Why

I have been asked why I would post something like my post "The Lake House" So I gave that some thought. Why is it important to me that be out there? Other than being a horrible, traumatic event, what purpose does it serve to rehash it?

After careful consideration I came to a realization. Those events have shaped my life and my character, for good or bad, more than any others in my life. Every area of my life was affected, self confidence, sexual identity, how I saw my family, how I make decisions, views on sex and sexual pleasure, views on authority, my place in the world.

Because of the abuse and the events that followed I no longer trusted adults to have my best interest at heart. After that respect was not something that was just freely given to adults or any authority figure. Respect was, from then on, earned over time and solely because of one's actions, not because of a position that was held.

Because all of this happened I did as I pleased without regard to how it would affect my parents or anyone else for that matter. It is why felt like I could elope and get married at 18, why I am so stubborn, why I'm independent. And why I make most all of my life decisions on my own, the way that I want to.

Because of the abuse and how it was handled I got the message, at age 13, that I was the only one I could count on, and that I was the only one that was really going to put me first, above EVERYTHING else. And so I lived my life accordingly from then on.

That's not to say I was a kid living on the street having to fend for myself. But emotionally, mentally, from my point of view I was on my own.

Having said that, I don't think I did too badly! :-) Sure I made some fast decisions that didn't end up the way I thought they would. There was quite a bit of hurt involved in some of the outcomes. But I came through it an open and warm person who lives life taking chances knowing things might not turn out the way I planned; and being ok with that. I can take a hit and keep moving forward. And most importantly I don't feel like I've missed out on anything. I have no regrets. There is nothing I look back on and think, 'gee I wonder what would have happened if I'd just gone for it'. I went for it! What a challenging thing to do in life; especially after you’ve been hurt before! It's like the guys in the x-games. Those guys couldn't do all of those tricks without 'going for it'; being fully committed to each move, regardless of the outcome. And in perfecting their sport and striving to be the best, sometimes they get hurt. You bandage yourself up and try again. And I think that's a bold, fantastic way to live!