Finally had enough

First of all, I’m tired to using pretend names. I did that at first because I made the blog public and I didn’t want anyone to be upset about me writing about them. Well now that it’s private that doesn’t matter anymore. So Dave is really Rudy, James is really Jason, and Michael is really Stephen. Rudy is my baby daddy, Jason is my second husband that tried to kill me, and Stephen is my first husband that is now gay…whoa


I think I'm one of those people that push themselves and everything they do to the utmost extreme. I often don’t know my limits or boundaries until I’ve hit them at full speed! That seemed to be true with Jason and Stephen. I held out and held out, gave chance after chance. And then finally SNAP! I hit my breaking point. Most people I’ve talked to tell me that my breaking point is WAY beyond most peoples. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. But I have to know that I’ve tried everything humanly possible and a little more before I give up. I don’t ever want to look back on something and wonder if the outcome could have been different if I’d held on a little longer. I have to be the last one to leave the party.

Well today, seemingly out of nowhere, I hit my breaking point with Rudy.

Here’s how it all went down:

I sent an email this morning (apparently he is still getting emails on his cell phone) and said “I need to see you”. Nothing else. This afternoon I got an email back! Shocker! “why”.

Why!? Why the hell do you think?! I’m 31 weeks pregnant with your baby and you say you want to be involved and then won’t talk to me. I’m trying to be nice and reach out to you to let/help you be involved because that’s what you said you wanted! And I don’t want to be broadsided by you whenever you decide to come around.

So I responded “because you're not responding to me, because we need to talk, because I'm having your baby, because I'm trying to help you be a part of this, I'm already having Braxton-hicks contractions, I can't have you just show up when I'm in labor or just show up after Lucian is born, and because I need you to show me that you really want to be a part of this”

“I don’t want to see you”

*****SNAP*****

Taryn -- “I don’t want to see you either. I said that I need to see you

If you can't man up and deal now, then don't show up when Lucian is being born. I'm done Rudy. I'm done with your bullshit and your games. I’m done with the ‘poor Rudy, Taryn told him to get the fuck out, and now he can’t get his shit together.’ If you don't want to see me and be a part of this; or be an adult and figure out what we're going to do. Then don't show up. I will do ALL of this on my own. I’m not going to wait for you to 'come around' anymore. I’m done.

Stop being a coward, stop being a baby, and grow the fuck up already. You're having a KID!!
And if at some point you do pull your head out of your ass and decide that you do want to be a part of your son's life, it will have to be on my terms. When I'm ready.

So think about it real hard before you decide.
I've gone way beyond what anyone else would do in this situation. And I need you to know that all of it is for Lucian, not you. I don't want you in my life anymore than you want me in yours. But we have a kid and you should be able to be an adult and deal with this. If you can't then I don't want you around Lucian either.

Decide”

Rudy -- “Lets go with one thing you said I'm having kid cause I'm ready and it doesn't matter who its with. That doesn't make it my kid it means I have been used by you to fulfill your messed up fantasy. Fuck your shit don't push me”

Taryn – “WOW that's really fucked up Rudy! We talked about having this baby for over a month!!! Now you're saying that I was pushing you into it!? That's fucked up. you're just scared now.

And if you're so ready for this...then fucking act like it! What have you done to be ready for this?”

Rudy – “Scared no, so fucking close to making it so I have full custody, so don't fucking push me stop making shit and stop lying don't e mail me or I'll get a restraining order for harassment leave me alone please”

Taryn – “Please don't get into custody issues. That's a road you don't want to go down. Who would give you custody, when you walked out and you haven't been involved? What am I lying about?

And I will push you, cause someone needs to! I didn’t force you to do this. We decided to have a baby together. And now you need to decide if you’re going to be a part of his life. You have said before that you do want to be a part of this, if that is still true then you need to start acting like it. Lucian deserves to have both of his parents in his life, but if you can’t get it together that might not be in the cards. I will protect him with a fierceness that you have never seen before. I have a college degree, a steady job at a daycare, pay my bills on time, and a stable home...it wouldn't be much of a fight. Please don't force this fight, you won't win. And Lucian will be the one who loses the most.

I don't want to do this without you. I can do it, and be damn good at it too! But damn it Rudy! God, even though I should hate you and there is NO logic for it I love you; in the truest, purest way a person can love. It's not love like a girlfriend, its love like a life-long friend or partner. Like family. I love you even though I hate what you’ve done and what you are doing! Even though you have hurt me more than any other person in my life. You don't deserve my love right now, but I don't care about you because you deserve it. I care about you because of who I am and for who you are at your core. I love you for who you were before, not for who you're acting like now. I love the person who said he would make my favorite chocolates if we couldn’t find them at the store, the person who tried so hard to hear a song on the radio that made you think of me. The person that broke the cat post cause he tried to perch on it like a bird and then chased me around the apartment.

Please, cut the bullshit Rudy, you’re going to miss out on everything! And you can’t get it back…I don’t want to see that happen to you.

God, I hate you right now…I try to pretend that I'm tough, that I can stop caring about you, and 'put my foot down'. The truth is that I would always take you back, anytime. All you'd have to do is show up. Just knock on my door! Even after all you've put me through, as mean and hurtful as you've been, ignoring me. We can work it out, I would take you back. Not because I'm weak or a door mat. Not because I can't find someone else; that would treat me better. But exactly the opposite, simply because I love you and I am strong enough to love you no matter what you do to me.

Things can go one of two ways...unfortunately there doesn't seem to be any room for middle ground here. And the decision of how it will go is entirely up to you...chose well. Please, for Lucian.”

Rudy -- "Well deep down inside of me is a part you have never seen and you are making it become pure anger that song was for hannah now don't e mail me you do I swear you will see a side of me you never new existed don't think your all great every one at the day care hated you they all knew you had too much anger and all saw how you would snap at the kids so don't tell you can raise a kid and the only reason you have money to afford anything is because of your fucking parents don't you even think about responding ever good bye"


Rudy -- "Don't go running to my mom"

Taryn -- "I didn't go running to anyone, I spoke to my friend. I wanted her to know that no matter what happens she can still be in Lucian's life. She has been very supportive of me and I wanted her to know that whatever happens between you and I, doesn't affect my relationship with her. This is her grandson, and she deserves to be involved."

Rudy -- "Get out of my family its not yours and I believe I said don't FUCKING email me"


Taryn -- "I'm sorry, but your family is my family now too. Your mom wants to be a part of this and I will not turn her away.
I'm really sad about the decision that you've made."



Rudy -- No they are not your family get the fuck out of their life

Taryn -- "I'm sorry you'll have to take that up with your mom. I will not turn her away or force her out of Lucian's life."

Rudy -- "Don't talk to me"

Taryn -- "Ok, I'm gone. Bye Rudy"