Ding! Round 2

Last night I really let Rudy have it. I think I've been patient and understanding, even kind and generous, through all of this. I've been an adult and tried very hard to put my hurt feelings aside to look at the bigger picture and to try and help him figure out his feelings.

Well no more! I'm done! Last night I took off the kid gloves I've been using with him. I swept up the egg shells I've been walking on and I told him exactly how I'm feeling. Here's what I said:

You said that you know this is going to work...that we're going to be able to raise our baby together. I don’t know that and I'm terrified. I don't know that you’re going to be there, I don't know that you want to be there...you haven't shown a reason to believe any of that. I'm trying SO hard to be patient and to give you time...but I can't do this anymore. I've got nothing left to give. I have made plans that can be drastically changed based on what you are going to do.

I have been trying SO hard to hold on to all of the reasons that I love you...but you haven't given me any new reasons to love you in 3 months. Instead you've given me a lot of reasons not to love you. I hate you for putting me through this. I hate you for not being here for me, and for not even talking to me. I'm trying to hold on to the love, it gets harder every day. Be careful that you don't take too long. That's not meant as a threat, I'm just letting you know where I am, even though you won't let me know where you are. I am only so strong, and I can only handle so much. Every day you wait is making the road we have to travel that much harder.

I don't think you know how hard this has been on me, you might not ever know.

I need you now. I need you to show me that you're going to be a part of this. It's time. We've only got 10 weeks and that's if I go full term. Tell me to just trust you, tell me to hold on a little longer. And I will. Tell me that you want nothing to do with me, tell me that you love me, that you don't know how to feel about me, that you're scared too, that you don't know how to trust me. Just tell me something! I can't hold out much longer...

I guess we'll see if he responds. Notice I say IF he responds not how he will respond.

Re-reading that with fresh eyes this morning, I don't think I was harsh enough. I wish I had told him that it's time to grow up. That it's time to man up, own his decisions and follow through with the outcomes! Tell him that he made grown up decisions and now he has to deal with the grown up consequences. Quit being such a child about all of this and DEAL.

Then this morning here's what my horoscope says:
Today is all about new beginnings. The journey you're currently on is going to be long, but it will also be pretty fun. Thank goodness your energy is high and you can withstand just about anything that comes your way. After all, you're going to need it.

 How fitting. I hope its right. I'm ready for a new beginning! Either way it goes, Rudy comes back and pulls a 180, or he doesn't come back at all; I'm just ready to move on.  To move forward, and to start healing.  This open wound is killing me. I've left it open long enough.

I suppose I just need to figure out what I'll do if he doesn't respond. Am I comfortable with him being at the birth when he hasn't spoken but a few words to me in over 5 months (by that time)? Do I want to fight him for full custody? Do I really have the heart to just cut him off completely?

I don't know.

Right now I just pray that these are questions I don't ever have to answer.