Mean Kid with a Magnifying Glass

So I saw Rudy tonight. It was supposed to be coffee in the afternoon and turned in to coffee at 6:15 in the evening. I suppose it’s a small step because he sought out the meeting. But he made me wait all day to tell me when we would meet, and he couldn't even see me without his friends tagging along. It was kind of nice to have a buffer, but I also feel like it’s just prolonging the awkwardness.

So we meet at starbucks. Things were going pretty well, not too awkward. But Rudy was texting on his phone; his body language was saying that he's really not engaged in what's going on. But every now and then I saw him look at me. Really look at me. Our eyes connected a few times for a split second and I saw his walls and barriers and bullshit fall away. Then just as quickly they were back.

His friends were nice. The girl was really sweet; she told me I looked beautiful, filled me in when they were talking about something I didn’t know (people from their work or whatever) invited me to go with them to Target. We all talked and laughed, it was nice.

I shouldn’t have gone to Target. That’s when things started to get awkward. I asked Rudy if it was ok that I went, he said Yeah I guess. Then he just started disappearing or going with his guy friend away from us girls, at every chance he got. When he wondered off by himself, I went to find him to try and talk some. When I saw him, though, I could tell that he was just done with the whole thing for today. I should have just said goodbye and left. It’s so hard though, when I don’t know when/if I’ll see him again. I feel like I have to take advantage of every minute I can get. It’s an awful place to be.
So I asked him Are you done?
He said what do you mean?
You know what I mean, are you done?
Yeah I guess
I said cause you walked away and I thought that might mean you’re done?
Yeah I guess
I said no, not yeah I guess, yes or no are you done, I pressed it because yeah I guess leaves room for questions, like yeah I guess, just because I asked and he thinks that means I’m done, or yeah I guess but really its yes get the hell away from me, or yeah I guess, I could go more but we can be done
He got defensive and said I’ve already answered you twice I’m not doing it a third time.
I said softly don’t get that way, I thought the night was going pretty well, don’t be this way.
He said Yeah things went pretty well, I can’t deny that

We both just stood there...like there was more.  He didn't say goodbye or have a good night; just stood there.

I said well since you hate the middle name that I picked out, I suppose I should ask you what you think about circumcision.
what were you thinking?
I was planning to do it
yeah I think so too, wait you said do it right?
yeah do it. I’m sure there are more decisions to be made but I can’t think of any of them right now
He said good

I told him that a friend was going to be coming by Target and I was going to wait for her. I asked him if he wanted to say goodbye to his son. He reached out and lightly scratched my belly. I looked at him and felt my tears welling up…I didn’t want him to see me cry, so I turned and started to walk away. I looked back and asked if it would be ok for me to come find him before I left. There was loud music and TVs on, we were in the electronics. He said something but I couldn’t hear him so I started walking back. He said it would be fine for me to come find him.

I couldn’t walk away again. I just stood there looking at him, trying to put it all together. Trying to wrap my head around who this person was that looked something like the man I wanted to have a baby with. My mind raced with questions: how did we get here? How do we get back? What happened? What’s he afraid of? Why is he hiding behind all of these walls and defenses?

I ask him When are we going to talk about logistics?
I don’t know
Well something to think about: Do you do you want to spend some time at the apartment after Lucian’s born, to have time with him while I’m off work, in those first few weeks?
He was confused What do you mean? Like live there? That’s never going to happen.
No I mean like stay the night a while to be with your son. I’m just letting you know that’s an option.
Yeah, never going to happen.
Ok, good to know that I’ll be doing that by myself.
What do you mean? I said I wouldn’t stay the night...
Yeah well do you think he’s going to sleep through the night? So I’ll have to get up with him every time and go to work…I’ll be doing it myself.
He asked Are you going to take anytime off of work?
Yeah, 6 weeks, that’s all I can afford.

Another long silence...neither of us saying goodbye or ending the conversation.

I asked him Are you ever going to be able to talk to me? I mean really talk to me?
What do you mean?
I mean like from your heart, without all of these walls and barriers and really talk to me from your heart, open up
I don’t know

His friends came over and they were ready to leave. I was so upset that I didn’t want to see my friend anymore; I just wanted to be alone so I could cry. So we all walked out at the same time. He wouldn’t even really look at me. I told his friends it was nice to meet them and good night. I said nothing to Rudy. Walked to my car and just cried. That’s all I could do. I’m stuck some place between being incredibly frustrated and pissed off and unbelievably hurt.

Ugh! Why do I even care? He’s a child; a scared child that got stung by a red ant so he went and got his magnifying glass and is frying the ant in the sun. Only he doesn’t realize that the ant was just trying to protect itself. Stinging is it’s only defense. And while getting stung hurts, what he’s doing is far worse.