One Small Step

Yesterday I got an unsolicited email from Dave. I was floored! I read the email and he just needed some info. So I emailed the info back to him and reminded him that I had some papers of his and had also found his spare earring. I asked how I could get those things to him, fully expecting it would go unanswered like every other time I've tried to get his things to him. A few hours later I got a response! "I'll come by today at 215 I just can't stay". My heart started racing. He's coming by the apartment!? Really? Whoa! That's fantastic!

I had wanted him to come by because he hasn't seen everything settled in. You walk in the door and can feel this peace and settled feeling. His mom was here a few days before and when she walked in the door she exclaimed! "WOW! This is fantastic! I love it! This is exactly what you need. This is the kind of place you can feel excited about bringing your baby home!" I think him seeing this would change how he sees me. When we first split I was pitiful! And I'm sure he saw me that way. This needy pathetic person that just wanted him back. But now, I thought if he saw the apartment all together, my life all together, me doing fantastic without him, it would change his view of me as well. Make me more attractive and desirable, make him think I want to be a part of that too.

I also wanted him to see all of the baby things, to make things real for him too. I'm living with 2 bassinets, clothes, toys, bottles and everything else baby. Not to mention my huge belly and the thing moving around all the time in there! Baby is VERY real, to me!

So the time comes and there is a knock at the door. I open it. He is standing to the inside of the door leaning with one hand against the door frame. Blue shirt, blue hat on backwards, sunglasses. He comes in and says nothing. My mind goes blank and I can't remember where I put his stuff! I find it and give it to him. He sorts through it and says that he doesn't really need any of the papers but that he wants the earring. He gives me a hug. A real hug. It felt fantastic to be in his arms.

I tell him I know he has to go but I want to show him something real fast and move towards the bedroom to show him the baby stuff. He walks in and says "you have two". Meaning the bassinets.

I said "yeah, I actually wanted to know if you want this one." "Do you want to be involved in any of this" I motion towards my belly.

He says 'Yeah, uhh maybe I'm just not really sure what I'm doing right now. I don't know what's going on. ummm I don't really have a job right now, I'm only working 18 hours a week.'

I asked 'well do they have anything else for you?' He said no.

Then I asked him to look at one more thing and brought him into the bathroom closet to see all of the baby clothes. I asked "well, if you want to be involved in this, can we sit down and talk about what that looks like? What you want? Logistically what that means?"

He said "yeah uhh just not right now, some other time". He couldn't get out of the apartment fast enough. I could tell he was really uncomfortable and just didn't want to be here. I got 2 more hugs and as he walked out the door I asked if he wanted to be there for the birth. He stuttered again saying something along the lines of 'yeah, umm maybe, I'm not really sure yet, maybe'. And he was gone.

While is was only about 5 mins, if that, I think it was a good step and may have had a lot of impact. He saw all of the baby stuff which has to make the baby more real to him. He saw my huge belly (even though I look fantastic! haha) which also makes the baby more real. And most importantly we opened the door to a conversation about his involvement in the baby and being there for the birth. Overall I felt really good about how things went.

Right after he left, I got the phone call about getting a job! I sent him an email to let him know. There was no response. I don't think he could take anymore for the day! hahaha