Been Forever

Wow I can’t believe I haven’t written anything since December! I'm sorry it's been so long since I updated my blog...I need to learn to write shorter blogs more often. Haha I'm still figuring all of this out and it's VERY hard to find time to do much of anything these days!


Ok the quick and dirty. I’m back at work and loving it! Things are going REALLY well there. I am enjoying the kids I work with and am SO incredibly thankful that I get to nurse Lucian twice a day. He’s right down the hall and I get to see him whenever I want to! It’s wonderful!

Now Rudy. I don’t really know what happened. But he’s not talking to me at all. Here is what I can remember of how things went last month.

I started a class for ECE (early childhood education) that runs on Saturdays. It’s ALL day, from 9 until 3. I had asked Rudy a while back if he wanted to watch Lucian while I was in class. He’d said yes, but then things went south again and I wasn’t sure what he wanted to do. So I set up for a friend of mine to watch Lucian. I thought just to be safe I should contact Rudy to be sure he didn’t want to watch Lucian. I hadn’t heard from him in weeks and got no response anytime I’d tried to contact him. So I was fully expecting the same, no response. But I got an answer and it was yes, I want to watch him.


So I thought I’d give him a chance…remember I hadn’t heard a WORD from Rudy for literally weeks before this. So I was a little nervous about leaving Lucian with him. I went to drop him off that morning. As a nice gesture I brought breakfast from chick-fil-a. I used to do that when we worked together so I thought it would be a nice thing to do. I get out of the car, breakfast in hand and say “good morning!”

Rudy says “what’s that?! I have food! I don’t want that”

I look at him disappointedly.

He says “why did you do that? I have breakfast”.

I respond, “I know I’m such a horrible person, I brought your breakfast”

“you are a horrible person.”

I can’t tell if he’s joking or being serious

He begrudgingly goes to take the food inside and I say to him, “my food is in there as well”

He comes back and doesn’t want me to come inside, he wants to carry everything himself. This is a huge red flag to me. Why don’t you want me inside? His apartment building has an access door before you can get to his actual apartment door.  Now my food is inside too and I want it! He doesn't even want me to come in to get it.  He runs inside and brings it all out and won't take what I got for him.  And it’s freezing outside and there are things I need to tell him. I’m so thrown for a loop that I can’t really remember what I needed to tell him about the car seat and feeding times and tricks I’ve learned to help Lucian sleep. I remember to tell him that this is hard for me. I’ve never left Lucian this long with ANYONE. I tell him that I’ll call in the middle of the day to see how things are going. Not because I’m worried about him or that I don’t think he’ll do a good job. But because I want to know how Lucian’s day is going, what he’s doing, how he’s eating, etc. I tell him specifically “when I call and ask how his day is please give me something more than ‘fine’.” Rudy says ok that he will.
Well as you can guess this doesn’t happen. I send a text on my lunch break (4 hours later) to see how things are going. I ask “how is Lucian’s day going? How were things are the dojo?” Rudy teaches a sword class Saturday mornings at the Dojo and I knew he had to take Lucian with him. This was the first time anyone at the Dojo had seen Lucian. I was SO excited to hear about people’s reactions to Lucian and to hear Rudy be proud and excited about Lucian.

“he took up all of my time”

What does that mean?! So now I’m getting a little nervous that things aren’t going well. Maybe Rudy is resentful that Lucian is even there.

“I’m sorry to hear that….was it a huge pain?”

No response in more than 5 mins so I send another text with more questions. By the time I’m sending it I realize I have to be back in class in 5 mins. So I say I’ll just call him and talk. I send the text and then call. He doesn’t pick up. A few mins later I get a text “Can you relax?”
I tell him No I can’t relax I’m worried, this is hard for me, I want to know what’s going on. How is Lucian?
“he’s fantastic”

Is that sarcasm? What does that mean? And PS that is only a variation of ‘fine’ which I had very specifically asked him NOT to do! I’m dying at this point. I’m late back to class and when I get there I can’t concentrate to save my life! I leave class and call Rudy again. He doesn’t answer. I send a text and tell him that I’ve left class and I need to know what’s going on. He beats around the bush and really tells me nothing more about what’s been happening. I reluctantly go back to class and try to focus.


When class ends I send a text to let him know I’m on my way. When I get there I send a text to let him know I’m there and ask if we can talk. No response.

10 mins later Rudy appears and says sorry. I suppose for making me wait. He has Lucian and all of his things in hand. He still doesn’t want me to come inside. I say “I guess this means you don’t want to talk?”

“I’d rather not”
“Ok, then I’ll find somewhere else for Lucian to be next week”
“why?”

REALLY!? You don’t know why!!!

“because this is not ok. You won’t let me come in, you aren’t communicating with me and now you won’t even talk to me about it”
He walks away and I leave.

Here are the emails that transpired after that….


if you don't want to talk then please just listen...today was REALLY hard for me. I have NO doubts that you did a good job, and that Lucian was in very good hands with you. That's not what was hard for me today. I'm used to knowing when he breaths funny, when he goes cross-eyed, when he poops, and everything else that he does.
today wasn't hard because I was worried about Lucian being taken care of, today was hard because I'm selfish with him. I want to know everything he's doing, how he's eating, how he's feeling, how he slept, what people at the dojo thought about him. Today was about me. I know I have to let him go and let other people take care of him sometimes.that's really hard to do when I've taken care of him for the last 3 months. Do you understand?
I needed you to help me get through that today. I thought I had communicated that when I dropped him off, but I guess I didn't do it well enough. I needed to know about him, not because I thought you would do a bad job, but because I don't know how to be without him anymore. I got upset when i couldn't know everything he was doing. Also I was really excited to hear you be excited about having Lucian with you I wanted to hear you talk about him smiling and laughing, funny things you guys did. I didn't handle that very well. But all of this could have been avoided if you would have just told me some things about the day Help me feel like I'm not missing out. Do you think you can do that in the future?


I didn’t expect to hear from him but got this…

Help you feel like your not missing out??

yes, help me feel like I'm not missing stuff when i'm not with Lucian by telling me things you guys do, telling me about his day so i feel like I was kind of there in a way

When was that done for me

I've tried to do that for you...I even remember asking you if you would rather I not tell you things about his day...I never got an answer. If you want me to do that more i will...
also though baby doll, when i don't hear back from you (like when I told you lucian was sick) it makes me think you don't want to know these things...does that make sense?
no response....

I don't know where the line is between keeping you involved, and bothering you....most of the time i just feel like I'm bothering you, like you'd rather I not talk to you at all about anything. And I don't want to push you any further away....I'm figuring this out as I go love

no response.....so the next day I sent this
I know I've gone back and forth between being really upset with you and trying to help you be around lucian. I want you in Lucian's life and I try to make that happen...but when that doesn't happen I get upset. Or if i feel like I'm being taken advantage of I get upet because I'm hurt. I've decided that from here on out what I want and how I feel doesn't matter. All that matters is that lucian has his dad in his life. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help make that happen...I'll do it
just wanted you to know where I stand


I haven’t heard from him since….that was 3 weeks ago and he didnt even respond to me when I asked if he wanted to watch Lucian this Saturday.