So I saw Rudy tonight. It was supposed to be coffee in the afternoon and turned in to coffee at 6:15 in the evening. I suppose it’s a small step because he sought out the meeting. But he made me wait all day to tell me when we would meet, and he couldn't even see me without his friends tagging along. It was kind of nice to have a buffer, but I also feel like it’s just prolonging the awkwardness.
So we meet at starbucks. Things were going pretty well, not too awkward. But Rudy was texting on his phone; his body language was saying that he's really not engaged in what's going on. But every now and then I saw him look at me. Really look at me. Our eyes connected a few times for a split second and I saw his walls and barriers and bullshit fall away. Then just as quickly they were back.
His friends were nice. The girl was really sweet; she told me I looked beautiful, filled me in when they were talking about something I didn’t know (people from their work or whatever) invited me to go with them to Target. We all talked and laughed, it was nice.
I shouldn’t have gone to Target. That’s when things started to get awkward. I asked Rudy if it was ok that I went, he said Yeah I guess. Then he just started disappearing or going with his guy friend away from us girls, at every chance he got. When he wondered off by himself, I went to find him to try and talk some. When I saw him, though, I could tell that he was just done with the whole thing for today. I should have just said goodbye and left. It’s so hard though, when I don’t know when/if I’ll see him again. I feel like I have to take advantage of every minute I can get. It’s an awful place to be.
So I asked him Are you done?
He said what do you mean?
You know what I mean, are you done?
Yeah I guess
I said cause you walked away and I thought that might mean you’re done?
Yeah I guess
I said no, not yeah I guess, yes or no are you done, I pressed it because yeah I guess leaves room for questions, like yeah I guess, just because I asked and he thinks that means I’m done, or yeah I guess but really its yes get the hell away from me, or yeah I guess, I could go more but we can be done
He got defensive and said I’ve already answered you twice I’m not doing it a third time.
I said softly don’t get that way, I thought the night was going pretty well, don’t be this way.
He said Yeah things went pretty well, I can’t deny that
We both just stood there...like there was more. He didn't say goodbye or have a good night; just stood there.
I said well since you hate the middle name that I picked out, I suppose I should ask you what you think about circumcision.
what were you thinking?
I was planning to do it
yeah I think so too, wait you said do it right?
yeah do it. I’m sure there are more decisions to be made but I can’t think of any of them right now
He said good
I told him that a friend was going to be coming by Target and I was going to wait for her. I asked him if he wanted to say goodbye to his son. He reached out and lightly scratched my belly. I looked at him and felt my tears welling up…I didn’t want him to see me cry, so I turned and started to walk away. I looked back and asked if it would be ok for me to come find him before I left. There was loud music and TVs on, we were in the electronics. He said something but I couldn’t hear him so I started walking back. He said it would be fine for me to come find him.
I couldn’t walk away again. I just stood there looking at him, trying to put it all together. Trying to wrap my head around who this person was that looked something like the man I wanted to have a baby with. My mind raced with questions: how did we get here? How do we get back? What happened? What’s he afraid of? Why is he hiding behind all of these walls and defenses?
I ask him When are we going to talk about logistics?
I don’t know
Well something to think about: Do you do you want to spend some time at the apartment after Lucian’s born, to have time with him while I’m off work, in those first few weeks?
He was confused What do you mean? Like live there? That’s never going to happen.
No I mean like stay the night a while to be with your son. I’m just letting you know that’s an option.
Yeah, never going to happen.
Ok, good to know that I’ll be doing that by myself.
What do you mean? I said I wouldn’t stay the night...
Yeah well do you think he’s going to sleep through the night? So I’ll have to get up with him every time and go to work…I’ll be doing it myself.
He asked Are you going to take anytime off of work?
Yeah, 6 weeks, that’s all I can afford.
Another long silence...neither of us saying goodbye or ending the conversation.
I asked him Are you ever going to be able to talk to me? I mean really talk to me?
What do you mean?
I mean like from your heart, without all of these walls and barriers and really talk to me from your heart, open up
I don’t know
His friends came over and they were ready to leave. I was so upset that I didn’t want to see my friend anymore; I just wanted to be alone so I could cry. So we all walked out at the same time. He wouldn’t even really look at me. I told his friends it was nice to meet them and good night. I said nothing to Rudy. Walked to my car and just cried. That’s all I could do. I’m stuck some place between being incredibly frustrated and pissed off and unbelievably hurt.
Ugh! Why do I even care? He’s a child; a scared child that got stung by a red ant so he went and got his magnifying glass and is frying the ant in the sun. Only he doesn’t realize that the ant was just trying to protect itself. Stinging is it’s only defense. And while getting stung hurts, what he’s doing is far worse.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Love Colorado!
I love Colorado. Today I went and sat, for the first time ever, with my laptop at Starbucks. The lady behind the counter started up a conversation about the east coast winters and how cloudy it is all the time. She was from Maryland between DC and Baltimore; I told her where I grew up. We both said we’d never go back! I got my drink and went outside to sit in the beautiful weather. A man walked up with a bloodhound pup, 6 weeks old. It was her first time on a leash. He was fixing her leash to a table while he went in to get a drink when two ladies nearby asked if they could watch the puppy while he went in. The man said yes and the women doted and loved on the puppy while he was gone. When he came back they thanked him for letting them watch her. In the next 20 mins or so half a dozen people came by and all asked very politely if they could pet the puppy. A total stranger brought the dog a dog bowl full of water from inside starbucks…who does that? The exchanges were so pleasant and genuine. While I love all of my friends and family on the east coast I don’t think the general public is as warm or friendly as in Colorado.
A year or so ago I was getting coffee with Ashley out on rt 29. We sat outside and in the hour or so we sat there we heard 4 or 5 people honk at other cars for not going fast enough at the light. I haven’t heard that many people honk in Colorado in the year since. In the grocery store if you come up behind someone with a lot of items and you have only a few they will almost always offer for you to go ahead of them. There seems to be this greater sense of community. It’s like a small town feeling while keeping the anonymity offered by a bigger city. People reach out to you to have conversations in all kids of places, like elevators, grocery stores, parks, standing in line anywhere! If you cant make friends in Colorado, I don’t think you can make friends anywhere!
A year or so ago I was getting coffee with Ashley out on rt 29. We sat outside and in the hour or so we sat there we heard 4 or 5 people honk at other cars for not going fast enough at the light. I haven’t heard that many people honk in Colorado in the year since. In the grocery store if you come up behind someone with a lot of items and you have only a few they will almost always offer for you to go ahead of them. There seems to be this greater sense of community. It’s like a small town feeling while keeping the anonymity offered by a bigger city. People reach out to you to have conversations in all kids of places, like elevators, grocery stores, parks, standing in line anywhere! If you cant make friends in Colorado, I don’t think you can make friends anywhere!
Friday, September 18, 2009
Finally had enough
First of all, I’m tired to using pretend names. I did that at first because I made the blog public and I didn’t want anyone to be upset about me writing about them. Well now that it’s private that doesn’t matter anymore. So Dave is really Rudy, James is really Jason, and Michael is really Stephen. Rudy is my baby daddy, Jason is my second husband that tried to kill me, and Stephen is my first husband that is now gay…whoa
I think I'm one of those people that push themselves and everything they do to the utmost extreme. I often don’t know my limits or boundaries until I’ve hit them at full speed! That seemed to be true with Jason and Stephen. I held out and held out, gave chance after chance. And then finally SNAP! I hit my breaking point. Most people I’ve talked to tell me that my breaking point is WAY beyond most peoples. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. But I have to know that I’ve tried everything humanly possible and a little more before I give up. I don’t ever want to look back on something and wonder if the outcome could have been different if I’d held on a little longer. I have to be the last one to leave the party.
Well today, seemingly out of nowhere, I hit my breaking point with Rudy.
Here’s how it all went down:
I sent an email this morning (apparently he is still getting emails on his cell phone) and said “I need to see you”. Nothing else. This afternoon I got an email back! Shocker! “why”.
Why!? Why the hell do you think?! I’m 31 weeks pregnant with your baby and you say you want to be involved and then won’t talk to me. I’m trying to be nice and reach out to you to let/help you be involved because that’s what you said you wanted! And I don’t want to be broadsided by you whenever you decide to come around.
So I responded “because you're not responding to me, because we need to talk, because I'm having your baby, because I'm trying to help you be a part of this, I'm already having Braxton-hicks contractions, I can't have you just show up when I'm in labor or just show up after Lucian is born, and because I need you to show me that you really want to be a part of this”
“I don’t want to see you”
*****SNAP*****
Taryn -- “I don’t want to see you either. I said that I need to see you
If you can't man up and deal now, then don't show up when Lucian is being born. I'm done Rudy. I'm done with your bullshit and your games. I’m done with the ‘poor Rudy, Taryn told him to get the fuck out, and now he can’t get his shit together.’ If you don't want to see me and be a part of this; or be an adult and figure out what we're going to do. Then don't show up. I will do ALL of this on my own. I’m not going to wait for you to 'come around' anymore. I’m done.
Stop being a coward, stop being a baby, and grow the fuck up already. You're having a KID!!
And if at some point you do pull your head out of your ass and decide that you do want to be a part of your son's life, it will have to be on my terms. When I'm ready.
So think about it real hard before you decide.
I've gone way beyond what anyone else would do in this situation. And I need you to know that all of it is for Lucian, not you. I don't want you in my life anymore than you want me in yours. But we have a kid and you should be able to be an adult and deal with this. If you can't then I don't want you around Lucian either.
Decide”
Rudy -- “Lets go with one thing you said I'm having kid cause I'm ready and it doesn't matter who its with. That doesn't make it my kid it means I have been used by you to fulfill your messed up fantasy. Fuck your shit don't push me”
Taryn – “WOW that's really fucked up Rudy! We talked about having this baby for over a month!!! Now you're saying that I was pushing you into it!? That's fucked up. you're just scared now.
And if you're so ready for this...then fucking act like it! What have you done to be ready for this?”
Rudy – “Scared no, so fucking close to making it so I have full custody, so don't fucking push me stop making shit and stop lying don't e mail me or I'll get a restraining order for harassment leave me alone please”
Taryn – “Please don't get into custody issues. That's a road you don't want to go down. Who would give you custody, when you walked out and you haven't been involved? What am I lying about?
And I will push you, cause someone needs to! I didn’t force you to do this. We decided to have a baby together. And now you need to decide if you’re going to be a part of his life. You have said before that you do want to be a part of this, if that is still true then you need to start acting like it. Lucian deserves to have both of his parents in his life, but if you can’t get it together that might not be in the cards. I will protect him with a fierceness that you have never seen before. I have a college degree, a steady job at a daycare, pay my bills on time, and a stable home...it wouldn't be much of a fight. Please don't force this fight, you won't win. And Lucian will be the one who loses the most.
I don't want to do this without you. I can do it, and be damn good at it too! But damn it Rudy! God, even though I should hate you and there is NO logic for it I love you; in the truest, purest way a person can love. It's not love like a girlfriend, its love like a life-long friend or partner. Like family. I love you even though I hate what you’ve done and what you are doing! Even though you have hurt me more than any other person in my life. You don't deserve my love right now, but I don't care about you because you deserve it. I care about you because of who I am and for who you are at your core. I love you for who you were before, not for who you're acting like now. I love the person who said he would make my favorite chocolates if we couldn’t find them at the store, the person who tried so hard to hear a song on the radio that made you think of me. The person that broke the cat post cause he tried to perch on it like a bird and then chased me around the apartment.
Please, cut the bullshit Rudy, you’re going to miss out on everything! And you can’t get it back…I don’t want to see that happen to you.
God, I hate you right now…I try to pretend that I'm tough, that I can stop caring about you, and 'put my foot down'. The truth is that I would always take you back, anytime. All you'd have to do is show up. Just knock on my door! Even after all you've put me through, as mean and hurtful as you've been, ignoring me. We can work it out, I would take you back. Not because I'm weak or a door mat. Not because I can't find someone else; that would treat me better. But exactly the opposite, simply because I love you and I am strong enough to love you no matter what you do to me.
Things can go one of two ways...unfortunately there doesn't seem to be any room for middle ground here. And the decision of how it will go is entirely up to you...chose well. Please, for Lucian.”
Rudy -- "Well deep down inside of me is a part you have never seen and you are making it become pure anger that song was for hannah now don't e mail me you do I swear you will see a side of me you never new existed don't think your all great every one at the day care hated you they all knew you had too much anger and all saw how you would snap at the kids so don't tell you can raise a kid and the only reason you have money to afford anything is because of your fucking parents don't you even think about responding ever good bye"
Rudy -- "Don't go running to my mom"
Taryn -- "I didn't go running to anyone, I spoke to my friend. I wanted her to know that no matter what happens she can still be in Lucian's life. She has been very supportive of me and I wanted her to know that whatever happens between you and I, doesn't affect my relationship with her. This is her grandson, and she deserves to be involved."
Rudy -- "Get out of my family its not yours and I believe I said don't FUCKING email me"
Taryn -- "I'm sorry, but your family is my family now too. Your mom wants to be a part of this and I will not turn her away.
I'm really sad about the decision that you've made."
Rudy -- No they are not your family get the fuck out of their life
Taryn -- "I'm sorry you'll have to take that up with your mom. I will not turn her away or force her out of Lucian's life."
Rudy -- "Don't talk to me"
Taryn -- "Ok, I'm gone. Bye Rudy"
I think I'm one of those people that push themselves and everything they do to the utmost extreme. I often don’t know my limits or boundaries until I’ve hit them at full speed! That seemed to be true with Jason and Stephen. I held out and held out, gave chance after chance. And then finally SNAP! I hit my breaking point. Most people I’ve talked to tell me that my breaking point is WAY beyond most peoples. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. But I have to know that I’ve tried everything humanly possible and a little more before I give up. I don’t ever want to look back on something and wonder if the outcome could have been different if I’d held on a little longer. I have to be the last one to leave the party.
Well today, seemingly out of nowhere, I hit my breaking point with Rudy.
Here’s how it all went down:
I sent an email this morning (apparently he is still getting emails on his cell phone) and said “I need to see you”. Nothing else. This afternoon I got an email back! Shocker! “why”.
Why!? Why the hell do you think?! I’m 31 weeks pregnant with your baby and you say you want to be involved and then won’t talk to me. I’m trying to be nice and reach out to you to let/help you be involved because that’s what you said you wanted! And I don’t want to be broadsided by you whenever you decide to come around.
So I responded “because you're not responding to me, because we need to talk, because I'm having your baby, because I'm trying to help you be a part of this, I'm already having Braxton-hicks contractions, I can't have you just show up when I'm in labor or just show up after Lucian is born, and because I need you to show me that you really want to be a part of this”
“I don’t want to see you”
*****SNAP*****
Taryn -- “I don’t want to see you either. I said that I need to see you
If you can't man up and deal now, then don't show up when Lucian is being born. I'm done Rudy. I'm done with your bullshit and your games. I’m done with the ‘poor Rudy, Taryn told him to get the fuck out, and now he can’t get his shit together.’ If you don't want to see me and be a part of this; or be an adult and figure out what we're going to do. Then don't show up. I will do ALL of this on my own. I’m not going to wait for you to 'come around' anymore. I’m done.
Stop being a coward, stop being a baby, and grow the fuck up already. You're having a KID!!
And if at some point you do pull your head out of your ass and decide that you do want to be a part of your son's life, it will have to be on my terms. When I'm ready.
So think about it real hard before you decide.
I've gone way beyond what anyone else would do in this situation. And I need you to know that all of it is for Lucian, not you. I don't want you in my life anymore than you want me in yours. But we have a kid and you should be able to be an adult and deal with this. If you can't then I don't want you around Lucian either.
Decide”
Rudy -- “Lets go with one thing you said I'm having kid cause I'm ready and it doesn't matter who its with. That doesn't make it my kid it means I have been used by you to fulfill your messed up fantasy. Fuck your shit don't push me”
Taryn – “WOW that's really fucked up Rudy! We talked about having this baby for over a month!!! Now you're saying that I was pushing you into it!? That's fucked up. you're just scared now.
And if you're so ready for this...then fucking act like it! What have you done to be ready for this?”
Rudy – “Scared no, so fucking close to making it so I have full custody, so don't fucking push me stop making shit and stop lying don't e mail me or I'll get a restraining order for harassment leave me alone please”
Taryn – “Please don't get into custody issues. That's a road you don't want to go down. Who would give you custody, when you walked out and you haven't been involved? What am I lying about?
And I will push you, cause someone needs to! I didn’t force you to do this. We decided to have a baby together. And now you need to decide if you’re going to be a part of his life. You have said before that you do want to be a part of this, if that is still true then you need to start acting like it. Lucian deserves to have both of his parents in his life, but if you can’t get it together that might not be in the cards. I will protect him with a fierceness that you have never seen before. I have a college degree, a steady job at a daycare, pay my bills on time, and a stable home...it wouldn't be much of a fight. Please don't force this fight, you won't win. And Lucian will be the one who loses the most.
I don't want to do this without you. I can do it, and be damn good at it too! But damn it Rudy! God, even though I should hate you and there is NO logic for it I love you; in the truest, purest way a person can love. It's not love like a girlfriend, its love like a life-long friend or partner. Like family. I love you even though I hate what you’ve done and what you are doing! Even though you have hurt me more than any other person in my life. You don't deserve my love right now, but I don't care about you because you deserve it. I care about you because of who I am and for who you are at your core. I love you for who you were before, not for who you're acting like now. I love the person who said he would make my favorite chocolates if we couldn’t find them at the store, the person who tried so hard to hear a song on the radio that made you think of me. The person that broke the cat post cause he tried to perch on it like a bird and then chased me around the apartment.
Please, cut the bullshit Rudy, you’re going to miss out on everything! And you can’t get it back…I don’t want to see that happen to you.
God, I hate you right now…I try to pretend that I'm tough, that I can stop caring about you, and 'put my foot down'. The truth is that I would always take you back, anytime. All you'd have to do is show up. Just knock on my door! Even after all you've put me through, as mean and hurtful as you've been, ignoring me. We can work it out, I would take you back. Not because I'm weak or a door mat. Not because I can't find someone else; that would treat me better. But exactly the opposite, simply because I love you and I am strong enough to love you no matter what you do to me.
Things can go one of two ways...unfortunately there doesn't seem to be any room for middle ground here. And the decision of how it will go is entirely up to you...chose well. Please, for Lucian.”
Rudy -- "Well deep down inside of me is a part you have never seen and you are making it become pure anger that song was for hannah now don't e mail me you do I swear you will see a side of me you never new existed don't think your all great every one at the day care hated you they all knew you had too much anger and all saw how you would snap at the kids so don't tell you can raise a kid and the only reason you have money to afford anything is because of your fucking parents don't you even think about responding ever good bye"
Rudy -- "Don't go running to my mom"
Taryn -- "I didn't go running to anyone, I spoke to my friend. I wanted her to know that no matter what happens she can still be in Lucian's life. She has been very supportive of me and I wanted her to know that whatever happens between you and I, doesn't affect my relationship with her. This is her grandson, and she deserves to be involved."
Rudy -- "Get out of my family its not yours and I believe I said don't FUCKING email me"
Taryn -- "I'm sorry, but your family is my family now too. Your mom wants to be a part of this and I will not turn her away.
I'm really sad about the decision that you've made."
Rudy -- No they are not your family get the fuck out of their life
Taryn -- "I'm sorry you'll have to take that up with your mom. I will not turn her away or force her out of Lucian's life."
Rudy -- "Don't talk to me"
Taryn -- "Ok, I'm gone. Bye Rudy"
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Letters to Rudy
These are also Rudy's letters back to me...and yes it's all of them. You might forget that I've included his responses, because there really hasn't been any.
July 12, 2009 --- 3 weeks gone
July 12, 2009 --- 3 weeks gone
I write this with sincerity and love, and NOTHING more. I have no motive and I don't expect it to change anything. I have no expectations of you, do whatever it is that you need to do for yourself.
I know you probably don't want to hear from me and that you blame me for a lot of whats happening. I can't tell you how sorry I am for everything that's going on. Things have gotten so out of control and out of hand. I don't know what to do, I feel helpless. I wish there was a way to make everything right again. Not just with us, but with your whole family and in your life. I want you to be happy and have the things you want in your life. If that includes me and Lucian that's awesome.
I don't agree with what your mom has done or the way she is reacting to you. I agree with you that she is acting a bit childish. But I'm not her and I can never fully know how she is feeling. I wish I had never gone to her for help after our fight. I think things would be a lot different now if I hadn't. At the time I thought I was doing the right thing. I know now that it was NOT the right thing to do. I'm sorry. I am committed to making this right.
With everything that's going on, I just want you to know that I'm still here. If there is ANYTHING that you need EVER, you can call me and you can count on me to be there. With no expectations, guilt or obligations. I truly love you and I would do anything for you. I don't say 'I love you' lightly. I mean it and it is a commitment. Think about it, I let Stephen cheat on me with guys for 5 years just so that he could figure out if he's gay or not. I dealt with Jason and his cutting and threatening to kill me for 2 years. And I will be there for you, whatever that means to you. If you need solid time away from me with no contact at all, just let me know. I just don't want you to think that I've abandoned you or that I'm angry with you. I'm here, and you are NOT alone. Just tell me what you need.
While your family has been very supportive of me (because of the baby and nothing else) if you need me to pull back and not have contact with them so that you and I can figure things out on our own. I will do that You are the most important thing to me. Even though you don't agree right now, you are my family. I still want to be your wife, if you'll ever have me again.
I love you and I'm here for you, whatever you need
All my heart
Taryn
I know you probably don't want to hear from me and that you blame me for a lot of whats happening. I can't tell you how sorry I am for everything that's going on. Things have gotten so out of control and out of hand. I don't know what to do, I feel helpless. I wish there was a way to make everything right again. Not just with us, but with your whole family and in your life. I want you to be happy and have the things you want in your life. If that includes me and Lucian that's awesome.
I don't agree with what your mom has done or the way she is reacting to you. I agree with you that she is acting a bit childish. But I'm not her and I can never fully know how she is feeling. I wish I had never gone to her for help after our fight. I think things would be a lot different now if I hadn't. At the time I thought I was doing the right thing. I know now that it was NOT the right thing to do. I'm sorry. I am committed to making this right.
With everything that's going on, I just want you to know that I'm still here. If there is ANYTHING that you need EVER, you can call me and you can count on me to be there. With no expectations, guilt or obligations. I truly love you and I would do anything for you. I don't say 'I love you' lightly. I mean it and it is a commitment. Think about it, I let Stephen cheat on me with guys for 5 years just so that he could figure out if he's gay or not. I dealt with Jason and his cutting and threatening to kill me for 2 years. And I will be there for you, whatever that means to you. If you need solid time away from me with no contact at all, just let me know. I just don't want you to think that I've abandoned you or that I'm angry with you. I'm here, and you are NOT alone. Just tell me what you need.
While your family has been very supportive of me (because of the baby and nothing else) if you need me to pull back and not have contact with them so that you and I can figure things out on our own. I will do that You are the most important thing to me. Even though you don't agree right now, you are my family. I still want to be your wife, if you'll ever have me again.
I love you and I'm here for you, whatever you need
All my heart
Taryn
July 13, 2009 --- 3 weeks gone
I thought about it and I've decided that it's best for us if I pull back from your family. Your mom especially. I don't think you are really talking to her right now so I wanted to tell you. I'm going to talk to her about it tomorrow and let her know. I'm very sorry if you felt like we were ganging up on you, that was NEVER my intention. Hopefully this will help us figure out what we want to do.
Yesterday I said that I'm here if you need me...know that I need you. I need you because I want you in my life. I miss you
Taryn
Yesterday I said that I'm here if you need me...know that I need you. I need you because I want you in my life. I miss you
Taryn
July 18, 2009 from Rudy
Just so you know there is no us and I'm not coming back
July 19, 2009 --- 4 weeks gone
If you have decided that you don't want to be with me, that's your decision. Thank you for letting me know. I wish that you would have talked to me some and tried to figure things out (or at least let me know what you're thinking and why this is happening) instead of just deciding on your own. And this is not what I want. But it sounds like the decision is made. I will respect your decision.
I just want you to be happy, even if it means that I'm not.
I will still always be here. I care about you as a person, and as the father of Lucian. Which brings me to a question that does need to be answered. What are you decisions about being in his life?
I just want you to be happy, even if it means that I'm not.
I will still always be here. I care about you as a person, and as the father of Lucian. Which brings me to a question that does need to be answered. What are you decisions about being in his life?
July 21, 2009 --- 4 weeks gone
I'm starting to get really upset. I think I've been more than patient and very understanding and supportive even though I have no idea what's going on and I am incredibly hurt.
We had a fight and I got upset. Because I was afraid that you were saying you didn't want to be with me. Which turns out to be true. So I was justified in being scared and getting upset. But I didn't handle my feelings well. I am very sorry and I can understand that it would be hard for you to trust me right now. I wish that you could be brave and try to trust me again. We did have a good thing. There was SO much on our plate that we were dealing with, and we didn't really have a good foundation to cope with all of that. Part of that is gone now (the house) but part of it is not going to go away even if you don't want to be with me. We are having a baby. I don't deserve to do this on my own, especially when we had planned to do it together. I can't just bail, the way it feels like you have since you won't even talk to me.
I don't think I've done anything that is SO bad that I deserved to be ignored and going through a planned pregnancy alone. I'm a person too Rudy, and you have hurt me beyond what I can take at this point. I don't deserve to be treated this way and ignored.
I am terrified! This isn't what I signed up for, it's not fair. It seems to me that your life is going on as if nothing has even happened...and my entire life is forever turned upside down. I'm not saying that you don't have shit you're dealing with too...I know you have bad things that you are dealing with too. But you don't seem to be worrying how to pay your rent, or where you'll work in 5 months, how to take care of a baby and still have an income, or whether or not you'll be doing all of this alone.
Why can't you talk to me? Tell me what you're thinking, tell me why you're upset. I know that you're upset because you heard me say to get out and not come back, and that I went to your mom. I know I hurt you, I will forever be sorry for it. Why does it upset you to the point that you can't even speak to me, even 6 weeks later?
I would like to think that at some point you did actually love me, maybe in some way you still might. I don't understand how you can hurt me this way. I'm having your baby, that at one point you wanted too. I'm not saying that we need to be together. I'm honestly not sure if that's something I can even do right now, it might be possible down the road a bit. I need some time to heal right now too. But either way we need to figure out what to do about Lucian. Please, talk to me at least about that. I deserve at least that much.
Taryn
I tracked Rudy down August 1st and gave him a box of this things. 7 weeks gone
I saw Rudy again August 10th with more of his things. 8 weeks gone
August 23, 2009 --- 9 weeks gone
hey I have some more of your papers, why don't you swing by and pick them up
We had a fight and I got upset. Because I was afraid that you were saying you didn't want to be with me. Which turns out to be true. So I was justified in being scared and getting upset. But I didn't handle my feelings well. I am very sorry and I can understand that it would be hard for you to trust me right now. I wish that you could be brave and try to trust me again. We did have a good thing. There was SO much on our plate that we were dealing with, and we didn't really have a good foundation to cope with all of that. Part of that is gone now (the house) but part of it is not going to go away even if you don't want to be with me. We are having a baby. I don't deserve to do this on my own, especially when we had planned to do it together. I can't just bail, the way it feels like you have since you won't even talk to me.
I don't think I've done anything that is SO bad that I deserved to be ignored and going through a planned pregnancy alone. I'm a person too Rudy, and you have hurt me beyond what I can take at this point. I don't deserve to be treated this way and ignored.
I am terrified! This isn't what I signed up for, it's not fair. It seems to me that your life is going on as if nothing has even happened...and my entire life is forever turned upside down. I'm not saying that you don't have shit you're dealing with too...I know you have bad things that you are dealing with too. But you don't seem to be worrying how to pay your rent, or where you'll work in 5 months, how to take care of a baby and still have an income, or whether or not you'll be doing all of this alone.
Why can't you talk to me? Tell me what you're thinking, tell me why you're upset. I know that you're upset because you heard me say to get out and not come back, and that I went to your mom. I know I hurt you, I will forever be sorry for it. Why does it upset you to the point that you can't even speak to me, even 6 weeks later?
I would like to think that at some point you did actually love me, maybe in some way you still might. I don't understand how you can hurt me this way. I'm having your baby, that at one point you wanted too. I'm not saying that we need to be together. I'm honestly not sure if that's something I can even do right now, it might be possible down the road a bit. I need some time to heal right now too. But either way we need to figure out what to do about Lucian. Please, talk to me at least about that. I deserve at least that much.
Taryn
I tracked Rudy down August 1st and gave him a box of this things. 7 weeks gone
I saw Rudy again August 10th with more of his things. 8 weeks gone
August 23, 2009 --- 9 weeks gone
hey I have some more of your papers, why don't you swing by and pick them up
August 29, 2009 --- 10 weeks gone
I saw your pics on facebook...i like your hair :-) But you look really sad, are you ok? I'm still here, as your friend. I care about you
September 1, 2009 --- From Rudy
What's the info for the flight
September 1, 2009 --- 11 weeks gone
If I remember correctly you just need to use this confirmation number (which is actually letters). If that doesn't work let me know and I'll look into it some more. let me know if you need to use more than your half. Hope you're going somewhere fun :-)
I still have you papers, and I found your spare earring...can I get those to you some how?
From Rudy
I'll come by today at 215 I just can't stay
While Rudy was here I asked him if he wanted to be involved in the baby. He said yes. I asked if we could sit down and talk about what that looks like. What does he want? Logistically, how do we make that happen? He said yes, but some other time. No time was set. He couldn't get out of here fast enough.
September 1, 2009
I got a job!!! Got the call right after you left! It's with Castle Academy, a private daycare in Castle Rock...they take infants :-)
Since you said that you aren't getting enough hours at work I wanted to offer this up...you can always come back. Even if you're not interested in having a relationship...but we could always get a 2 br place and just be roommates. Just an option, that's always available.
September 4, 2009 --- 11 weeks gone
hey I know it's awkward and hard to be around each other....but if you truly do want to be in Lucian's life, we're going to have to be able to be around each other. I figure that's easier to do now than once he's here.
Also if you want to be at his birth, which I would love for you to be there, we're going to have to be more comfortable around each other. That day is going to have enough stress and new, maybe awkward things of it's own. I will be in a very compromising and vulnerable position and I need to be comfortable with you.
So can we start spending some time together to get reacquainted? Maybe we could do something before the next Dr appt and you can come to that if you want to. I know the more time we spend together the less awkward things will get.
I work Monday - Thursday 8-6. I'm off every Friday and I'm off this coming Monday. I'm going to a wedding in Golden on Sunday, and I've got dinner with Maddie Bobo tonight. Other than that, I'm wide open :-)
We can do this. Just trust me, a little bit and I promise I won't let you down. :-)
Saw Rudy on September 5th. He said he would start responding to me so that I don't have to keep tracking him down to figure anything out. He also said that I need to figure out what I'm doing before we can figure out what we're going to do. I told him that I did know what I was doing. He said then do it. I said I am. He also agreed that if we are going to do this together that we should start to spend some time together and deal with our awkwardness now before Lucian gets here.
September 7, 2009 --- 12 weeks gone
Hey,
The other day you said that I need to figure out what I’m doing before we can figure out what we’re doing. I’m not totally sure what that was in reference to but I thought I would tell you my plans so that you’ll know that I have a plan and what I’m doing.
I’m staying in Colorado, no matter what. This is where I want to be. And while my parents are supportive of me financially, if I need help, emotionally it just costs me too much! We had a few falling outs and I just can’t deal with them being too involved even by phone…so I can’t imagine living with them. I’ll stay on someone’s couch before I’ll go back east.
I start my job at Castle Academy tomorrow. I really like their facility and feel ok about Lucian being there. It’s not my first choice of how things would go, but it’s a great option! I'd love for you to come see it and see what you think about Lucian being there. So I plan to take Lucian with me to work every day. I need to find out how much it will cost for him to go there and if C-cap is an option. If they don’t offer a discount, and don’t accept C-cap then I at least have a job until I can figure out what to do next. And start looking for another job. Breast feeding is important to me so I will pump when I can’t be with Lucian to feed him. I’m going to try to set up my schedule so that at least one time that he eats is when I’m on break.
I’m planning to go to those prenatal classes. And then have Lucian at the hospital naturally if at all possible. I plan for your mom to be there, and also Shawn. I’ll be home for at least 6 weeks and then go back to work at Castle Academy (if I can get the infant care stuff worked out with them).
I plan to stay in this apartment at least until the lease is up…and see what the next offer is. Eventually I will need a 2 br place so that Lucian can have his own room. But I think if I had to I could stay in a 1 br for another year.
Names…I’ve thought about a middle name for Lucian. Ryder. What do you think? I am planning to give him your last name, even though no one thinks I should. It’s important to me that he have your name, he’s your son.
With you, I plan to remain as open as I can. Be available to you when/if you want to be involved. I will never do anything to keep you from your son. Having said that, I also will not allow you to be in and out of his life. That’s just not fair to him. I don’t think that will be an issue anyways.
I know it must seem like at times I've been taken over by aliens, and in a way I kind of have been...well, one alien. :-) But at my core I'm still the same person that you decided to have a baby with, that at one time you loved enough to want to marry. I still don't play games, I am still very honest and open, I still love to laugh and be silly. I still love you and care very much for you.
And I'm willing to make myself vulnerable and tell you this because I know that youre still the same person at your core too. I know that you are honest and caring, passionate and strong. And I still know that you'll be the best father that Lucian could ever have. But I know that you're hurting, babydoll and that you don't trust me to not be taken over by aliens. I'm so unbelievably sorry for that, I am doing the very best that I can. I’ve never had to do anything as hard as this before…and I’ve dealt with some hard things in my life.
Anyhow, have I missed anything in regards to plans? If I have feel free to ask me what I’m planning to do…I think I’ve covered all of the bases though.
Let me know when you’re ready to talk; please try to make it soon.
Later that night...
I'm nervous about starting my job tomorrow...I could use some company tonight, if you're up for it. We don't have to 'talk'.
From Rudy
No
September 9, 2009 --- 12 weeks gone
my new job sucks ass!!! how are you? how are things at your job?
September 10, 2009 ---12 weeks gone
Not responding to me again? That's not encouraging.
You said that you know this is going to work...that we're going to be able to raise our baby together. I dont know that and I'm terrified. I don't know that youre going to be there, I don't know that you want to be there...you haven't shown a reason to believe any of that. I'm trying SO hard to be patient and to give you time...but I can't do this anymore. I've got nothing left to give. I have made plans that can be drastically changed based on what you are going to do.
I have been trying SO hard to hold on to all of the reasons that I love you...but you haven't given me any new reasons to love you in 3 months. Instead you've given me a lot of reasons not to love you. I hate you for putting me through this. I hate you for not being here for me, and for not even talking to me. I'm trying to hold on to the love, it gets harder everyday. Be careful that you don't take too long. That's not meant as a threat, I'm just letting you know where I am, even though you won't let me know where you are. I am only so strong, and I can only handle so much. Every day you wait is making the road we have to travel that much harder.
I don't think you know how hard this has been on me, you might not ever know.
I need you now. I need you to show me that you're going to be a part of this. It's time. We've only got 10 weeks and that's if I go full term. Tell me to just trust you, tell me to hold on a little longer. And I will. Tell me that you want nothing to do with me, tell me that you love me, that you don't know how to feel about me, that you're scared too, that you don't know how to trust me. Just tell me something! I can't hold out much longer...
September 16, 2009 ---13 weeks gone
Saw the dr today, everything is fine
I made all of the rest of the appts today:
Oct 9 2:45 PM
Oct 23 2:45 PM
Oct 30 2:30 PM Ultrasound
Nov 6 2:45 PM
Nov 13 2:45 PM
Nov 20 2:45 PM
PS
I think that Brett relayed a message to you about how I really need to hear from you by the end of the month and that we need to start making plans by then. Or I'll have to assume that youre not going to be a part of any of this and I'll have to make plans that don't involve you. Again, this is NOT what I want. I'm backed into a corner and I don't have a choice. I HAVE to start making plans. I feel like I've given you more than enough chance to show me that you want to be involved.
Well the same is true for the Dr appts. If I don't hear from you I'll have to assume that you don't want to know how they go anymore.
I hope you're right, that this is going to work, us raising a kid together. if not, I know i can raise him on my own. NOT what I want, but i can do it just fine if i have to.
talk to me
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Weak Men
So I found out today that Rudy's internet and cable have been cut off because he hasn't been paying his bill. There are two main things that I think about this...
First of all, how am I supposed to get in touch with him now? He changed his phone number a while back and did not give me the new one. Granted I've never asked for it, but it wasn't offered either. The only way I had to get a hold of him was through email. Now that's gone. I don't know where he lives and he's losing his job. The only option I have is for his friends or family to relay a message for me. Fantastic.
Secondly, what the hell!? How is this even possible? When we were buying a house together his parents gave 'us'/him $6,000 for a down payment. He never returned it to them...so where'd it go in 3 months?! Also when we were buying a house I paid off $1400 of his debt, leaving him virtually debt free. He was supposed to pay for the inspection and put $1000 earnest money down, his check bounced. (he never paid me back) His work has been cutting his hours for a little over a month now; gradually working him out, it would seem. Why hasn't he found another job? I found a job and my job field was VERY limited because I had to find somewhere I could take the baby after he comes. He can get ANY kind of job doing ANYTHING! So, what’s the problem?
Let me get this straight…he had 6 grand, I had nothing; he had a full-time job, I lost my job and was unemployed for a month; he only has to worry about himself, I'm pregnant and figuring out how to take care of a baby on my own; and he’s the one getting shit cut off for not paying his bills, while I’m making ends meet and moving forward. Why can't he get his shit together, when I'm pregnant, broke and becoming a single mom and I have my shit together? I have SO much more to deal with than he does, and I'm making it work and even still reaching out to him and offering support for him! What's his deal? What is it with weak men!?
I don’t know which came first…is art imitating life or is life imitating art? Think about it. Weak, stupid, helpless, inept men are EVERYWHERE on TV. Think about every TV show where there is a husband and wife. The Simpsons, Family Guy, According to Jim, King of Queens, Everybody loves Raymond, That 70’s Show, Married with Children. Fat, ugly, stupid, useless men; with pretty, thin, strong women who take care of everything.
Now think about commercials. All of the commercials have women doing everything and being everything and the men are almost always compared to the children. There is one where each kid is looking for something and calling out “mom, where’s my…” Then the husband is seen doing it too. Like women have to do EVERYTHING and men are just large children. Another commercial is about a family with triplets, it’s a bank commercial, and at the end the wife says about the husband “He’s really just the fourth triplet”… NO, HE’S A GROWN MAN!!! And he should be expected to act like one!
This is NOT acceptable! What happened to men taking care of women; or better yet being equal partners? Why has our society made it acceptable and almost expected that men are just going to be fuck ups? And women are expected to be beautiful, smart, organized, patient, loving, soft and strong, cover everything a stay at home mom does and have a full-time job outside the house to bring in money. So then what do we need men for anymore?
This is ridiculous to me! Our family units have broken down so horrifically. And the expectations placed on women today are just unfair. It’s too much to ask any ONE person to handle, man or woman. There is a reason it takes two people to physically make a baby…because one person can’t do all of this alone. As a society I really feel like we need our families back. We need two parents in every household. And what is expected of women needs to also be expected of men!
First of all, how am I supposed to get in touch with him now? He changed his phone number a while back and did not give me the new one. Granted I've never asked for it, but it wasn't offered either. The only way I had to get a hold of him was through email. Now that's gone. I don't know where he lives and he's losing his job. The only option I have is for his friends or family to relay a message for me. Fantastic.
Secondly, what the hell!? How is this even possible? When we were buying a house together his parents gave 'us'/him $6,000 for a down payment. He never returned it to them...so where'd it go in 3 months?! Also when we were buying a house I paid off $1400 of his debt, leaving him virtually debt free. He was supposed to pay for the inspection and put $1000 earnest money down, his check bounced. (he never paid me back) His work has been cutting his hours for a little over a month now; gradually working him out, it would seem. Why hasn't he found another job? I found a job and my job field was VERY limited because I had to find somewhere I could take the baby after he comes. He can get ANY kind of job doing ANYTHING! So, what’s the problem?
Let me get this straight…he had 6 grand, I had nothing; he had a full-time job, I lost my job and was unemployed for a month; he only has to worry about himself, I'm pregnant and figuring out how to take care of a baby on my own; and he’s the one getting shit cut off for not paying his bills, while I’m making ends meet and moving forward. Why can't he get his shit together, when I'm pregnant, broke and becoming a single mom and I have my shit together? I have SO much more to deal with than he does, and I'm making it work and even still reaching out to him and offering support for him! What's his deal? What is it with weak men!?
I don’t know which came first…is art imitating life or is life imitating art? Think about it. Weak, stupid, helpless, inept men are EVERYWHERE on TV. Think about every TV show where there is a husband and wife. The Simpsons, Family Guy, According to Jim, King of Queens, Everybody loves Raymond, That 70’s Show, Married with Children. Fat, ugly, stupid, useless men; with pretty, thin, strong women who take care of everything.
Now think about commercials. All of the commercials have women doing everything and being everything and the men are almost always compared to the children. There is one where each kid is looking for something and calling out “mom, where’s my…” Then the husband is seen doing it too. Like women have to do EVERYTHING and men are just large children. Another commercial is about a family with triplets, it’s a bank commercial, and at the end the wife says about the husband “He’s really just the fourth triplet”… NO, HE’S A GROWN MAN!!! And he should be expected to act like one!
This is NOT acceptable! What happened to men taking care of women; or better yet being equal partners? Why has our society made it acceptable and almost expected that men are just going to be fuck ups? And women are expected to be beautiful, smart, organized, patient, loving, soft and strong, cover everything a stay at home mom does and have a full-time job outside the house to bring in money. So then what do we need men for anymore?
This is ridiculous to me! Our family units have broken down so horrifically. And the expectations placed on women today are just unfair. It’s too much to ask any ONE person to handle, man or woman. There is a reason it takes two people to physically make a baby…because one person can’t do all of this alone. As a society I really feel like we need our families back. We need two parents in every household. And what is expected of women needs to also be expected of men!
Quick and Dirty -- Stephen to Rudy
Stephen and I got married right out of high school. We were married for 6 yrs and now he's gay. Well I guess he was always gay, it's just now he lives that lifestyle. We're still friends and talk often, no hard feelings, not really anything either of us could do about it. Right before things ended I miscarried and the pregnancy made Stephen realize that he had to leave.
Then I married a younger guy named Jason, who spoiled me rotten!!! Things were good until he started drinking too much and cutting himself. That I could deal with (it's not what I want, or ideal, but manageable). Well then it turned on me. He never actually hurt me but threatened to kill me with a loaded gun that I had just talked out of his mouth; a 6 inch carving knife, and a screw driver. If I had stuck around long enough to give him the chance to hurt me, I'd be dead. I have no doubts about that.
I was very fortunate to have a close friend and co-worker to turn to when all of this was going on, Rudy. His girlfriend was also struggling with suicide and he really understood what I was going through and all of the emotions involved. We worked together in a daycare in the same classroom with 15 to 20, 3-year-olds every day. You really get to know someone's character when you take care of that many kids together for just about a year (or so you'd think). With 15 3-year-olds running around stress is high to say the least! :-)
In December last year Jason hit what I thought would be rock bottom. He got arrested for public drunkenness and locked up in the drunk tank for the night to sober up. He had been running around our apartment complex causing all kinds of trouble. Pulling fire alarms so that the fire dept showed up, cussing out other residents and lecturing people on different things he had learned in Bio classes. Unfortunately, that wasn't rock bottom for Jason and he was at it again in early January. I had to leave work to come home and be sure he hadn't hurt himself, and keep him from hurting himself until he passed out.
Well this is when I realized I'd had enough. Nothing was getting better, Jason refused to get help, and I was going to end up getting hurt. I'm not a victim, and I couldn't let myself be one anymore. A few weeks later Jason moved back to West Virginia and I got my own apartment.
By the time things really started to unravel with Jason, Rudy and his girlfriend had broken up and we realized that we had more than a friendship. We started dating very shortly after things ended with Jason. We lived together and were looking to buy a house (the Denver market was crazy good!) Rudy worked at the daycare with me and he also worked 2 other jobs. He has been involved in Martial arts for 18 years and teaches kids and adults at his Dojo and also at Lifetime fitness. Also for the Dojo he helps film instructional videos (he's in them getting thrown around) and then edits them for production. He's an eagle scout, and has his 2nd degree black belt in two different forms of martial arts, Ninjutsu and Jujutsu. Although he'd never tell you that and would be embarrassed that I told you, he's very modest and private.
Since we both worked in daycare and love kids and things were going so well with us we decided to have a baby together. Everything was great until about 4 months into the pregnancy and he said he didn't want to do this anymore. I was mad and told him to get out then. He did. And now he won't even talk to me. He's been gone 3 months. So we'll see what happens in the next few months.
So now I'm working at a different daycare that accepts infants. I can bring the baby there with me every day after he's born. I'm figuring out how to do all of this on my own, and if I have to put him in daycare I'd rather it be one where I also work.
Then I married a younger guy named Jason, who spoiled me rotten!!! Things were good until he started drinking too much and cutting himself. That I could deal with (it's not what I want, or ideal, but manageable). Well then it turned on me. He never actually hurt me but threatened to kill me with a loaded gun that I had just talked out of his mouth; a 6 inch carving knife, and a screw driver. If I had stuck around long enough to give him the chance to hurt me, I'd be dead. I have no doubts about that.
I was very fortunate to have a close friend and co-worker to turn to when all of this was going on, Rudy. His girlfriend was also struggling with suicide and he really understood what I was going through and all of the emotions involved. We worked together in a daycare in the same classroom with 15 to 20, 3-year-olds every day. You really get to know someone's character when you take care of that many kids together for just about a year (or so you'd think). With 15 3-year-olds running around stress is high to say the least! :-)
In December last year Jason hit what I thought would be rock bottom. He got arrested for public drunkenness and locked up in the drunk tank for the night to sober up. He had been running around our apartment complex causing all kinds of trouble. Pulling fire alarms so that the fire dept showed up, cussing out other residents and lecturing people on different things he had learned in Bio classes. Unfortunately, that wasn't rock bottom for Jason and he was at it again in early January. I had to leave work to come home and be sure he hadn't hurt himself, and keep him from hurting himself until he passed out.
Well this is when I realized I'd had enough. Nothing was getting better, Jason refused to get help, and I was going to end up getting hurt. I'm not a victim, and I couldn't let myself be one anymore. A few weeks later Jason moved back to West Virginia and I got my own apartment.
By the time things really started to unravel with Jason, Rudy and his girlfriend had broken up and we realized that we had more than a friendship. We started dating very shortly after things ended with Jason. We lived together and were looking to buy a house (the Denver market was crazy good!) Rudy worked at the daycare with me and he also worked 2 other jobs. He has been involved in Martial arts for 18 years and teaches kids and adults at his Dojo and also at Lifetime fitness. Also for the Dojo he helps film instructional videos (he's in them getting thrown around) and then edits them for production. He's an eagle scout, and has his 2nd degree black belt in two different forms of martial arts, Ninjutsu and Jujutsu. Although he'd never tell you that and would be embarrassed that I told you, he's very modest and private.
Since we both worked in daycare and love kids and things were going so well with us we decided to have a baby together. Everything was great until about 4 months into the pregnancy and he said he didn't want to do this anymore. I was mad and told him to get out then. He did. And now he won't even talk to me. He's been gone 3 months. So we'll see what happens in the next few months.
So now I'm working at a different daycare that accepts infants. I can bring the baby there with me every day after he's born. I'm figuring out how to do all of this on my own, and if I have to put him in daycare I'd rather it be one where I also work.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Ding! Round 2
Last night I really let Rudy have it. I think I've been patient and understanding, even kind and generous, through all of this. I've been an adult and tried very hard to put my hurt feelings aside to look at the bigger picture and to try and help him figure out his feelings.
Well no more! I'm done! Last night I took off the kid gloves I've been using with him. I swept up the egg shells I've been walking on and I told him exactly how I'm feeling. Here's what I said:
You said that you know this is going to work...that we're going to be able to raise our baby together. I don’t know that and I'm terrified. I don't know that you’re going to be there, I don't know that you want to be there...you haven't shown a reason to believe any of that. I'm trying SO hard to be patient and to give you time...but I can't do this anymore. I've got nothing left to give. I have made plans that can be drastically changed based on what you are going to do.
I have been trying SO hard to hold on to all of the reasons that I love you...but you haven't given me any new reasons to love you in 3 months. Instead you've given me a lot of reasons not to love you. I hate you for putting me through this. I hate you for not being here for me, and for not even talking to me. I'm trying to hold on to the love, it gets harder every day. Be careful that you don't take too long. That's not meant as a threat, I'm just letting you know where I am, even though you won't let me know where you are. I am only so strong, and I can only handle so much. Every day you wait is making the road we have to travel that much harder.
I don't think you know how hard this has been on me, you might not ever know.
I need you now. I need you to show me that you're going to be a part of this. It's time. We've only got 10 weeks and that's if I go full term. Tell me to just trust you, tell me to hold on a little longer. And I will. Tell me that you want nothing to do with me, tell me that you love me, that you don't know how to feel about me, that you're scared too, that you don't know how to trust me. Just tell me something! I can't hold out much longer...
I guess we'll see if he responds. Notice I say IF he responds not how he will respond.
Re-reading that with fresh eyes this morning, I don't think I was harsh enough. I wish I had told him that it's time to grow up. That it's time to man up, own his decisions and follow through with the outcomes! Tell him that he made grown up decisions and now he has to deal with the grown up consequences. Quit being such a child about all of this and DEAL.
Then this morning here's what my horoscope says:
Today is all about new beginnings. The journey you're currently on is going to be long, but it will also be pretty fun. Thank goodness your energy is high and you can withstand just about anything that comes your way. After all, you're going to need it.
How fitting. I hope its right. I'm ready for a new beginning! Either way it goes, Rudy comes back and pulls a 180, or he doesn't come back at all; I'm just ready to move on. To move forward, and to start healing. This open wound is killing me. I've left it open long enough.
I suppose I just need to figure out what I'll do if he doesn't respond. Am I comfortable with him being at the birth when he hasn't spoken but a few words to me in over 5 months (by that time)? Do I want to fight him for full custody? Do I really have the heart to just cut him off completely?
I don't know.
Right now I just pray that these are questions I don't ever have to answer.
Well no more! I'm done! Last night I took off the kid gloves I've been using with him. I swept up the egg shells I've been walking on and I told him exactly how I'm feeling. Here's what I said:
You said that you know this is going to work...that we're going to be able to raise our baby together. I don’t know that and I'm terrified. I don't know that you’re going to be there, I don't know that you want to be there...you haven't shown a reason to believe any of that. I'm trying SO hard to be patient and to give you time...but I can't do this anymore. I've got nothing left to give. I have made plans that can be drastically changed based on what you are going to do.
I have been trying SO hard to hold on to all of the reasons that I love you...but you haven't given me any new reasons to love you in 3 months. Instead you've given me a lot of reasons not to love you. I hate you for putting me through this. I hate you for not being here for me, and for not even talking to me. I'm trying to hold on to the love, it gets harder every day. Be careful that you don't take too long. That's not meant as a threat, I'm just letting you know where I am, even though you won't let me know where you are. I am only so strong, and I can only handle so much. Every day you wait is making the road we have to travel that much harder.
I don't think you know how hard this has been on me, you might not ever know.
I need you now. I need you to show me that you're going to be a part of this. It's time. We've only got 10 weeks and that's if I go full term. Tell me to just trust you, tell me to hold on a little longer. And I will. Tell me that you want nothing to do with me, tell me that you love me, that you don't know how to feel about me, that you're scared too, that you don't know how to trust me. Just tell me something! I can't hold out much longer...
I guess we'll see if he responds. Notice I say IF he responds not how he will respond.
Re-reading that with fresh eyes this morning, I don't think I was harsh enough. I wish I had told him that it's time to grow up. That it's time to man up, own his decisions and follow through with the outcomes! Tell him that he made grown up decisions and now he has to deal with the grown up consequences. Quit being such a child about all of this and DEAL.
Then this morning here's what my horoscope says:
Today is all about new beginnings. The journey you're currently on is going to be long, but it will also be pretty fun. Thank goodness your energy is high and you can withstand just about anything that comes your way. After all, you're going to need it.
How fitting. I hope its right. I'm ready for a new beginning! Either way it goes, Rudy comes back and pulls a 180, or he doesn't come back at all; I'm just ready to move on. To move forward, and to start healing. This open wound is killing me. I've left it open long enough.
I suppose I just need to figure out what I'll do if he doesn't respond. Am I comfortable with him being at the birth when he hasn't spoken but a few words to me in over 5 months (by that time)? Do I want to fight him for full custody? Do I really have the heart to just cut him off completely?
I don't know.
Right now I just pray that these are questions I don't ever have to answer.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Finally did it
The last week in August I did something very brave! I (finally) sent out papers to the state of Virginia to find my birth mother and family. I'd had the paper to fill out for almost 5 years, since I worked at Rockbridge in VA, but I was always too afraid to send it in, or even fill it out.
The way it works is, I fill out the paper and send it in to some government something in VA, they contact the agency that was involved in my adoption, who in turn tries to contact my birth mother or family. On the paper it said that the agency that looks for my family might charge a fee of an unknown amount. Also that if they contact my mother/family and she/they say "no, don't give her our information, we don't want to be contacted by her" it's over. That's it.
So now I'm 'all in' and there's no turning back. It's pretty freakin scary and I can't think of anything to liken it to if you're not adopted. It’s this huge life-changing thing that you’ve thought about your entire life, the outcome is final and you have no control over it.
I didn’t mention that I’d done this until now, because it’s SO huge and I’d rather not think about it and drive myself crazy waiting and wondering how everything will turn out. I have no idea how long it will take or what kind of information I’ll get back. So I figure it’s better to just not think about it. I suppose that makes now the perfect time to send it out because there are SO many other things taking up my attention right now.
I have often talked about wanting to find my birth mother, and family. And I compare it to sky diving. It’s something that I think about a lot and would LOVE to do, but, I will have to have someone strapped to my back to push me out of the plane!
Well I guess it turns out that’s not true. It turns out the only person I needed to push me, was me.
The way it works is, I fill out the paper and send it in to some government something in VA, they contact the agency that was involved in my adoption, who in turn tries to contact my birth mother or family. On the paper it said that the agency that looks for my family might charge a fee of an unknown amount. Also that if they contact my mother/family and she/they say "no, don't give her our information, we don't want to be contacted by her" it's over. That's it.
So now I'm 'all in' and there's no turning back. It's pretty freakin scary and I can't think of anything to liken it to if you're not adopted. It’s this huge life-changing thing that you’ve thought about your entire life, the outcome is final and you have no control over it.
I didn’t mention that I’d done this until now, because it’s SO huge and I’d rather not think about it and drive myself crazy waiting and wondering how everything will turn out. I have no idea how long it will take or what kind of information I’ll get back. So I figure it’s better to just not think about it. I suppose that makes now the perfect time to send it out because there are SO many other things taking up my attention right now.
I have often talked about wanting to find my birth mother, and family. And I compare it to sky diving. It’s something that I think about a lot and would LOVE to do, but, I will have to have someone strapped to my back to push me out of the plane!
Well I guess it turns out that’s not true. It turns out the only person I needed to push me, was me.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Why
I have been asked why I would post something like my post "The Lake House" So I gave that some thought. Why is it important to me that be out there? Other than being a horrible, traumatic event, what purpose does it serve to rehash it?
After careful consideration I came to a realization. Those events have shaped my life and my character, for good or bad, more than any others in my life. Every area of my life was affected, self confidence, sexual identity, how I saw my family, how I make decisions, views on sex and sexual pleasure, views on authority, my place in the world.
Because of the abuse and the events that followed I no longer trusted adults to have my best interest at heart. After that respect was not something that was just freely given to adults or any authority figure. Respect was, from then on, earned over time and solely because of one's actions, not because of a position that was held.
Because all of this happened I did as I pleased without regard to how it would affect my parents or anyone else for that matter. It is why felt like I could elope and get married at 18, why I am so stubborn, why I'm independent. And why I make most all of my life decisions on my own, the way that I want to.
Because of the abuse and how it was handled I got the message, at age 13, that I was the only one I could count on, and that I was the only one that was really going to put me first, above EVERYTHING else. And so I lived my life accordingly from then on.
That's not to say I was a kid living on the street having to fend for myself. But emotionally, mentally, from my point of view I was on my own.
Having said that, I don't think I did too badly! :-) Sure I made some fast decisions that didn't end up the way I thought they would. There was quite a bit of hurt involved in some of the outcomes. But I came through it an open and warm person who lives life taking chances knowing things might not turn out the way I planned; and being ok with that. I can take a hit and keep moving forward. And most importantly I don't feel like I've missed out on anything. I have no regrets. There is nothing I look back on and think, 'gee I wonder what would have happened if I'd just gone for it'. I went for it! What a challenging thing to do in life; especially after you’ve been hurt before! It's like the guys in the x-games. Those guys couldn't do all of those tricks without 'going for it'; being fully committed to each move, regardless of the outcome. And in perfecting their sport and striving to be the best, sometimes they get hurt. You bandage yourself up and try again. And I think that's a bold, fantastic way to live!
After careful consideration I came to a realization. Those events have shaped my life and my character, for good or bad, more than any others in my life. Every area of my life was affected, self confidence, sexual identity, how I saw my family, how I make decisions, views on sex and sexual pleasure, views on authority, my place in the world.
Because of the abuse and the events that followed I no longer trusted adults to have my best interest at heart. After that respect was not something that was just freely given to adults or any authority figure. Respect was, from then on, earned over time and solely because of one's actions, not because of a position that was held.
Because all of this happened I did as I pleased without regard to how it would affect my parents or anyone else for that matter. It is why felt like I could elope and get married at 18, why I am so stubborn, why I'm independent. And why I make most all of my life decisions on my own, the way that I want to.
Because of the abuse and how it was handled I got the message, at age 13, that I was the only one I could count on, and that I was the only one that was really going to put me first, above EVERYTHING else. And so I lived my life accordingly from then on.
That's not to say I was a kid living on the street having to fend for myself. But emotionally, mentally, from my point of view I was on my own.
Having said that, I don't think I did too badly! :-) Sure I made some fast decisions that didn't end up the way I thought they would. There was quite a bit of hurt involved in some of the outcomes. But I came through it an open and warm person who lives life taking chances knowing things might not turn out the way I planned; and being ok with that. I can take a hit and keep moving forward. And most importantly I don't feel like I've missed out on anything. I have no regrets. There is nothing I look back on and think, 'gee I wonder what would have happened if I'd just gone for it'. I went for it! What a challenging thing to do in life; especially after you’ve been hurt before! It's like the guys in the x-games. Those guys couldn't do all of those tricks without 'going for it'; being fully committed to each move, regardless of the outcome. And in perfecting their sport and striving to be the best, sometimes they get hurt. You bandage yourself up and try again. And I think that's a bold, fantastic way to live!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
One Small Step
Yesterday I got an unsolicited email from Dave. I was floored! I read the email and he just needed some info. So I emailed the info back to him and reminded him that I had some papers of his and had also found his spare earring. I asked how I could get those things to him, fully expecting it would go unanswered like every other time I've tried to get his things to him. A few hours later I got a response! "I'll come by today at 215 I just can't stay". My heart started racing. He's coming by the apartment!? Really? Whoa! That's fantastic!
I had wanted him to come by because he hasn't seen everything settled in. You walk in the door and can feel this peace and settled feeling. His mom was here a few days before and when she walked in the door she exclaimed! "WOW! This is fantastic! I love it! This is exactly what you need. This is the kind of place you can feel excited about bringing your baby home!" I think him seeing this would change how he sees me. When we first split I was pitiful! And I'm sure he saw me that way. This needy pathetic person that just wanted him back. But now, I thought if he saw the apartment all together, my life all together, me doing fantastic without him, it would change his view of me as well. Make me more attractive and desirable, make him think I want to be a part of that too.
I also wanted him to see all of the baby things, to make things real for him too. I'm living with 2 bassinets, clothes, toys, bottles and everything else baby. Not to mention my huge belly and the thing moving around all the time in there! Baby is VERY real, to me!
So the time comes and there is a knock at the door. I open it. He is standing to the inside of the door leaning with one hand against the door frame. Blue shirt, blue hat on backwards, sunglasses. He comes in and says nothing. My mind goes blank and I can't remember where I put his stuff! I find it and give it to him. He sorts through it and says that he doesn't really need any of the papers but that he wants the earring. He gives me a hug. A real hug. It felt fantastic to be in his arms.
I tell him I know he has to go but I want to show him something real fast and move towards the bedroom to show him the baby stuff. He walks in and says "you have two". Meaning the bassinets.
I said "yeah, I actually wanted to know if you want this one." "Do you want to be involved in any of this" I motion towards my belly.
He says 'Yeah, uhh maybe I'm just not really sure what I'm doing right now. I don't know what's going on. ummm I don't really have a job right now, I'm only working 18 hours a week.'
I asked 'well do they have anything else for you?' He said no.
Then I asked him to look at one more thing and brought him into the bathroom closet to see all of the baby clothes. I asked "well, if you want to be involved in this, can we sit down and talk about what that looks like? What you want? Logistically what that means?"
He said "yeah uhh just not right now, some other time". He couldn't get out of the apartment fast enough. I could tell he was really uncomfortable and just didn't want to be here. I got 2 more hugs and as he walked out the door I asked if he wanted to be there for the birth. He stuttered again saying something along the lines of 'yeah, umm maybe, I'm not really sure yet, maybe'. And he was gone.
While is was only about 5 mins, if that, I think it was a good step and may have had a lot of impact. He saw all of the baby stuff which has to make the baby more real to him. He saw my huge belly (even though I look fantastic! haha) which also makes the baby more real. And most importantly we opened the door to a conversation about his involvement in the baby and being there for the birth. Overall I felt really good about how things went.
Right after he left, I got the phone call about getting a job! I sent him an email to let him know. There was no response. I don't think he could take anymore for the day! hahaha
I had wanted him to come by because he hasn't seen everything settled in. You walk in the door and can feel this peace and settled feeling. His mom was here a few days before and when she walked in the door she exclaimed! "WOW! This is fantastic! I love it! This is exactly what you need. This is the kind of place you can feel excited about bringing your baby home!" I think him seeing this would change how he sees me. When we first split I was pitiful! And I'm sure he saw me that way. This needy pathetic person that just wanted him back. But now, I thought if he saw the apartment all together, my life all together, me doing fantastic without him, it would change his view of me as well. Make me more attractive and desirable, make him think I want to be a part of that too.
I also wanted him to see all of the baby things, to make things real for him too. I'm living with 2 bassinets, clothes, toys, bottles and everything else baby. Not to mention my huge belly and the thing moving around all the time in there! Baby is VERY real, to me!
So the time comes and there is a knock at the door. I open it. He is standing to the inside of the door leaning with one hand against the door frame. Blue shirt, blue hat on backwards, sunglasses. He comes in and says nothing. My mind goes blank and I can't remember where I put his stuff! I find it and give it to him. He sorts through it and says that he doesn't really need any of the papers but that he wants the earring. He gives me a hug. A real hug. It felt fantastic to be in his arms.
I tell him I know he has to go but I want to show him something real fast and move towards the bedroom to show him the baby stuff. He walks in and says "you have two". Meaning the bassinets.
I said "yeah, I actually wanted to know if you want this one." "Do you want to be involved in any of this" I motion towards my belly.
He says 'Yeah, uhh maybe I'm just not really sure what I'm doing right now. I don't know what's going on. ummm I don't really have a job right now, I'm only working 18 hours a week.'
I asked 'well do they have anything else for you?' He said no.
Then I asked him to look at one more thing and brought him into the bathroom closet to see all of the baby clothes. I asked "well, if you want to be involved in this, can we sit down and talk about what that looks like? What you want? Logistically what that means?"
He said "yeah uhh just not right now, some other time". He couldn't get out of the apartment fast enough. I could tell he was really uncomfortable and just didn't want to be here. I got 2 more hugs and as he walked out the door I asked if he wanted to be there for the birth. He stuttered again saying something along the lines of 'yeah, umm maybe, I'm not really sure yet, maybe'. And he was gone.
While is was only about 5 mins, if that, I think it was a good step and may have had a lot of impact. He saw all of the baby stuff which has to make the baby more real to him. He saw my huge belly (even though I look fantastic! haha) which also makes the baby more real. And most importantly we opened the door to a conversation about his involvement in the baby and being there for the birth. Overall I felt really good about how things went.
Right after he left, I got the phone call about getting a job! I sent him an email to let him know. There was no response. I don't think he could take anymore for the day! hahaha
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Turning a corner
Today I got a job!!!! And not just any job, a fantastic job where I can bring my son when he's born! It's with Castle Academy, a private daycare in Castle Rock, CO. I interviewed with them yesterday and really liked everything I saw about them. They seem to be much more focused on the children and not as much just the bottom line.
The really fantastic bit is that they accept infants. That means that when Lucian is born I can take him there with me! That has been the hardest part of finding a job...what would I do when Lucian was born? Where would I put him? I did not want to put him into a corporate daycare, and I wanted to be close to him so that I can see him whenever I want to! This job allows that to happen!
The other fantastic part is that this means I now have a way to stay in Colorado for sure! That's why things have been so hard...I didn't even know where I would live, much less what I would do for a job or the logistics of working once the baby comes, and how I was going to support my child! Any one of these would be an overwhelming problem to figure out and I had to deal with all of it at once! Throw in there Rudy emotions and issues, pregnancy hormones, divorce papers, computer viruses, $900 toll bills in collections and that is MORE than enough to make anyone just buckle and say uncle, I give! But I held out just long enough and this job came just in time!
The weight that has been lifted off of me is indescribable! I feel empowered and uplifted. Like all of my hope that things will work out is well placed. What a fantastic day!
The really fantastic bit is that they accept infants. That means that when Lucian is born I can take him there with me! That has been the hardest part of finding a job...what would I do when Lucian was born? Where would I put him? I did not want to put him into a corporate daycare, and I wanted to be close to him so that I can see him whenever I want to! This job allows that to happen!
The other fantastic part is that this means I now have a way to stay in Colorado for sure! That's why things have been so hard...I didn't even know where I would live, much less what I would do for a job or the logistics of working once the baby comes, and how I was going to support my child! Any one of these would be an overwhelming problem to figure out and I had to deal with all of it at once! Throw in there Rudy emotions and issues, pregnancy hormones, divorce papers, computer viruses, $900 toll bills in collections and that is MORE than enough to make anyone just buckle and say uncle, I give! But I held out just long enough and this job came just in time!
The weight that has been lifted off of me is indescribable! I feel empowered and uplifted. Like all of my hope that things will work out is well placed. What a fantastic day!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
