard the sounds that came out of my mouth and I have no idea where they came from. I couldn’t help it. It felt like my body was actually being ripped apart from the inside.
They finish and I recover a bit from the trauma. I am still not allowed to sit up and they tell me to roll over on my side to see if that helps. It doesn’t. I hear the nurses talking; they’ve done something wrong with the monitoring and are going to have to do it AGAIN! I want to scream out “hell no you don’t; you had your chance, and you fucked it up, too bad!” But I’m in too much pain to say or do anything!
They turn me over and back up they go. It was just as bad as the last time.
This whole time Rudy is just sitting at the foot of the bed, just across the room. I’ve got no idea what he’s thinking or how he’s reacting to all of this. I’m quite the spectacle I’m sure.
I say that I feel the need to push. The nurses tell me that I can’t I’m only 7 cm. They check me again and say I’m at 9 now. I tell them that I need to push, they still say that I can’t I’m only at 9. I think in my head “check it again, because I need to push” I’m honestly not sure if I said anything or not. The doctor with the great bedside manner shows up and tells me “hold on I’m gonna go change clothes, you’re only at 9 you can’t push yet” I’m sorry, what?! Hold on? You’re going to change clothes…to what something that matches your eyes better! NO, it’s time to push, I will not hold on!
The next thing I know a nurse has grabbed Rudy and brought him up by my head. I hear him say very quietly “I don’t know what to do” he sounded so small, and helpless. The nurse puts his hand under my head and I start to push.
Pushing was WAY harder than I thought it would be. And it’s ironic. You feel the need to push but when you do it HURTS! I push and push and feel like my legs are going to fall off because I’m breaking my hips in half. I feel a few little pricks and then a pain that I cannot describe because my body didn’t let me feel it, it was so intense. I sit straight up and reach down to push the doctor away from me. She’s cut me before I am numb. I scream “THAT HURT!” Glaring at the doctor. Everyone grabs me and is trying to make me lay back down (why I don’t know, I really would have done so much better if they would let me sit up some! It’s like trying to take a crap laying down!! Who does that?) I’m hysterical and not listening to anyone. They say that I have to push, I just shake my head no. You just cut me! Now you want me to push in the same place you cut me!!! You’ve lost your mind!
The doctor tells me the cord is around Lucian’s neck his heart rate is dropping. He is too small to use the suction cup to get him out, I have to push now. Everyone is yelling at me to push and I think it would just be easier to die. Through it all I hear my name right beside my head. “Taryn!” it was Rudy. Everything else in the room fell away. I only saw his face and heard his voice. He said “You wanted to do this, and you’re gonna do it” He held up his hand for me to take. We held hands and he pulled in close, we looked at each other for a min. I pushed.
After each push I grunted. I’m a very vocal person to start with and this was really strenuous work; it called for some grunting. Not that I could help myself anyway. Lucian’s head was out. They didn’t wait for me to push again, the doctor just pulled him out. I heard it. I don’t remember hearing him cry. I just remember being glad it was over. They held him just over my right thigh and asked Rudy if he wanted to cut the cord. He said “I don’t know what to do”. They showed him. He cut the cord and Lucian was whisked away to the warmer in the corner. I had more work to do.
Now I had to deliver the placenta. No one told me there would be more pushing. So I push and the doctor pulls on the umbilical cord and pushes on my stomach. It was not pleasant. A nurse comes to remove the wires from my inner thigh that were tapped there for Lucians monitoring. She briskly rips them off in one fail swoop. I cry out “Ouch!” “it’s only tape” she tells me. I’m dumbfounded. Yeah it’s only tape that you just ripped from my inner thigh!!! That area is already on high alert!
Next I get stitched up. I’m still not entirely numb and I feel several of the passes of the semi-circle hook of a needle. I exclaim, “ouch!” The ever sensitive doctor says “yeah, I know” I’m not given anymore numbing shots.
Finally I get to see my baby. He has on a tiny little oxygen mask. A nurse is telling me something about his breathing and that he’s going to the NICU. He’s gone before I really even get to see him. Rudy goes to the NICU with Lucian and then comes back a while later to give me an update on how he’s doing and to check on me.
Lucian is off of the oxygen but they have to give him something to help keep his lungs inflated. I ask Rudy, “so what do you think about all of this?” He makes an overwhelmed face.
I say “I know, fucking crazy huh?”
“no one told me it would be that intense” he says
“yeah, no one told me either”
We squeeze hands for a min and just take in the moment. Then he leaves to go back with Lucian.
Two hours after giving birth I walk down the hall to a new clean room. Rudy leaves once I’m settled in the new room. We share a very strong lingering hug.
I’m so tired and all I want is to go see my baby. I know I don’t have the strength to walk down to the NICU and I’m too delirious to think to ask for a wheelchair. I eventually make it down there and get to feed Lucian for the first time. Incredible!
Lucian got to come to the room at about 11 that night. I slept for about an hour that night. Well it was 6 in the morning by the time I finally gave in. I could hardly blink; I didn’t want to take my eyes off him. I couldn’t believe he was there, that he was mine. That I brought him into the world, I created him. He was magnificent, the most amazing thing I’d ever seen.
The next day we had a dozen people come to see us! Five hours of visitors. It was wonderful! The love and support was overwhelming. We are SO lucky!
Rudy came to visit that next day. He sat in a chair staring at Lucian for almost 2 hours. When he left he offered a hug. Again strong and lingering. I asked him while we were hugging "We're really gonna do this huh?" He said "yeah".
Lucian and I both got to come home the next day. I walked in to deliver my baby and I walked out of the hospital 2 days later :-)
But sitting up was compulsive. I had no control over it, it's just what my body said it needed to do. And contractions were stronger, coming faster and faster and lasting longer. The only comparison I can make for it is this: it's like if your hand was being smashed under something really heavy and you were told that you have to leave it there, while your body is telling you to move it. A nearly impossible task.
It's right about this time that there is a knock on the door. It's Rudy's dad, Bob. He had been in and out, which didn't bother me at all. But this time he wasn't coming in, he just cracked the door and didn't even poke his head in. He stood out of sight, and said that he had Rudy with him. Being delirious and in the middle of labor I intelligently said “Does he want to come in?” No, Taryn, he’s standing outside your door knocking because he doesn’t want to come in.
They come in. Rudy sits on the couch which is horrifically located directly at the foot of my bed. He’s front and center to all of my glory! I have a contraction, it passes. I tell Rudy that I have a birthday present for him in my car and ask him to go get it. I’ve been trying to give this gift to him for weeks. I tell him not to open it until he gets back up here. I have another really strong contraction while he’s gone. By the time he gets back though it’s like nothing’s happened. The contractions are strange that way. When they hit it’s like all hell has broken lose. But once they’re gone it’s as if they were never even there! He opens the gift and gives me a genuine thank you looking in my eyes.
He got there just in time because just after he opened his gift things really started moving. And not in the direction I had hoped. The nurses now tell me that we’re going to have to do internal monitoring. Ok, that doesn’t sound too bad, maybe then I can actually sit up like I want to. I couldn’t have been more wrong. For internal monitoring they have to screw something into Lucian’s head. You read that right, screw something in his head; while he’s still inside me.
So a nurse or doctor or someone comes in and they tell me to lay flat. Lay flat! Not just lay back a little like before, now I have to lay flat! That in itself hurts. So I lay flat. This person then puts her entire arm inside me. She is like a salmon swimming upstream when my body is trying to push everything out! All I could see was her shoulder…I can only guess where the rest of her arm was. I am literally screaming bloody murder, I’ve never heard the sounds that came out of my mouth and I have no idea where they came from. I couldn’t help it. It felt like my body was actually being ripped apart from the inside.
They finish and I recover a bit from the trauma. I am still not allowed to sit up and they tell me to roll over on my side to see if that helps. It doesn’t. I hear the nurses talking; they’ve done something wrong with the monitoring and are going to have to do it AGAIN! I want to scream out “hell no you don’t; you had your chance, and you fucked it up, too bad!” But I’m in too much pain to say or do anything!
They turn me over and back up they go. It was just as bad as the last time.
This whole time Rudy is just sitting at the foot of the bed, just across the room. I’ve got no idea what he’s thinking or how he’s reacting to all of this. I’m quite the spectacle I’m sure.
I say that I feel the need to push. The nurses tell me that I can’t I’m only 7 cm. They check me again and say I’m at 9 now. I tell them that I need to push, they still say that I can’t I’m only at 9. I think in my head “check it again, because I need to push” I’m honestly not sure if I said anything or not. The doctor with the great bedside manner shows up and tells me “hold on I’m gonna go change clothes, you’re only at 9 you can’t push yet” I’m sorry, what?! Hold on? You’re going to change clothes…to what something that matches your eyes better! NO, it’s time to push, I will not hold on!
The next thing I know a nurse has grabbed Rudy and brought him up by my head. I hear him say very quietly “I don’t know what to do” he sounded so small, and helpless. The nurse puts his hand under my head and I start to push.
Pushing was WAY harder than I thought it would be. And it’s ironic. You feel the need to push but when you do it HURTS! I push and push and feel like my legs are going to fall off because I’m breaking my hips in half. I feel a few little pricks and then a pain that I cannot describe because my body didn’t let me feel it, it was so intense. I sit straight up and reach down to push the doctor away from me. She’s cut me before I am numb. I scream “THAT HURT!” Glaring at the doctor. Everyone grabs me and is trying to make me lay back down (why I don’t know, I really would have done so much better if they would let me sit up some! It’s like trying to take a crap laying down!! Who does that?) I’m hysterical and not listening to anyone. They say that I have to push, I just shake my head no. You just cut me! Now you want me to push in the same place you cut me!!! You’ve lost your mind!
The doctor tells me the cord is around Lucian’s neck his heart rate is dropping. He is too small to use the suction cup to get him out, I have to push now. Everyone is yelling at me to push and I think it would just be easier to die. Through it all I hear my name right beside my head. “Taryn!” it was Rudy. Everything else in the room fell away. I only saw his face and heard his voice. He said “You wanted to do this, and you’re gonna do it” He held up his hand for me to take. We held hands and he pulled in close, we looked at each other for a min. I pushed.
After each push I grunted. I’m a very vocal person to start with and this was really strenuous work; it called for some grunting. Not that I could help myself anyway. Lucian’s head was out. They didn’t wait for me to push again, the doctor just pulled him out. I heard it. I don’t remember hearing him cry. I just remember being glad it was over. They held him just over my right thigh and asked Rudy if he wanted to cut the cord. He said “I don’t know what to do”. They showed him. He cut the cord and Lucian was whisked away to the warmer in the corner. I had more work to do.
Now I had to deliver the placenta. No one told me there would be more pushing. So I push and the doctor pulls on the umbilical cord and pushes on my stomach. It was not pleasant. A nurse comes to remove the wires from my inner thigh that were tapped there for Lucians monitoring. She briskly rips them off in one fail swoop. I cry out “Ouch!” “it’s only tape” she tells me. I’m dumbfounded. Yeah it’s only tape that you just ripped from my inner thigh!!! That area is already on high alert!
Next I get stitched up. I’m still not entirely numb and I feel several of the passes of the semi-circle hook of a needle. I exclaim, “ouch!” The ever sensitive doctor says “yeah, I know” I’m not given anymore numbing shots.
Finally I get to see my baby. He has on a tiny little oxygen mask. A nurse is telling me something about his breathing and that he’s going to the NICU. He’s gone before I really even get to see him. Rudy goes to the NICU with Lucian and then comes back a while later to give me an update on how he’s doing and to check on me.
Lucian is off of the oxygen but they have to give him something to help keep his lungs inflated. I ask Rudy, “so what do you think about all of this?” He makes an overwhelmed face.
I say “I know, fucking crazy huh?”
“no one told me it would be that intense” he says
“yeah, no one told me either”
We squeeze hands for a min and just take in the moment. Then he leaves to go back with Lucian.
Two hours after giving birth I walk down the hall to a new clean room. Rudy leaves once I’m settled in the new room. We share a very strong lingering hug.
I’m so tired and all I want is to go see my baby. I know I don’t have the strength to walk down to the NICU and I’m too delirious to think to ask for a wheelchair. I eventually make it down there and get to feed Lucian for the first time. Incredible!
Lucian got to come to the room at about 11 that night. I slept for about an hour that night. Well it was 6 in the morning by the time I finally gave in. I could hardly blink; I didn’t want to take my eyes off him. I couldn’t believe he was there, that he was mine. That I brought him into the world, I created him. He was magnificent, the most amazing thing I’d ever seen.
The next day we had a dozen people come to see us! Five hours of visitors. It was wonderful! The love and support was overwhelming. We are SO lucky!
Rudy came to visit that next day. He sat in a chair staring at Lucian for almost 2 hours. When he left he offered a hug. Again strong and lingering. I asked him while we were hugging "We're really gonna do this huh?" He said "yeah".
Lucian and I both got to come home the next day. I walked in to deliver my baby and I walked out of the hospital 2 days later :-)
Monday, November 9, 2009
Unbelievable
Rudy was supposed to come by tonight, for the first time in a week! And literally minutes before I was expecting him he sends a text: 'I have to run a couple errands and I'll have someone with me'
I respond "umm I wish you would have told me all of that sooner, who is with you?'
'Isaac'
I'm thinking who the fuck is Isaac?
I tell Rudy "Lucian is ready to eat, I was holding off so that you could do it, who is that? I'm sure you know I'm upset about this"
"You feed him; I have to run a couple of errands, why"
He really wants to know why I'm upset about this...really?
'Think how you felt when I would just show up at the dojo, it's the same thing only you’re bringing a stranger, uninvited to my home. I have to go ahead and feed Lucian he can't wait anymore and he's awake, probably be asleep by the time you get here"
"Oh anybody that you know can meet Lucian but someone that I want to meet him can't fuck that shit."
"Whatever...you know actually I'm not comfortable with this, you'll have to come another time, this is not fair of you, this is MY home, and when you decide to be truly involved then you can have a say too, you can't just spring shit on me"
"He’s my son too damn it"
"Then ACT like it!!! You've done NOTHING for him!"
"And so you know Isaac was there when he was born he has been my best support'
"That’s great, I have no idea who he is, and you cannot just invite people to MY house'
'Please change your attitude'
'Change your behavior, show me some respect...what I've been doing is NOT easy, and deserves some respect, you don't get to just pop in whenever it suits you with whomever you want'
'You have no idea what I've been doing so please let's stop before it gets worse'
'I'm sorry my mind is made, I'm not ok with this, I'm not saying you can't have people meet Lucian, you just need to give me some notice, this is still my home and I have a right to say who can be here'
'And I'm not coming over now cause of your reactions'
"haha no you’re not coming over because I told you that you couldn't, but ok'
'Damn you look at what you've been saying and truthfully tell me you're not being a bitch, don't text me'
"you’re the one missing out then, I have just finally decided to stop letting you shit on me, I'm setting up some expectations, you decide if you can meet them....I have been your doormat long enough, my patience has run out'
'I'm not shitting on you and please listen I said don't text me...oh god you're ridiculous'
'How is that?'
'right now it's were not having a conversation, I'm really upset and were not going to talk for 2 days, or at least I'm not responding'
"I’m really sorry to hear that, I wish that it surprised me that you can't talk about things, I'm very disappointed and sad for Lucian, it’s a shame'
'I can talk, but it's better to talk when calm and I'm far from calm'
"btw I was making you dinner and I got you disaronno, but you're right I'm a total bitch, thoughtless'
Ok so I might not have handled things the best, but the basic idea of what I was saying doesn’t change...and I stand by that. I'm so tired of just taking his shit and keeping my mouth shut! Enough already! Time to step up and be a father, not just a sperm donor!
He can't just invite strangers to my house and then not understanding why that upsets me...it's really not unreasonable of me. he’s been by twice in 2 weeks for about an hour and a half each time...not exactly father of the year. And it's almost always a last min thing, and then he just up and leaves all of a sudden.
Then he says that I’m being a bitch b/c I don’t' want strangers in my house when I didn't even know they were coming over until like 10 mins before hand. I'm so tired of trying to make things work with him when he won't even meet me a tenth of the way there. He's been so rude just flitting in and out whenever it suits him, acting like this is someone else's kid he's just going to visit...he's taken NO responsibility. Then he says that he's not coming over...like him coming over is doing ME a favor. ugh
I've been seeing a therapists and he has been encouraging me to set expectations and boundaries. So I’m trying to do that...I can only change myself and my behavior
I respond "umm I wish you would have told me all of that sooner, who is with you?'
'Isaac'
I'm thinking who the fuck is Isaac?
I tell Rudy "Lucian is ready to eat, I was holding off so that you could do it, who is that? I'm sure you know I'm upset about this"
"You feed him; I have to run a couple of errands, why"
He really wants to know why I'm upset about this...really?
'Think how you felt when I would just show up at the dojo, it's the same thing only you’re bringing a stranger, uninvited to my home. I have to go ahead and feed Lucian he can't wait anymore and he's awake, probably be asleep by the time you get here"
"Oh anybody that you know can meet Lucian but someone that I want to meet him can't fuck that shit."
"Whatever...you know actually I'm not comfortable with this, you'll have to come another time, this is not fair of you, this is MY home, and when you decide to be truly involved then you can have a say too, you can't just spring shit on me"
"He’s my son too damn it"
"Then ACT like it!!! You've done NOTHING for him!"
"And so you know Isaac was there when he was born he has been my best support'
"That’s great, I have no idea who he is, and you cannot just invite people to MY house'
'Please change your attitude'
'Change your behavior, show me some respect...what I've been doing is NOT easy, and deserves some respect, you don't get to just pop in whenever it suits you with whomever you want'
'You have no idea what I've been doing so please let's stop before it gets worse'
'I'm sorry my mind is made, I'm not ok with this, I'm not saying you can't have people meet Lucian, you just need to give me some notice, this is still my home and I have a right to say who can be here'
'And I'm not coming over now cause of your reactions'
"haha no you’re not coming over because I told you that you couldn't, but ok'
'Damn you look at what you've been saying and truthfully tell me you're not being a bitch, don't text me'
"you’re the one missing out then, I have just finally decided to stop letting you shit on me, I'm setting up some expectations, you decide if you can meet them....I have been your doormat long enough, my patience has run out'
'I'm not shitting on you and please listen I said don't text me...oh god you're ridiculous'
'How is that?'
'right now it's were not having a conversation, I'm really upset and were not going to talk for 2 days, or at least I'm not responding'
"I’m really sorry to hear that, I wish that it surprised me that you can't talk about things, I'm very disappointed and sad for Lucian, it’s a shame'
'I can talk, but it's better to talk when calm and I'm far from calm'
"btw I was making you dinner and I got you disaronno, but you're right I'm a total bitch, thoughtless'
Ok so I might not have handled things the best, but the basic idea of what I was saying doesn’t change...and I stand by that. I'm so tired of just taking his shit and keeping my mouth shut! Enough already! Time to step up and be a father, not just a sperm donor!
He can't just invite strangers to my house and then not understanding why that upsets me...it's really not unreasonable of me. he’s been by twice in 2 weeks for about an hour and a half each time...not exactly father of the year. And it's almost always a last min thing, and then he just up and leaves all of a sudden.
Then he says that I’m being a bitch b/c I don’t' want strangers in my house when I didn't even know they were coming over until like 10 mins before hand. I'm so tired of trying to make things work with him when he won't even meet me a tenth of the way there. He's been so rude just flitting in and out whenever it suits him, acting like this is someone else's kid he's just going to visit...he's taken NO responsibility. Then he says that he's not coming over...like him coming over is doing ME a favor. ugh
I've been seeing a therapists and he has been encouraging me to set expectations and boundaries. So I’m trying to do that...I can only change myself and my behavior
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Labor Part 1
My little boy, Lucian Alexander Trenconsky came on Sunday, October 25, 2009, 5 weeks early. He weighed 5 lbs 15 oz, and was 18.5 inches long.
After having cramps throughout the night I woke up with some spotting so I checked the what to expect book to see what was going on. It sounded like a bloody show, and the book said that baby would be here usually within 24 to 48 hours. So I called Dawn, Rudy’s mom and my coach. I told her what was going on and said that we should get our bags ready. Dawn said that I probably shouldn’t go to work the next day and that she would come stay with me that night incase anything happened. While we were on the phone I sat down at the computer. When I stood up there was a gush of water, I ran to the bathroom. I said ‘Umm, uhh, I’m wet. Really really wet.’
Dawn said “your water broke”
“uh huh” it was about 9:30am. She said she was on her way and we were going to the hospital. I asked her to call Rudy and let him know (I still didn’t have his phone number). But I still wasn’t having any contractions and really not even cramps. I ran around the apartment getting things together to take to the hospital. I figured I had a lot of time, it was 5 weeks early, no cramps or contractions…this might not happen for a day or so still yet. I called my parents to let them know what was going on. They were shocked to say the least! I told them I would call again later to let them know how things were going.
Dawn and Bab get to the apartment and we cart all of our stuff out to the cars and head to the hospital. The hospital is literally a 1 min drive and we got to there just after 11:00. By this time I was having contractions that were strong enough to make you stop walking and bend over. But I could still talk through them and they didn’t last very long or come very often. We get checked in and settled in our room. The room is HUGE and beautiful! Parker Adventist Hospital is fairly new and really nice. It has a warm, homey feeling and every room is private. The rooms are also equipped to have labor delivery and recovery all in the same place. Baby is supposed to be able to stay with you for everything once he’s born. They will give his first bath and check up in the room right there with you.
I get into my hospital gown and hooked up to monitors to track my contractions and the baby’s heartbeat. We sit for a while and the contractions start to get stronger. I take this opportunity to call mom and dad and let them know I’ve been checked in to the hospital and that the nurses say baby will be here by about dinner time tonight. The nurse comes back and says that they are gonna take me off the monitors and I can walk around and get into whatever positions I want to be comfortable. Dawn and I had just had our birthing class on the positions that might be comfortable during labor on Thursday. They will put me on the monitor for about 20 mins every hour. She suggests I try to go to the bathroom. So I get up and head to the bathroom, when I stand back up a big contraction hits and all I can say is ‘floor!’ I get down on my hands and knees in the bathroom and hee hee whoo my way through the biggest contraction so far. It ends and I stand back up to head towards the bed. I take one step and another contraction hits, just as strong. I get back down on the ground and Dawn presses on my lower back to offer some counter pressure…it felt GREAT!! The contraction ends and almost immediately another one starts. I can’t get up. Just about now the Dr comes in to introduce herself. My doctor, whom I LOVE, is of course on vacation. Ok so paint the picture: I’m on my hands and knees in the bathroom, hee hee whoing and she is introducing herself standing outside the bathroom. She says I’m Dr so and so, I’ll be delivering the baby today….whawn whawn whawn I have NO idea what she is saying. All I know is that she is NOT saying: how’s your pain level, how far apart are the contractions, what kind of pain management did you want, do you need any help. We’re off to a great start she and I.
So Dawn gets a big mat to put on the floor in the room and a birthing ball for me to sit on. I literally crawl out of the bathroom to the ball and throw my upper body over it. We finally get me up on the ball sitting; it felt AMAZING! Dawn kneels in front of me and we wrap our arms around each other, my head on her shoulder. The nurses come back in and check the print out from the monitor…from about 45 mins ago. She says “Well Taryn, it looks like your contractions are coming about every 2 mins and lasting about 45 seconds.” Dawn tells them, “No, they are lasting about 2 mins and coming every 30 seconds…that read out is from an hour ago, we’ve moved on” haha! I was progressing SO quickly. But Dawn and I were a great team, we were managing the pain and working our way through it. I still felt really good at this point about not having any pain management and doing it all naturally.
After having cramps throughout the night I woke up with some spotting so I checked the what to expect book to see what was going on. It sounded like a bloody show, and the book said that baby would be here usually within 24 to 48 hours. So I called Dawn, Rudy’s mom and my coach. I told her what was going on and said that we should get our bags ready. Dawn said that I probably shouldn’t go to work the next day and that she would come stay with me that night incase anything happened. While we were on the phone I sat down at the computer. When I stood up there was a gush of water, I ran to the bathroom. I said ‘Umm, uhh, I’m wet. Really really wet.’
Dawn said “your water broke”
“uh huh” it was about 9:30am. She said she was on her way and we were going to the hospital. I asked her to call Rudy and let him know (I still didn’t have his phone number). But I still wasn’t having any contractions and really not even cramps. I ran around the apartment getting things together to take to the hospital. I figured I had a lot of time, it was 5 weeks early, no cramps or contractions…this might not happen for a day or so still yet. I called my parents to let them know what was going on. They were shocked to say the least! I told them I would call again later to let them know how things were going.
Dawn and Bab get to the apartment and we cart all of our stuff out to the cars and head to the hospital. The hospital is literally a 1 min drive and we got to there just after 11:00. By this time I was having contractions that were strong enough to make you stop walking and bend over. But I could still talk through them and they didn’t last very long or come very often. We get checked in and settled in our room. The room is HUGE and beautiful! Parker Adventist Hospital is fairly new and really nice. It has a warm, homey feeling and every room is private. The rooms are also equipped to have labor delivery and recovery all in the same place. Baby is supposed to be able to stay with you for everything once he’s born. They will give his first bath and check up in the room right there with you.
I get into my hospital gown and hooked up to monitors to track my contractions and the baby’s heartbeat. We sit for a while and the contractions start to get stronger. I take this opportunity to call mom and dad and let them know I’ve been checked in to the hospital and that the nurses say baby will be here by about dinner time tonight. The nurse comes back and says that they are gonna take me off the monitors and I can walk around and get into whatever positions I want to be comfortable. Dawn and I had just had our birthing class on the positions that might be comfortable during labor on Thursday. They will put me on the monitor for about 20 mins every hour. She suggests I try to go to the bathroom. So I get up and head to the bathroom, when I stand back up a big contraction hits and all I can say is ‘floor!’ I get down on my hands and knees in the bathroom and hee hee whoo my way through the biggest contraction so far. It ends and I stand back up to head towards the bed. I take one step and another contraction hits, just as strong. I get back down on the ground and Dawn presses on my lower back to offer some counter pressure…it felt GREAT!! The contraction ends and almost immediately another one starts. I can’t get up. Just about now the Dr comes in to introduce herself. My doctor, whom I LOVE, is of course on vacation. Ok so paint the picture: I’m on my hands and knees in the bathroom, hee hee whoing and she is introducing herself standing outside the bathroom. She says I’m Dr so and so, I’ll be delivering the baby today….whawn whawn whawn I have NO idea what she is saying. All I know is that she is NOT saying: how’s your pain level, how far apart are the contractions, what kind of pain management did you want, do you need any help. We’re off to a great start she and I.
So Dawn gets a big mat to put on the floor in the room and a birthing ball for me to sit on. I literally crawl out of the bathroom to the ball and throw my upper body over it. We finally get me up on the ball sitting; it felt AMAZING! Dawn kneels in front of me and we wrap our arms around each other, my head on her shoulder. The nurses come back in and check the print out from the monitor…from about 45 mins ago. She says “Well Taryn, it looks like your contractions are coming about every 2 mins and lasting about 45 seconds.” Dawn tells them, “No, they are lasting about 2 mins and coming every 30 seconds…that read out is from an hour ago, we’ve moved on” haha! I was progressing SO quickly. But Dawn and I were a great team, we were managing the pain and working our way through it. I still felt really good at this point about not having any pain management and doing it all naturally.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Ironic
My sister thought that this would be a good time to 'work on our relationship'. Ya know, cause I don't really have anything else going on, and I have the energy and emotional stamina to deal with this right now… We have never gotten along very well and we almost never see things eye to eye. I’ve come to a place of acceptance around this idea; we will never have a sisterly relationship. She will never be able to give me what I think a sister should be; especially an older sister. We can be cordial and surface in dealing with each other. Keep in touch and up-to-date about each other’s lives. But when I have a bad day or a big decision to make, talking to Stacy about it will never be something that comes to mind as a possible fix. I truly believe that she is incapable of seeing things from any perspective other than her own. This is true so much so that she doesn’t even realize there is any other perspective; she doesn’t see what she is missing. She doesn’t think she is selfish because she can’t see anything other than herself. Bear with me, I’ve got to give a little background before I get to what happened last night/today. And I like to just copy and paste emails because it’s so much easier than me trying to rehash it in new words.
Back in May I scanned and emailed out the first ultrasound pics of Lucian! I was SO excited and couldn’t wait to share them with everyone! Here is what I said:
Hello everyone!
We had the first ultrasound today and here are the pics of baby! The baby was moving all around, the doctor said baby was dancing. I don't think baby was still for more than 3 seconds at a time.
Hope all is well! Lots of love to you all!
Taryn
How would you expect a sister to respond to this? Lots of well wishes, congratulations, and questions about how you’re feeling? Here is how Stacy responded:
Taryn,
You had made a comment a few months ago about how you wanted to name your child Avie if you had a girl. I didn't say anything at the time because It wasn't something that I needed to mention. It didn't seem that this was an issue, as you weren't having a baby anytime soon. Now that you are pregnant and though you don't know if you are having a girl yet I just wanted to let you know how much it would and did hurt me at the time to know that you would take my name for your child. I have waited my whole life to give my special name to my special little girl. I would hope that the comment you made about taking my name was just that. I have hoped and waited as long as I have dreamed about having a little girl that I could name her after me. My name is one of the great things that I have always wanted to pass to my baby girl. It is a total sign of my love for her being passed on. It is so much more than just a name to me. I just wanted to talk to you about this. It is VERY important to me for you to know how strongly I feel about this. Being that we are both adopted I think that you understand how important it is to have that special child of your own. That one person in the world that you know is your blood. A child you can look to and see yourself in them. And naming them after you is just a further affirmation of that love. If you want to talk about this I would be glad to, please call
Unreal. Talk about hurtful and selfish; she didn’t even mention the ultrasound pics. All she did was talk about herself, and tell me what I can’t do. Hmmmm. I responded very directly and honestly but probably out of too much hurt as well.
That’s fine Stacy. It’s funny to me that you NEVER mentioned naming your child that until Rylen was born. And that I had talked about it back when Stephen and I got pregnant, 5 yrs ago. I wanted to give the baby a family name, and I know how important that name was to Mom. But whatever. That's fine. I think it's probably better that I name my baby something else anyways. Rudy and I already have our names picked out. So don't worry. Thanks for asking if we had names picked out and what they were before sending this hurtful email. And couldn't you have waited until we know the sex of the baby to bring this up? It might not even be a girl, then you brought this up for nothing.
Thanks for responding to my last email also. I reached out to you and you said nothing and did nothing. Now you send me this email...now think about why I feel the way I do about our relationship. So not only do you not respond to me when I try to reach out to you, but then I reach out again and send you the first pictures of my baby and you don't even mention them! But instead talk about yourself and how I can't name my baby what you want to name your baby. That's pretty selfish Stacy. Do you see why I said that it wasn't just kid stuff and that you still hurt me now that we're adults? If you want to have a relationship with me, try thinking about other people's feelings some of the time.
I am really hurt by your email and I am very frustrated that you continue to think of yourself first and expect me to want a relationship with you. I don't know what to do anymore Stacy.
Taryn,
My email was not intended to upset you or to seem selfish. I just wanted to let you know how I feel and have always felt about naming my child after me, should I be fortunate enough to have a little girl. It has always been my dream since I was a child to have a little girl named Avie. That is my legacy to her. My love and my name is what I wish to pass on. I just wanted you to know how I felt.
Then the next day out of no where Stacy sends this:
Congratulations! The pictures are great. Thanks for sharing. This is an exciting time. Enjoy it.
Love,
Stacy, Mike and Rylen
Like the other email has never been sent, like some sort of unspoken 'do over'. After not talking to her for a while things move along cautiously.
July 23, 2009
Stacy,
Sorry that we haven't been able to connect on the phone. Things are so crazy right now with mom and dad coming out and trying to find another job. I've been so tired at the end of the day that I can barely make myself anything to eat. I've been feeling really down and don't much feel like talking to anyone.
Thank you for reaching out to me. I just need to be alone right now.
Taryn
July 24, 2009
I am sorry that you are feeling down. Just keep your spirits up and stay healthy. You aren't alone. You have your little one to care for and think about. (Trust me.. it will be a long time before you get a moment alone again)
Have fun with Mom and Dad.
Call me when you feel like talking.
Love, Stacy
Over the next months I occasionally reach out a few different ways on Facebook; post things on her wall, comment on things Stacy’s posts about Rylen, and even sent her an IM. The response I got sends me the message that she is not interested in talking to me. So I abandon all efforts and decide that I’ve finally had enough; I’ve got WAY too much on my plate right now to deal with this anyways. Then I get an email…
October 7, 2009
Hey Taryn,
It is getting close to baby day! I bet you are getting excited! I haven't heard from you in a while and have been respecting your wishes and not calling. How are you feeling? are you nervous or had any time to think about the delivery?? Well I would be happy to talk if you want to. Also, I have a lot of baby things (obviously-lol) and am wondering if you need anything? So please let me know what I can do. I hope to hear from you soon.Love, Stacy
October 11, 2009
Stacy,
Thanks for the note. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. Things have been crazy. I had divorce court on Friday and a Dr appt. Then I got sick this weekend and I've got a really big week coming up so I've been resting.
I'm not sure what you mean about respecting my wishes and not contacting me. I've tried to reach out to you a few times through facebook and you didn't really seem interested in talking with me.
But, I'm starting to get very excited. I have 2 classes this week, breast feeding and my first birthing class. I'm pretty well set with baby stuff and I have 2 showers coming up in the next few weeks. Thanks for the offer though.
Hope things are going well for you...I'm sure you're gearing up for Rylen's first birthday! I can't believe he's already a year old!! But at the same time it feels like forever ago that I came down to see you when he was born.
Thanks again for the note, talk to ya later
Taryn
October 14, 2009
Taryn,
I am glad that you are set with baby things. That must be a relief. What I was referring to was your last email to me asking to leave you alone. So I took that as you wanted to be left alone. So that is what I did. The reason I was a little put off was because you seem to talk to everyone but me and tell me that you need to be alone. It just is upsetting. For a while I called and called and you would talk to others but not me. And the "book" that you posted on your blog.. while I am sorry that you feel that I wasn't there for you.. I can remember many times that I was there for you and as I said before we were sisters and sisters go back and forth with each other that is just the way it is. And all that was when we were children. But in the book you continued to trash me.. I would never do that to you. And then send it to all our family and friends. Why would you do that? How hurtful. As I remember You were not always an angel to me.. It is just not right of you to drag my name through the mud. I am sorry for what you feel happened to you but don't blame me. If you would talk to me about things instead of trash me and the family on a blog that might work out a lot better for you. How can your family be supportive of you if you don't tell us what is going on? but ,,that is all in past now we are adults having our own families and i just thought that maybe at some point you would realize that we are your family and no matter how far geographically and emotionally you try to be from us you should realize that we are still your family. Can't we just have some sort of a relationship? This not talking and writing rude things about me is just childish. I want to move on. I want a sister in my life, I want that for my family and my son. I would imagine that you would want the same for yours. It is just upsetting to me to see families that I know all getting together and having fun and you never want to just drop the walls down and let your family know what is really going on and let us be there for you. It doesn't have to be this way. I just feel like our relationship is such a missed opportunity. I just have to say all of this to get it out there. In my opinion there won't ever be a right time and I have been biting my tongue for years now wanting to tell you how much I would like to know the real you, .. There has been times that you have actually had conversations with me but then when I think we are making progress and getting closer you put the walls right back up. I guess what I am saying that I am not going to hurt you.. I have been trying and offering to help.. to listen basically to do anything.. for a while now. I thought for sure that this time... us having so much in common in our lives right now.. this time would be the one you would be receptive.. but again nothing. I am not blaming or trying to argue with you anymore I am just wanting you to know I am tired of being like this and if we can move on and have an "actual" relationship I am game for it. I am just exhausted of the drama. Lets forget what has happened in the past both what you have done to me and what you perceive I have done to you. Let me know what you think. I hope we can move on for us, for our parents and especially so that our sons can know each other. Please take this email with the thought that it was intended. I just need to get it off my chest and I care SO much for you Taryn I just really would like to have you back in my life. I hope you feel the same. I would love to talk to you on the phone if you have the time please call. Love Stacy
We obviously have very different perspectives on how things have gone in the past. And I don’t think that you really understand where I am coming from at all. What you’ve said is in blue, my response or thoughts follow.
The first impression that I get from reading your email, is that it’s all about you. My book/blog was written for me, about me and my life from my perspective. It’s not about you, or trying to ‘drag your name through the mud’, or ‘trashing’ you. My perspective of things when we were kids is that you were very hurtful and mean to me on a consistent basis. Not ‘sisters going back and forth’. I can understand if that’s not how you remember things, and I have no doubt that I also did hurtful things to you as a kid. However, this is not something that is exclusive to my childhood. To this day, you hurt me and come across as always only thinking of yourself. I have several recent examples of this but don’t see the point in rehashing things that have gone by. You will never see my perspective, and I don’t think you will ever change this part of you.
Comments like ‘I am sorry for what you feel happened to you but don't blame me’ are not only hurtful and selfish but also discount what ACTUALLY happened to me, rather than what I ‘feel’ happened to me. This does not make me what to talk to you or open up to you. This does not help me to build trust in you to take my ‘walls’ down.
And comments like ‘If you would talk to me about things instead of trash me and the family on a blog that might work out a lot better for you.’ Do NOT make me want to talk to you; they effectively shut me down and close me off from you. This is a bitchy comment and does not help any situation. And what exactly might work out better for me? Talking to you openly is going to bring my baby’s father back into his life? It will make me not be a single mother? It will put money in my pocket for rent? It will make things so that I don’t have to work full time to just scrap by and support myself and my son? I don’t think so.
‘Can't we just have some sort of a relationship?’ I am not sure if we can have any sort of relationship, Stacy. I am honestly tired of trying, tired of being hurt, and tired of having to translate everything you say to not be selfish. And right now (if you would stop being selfish for ONE minute) I have more pressing things going on in my life than rehashing something that has not changed with you. Right now my baby needs a Father not an Aunt; and so that is where any extra energy and attention is going. I talk to other people and not you because you require too much energy and emotional control that I cannot afford right now. Right now I need to be selfish and do what is best for me alone. It was made very clear to me at a young age that I am the only person I can trust and count on. That idea is not going to change anytime soon. If other people come through and help me out, that’s just gravy; it cannot be counted on or expected.
‘This not talking and writing rude things about me is just childish. I want to move on. I want a sister in my life’. I wrote most of my book/blog a few YEARS ago, so it has NOTHING to do with what’s going on between us now! And again it’s not all about you. I didn’t write those things for you, to hurt you, or have ANY effect on you what so ever. Also it’s not like I’m ignoring you or not responding when you send me a message, so I’m not sure exactly how I’m being childish. And I can’t help but notice that you said you want A sister in your life, not ‘I want MY sister in my life’.
‘It is just upsetting to me to see families that I know all getting together and having fun and you never want to just drop the walls down and let your family know what is really going on and let us be there for you.’ The words you use here ‘never want to just drop the walls’ make it seem like I’ve not tried, or that this is something that could easily be done and I’m just choosing not to do it. I have tried over and over but you don’t know how to be there for me, you only hurt me. You have shown me this over and over again. Example: Even though my plate is OVERFLOWING with responsibilities and stress and emotions right now (most of which you will NEVER come close to understanding or appreciating), I reached out to you and commented on your video of Rylen walking and even sent you an IM. You gave me very short responses and made it clear you didn’t want to talk. If you care SO much about me, you could have asked me how I was, how my new job was going, how I was feeling, if I had heard anything from Rudy. But you asked me nothing; sending me the message that you’re not interested in me or my life. And don’t say that you thought I wanted to be left alone. People that want to be left alone don’t reach out to talk to you, so that excuse is BS.
‘There has been times that you have actually had conversations with me but then when I think we are making progress and getting closer you put the walls right back up. I guess what I am saying that I am not going to hurt you’ I don’t believe you won’t hurt me. In fact, I’m almost positive that you will hurt me because you always do and you have shown me no evidence you have changed. Those walls go right back up because you’ve done something to hurt me or show me that you have not changed or grown since the last time I let my walls down and gave you a chance. Eventually the walls just stop coming down. I give more opportunities than most people would. This is evident in my relationships with Stephen, Jason, Rudy, and you.
‘I have been trying and offering to help.. to listen basically to do anything.. for a while now. I thought for sure that this time... us having so much in common in our lives right now.. this time would be the one you would be receptive.. but again nothing.’ I don’t perceive you as trying to help or as listening, I perceive you as trying to tell me what to do (from your prospective, with your values, with your goals, as if I were you) and telling me what you think I’ve done wrong. I cannot think of a single conversation where you have truly listened to me and been supportive of me. I don’t think you really know what it means to do those things. That’s not meant as a cut, I just honestly don’t think you know how. We have NOTHING in common in our lives right now. Are you worried about how you will pay your bills? Are you in the middle of a divorce? Are you waiting for the phone call that says your soon-to-be ex has finally gone all the way and killed himself? Are you unsure if the father of your baby will just randomly show up while you’re giving birth after you haven’t seen or talked to him in months? Are you preparing to be a single mother? Are you wondering how you’re going to cope with giving your child over to an almost stranger when he’s just 6 WEEKS old? Or what you’ll do for healthcare for you and your child once he’s born? NO! You are able to stay home with your son. Your baby’s father was there with you throughout your pregnancy, you didn’t worry if he was going to be in your son’s life or not. Your healthcare is guaranteed and free. So tell me what we have in common right now? Just because we’re both going to be moms? Our lives are like night and day! This is a perfect example of how you don’t see things from my perspective at all.
‘I am not blaming or trying to argue with you anymore I am just wanting you to know I am tired of being like this and if we can move on and have an "actual" relationship I am game for it. I am just exhausted of the drama. Let’s forget what has happened in the past both what you have done to me and what you perceive I have done to you.’ It’s interesting to me that you say what I ‘have done’ to you but it’s what I ‘perceive’ you have done to me. You say that you’re not blaming, but you certainly aren’t accepting any responsibility either.
Let me know what you think. I hope we can move on for us, for our parents and especially so that our sons can know each other. Please take this email with the thought that it was intended. I just need to get it off my chest and I care SO much for you Taryn I just really would like to have you back in my life. I hope you feel the same. I would love to talk to you on the phone if you have the time please call. Move on to what? This email, and our most recent interactions (going back to your reaction when I first told you I was pregnant, your email after the first ultrasound pictures I sent out, and our conversation on facebook) all show me that nothing has changed. You are still the same person that you have always been. So I’m not sure how to move forward from something that isn’t changed. More of the same, more opportunities for me to be hurt, is not what I want. And honestly it’s not something I can afford right now. If you had changed, and were able to see things from my perspective alone, you would know this. This email is not supporting me; it’s not about me at all. The point of your email is exactly what you said ‘I just need to get it off my chest’. It was for you, to make you feel better. I can understand that; I just don’t have the energy to help you with it. I’m sorry.
This morning at 6:50AM my phone rings. I thought it was my alarm going off again and just turned it off. But I look at the phone and see that it was a call from Stacy’s phone. Right, because that’s how you prove that you’re not selfish; call someone at the butt crack of dawn when you know that they will be getting ready for work and NOT be able to talk to you, leave them a message to start their day with emotional things to think about all day long at work. I’m about to get in the shower 10 minutes later or so and the phone rings again; it’s Stacy, again. I don’t answer, because I don’t have time to talk, I’ve got to get ready for work. She leaves another message.
Once I get in the car and am on my way to work I check the messages. The first is actually from Mike, her husband. He goes on and on about how he wants to talk to me because this is affecting him and his family and he’s tired of the drama. He ends this uncouth, out of line message by saying “call me back when you get this, if you’re not a coward”. Really? Wow, umm name calling didn’t go over so well with me in 3rd grade, and it goes over even worse now that I’m an adult.
The second was Stacy and she went on and on so much that the message actually got cut off. She said to me that I’m dissecting her words but the jest of what she was saying is that she wants me in her life. She said that she hopes I’ll realize that life is short and this is stupid. Everyone has struggles, and by far her life isn’t perfect…we all have great things and we all have bad things but if we can just get over it and realize that our family is important, she tells me. Then she talks about how great she is; she has people in her life that have done horrible things to her but she was able to forgive them and move on. This is all a missed opportunity that we haven’t been close up to this point in our lives. And my favorite part of the message is when she said ‘I hope you can just realize you’ve done things to me in the past and upset me but I’m over it, let’s get over it and move on’.
This message struck me as callus, selfish, and self motivated. This was not about me, it was not for me; it was about Stacy and for Stacy. I think the biggest disconnect that we have is that I don’t see her as family. Stacy brings no value to my life; she does not enrich my life, she takes away from it. A sister is defined as either a female having the same parents as another or one parent in common with another; or a girl or woman who shares a common ancestry, allegiance, character, or purpose with another or others. We have none of these. She is not my blood and we have no relationship to speak of. What then makes her my family?
So I find myself on the other side of the coin. I don’t want to talk to her and really want nothing to do with her, but she won’t leave me alone and I presume is somewhat confused about what’s happened. She only wants to work things out and make things better; I don’t feel like dealing with her anymore. And I imagine this is how Rudy is feeling about me. Ironic...
Back in May I scanned and emailed out the first ultrasound pics of Lucian! I was SO excited and couldn’t wait to share them with everyone! Here is what I said:
Hello everyone!
We had the first ultrasound today and here are the pics of baby! The baby was moving all around, the doctor said baby was dancing. I don't think baby was still for more than 3 seconds at a time.
Hope all is well! Lots of love to you all!
Taryn
How would you expect a sister to respond to this? Lots of well wishes, congratulations, and questions about how you’re feeling? Here is how Stacy responded:
Taryn,
You had made a comment a few months ago about how you wanted to name your child Avie if you had a girl. I didn't say anything at the time because It wasn't something that I needed to mention. It didn't seem that this was an issue, as you weren't having a baby anytime soon. Now that you are pregnant and though you don't know if you are having a girl yet I just wanted to let you know how much it would and did hurt me at the time to know that you would take my name for your child. I have waited my whole life to give my special name to my special little girl. I would hope that the comment you made about taking my name was just that. I have hoped and waited as long as I have dreamed about having a little girl that I could name her after me. My name is one of the great things that I have always wanted to pass to my baby girl. It is a total sign of my love for her being passed on. It is so much more than just a name to me. I just wanted to talk to you about this. It is VERY important to me for you to know how strongly I feel about this. Being that we are both adopted I think that you understand how important it is to have that special child of your own. That one person in the world that you know is your blood. A child you can look to and see yourself in them. And naming them after you is just a further affirmation of that love. If you want to talk about this I would be glad to, please call
Unreal. Talk about hurtful and selfish; she didn’t even mention the ultrasound pics. All she did was talk about herself, and tell me what I can’t do. Hmmmm. I responded very directly and honestly but probably out of too much hurt as well.
That’s fine Stacy. It’s funny to me that you NEVER mentioned naming your child that until Rylen was born. And that I had talked about it back when Stephen and I got pregnant, 5 yrs ago. I wanted to give the baby a family name, and I know how important that name was to Mom. But whatever. That's fine. I think it's probably better that I name my baby something else anyways. Rudy and I already have our names picked out. So don't worry. Thanks for asking if we had names picked out and what they were before sending this hurtful email. And couldn't you have waited until we know the sex of the baby to bring this up? It might not even be a girl, then you brought this up for nothing.
Thanks for responding to my last email also. I reached out to you and you said nothing and did nothing. Now you send me this email...now think about why I feel the way I do about our relationship. So not only do you not respond to me when I try to reach out to you, but then I reach out again and send you the first pictures of my baby and you don't even mention them! But instead talk about yourself and how I can't name my baby what you want to name your baby. That's pretty selfish Stacy. Do you see why I said that it wasn't just kid stuff and that you still hurt me now that we're adults? If you want to have a relationship with me, try thinking about other people's feelings some of the time.
I am really hurt by your email and I am very frustrated that you continue to think of yourself first and expect me to want a relationship with you. I don't know what to do anymore Stacy.
Taryn,
My email was not intended to upset you or to seem selfish. I just wanted to let you know how I feel and have always felt about naming my child after me, should I be fortunate enough to have a little girl. It has always been my dream since I was a child to have a little girl named Avie. That is my legacy to her. My love and my name is what I wish to pass on. I just wanted you to know how I felt.
Then the next day out of no where Stacy sends this:
Congratulations! The pictures are great. Thanks for sharing. This is an exciting time. Enjoy it.
Love,
Stacy, Mike and Rylen
Like the other email has never been sent, like some sort of unspoken 'do over'. After not talking to her for a while things move along cautiously.
July 23, 2009
Stacy,
Sorry that we haven't been able to connect on the phone. Things are so crazy right now with mom and dad coming out and trying to find another job. I've been so tired at the end of the day that I can barely make myself anything to eat. I've been feeling really down and don't much feel like talking to anyone.
Thank you for reaching out to me. I just need to be alone right now.
Taryn
July 24, 2009
I am sorry that you are feeling down. Just keep your spirits up and stay healthy. You aren't alone. You have your little one to care for and think about. (Trust me.. it will be a long time before you get a moment alone again)
Have fun with Mom and Dad.
Call me when you feel like talking.
Love, Stacy
Over the next months I occasionally reach out a few different ways on Facebook; post things on her wall, comment on things Stacy’s posts about Rylen, and even sent her an IM. The response I got sends me the message that she is not interested in talking to me. So I abandon all efforts and decide that I’ve finally had enough; I’ve got WAY too much on my plate right now to deal with this anyways. Then I get an email…
October 7, 2009
Hey Taryn,
It is getting close to baby day! I bet you are getting excited! I haven't heard from you in a while and have been respecting your wishes and not calling. How are you feeling? are you nervous or had any time to think about the delivery?? Well I would be happy to talk if you want to. Also, I have a lot of baby things (obviously-lol) and am wondering if you need anything? So please let me know what I can do. I hope to hear from you soon.Love, Stacy
October 11, 2009
Stacy,
Thanks for the note. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. Things have been crazy. I had divorce court on Friday and a Dr appt. Then I got sick this weekend and I've got a really big week coming up so I've been resting.
I'm not sure what you mean about respecting my wishes and not contacting me. I've tried to reach out to you a few times through facebook and you didn't really seem interested in talking with me.
But, I'm starting to get very excited. I have 2 classes this week, breast feeding and my first birthing class. I'm pretty well set with baby stuff and I have 2 showers coming up in the next few weeks. Thanks for the offer though.
Hope things are going well for you...I'm sure you're gearing up for Rylen's first birthday! I can't believe he's already a year old!! But at the same time it feels like forever ago that I came down to see you when he was born.
Thanks again for the note, talk to ya later
Taryn
October 14, 2009
Taryn,
I am glad that you are set with baby things. That must be a relief. What I was referring to was your last email to me asking to leave you alone. So I took that as you wanted to be left alone. So that is what I did. The reason I was a little put off was because you seem to talk to everyone but me and tell me that you need to be alone. It just is upsetting. For a while I called and called and you would talk to others but not me. And the "book" that you posted on your blog.. while I am sorry that you feel that I wasn't there for you.. I can remember many times that I was there for you and as I said before we were sisters and sisters go back and forth with each other that is just the way it is. And all that was when we were children. But in the book you continued to trash me.. I would never do that to you. And then send it to all our family and friends. Why would you do that? How hurtful. As I remember You were not always an angel to me.. It is just not right of you to drag my name through the mud. I am sorry for what you feel happened to you but don't blame me. If you would talk to me about things instead of trash me and the family on a blog that might work out a lot better for you. How can your family be supportive of you if you don't tell us what is going on? but ,,that is all in past now we are adults having our own families and i just thought that maybe at some point you would realize that we are your family and no matter how far geographically and emotionally you try to be from us you should realize that we are still your family. Can't we just have some sort of a relationship? This not talking and writing rude things about me is just childish. I want to move on. I want a sister in my life, I want that for my family and my son. I would imagine that you would want the same for yours. It is just upsetting to me to see families that I know all getting together and having fun and you never want to just drop the walls down and let your family know what is really going on and let us be there for you. It doesn't have to be this way. I just feel like our relationship is such a missed opportunity. I just have to say all of this to get it out there. In my opinion there won't ever be a right time and I have been biting my tongue for years now wanting to tell you how much I would like to know the real you, .. There has been times that you have actually had conversations with me but then when I think we are making progress and getting closer you put the walls right back up. I guess what I am saying that I am not going to hurt you.. I have been trying and offering to help.. to listen basically to do anything.. for a while now. I thought for sure that this time... us having so much in common in our lives right now.. this time would be the one you would be receptive.. but again nothing. I am not blaming or trying to argue with you anymore I am just wanting you to know I am tired of being like this and if we can move on and have an "actual" relationship I am game for it. I am just exhausted of the drama. Lets forget what has happened in the past both what you have done to me and what you perceive I have done to you. Let me know what you think. I hope we can move on for us, for our parents and especially so that our sons can know each other. Please take this email with the thought that it was intended. I just need to get it off my chest and I care SO much for you Taryn I just really would like to have you back in my life. I hope you feel the same. I would love to talk to you on the phone if you have the time please call. Love Stacy
We obviously have very different perspectives on how things have gone in the past. And I don’t think that you really understand where I am coming from at all. What you’ve said is in blue, my response or thoughts follow.
The first impression that I get from reading your email, is that it’s all about you. My book/blog was written for me, about me and my life from my perspective. It’s not about you, or trying to ‘drag your name through the mud’, or ‘trashing’ you. My perspective of things when we were kids is that you were very hurtful and mean to me on a consistent basis. Not ‘sisters going back and forth’. I can understand if that’s not how you remember things, and I have no doubt that I also did hurtful things to you as a kid. However, this is not something that is exclusive to my childhood. To this day, you hurt me and come across as always only thinking of yourself. I have several recent examples of this but don’t see the point in rehashing things that have gone by. You will never see my perspective, and I don’t think you will ever change this part of you.
Comments like ‘I am sorry for what you feel happened to you but don't blame me’ are not only hurtful and selfish but also discount what ACTUALLY happened to me, rather than what I ‘feel’ happened to me. This does not make me what to talk to you or open up to you. This does not help me to build trust in you to take my ‘walls’ down.
And comments like ‘If you would talk to me about things instead of trash me and the family on a blog that might work out a lot better for you.’ Do NOT make me want to talk to you; they effectively shut me down and close me off from you. This is a bitchy comment and does not help any situation. And what exactly might work out better for me? Talking to you openly is going to bring my baby’s father back into his life? It will make me not be a single mother? It will put money in my pocket for rent? It will make things so that I don’t have to work full time to just scrap by and support myself and my son? I don’t think so.
‘Can't we just have some sort of a relationship?’ I am not sure if we can have any sort of relationship, Stacy. I am honestly tired of trying, tired of being hurt, and tired of having to translate everything you say to not be selfish. And right now (if you would stop being selfish for ONE minute) I have more pressing things going on in my life than rehashing something that has not changed with you. Right now my baby needs a Father not an Aunt; and so that is where any extra energy and attention is going. I talk to other people and not you because you require too much energy and emotional control that I cannot afford right now. Right now I need to be selfish and do what is best for me alone. It was made very clear to me at a young age that I am the only person I can trust and count on. That idea is not going to change anytime soon. If other people come through and help me out, that’s just gravy; it cannot be counted on or expected.
‘This not talking and writing rude things about me is just childish. I want to move on. I want a sister in my life’. I wrote most of my book/blog a few YEARS ago, so it has NOTHING to do with what’s going on between us now! And again it’s not all about you. I didn’t write those things for you, to hurt you, or have ANY effect on you what so ever. Also it’s not like I’m ignoring you or not responding when you send me a message, so I’m not sure exactly how I’m being childish. And I can’t help but notice that you said you want A sister in your life, not ‘I want MY sister in my life’.
‘It is just upsetting to me to see families that I know all getting together and having fun and you never want to just drop the walls down and let your family know what is really going on and let us be there for you.’ The words you use here ‘never want to just drop the walls’ make it seem like I’ve not tried, or that this is something that could easily be done and I’m just choosing not to do it. I have tried over and over but you don’t know how to be there for me, you only hurt me. You have shown me this over and over again. Example: Even though my plate is OVERFLOWING with responsibilities and stress and emotions right now (most of which you will NEVER come close to understanding or appreciating), I reached out to you and commented on your video of Rylen walking and even sent you an IM. You gave me very short responses and made it clear you didn’t want to talk. If you care SO much about me, you could have asked me how I was, how my new job was going, how I was feeling, if I had heard anything from Rudy. But you asked me nothing; sending me the message that you’re not interested in me or my life. And don’t say that you thought I wanted to be left alone. People that want to be left alone don’t reach out to talk to you, so that excuse is BS.
‘There has been times that you have actually had conversations with me but then when I think we are making progress and getting closer you put the walls right back up. I guess what I am saying that I am not going to hurt you’ I don’t believe you won’t hurt me. In fact, I’m almost positive that you will hurt me because you always do and you have shown me no evidence you have changed. Those walls go right back up because you’ve done something to hurt me or show me that you have not changed or grown since the last time I let my walls down and gave you a chance. Eventually the walls just stop coming down. I give more opportunities than most people would. This is evident in my relationships with Stephen, Jason, Rudy, and you.
‘I have been trying and offering to help.. to listen basically to do anything.. for a while now. I thought for sure that this time... us having so much in common in our lives right now.. this time would be the one you would be receptive.. but again nothing.’ I don’t perceive you as trying to help or as listening, I perceive you as trying to tell me what to do (from your prospective, with your values, with your goals, as if I were you) and telling me what you think I’ve done wrong. I cannot think of a single conversation where you have truly listened to me and been supportive of me. I don’t think you really know what it means to do those things. That’s not meant as a cut, I just honestly don’t think you know how. We have NOTHING in common in our lives right now. Are you worried about how you will pay your bills? Are you in the middle of a divorce? Are you waiting for the phone call that says your soon-to-be ex has finally gone all the way and killed himself? Are you unsure if the father of your baby will just randomly show up while you’re giving birth after you haven’t seen or talked to him in months? Are you preparing to be a single mother? Are you wondering how you’re going to cope with giving your child over to an almost stranger when he’s just 6 WEEKS old? Or what you’ll do for healthcare for you and your child once he’s born? NO! You are able to stay home with your son. Your baby’s father was there with you throughout your pregnancy, you didn’t worry if he was going to be in your son’s life or not. Your healthcare is guaranteed and free. So tell me what we have in common right now? Just because we’re both going to be moms? Our lives are like night and day! This is a perfect example of how you don’t see things from my perspective at all.
‘I am not blaming or trying to argue with you anymore I am just wanting you to know I am tired of being like this and if we can move on and have an "actual" relationship I am game for it. I am just exhausted of the drama. Let’s forget what has happened in the past both what you have done to me and what you perceive I have done to you.’ It’s interesting to me that you say what I ‘have done’ to you but it’s what I ‘perceive’ you have done to me. You say that you’re not blaming, but you certainly aren’t accepting any responsibility either.
Let me know what you think. I hope we can move on for us, for our parents and especially so that our sons can know each other. Please take this email with the thought that it was intended. I just need to get it off my chest and I care SO much for you Taryn I just really would like to have you back in my life. I hope you feel the same. I would love to talk to you on the phone if you have the time please call. Move on to what? This email, and our most recent interactions (going back to your reaction when I first told you I was pregnant, your email after the first ultrasound pictures I sent out, and our conversation on facebook) all show me that nothing has changed. You are still the same person that you have always been. So I’m not sure how to move forward from something that isn’t changed. More of the same, more opportunities for me to be hurt, is not what I want. And honestly it’s not something I can afford right now. If you had changed, and were able to see things from my perspective alone, you would know this. This email is not supporting me; it’s not about me at all. The point of your email is exactly what you said ‘I just need to get it off my chest’. It was for you, to make you feel better. I can understand that; I just don’t have the energy to help you with it. I’m sorry.
This morning at 6:50AM my phone rings. I thought it was my alarm going off again and just turned it off. But I look at the phone and see that it was a call from Stacy’s phone. Right, because that’s how you prove that you’re not selfish; call someone at the butt crack of dawn when you know that they will be getting ready for work and NOT be able to talk to you, leave them a message to start their day with emotional things to think about all day long at work. I’m about to get in the shower 10 minutes later or so and the phone rings again; it’s Stacy, again. I don’t answer, because I don’t have time to talk, I’ve got to get ready for work. She leaves another message.
Once I get in the car and am on my way to work I check the messages. The first is actually from Mike, her husband. He goes on and on about how he wants to talk to me because this is affecting him and his family and he’s tired of the drama. He ends this uncouth, out of line message by saying “call me back when you get this, if you’re not a coward”. Really? Wow, umm name calling didn’t go over so well with me in 3rd grade, and it goes over even worse now that I’m an adult.
The second was Stacy and she went on and on so much that the message actually got cut off. She said to me that I’m dissecting her words but the jest of what she was saying is that she wants me in her life. She said that she hopes I’ll realize that life is short and this is stupid. Everyone has struggles, and by far her life isn’t perfect…we all have great things and we all have bad things but if we can just get over it and realize that our family is important, she tells me. Then she talks about how great she is; she has people in her life that have done horrible things to her but she was able to forgive them and move on. This is all a missed opportunity that we haven’t been close up to this point in our lives. And my favorite part of the message is when she said ‘I hope you can just realize you’ve done things to me in the past and upset me but I’m over it, let’s get over it and move on’.
This message struck me as callus, selfish, and self motivated. This was not about me, it was not for me; it was about Stacy and for Stacy. I think the biggest disconnect that we have is that I don’t see her as family. Stacy brings no value to my life; she does not enrich my life, she takes away from it. A sister is defined as either a female having the same parents as another or one parent in common with another; or a girl or woman who shares a common ancestry, allegiance, character, or purpose with another or others. We have none of these. She is not my blood and we have no relationship to speak of. What then makes her my family?
So I find myself on the other side of the coin. I don’t want to talk to her and really want nothing to do with her, but she won’t leave me alone and I presume is somewhat confused about what’s happened. She only wants to work things out and make things better; I don’t feel like dealing with her anymore. And I imagine this is how Rudy is feeling about me. Ironic...
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