These are also Rudy's letters back to me...and yes it's all of them. You might forget that I've included his responses, because there really hasn't been any.
July 12, 2009 --- 3 weeks gone
July 12, 2009 --- 3 weeks gone
I write this with sincerity and love, and NOTHING more. I have no motive and I don't expect it to change anything. I have no expectations of you, do whatever it is that you need to do for yourself.
I know you probably don't want to hear from me and that you blame me for a lot of whats happening. I can't tell you how sorry I am for everything that's going on. Things have gotten so out of control and out of hand. I don't know what to do, I feel helpless. I wish there was a way to make everything right again. Not just with us, but with your whole family and in your life. I want you to be happy and have the things you want in your life. If that includes me and Lucian that's awesome.
I don't agree with what your mom has done or the way she is reacting to you. I agree with you that she is acting a bit childish. But I'm not her and I can never fully know how she is feeling. I wish I had never gone to her for help after our fight. I think things would be a lot different now if I hadn't. At the time I thought I was doing the right thing. I know now that it was NOT the right thing to do. I'm sorry. I am committed to making this right.
With everything that's going on, I just want you to know that I'm still here. If there is ANYTHING that you need EVER, you can call me and you can count on me to be there. With no expectations, guilt or obligations. I truly love you and I would do anything for you. I don't say 'I love you' lightly. I mean it and it is a commitment. Think about it, I let Stephen cheat on me with guys for 5 years just so that he could figure out if he's gay or not. I dealt with Jason and his cutting and threatening to kill me for 2 years. And I will be there for you, whatever that means to you. If you need solid time away from me with no contact at all, just let me know. I just don't want you to think that I've abandoned you or that I'm angry with you. I'm here, and you are NOT alone. Just tell me what you need.
While your family has been very supportive of me (because of the baby and nothing else) if you need me to pull back and not have contact with them so that you and I can figure things out on our own. I will do that You are the most important thing to me. Even though you don't agree right now, you are my family. I still want to be your wife, if you'll ever have me again.
I love you and I'm here for you, whatever you need
All my heart
Taryn
I know you probably don't want to hear from me and that you blame me for a lot of whats happening. I can't tell you how sorry I am for everything that's going on. Things have gotten so out of control and out of hand. I don't know what to do, I feel helpless. I wish there was a way to make everything right again. Not just with us, but with your whole family and in your life. I want you to be happy and have the things you want in your life. If that includes me and Lucian that's awesome.
I don't agree with what your mom has done or the way she is reacting to you. I agree with you that she is acting a bit childish. But I'm not her and I can never fully know how she is feeling. I wish I had never gone to her for help after our fight. I think things would be a lot different now if I hadn't. At the time I thought I was doing the right thing. I know now that it was NOT the right thing to do. I'm sorry. I am committed to making this right.
With everything that's going on, I just want you to know that I'm still here. If there is ANYTHING that you need EVER, you can call me and you can count on me to be there. With no expectations, guilt or obligations. I truly love you and I would do anything for you. I don't say 'I love you' lightly. I mean it and it is a commitment. Think about it, I let Stephen cheat on me with guys for 5 years just so that he could figure out if he's gay or not. I dealt with Jason and his cutting and threatening to kill me for 2 years. And I will be there for you, whatever that means to you. If you need solid time away from me with no contact at all, just let me know. I just don't want you to think that I've abandoned you or that I'm angry with you. I'm here, and you are NOT alone. Just tell me what you need.
While your family has been very supportive of me (because of the baby and nothing else) if you need me to pull back and not have contact with them so that you and I can figure things out on our own. I will do that You are the most important thing to me. Even though you don't agree right now, you are my family. I still want to be your wife, if you'll ever have me again.
I love you and I'm here for you, whatever you need
All my heart
Taryn
July 13, 2009 --- 3 weeks gone
I thought about it and I've decided that it's best for us if I pull back from your family. Your mom especially. I don't think you are really talking to her right now so I wanted to tell you. I'm going to talk to her about it tomorrow and let her know. I'm very sorry if you felt like we were ganging up on you, that was NEVER my intention. Hopefully this will help us figure out what we want to do.
Yesterday I said that I'm here if you need me...know that I need you. I need you because I want you in my life. I miss you
Taryn
Yesterday I said that I'm here if you need me...know that I need you. I need you because I want you in my life. I miss you
Taryn
July 18, 2009 from Rudy
Just so you know there is no us and I'm not coming back
July 19, 2009 --- 4 weeks gone
If you have decided that you don't want to be with me, that's your decision. Thank you for letting me know. I wish that you would have talked to me some and tried to figure things out (or at least let me know what you're thinking and why this is happening) instead of just deciding on your own. And this is not what I want. But it sounds like the decision is made. I will respect your decision.
I just want you to be happy, even if it means that I'm not.
I will still always be here. I care about you as a person, and as the father of Lucian. Which brings me to a question that does need to be answered. What are you decisions about being in his life?
I just want you to be happy, even if it means that I'm not.
I will still always be here. I care about you as a person, and as the father of Lucian. Which brings me to a question that does need to be answered. What are you decisions about being in his life?
July 21, 2009 --- 4 weeks gone
I'm starting to get really upset. I think I've been more than patient and very understanding and supportive even though I have no idea what's going on and I am incredibly hurt.
We had a fight and I got upset. Because I was afraid that you were saying you didn't want to be with me. Which turns out to be true. So I was justified in being scared and getting upset. But I didn't handle my feelings well. I am very sorry and I can understand that it would be hard for you to trust me right now. I wish that you could be brave and try to trust me again. We did have a good thing. There was SO much on our plate that we were dealing with, and we didn't really have a good foundation to cope with all of that. Part of that is gone now (the house) but part of it is not going to go away even if you don't want to be with me. We are having a baby. I don't deserve to do this on my own, especially when we had planned to do it together. I can't just bail, the way it feels like you have since you won't even talk to me.
I don't think I've done anything that is SO bad that I deserved to be ignored and going through a planned pregnancy alone. I'm a person too Rudy, and you have hurt me beyond what I can take at this point. I don't deserve to be treated this way and ignored.
I am terrified! This isn't what I signed up for, it's not fair. It seems to me that your life is going on as if nothing has even happened...and my entire life is forever turned upside down. I'm not saying that you don't have shit you're dealing with too...I know you have bad things that you are dealing with too. But you don't seem to be worrying how to pay your rent, or where you'll work in 5 months, how to take care of a baby and still have an income, or whether or not you'll be doing all of this alone.
Why can't you talk to me? Tell me what you're thinking, tell me why you're upset. I know that you're upset because you heard me say to get out and not come back, and that I went to your mom. I know I hurt you, I will forever be sorry for it. Why does it upset you to the point that you can't even speak to me, even 6 weeks later?
I would like to think that at some point you did actually love me, maybe in some way you still might. I don't understand how you can hurt me this way. I'm having your baby, that at one point you wanted too. I'm not saying that we need to be together. I'm honestly not sure if that's something I can even do right now, it might be possible down the road a bit. I need some time to heal right now too. But either way we need to figure out what to do about Lucian. Please, talk to me at least about that. I deserve at least that much.
Taryn
I tracked Rudy down August 1st and gave him a box of this things. 7 weeks gone
I saw Rudy again August 10th with more of his things. 8 weeks gone
August 23, 2009 --- 9 weeks gone
hey I have some more of your papers, why don't you swing by and pick them up
We had a fight and I got upset. Because I was afraid that you were saying you didn't want to be with me. Which turns out to be true. So I was justified in being scared and getting upset. But I didn't handle my feelings well. I am very sorry and I can understand that it would be hard for you to trust me right now. I wish that you could be brave and try to trust me again. We did have a good thing. There was SO much on our plate that we were dealing with, and we didn't really have a good foundation to cope with all of that. Part of that is gone now (the house) but part of it is not going to go away even if you don't want to be with me. We are having a baby. I don't deserve to do this on my own, especially when we had planned to do it together. I can't just bail, the way it feels like you have since you won't even talk to me.
I don't think I've done anything that is SO bad that I deserved to be ignored and going through a planned pregnancy alone. I'm a person too Rudy, and you have hurt me beyond what I can take at this point. I don't deserve to be treated this way and ignored.
I am terrified! This isn't what I signed up for, it's not fair. It seems to me that your life is going on as if nothing has even happened...and my entire life is forever turned upside down. I'm not saying that you don't have shit you're dealing with too...I know you have bad things that you are dealing with too. But you don't seem to be worrying how to pay your rent, or where you'll work in 5 months, how to take care of a baby and still have an income, or whether or not you'll be doing all of this alone.
Why can't you talk to me? Tell me what you're thinking, tell me why you're upset. I know that you're upset because you heard me say to get out and not come back, and that I went to your mom. I know I hurt you, I will forever be sorry for it. Why does it upset you to the point that you can't even speak to me, even 6 weeks later?
I would like to think that at some point you did actually love me, maybe in some way you still might. I don't understand how you can hurt me this way. I'm having your baby, that at one point you wanted too. I'm not saying that we need to be together. I'm honestly not sure if that's something I can even do right now, it might be possible down the road a bit. I need some time to heal right now too. But either way we need to figure out what to do about Lucian. Please, talk to me at least about that. I deserve at least that much.
Taryn
I tracked Rudy down August 1st and gave him a box of this things. 7 weeks gone
I saw Rudy again August 10th with more of his things. 8 weeks gone
August 23, 2009 --- 9 weeks gone
hey I have some more of your papers, why don't you swing by and pick them up
August 29, 2009 --- 10 weeks gone
I saw your pics on facebook...i like your hair :-) But you look really sad, are you ok? I'm still here, as your friend. I care about you
September 1, 2009 --- From Rudy
What's the info for the flight
September 1, 2009 --- 11 weeks gone
If I remember correctly you just need to use this confirmation number (which is actually letters). If that doesn't work let me know and I'll look into it some more. let me know if you need to use more than your half. Hope you're going somewhere fun :-)
I still have you papers, and I found your spare earring...can I get those to you some how?
From Rudy
I'll come by today at 215 I just can't stay
While Rudy was here I asked him if he wanted to be involved in the baby. He said yes. I asked if we could sit down and talk about what that looks like. What does he want? Logistically, how do we make that happen? He said yes, but some other time. No time was set. He couldn't get out of here fast enough.
September 1, 2009
I got a job!!! Got the call right after you left! It's with Castle Academy, a private daycare in Castle Rock...they take infants :-)
Since you said that you aren't getting enough hours at work I wanted to offer this up...you can always come back. Even if you're not interested in having a relationship...but we could always get a 2 br place and just be roommates. Just an option, that's always available.
September 4, 2009 --- 11 weeks gone
hey I know it's awkward and hard to be around each other....but if you truly do want to be in Lucian's life, we're going to have to be able to be around each other. I figure that's easier to do now than once he's here.
Also if you want to be at his birth, which I would love for you to be there, we're going to have to be more comfortable around each other. That day is going to have enough stress and new, maybe awkward things of it's own. I will be in a very compromising and vulnerable position and I need to be comfortable with you.
So can we start spending some time together to get reacquainted? Maybe we could do something before the next Dr appt and you can come to that if you want to. I know the more time we spend together the less awkward things will get.
I work Monday - Thursday 8-6. I'm off every Friday and I'm off this coming Monday. I'm going to a wedding in Golden on Sunday, and I've got dinner with Maddie Bobo tonight. Other than that, I'm wide open :-)
We can do this. Just trust me, a little bit and I promise I won't let you down. :-)
Saw Rudy on September 5th. He said he would start responding to me so that I don't have to keep tracking him down to figure anything out. He also said that I need to figure out what I'm doing before we can figure out what we're going to do. I told him that I did know what I was doing. He said then do it. I said I am. He also agreed that if we are going to do this together that we should start to spend some time together and deal with our awkwardness now before Lucian gets here.
September 7, 2009 --- 12 weeks gone
Hey,
The other day you said that I need to figure out what I’m doing before we can figure out what we’re doing. I’m not totally sure what that was in reference to but I thought I would tell you my plans so that you’ll know that I have a plan and what I’m doing.
I’m staying in Colorado, no matter what. This is where I want to be. And while my parents are supportive of me financially, if I need help, emotionally it just costs me too much! We had a few falling outs and I just can’t deal with them being too involved even by phone…so I can’t imagine living with them. I’ll stay on someone’s couch before I’ll go back east.
I start my job at Castle Academy tomorrow. I really like their facility and feel ok about Lucian being there. It’s not my first choice of how things would go, but it’s a great option! I'd love for you to come see it and see what you think about Lucian being there. So I plan to take Lucian with me to work every day. I need to find out how much it will cost for him to go there and if C-cap is an option. If they don’t offer a discount, and don’t accept C-cap then I at least have a job until I can figure out what to do next. And start looking for another job. Breast feeding is important to me so I will pump when I can’t be with Lucian to feed him. I’m going to try to set up my schedule so that at least one time that he eats is when I’m on break.
I’m planning to go to those prenatal classes. And then have Lucian at the hospital naturally if at all possible. I plan for your mom to be there, and also Shawn. I’ll be home for at least 6 weeks and then go back to work at Castle Academy (if I can get the infant care stuff worked out with them).
I plan to stay in this apartment at least until the lease is up…and see what the next offer is. Eventually I will need a 2 br place so that Lucian can have his own room. But I think if I had to I could stay in a 1 br for another year.
Names…I’ve thought about a middle name for Lucian. Ryder. What do you think? I am planning to give him your last name, even though no one thinks I should. It’s important to me that he have your name, he’s your son.
With you, I plan to remain as open as I can. Be available to you when/if you want to be involved. I will never do anything to keep you from your son. Having said that, I also will not allow you to be in and out of his life. That’s just not fair to him. I don’t think that will be an issue anyways.
I know it must seem like at times I've been taken over by aliens, and in a way I kind of have been...well, one alien. :-) But at my core I'm still the same person that you decided to have a baby with, that at one time you loved enough to want to marry. I still don't play games, I am still very honest and open, I still love to laugh and be silly. I still love you and care very much for you.
And I'm willing to make myself vulnerable and tell you this because I know that youre still the same person at your core too. I know that you are honest and caring, passionate and strong. And I still know that you'll be the best father that Lucian could ever have. But I know that you're hurting, babydoll and that you don't trust me to not be taken over by aliens. I'm so unbelievably sorry for that, I am doing the very best that I can. I’ve never had to do anything as hard as this before…and I’ve dealt with some hard things in my life.
Anyhow, have I missed anything in regards to plans? If I have feel free to ask me what I’m planning to do…I think I’ve covered all of the bases though.
Let me know when you’re ready to talk; please try to make it soon.
Later that night...
I'm nervous about starting my job tomorrow...I could use some company tonight, if you're up for it. We don't have to 'talk'.
From Rudy
No
September 9, 2009 --- 12 weeks gone
my new job sucks ass!!! how are you? how are things at your job?
September 10, 2009 ---12 weeks gone
Not responding to me again? That's not encouraging.
You said that you know this is going to work...that we're going to be able to raise our baby together. I dont know that and I'm terrified. I don't know that youre going to be there, I don't know that you want to be there...you haven't shown a reason to believe any of that. I'm trying SO hard to be patient and to give you time...but I can't do this anymore. I've got nothing left to give. I have made plans that can be drastically changed based on what you are going to do.
I have been trying SO hard to hold on to all of the reasons that I love you...but you haven't given me any new reasons to love you in 3 months. Instead you've given me a lot of reasons not to love you. I hate you for putting me through this. I hate you for not being here for me, and for not even talking to me. I'm trying to hold on to the love, it gets harder everyday. Be careful that you don't take too long. That's not meant as a threat, I'm just letting you know where I am, even though you won't let me know where you are. I am only so strong, and I can only handle so much. Every day you wait is making the road we have to travel that much harder.
I don't think you know how hard this has been on me, you might not ever know.
I need you now. I need you to show me that you're going to be a part of this. It's time. We've only got 10 weeks and that's if I go full term. Tell me to just trust you, tell me to hold on a little longer. And I will. Tell me that you want nothing to do with me, tell me that you love me, that you don't know how to feel about me, that you're scared too, that you don't know how to trust me. Just tell me something! I can't hold out much longer...
September 16, 2009 ---13 weeks gone
Saw the dr today, everything is fine
I made all of the rest of the appts today:
Oct 9 2:45 PM
Oct 23 2:45 PM
Oct 30 2:30 PM Ultrasound
Nov 6 2:45 PM
Nov 13 2:45 PM
Nov 20 2:45 PM
PS
I think that Brett relayed a message to you about how I really need to hear from you by the end of the month and that we need to start making plans by then. Or I'll have to assume that youre not going to be a part of any of this and I'll have to make plans that don't involve you. Again, this is NOT what I want. I'm backed into a corner and I don't have a choice. I HAVE to start making plans. I feel like I've given you more than enough chance to show me that you want to be involved.
Well the same is true for the Dr appts. If I don't hear from you I'll have to assume that you don't want to know how they go anymore.
I hope you're right, that this is going to work, us raising a kid together. if not, I know i can raise him on my own. NOT what I want, but i can do it just fine if i have to.
talk to me
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